Bedtime Story

There once lived a young princess by the name of Schneewittchen, but she was an Anglophile and insisted on being called "Snow White" instead. Anyhow, she was born with naturally pale skin, which became unnaturally paler as she grew older due to her shut-in life style. It was rumored that she never saw the sun, and authored a number of popular doujinshi.

Mrs. Wittchen, the queen, had a magic mirror and liked to stand in front of it, asking it the same question every day: "Magic mirror, activate! What makes people salivate?" to which the mirror would always answer: "It's glands." This went on for a good number of years until one day the queen decided to switch it up a bit.

"Magic mirror, activate! Who's the gal guys want to date?"
"Some might say the queen's the milf, but Snow White is the popular sylph."

CLASSY, MIRROR.

The queen was a little confused by the terms she heard, but she understood what a Snow White was - that's her daughter! She was embarrassed by her not-knowing-words, so she sent for the huntsman to go ask Snow White what a milf was (figuring it was something the young otaku would know). The huntsman was like "sure," and then went into Snow's studio/room without knocking.

Snow was in the middle of drawing a super embarrassing picture and when she saw the huntsman, she screamed and screamed and jumped out the window with her canvas, running across the field and into the forest in tears. But the huntsman was a huntsman and knew how to hunt, and so was able to catch her before she got very far. As she hung suspended in his trap, he asked what he was sent to ask.

"Hey, your mom wants to know what a 'mylth' is."
"What? I don't know."
"Oh, okay."

So he released her and then went home. Snow White was bewildered and lay on the grass for a while before deciding to return to her room. BUT she had stayed too long, and within that time all the UV radiation from the sun baked poor Snow who was not at all prepared for it (being super pale and also never having been outdoors), and uh, it KILLED HER DEAD. She fell down and died. Thanks, sun.

And that's when six odd little characters happened upon her corpse and looked at it for a bit before turning to each other.
"Looks like it was a girl."
"Shame. Could have been quite the popular sylph."
"Do you suppose we could salvage it?"
"Possible. It would require a larger battery, but would likely be able to fill Sieben's role."
"Agreed. Let us begin."

The dwarfed figures then hauled her dead body to their shuttle and reconstructed her into an excavation cyborg to aid them in the extraction of heavy metals from the earth. Her right arm was outfitted with a thermal condenser drill for this purpose, and she was also given a self-destruct feature because everyone agreed that it would be "super cool. Yes."

After twelve days of intense labor, the operation was complete and they were ready to bring her online.
"Magic girl, activate!"
"She is not activating."
"Sieben, consult the Google Mirror for troubleshooting."
"We lost Sieben in the crash."
"🖕!"

With no clues on how to boot her up, the little people left Snow White bleaching in the sun. It was then that the Prince of Ping Pong came across her while riding his bike. "Oh wow, a dead girl! I am going to kiss it." And he pedaled over to her and did so.

The unwelcome act triggered Snow's emergency defense and she woke up, decimating the Prince's bike (and nearly the Prince himself). The dwarf-things came rushing out at the sound and surveyed the situation. "Jubilations, jubilations," they said to each other and to her. The Prince was less happy. "My chariot! My necrophiliac fantasies! I suppose I will have to start running now if I want to make it to the tournament and also not die," he said, and ran off to make it to his game just in time for the last 2 chapters of the Bremen Tournament arc.

Snow White thanked the robo-dwarfs for bringing her back to life and for the super cool laser and self-destruct bomb, but explained that she would not have time for mining because German Comiket was coming up and she didn't have time. The dwarfs were like "what's that" and long story short, they formed a doujin group called "the Seven Dwarfs" (even though she wasn't really a dwarf, but the others insisted). They made shoujo manga.

The End

Cinderella was rolling around in the fireplace like usual, with her stepsisters looking on. “Ellaaaa,” they said (for that was her name), “come out of the fireplace. This is why you can’t have nice things.” Cinderella stopped briefly and sat up to face them. “My stepsies, how many times must I tell you? I am to be addressed as THE DARK QUEEN CINDERELLA, MISTRESS OF ASH!” Her father, hearing the commotion, came down to investigate.

“Ella, what’s all th-”
“DARK QUEEN CINDERELLA, MISTRESS OF ASH!”
“ELLA. What is the meaning of this? Why are you in your rags again? We’re going to the prince’s ball tonight - wash up and get properly dressed!”
“I am properly dressed, father. Only these tattered wraps and the ashes of my dear mother are capable of sealing my-”
“YOUR MOTHER’S ASHES?!”

Long story short, the Dark Queen Cinderella was grounded and sent to her room without supper while the rest of the family went out that night for an episode of royal gallivanting. As she lay moping on her floor, her fairy godmother snuck in through the chimney and squatted next to the girl. “Heyyy, what’s the matter, Duck Queen Sanderella?” Cinderella explained her situation to the magic woman in a manner very favorably biased towards herself. “Well shucks,” said the godmom, “that blows balls. But you know what? I think I might have a spell for you!” And with that, she transformed Cinderella into a pile of ashes.

Apparently, the fairy godmother had been larping with her friends earlier that afternoon, and had swapped out the macro for Princess Spell with Fireball. WHOOPS. She still had other enchantments, though, so she cast another one to transform Cinderella into an infernal apparition - much to the girl's excitement. Cinderella thanked her accidental murderer and dove into the crust of the earth, because that’s a thing she could do now.

She then erupted from of the ground outside the palace where the ball was being held, and waltzed in on a path of molten glass. Everyone stopped dancing and looked at her and was like “Hey, is that a fire person?” and then she was like “IT IS!” and everybody screamed and ran while she had a great time. She kept this up until midnight, after which the enchantment wore off and she turned back into a pile of her own ashes. And her father, who had recognized his daughter, was like “No, Ella! Not you too!” because this was the same way he had lost her mother.

“Curse you! I swear, I shall have vengeance, fairy godmother Dracula!” and so the man left to avenge his daughter - Ella Belmont.




Epilogue: Cinderella’s enchantment is a recurring one, and she terrorizes a different ball every night until her father learns of this and seals her in an urn.