Yuri Stuff

EDIT: And more quality words than boring shtuff.

EDIT #TRYHARDfanfic: It's hard to make a cool description of a single action, don't ever spend so much words on one action. Seriously, don't or it'll make you look stupid.

I'll be blunt. I'm not into this kind of thing, but if you want feedback, let me know, and I'll do my best.

Ohaider. Give me your response

This first sentence confuses me. What does it mean for them to be aware within a room? Are you simply trying to establish that these characters are in this room?



This could use more description. Where are the monitors? What are they for? On the flip side, it doesn't seem as if they're too important (at least not right now). If that's the case, then you don't want to give too many details. It would be a waste to go in-depth on something that would never really serve a purpose.



What the hell is she talking about, and what does it have to do with anything? Is this an excerpt from a larger story you've written?



Again, what the hell is she talking about? I definitely get the feeling that there's some history between these two, but details are scarce. It's not too much of a problem if you're going to dive more into it later on or you already have in an earlier scene. But this scene just by itself is very confusing.



'Chanted' should be lowercase.



I'm not entirely sure what you mean here.



This description would be more powerful if you were to mention some aspect or aspects of her face that the narrator finds attractive rather than simply saying 'lovely masterpiece of her face.'



I'm not familiar with this phrase.

I get the feeling English isn't your primary language. Some of the sentences are missing certain words, and there are other grammatical issues as well that make this difficult to read to for me.



The trick is putting in just enough details and letting readers fill in the blanks. Not enough and readers will be confused. Too much, and it'll feel like you're trying to hold the reader's hand.

If you don't have a lot of experience writing fiction, I think you should focus less on trying to make your descriptions cool. Rather, you should simply try to make them serviceable.

Keep in mind that you can always go back and edit later. Try not to let yourself get caught up thinking about how to craft specific sentences on a first draft.

Reason and logic is ignored so that literature can be harvested instead of thoughts. It's an genre that has been in literature ever since the first language which I don't have a clue of, but Homer's Iliad which is about expression of actions and events than who what when where how and why.

But I bet your right about most things, I don't understand why english can't do fluid and lyrical writing. I've seen so much formality in english, so I then made an expressive passage. Try reading it expressively like old english or something. But old english had a lot of foreign influence so I guess that's wrong.

I disagree. Readers should be able to follow what's happening.



I'm not quite sure what you mean here.

Oh yes, I should put more effort on my next story then. This isn't a complete passage so it's expected that the reader has no context of the situation.