Long Term Damage
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I haven't made a topic in awhile due to some personal issues. Now I am ready work on my issues and well, anonymous advice has helped a lot in the past. Anyways, the last serious relationship I was in ended poorly. I am too sure how much I need to explain but in the end I made many mistakes. Some of which were.... scary. I surprised myself at what I was capable of. (For the record I didn't break any laws) At first I was so hurt and emotional that I didn't worry about getting into another relationship since I was planning on it any time soon. Then I got busy, then I figured I made this long why would I need someone now, etc. Now I finally feel ready to get out there again and try to open up. Unfortunately I am so worried about any damage I might have remaining that I don't know if I actually have damage of if I am just paranoid about having damage.
My current concerns are that I might end up caring for someone enough that I do something scary again. That I might hurt them. That I might be too closed off to ever get close enough. Lastly, I am scared that any future partner I have may eventually find out about what I did and that it would scary them too much. When I do open up I tend to over share (I value honesty to a fault) so the latter concern seems unavoidable.
In end I am looking for advice on how to manage dealing with these issues and mainly, how would you want a partner with this history to handle it?
My current concerns are that I might end up caring for someone enough that I do something scary again. That I might hurt them. That I might be too closed off to ever get close enough. Lastly, I am scared that any future partner I have may eventually find out about what I did and that it would scary them too much. When I do open up I tend to over share (I value honesty to a fault) so the latter concern seems unavoidable.
In end I am looking for advice on how to manage dealing with these issues and mainly, how would you want a partner with this history to handle it?
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For me, if my partner had a history they were ashamed of I would want them to share it with me at their own pace and only if we are serious about our relationship. It's no sense in rushing bad memories. Once my partner shares her past with me I would then comfort her. There is no purpose in beating up your partner over past mistakes. Just the fact that she is willing to share her past with me shows that she has courage and that she loves me enough to trust me with her bad past. I would take that into consideration and still love her regardless of her past. What happens in the present matters. She could've killed before, she could've cheated on her ex before, the list goes on. What holds the relationship together is our love and trust in each other. If I can't trust her because of something that happened years ago then maybe we shouldn't be together.
You plan on dating again. If you share this with your lover then make sure that it's one that you can trust. If they end up leaving you then you and that person wasn't meant to be. It's someone out there for you.
You plan on dating again. If you share this with your lover then make sure that it's one that you can trust. If they end up leaving you then you and that person wasn't meant to be. It's someone out there for you.
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Misaki_Chi
Fakku Nurse
You don't have to go into it, but I'm concerned as to what the "damage" was. You say you didn't break any laws, but that it was traumatizing enough to be something that both you and your partner were hurt. I also ask why because this will make the advice difficult to give so I'll just give a couple of suggestions.
If the problem was truly damaging such as abuse of any kind I would suggest going to counseling in the future. This can be any form of abuse ranging from physical to emotional to verbal. You don't have to go with your former partner, but for any future relationships it is probably the best to seek someone professional to talk to regardless if you were the victim or the abuser. Basically with whatever partner you are dating if you are falling into the same cycle you have experienced previously, the best way to get out of it is to make the commitment to working on being a better person and talking with your partner about this. Communication and help are the two best things for this situation. If you are an abusive partner in any way I would work on yourself first before you jump into any relationship; you are not unworthy of love but you need to appreciate yourself to appreciate your partner (no person deserves to be hurt by the person they love).
If the problem was more of a personal matter for yourself or for you partner that strained your relationship then this isn't as big of an issue as the first one. It's not to say that this makes the issue any less severe, but in this case the damage isn't a chronic issue, rather a situational issue that can be fixed easier. With this sort of thing realize that things happen in life that will test your relationships. I know for myself that I've had some low points in life where I wouldn't win the best girlfriend of the year award. Everyone has those days and you can hurt your partner as a result. The ones that stay through it all are the special ones that worth working with.
The biggest thing you can do with this type of issue is to be open with your partner and talk with them about the things you are feeling/dealing with. Communication is key to a strong relationship, if you can't talk with the person you love then things won't work out. If your partner is the one who cannot communicate then look at it as, I'm doing my best and if they can't do the same I can't either. No matter what it is you are feeling you need to be open to hurt. You may be hurt by what you feel or your partner may hurt you, but you have to try to make things work. You also learn from trial and error who it is you can trust and who you can't or you grow thicker skin as a result.
The last thing I can think as "damaging" is if you or your partner were unfaithful in any way to one another. If this was an issue then you need to think to yourself why was it that this happened? Usually when a person seeks the comfort of another it is because they are not happy with what they have or they are afraid. There are also those who just give into temptation to easily or see sex with another as a "thing" and nothing more. All you can do is learn from such an experience and see what is it you really want in another person in the future. Don't blame yourself or the other person, just realize that this happened and you'll do better with someone else.
