Would You Read This?
2
Alright, before I sit down and actually put pen to paper I want a little feedback.
Basically, my book is about a man named Tiro. Tiro was born during the time of the Black Death when witches were a concern among the people. The boy was seven pounds, red hair and blue eyes. For most of his life he lived life in the safety of his home, he watched from the windows as others outside died one by one. He was mostly quiet until his 12th birthday. On that day, his house burned to the ground after an argument between his mother and father.
Tiro's father hurried to the church for reasons unknown to anyone, and blamed the fire on his wife. He made the allegation that she was a witch. There was no trial before the church, only burning at the stake. They decided to burn Tiro and his mother. Arguing with those that objected that he was the offspring of a witch, therefore needed to die. It was on the 27th day of the 5th month that a young twelve year old boy watched his mother burn.
As they lit the tinder below the cross that Tiro was bound to, his eyes changed. He seemed to give up hope, as if he knew that it was his time to go. He didn't want to live anymore without his mother. It was at that second that he looked up and saw a small tear falling from his mother's bright blue eyes, staring right at him. Time stopped, and for a moment everything was right.
A tear of blood fell from Tiro's dull eyes as he began fade in and out of reality, slowly moving towards the light. It was dim, but he saw the shadow of a man casting down on him from the end of the tunnel. The man held out his hand and the tear of blood dropped onto a piece of paper, which abruptly vanished.
Tiro shut his eyes and took a deep breath, when they opened he was looking straight at his father. His dull blue eyes were now red and full of hatred. "Father." He said calmly, his voice engulfing the whole of the church, "You made a grave mistake. Now, you die."
Alright, I don't want to ruin the whole first chapter but that's the gist (un-edited might I add. I know I made a lot of grammatical errors and they will be fixed if I ever actually wright this). So, reading that. Would you read a whole book about this story? See where it goes in time, and what all of that meant?
Feedback is appreciated.
Basically, my book is about a man named Tiro. Tiro was born during the time of the Black Death when witches were a concern among the people. The boy was seven pounds, red hair and blue eyes. For most of his life he lived life in the safety of his home, he watched from the windows as others outside died one by one. He was mostly quiet until his 12th birthday. On that day, his house burned to the ground after an argument between his mother and father.
Tiro's father hurried to the church for reasons unknown to anyone, and blamed the fire on his wife. He made the allegation that she was a witch. There was no trial before the church, only burning at the stake. They decided to burn Tiro and his mother. Arguing with those that objected that he was the offspring of a witch, therefore needed to die. It was on the 27th day of the 5th month that a young twelve year old boy watched his mother burn.
As they lit the tinder below the cross that Tiro was bound to, his eyes changed. He seemed to give up hope, as if he knew that it was his time to go. He didn't want to live anymore without his mother. It was at that second that he looked up and saw a small tear falling from his mother's bright blue eyes, staring right at him. Time stopped, and for a moment everything was right.
A tear of blood fell from Tiro's dull eyes as he began fade in and out of reality, slowly moving towards the light. It was dim, but he saw the shadow of a man casting down on him from the end of the tunnel. The man held out his hand and the tear of blood dropped onto a piece of paper, which abruptly vanished.
Tiro shut his eyes and took a deep breath, when they opened he was looking straight at his father. His dull blue eyes were now red and full of hatred. "Father." He said calmly, his voice engulfing the whole of the church, "You made a grave mistake. Now, you die."
Alright, I don't want to ruin the whole first chapter but that's the gist (un-edited might I add. I know I made a lot of grammatical errors and they will be fixed if I ever actually wright this). So, reading that. Would you read a whole book about this story? See where it goes in time, and what all of that meant?
Feedback is appreciated.
0
It seems like a pretty decent start of a story it just feels a little rushed. I don't really get to feel whats behind the characters, or why the father would do these things. I guess a good word to describe it would be slightly dull but could be interesting with some more advice. Use some bigger words and metaphors to spice it up.
Edit: For instance i would be puzzled if you didn't put the first paragraph.
Edit: For instance i would be puzzled if you didn't put the first paragraph.
0
Could you make the setting that he actually escaped, and he's on the run? From his father, his village, hunters. He lives in the woods or something until he finds a strange man who turns out to be a witch. The strange man takes care of him, teaches him a bit of black magic and then tells him to journey west or something. *Cue meeting a cute girl*
0
Jericho Antares
FAKKU Writer
Since it seems he actually does have powers, this just echoes the whole Templar/Mage conflict of Dragon Age. He is persecuted for having possibly dangerous powers and actually uses the powers for killing.
The whole setup of his life is also questionable. Why would he stay inside his house, for instance? I'm assuming from the drunkard father element that he's not part of a landowning family, so in that era it pretty much means he's poor.
On a more or less unrelated note, the symbolism is completely useless and not worth putting in the synopsis.
All in all I wouldn't read since (setting aside) it is way too anime-esque for my tastes.
The whole setup of his life is also questionable. Why would he stay inside his house, for instance? I'm assuming from the drunkard father element that he's not part of a landowning family, so in that era it pretty much means he's poor.
On a more or less unrelated note, the symbolism is completely useless and not worth putting in the synopsis.
All in all I wouldn't read since (setting aside) it is way too anime-esque for my tastes.
0
Y'know I went to sleep after posting this and had a little doubt about what I would read. But this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe it's not the worst idea ever. Thanks guys.
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It's not a bad idea, but when you're writing it read it over and over to yourself to see if you think it flows right. If you have more of a doubt about it than you would think normal, try rewording it to make it feel right, or cut out/add in something else to see where it goes. When you feel good about how the sentence/paragraph/whatever reads, then you'll be doing just fine.
0
Other people have addressed this but yeah the story is too condensed. This feels more like a synopsis rather than a chapter. Try to draw it out. Pull the crowd in with suspense and it'll go somewhere. Unless this is in the middle of the chapter...then it's a little better but you should still be more descriptive.
0
storm102 wrote...
Other people have addressed this but yeah the story is too condensed. This feels more like a synopsis rather than a chapter. Try to draw it out. Pull the crowd in with suspense and it'll go somewhere. Unless this is in the middle of the chapter...then it's a little better but you should still be more descriptive.Er, I'm pretty sure it is a synopsis.