chuck norris jokes

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up. Chuck Norris throws down!

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Everything King Midas touches turns to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.