Summary: I think the biggest thing you can do for yourself since you seem so upset and tormented over whatever happened in your past is to do two things. First is to accept that whatever happened has happened. However hard the issue was, you can't dwell on it or you'll never be able to make your future relationships work. You don't have to resolve this issue by yourself or be fully well before a new relationship since a new partner could help you with that process. You just have to be willing to work on your issues. If the issue is too much for you or others to handle go seek the right counseling. Sometimes we need a little help from those that are able to do it.
If the problem was truly damaging such as abuse of any kind I would suggest going to counseling in the future. This can be any form of abuse ranging from physical to emotional to verbal. You don't have to go with your former partner, but for any future relationships it is probably the best to seek someone professional to talk to regardless if you were the victim or the abuser. Basically with whatever partner you are dating if you are falling into the same cycle you have experienced previously, the best way to get out of it is to make the commitment to working on being a better person and talking with your partner about this. Communication and help are the two best things for this situation. If you are an abusive partner in any way I would work on yourself first before you jump into any relationship; you are not unworthy of love but you need to appreciate yourself to appreciate your partner (no person deserves to be hurt by the person they love).
If the problem was more of a personal matter for yourself or for you partner that strained your relationship then this isn't as big of an issue as the first one. It's not to say that this makes the issue any less severe, but in this case the damage isn't a chronic issue, rather a situational issue that can be fixed easier. With this sort of thing realize that things happen in life that will test your relationships. I know for myself that I've had some low points in life where I wouldn't win the best girlfriend of the year award. Everyone has those days and you can hurt your partner as a result. The ones that stay through it all are the special ones that worth working with.
The biggest thing you can do with this type of issue is to be open with your partner and talk with them about the things you are feeling/dealing with. Communication is key to a strong relationship, if you can't talk with the person you love then things won't work out. If your partner is the one who cannot communicate then look at it as, I'm doing my best and if they can't do the same I can't either. No matter what it is you are feeling you need to be open to hurt. You may be hurt by what you feel or your partner may hurt you, but you have to try to make things work. You also learn from trial and error who it is you can trust and who you can't or you grow thicker skin as a result.
The last thing I can think as "damaging" is if you or your partner were unfaithful in any way to one another. If this was an issue then you need to think to yourself why was it that this happened? Usually when a person seeks the comfort of another it is because they are not happy with what they have or they are afraid. There are also those who just give into temptation to easily or see sex with another as a "thing" and nothing more. All you can do is learn from such an experience and see what is it you really want in another person in the future. Don't blame yourself or the other person, just realize that this happened and you'll do better with someone else.
Summary: I think the biggest thing you can do for yourself since you seem so upset and tormented over whatever happened in your past is to do two things. First is to accept that whatever happened has happened. However hard the issue was, you can't dwell on it or you'll never be able to make your future relationships work. You don't have to resolve this issue by yourself or be fully well before a new relationship since a new partner could help you with that process. You just have to be willing to work on your issues. If the issue is too much for you or others to handle go seek the right counseling. Sometimes we need a little help from those that are able to do it.
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For starters, I think you need to look for a psychologist (woman is recommended but a guy is fine) and open up telling them about your past. There are times when dealing with this alone or sharing it with another carelessly will only produce bad results. A psychologist will help you confront your past and close the chapter without any medication. It worked for me and my case was making me a time bomb.
Once you are in this process(or you completed it), you can look for a partner and share your past with that person when the time is right for both of you to get closer to one another. You left your past behind but you are not hiding it, you changed for the better and you are going to prove it. Your partner will notice that.
Once you are in this process(or you completed it), you can look for a partner and share your past with that person when the time is right for both of you to get closer to one another. You left your past behind but you are not hiding it, you changed for the better and you are going to prove it. Your partner will notice that.
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Servexia
Otaku
the_bloodwalker wrote...
For starters, I think you need to look for a psychologist (woman is recommended but a guy is fine) and open up telling them about your past. There are times when dealing with this alone or sharing it with another carelessly will only produce bad results. A psychologist will help you confront your past and close the chapter without any medication. It worked for me and my case was making me a time bomb.Once you are in this process(or you completed it), you can look for a partner and share your past with that person when the time is right for both of you to get closer to one another. You left your past behind but you are not hiding it, you changed for the better and you are going to prove it. Your partner will notice that.
Sounds like good advice (though I would suggest that male or female only matters if you will open up and be more honest with one or the other)...
You can learning coping techniques, insights into common issues that arise for most people, and you can potentially avoid something again before it happens or recognize another issue that may have help cause that response, that can be "treated" outside of a relationship.
We all have issues - the focus should be moving on, being a better person in the future, and learning from/avoiding making any previous mistakes again. You can do it, but it's never unreasonable to get some professional "help". =)