What would you make of this?
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Just your average lurker stepping out of the dark and looking for some inputs and opinions. I've been reading topics here for a while and liked the replies, so I'm gonna give it a go. Even if I get mostly "tl;dr's" and no responses, it feels good to just vent, y'know?
So I've known this girl for a good 6 years and we've been through a lot. We met because our significant others at the time were best friends. Eventually, both of the relationships ended and the two of us became very close friends. I started to develop feelings for her but kept them hidden for a good year, in fear of rejection. When she started dating someone else, I finally told her how I felt, thinking it's better that she knows than not knowing at all. Their relationship doesn't last long and we continue being very close friends. I confront her again a little more than another year later, stating that I still had very strong feelings for her and that I wanted an answer. Sadly, she told me that she just saw me as a friend and would wish to keep it that way. Wanting to respect her, I give up this more than three-year-crush so we could stay friends, since I still wanted to have her as a friend. I eventually lose interest and hope in anything more between us than friendship.
Now fast forward to about two months ago, where this girl I know confesses to me. Wanting to give this a chance and just move on from the past, we start a relationship. When my friend finds out, she seemed standoffish and somewhat surprised. Eventually we talk less and less, eventually stopping altogether, despite my attempts to salvage the friendship. It's been about a month now since we've last spoken.
So, what would you make of this? The most obvious answer would probably be jealousy, but maybe there's some underlying thing I'm not seeing.
So I've known this girl for a good 6 years and we've been through a lot. We met because our significant others at the time were best friends. Eventually, both of the relationships ended and the two of us became very close friends. I started to develop feelings for her but kept them hidden for a good year, in fear of rejection. When she started dating someone else, I finally told her how I felt, thinking it's better that she knows than not knowing at all. Their relationship doesn't last long and we continue being very close friends. I confront her again a little more than another year later, stating that I still had very strong feelings for her and that I wanted an answer. Sadly, she told me that she just saw me as a friend and would wish to keep it that way. Wanting to respect her, I give up this more than three-year-crush so we could stay friends, since I still wanted to have her as a friend. I eventually lose interest and hope in anything more between us than friendship.
Now fast forward to about two months ago, where this girl I know confesses to me. Wanting to give this a chance and just move on from the past, we start a relationship. When my friend finds out, she seemed standoffish and somewhat surprised. Eventually we talk less and less, eventually stopping altogether, despite my attempts to salvage the friendship. It's been about a month now since we've last spoken.
So, what would you make of this? The most obvious answer would probably be jealousy, but maybe there's some underlying thing I'm not seeing.
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hmm... i suppose it would be jealousy. that's pretty much all i can think of, if a girl gets peeved at you for going out with another girl. :3 you are in a tight situation my friend, i hope your hot water cools down soon ^_^ but i do think you are right. there's probably something deeper than jealousy that you don't realize yet ;D
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She may be feeling that your interest in her was weak due to the new relationship with a girl you don't know as well, or her issues may be with your new partner, and not yourself.
You need to decide what is more important: your friendship with the longtime friend, or the new relationship. It seems that you can't have both.
You need to decide what is more important: your friendship with the longtime friend, or the new relationship. It seems that you can't have both.
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I hate too berate you for waiting a whole year to tell that girl you liked her (of course she was going to see you just as a friend by then!), especially since you did the right thing by moving on.
I think you need to ask her to hangout, maybe take her someplace. It may seem like a date at first, but during your outting let her know what you think and how you have moved on. Whatever your feelings are, now is the time to be straight. Since you moved on with someone else, it doesn't matter if you speak openly about how you like/liked her. It isn't a taboo thing anymore, so let her know that you notice she is acting different and reassure her you want to be friends.
She might just not like the specific girl you are with right now too, so reach out and figure it out.
I think you need to ask her to hangout, maybe take her someplace. It may seem like a date at first, but during your outting let her know what you think and how you have moved on. Whatever your feelings are, now is the time to be straight. Since you moved on with someone else, it doesn't matter if you speak openly about how you like/liked her. It isn't a taboo thing anymore, so let her know that you notice she is acting different and reassure her you want to be friends.
She might just not like the specific girl you are with right now too, so reach out and figure it out.
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jmason
Curious and Wondering
IMO, I think she's somewhat uncomfortable being with you now. When she saw you with another woman, and it obviously is an attempt on your part to move on and go on another road, her feeling may be one of these things:
1. She feels she's a hindrance to you with regards to your current relationship moving on and the less you see of her, the more better you can progress your relationship with your now-current girl. Basically, she doesn't want you to have anymore lingering love-related attachments to her while you are with another woman, and she wants you to succeed and move on.
2. Fleeting moments of jealousy. It's a possibility she also some feelings to you but she kept it hidden (some people fear that love relationships can destroy friendships) to keep you as a friend. Then she saw you with another girl, she felt a pang of resentment and jealousy.
Just like neko-chan says, reach out and figure it out, that's the best way to try and repair a friendship. This is a suggestion, but I think this could work: write her a handwritten letter that sincerely and basically says you want to remain friends with her and assure her you are still her friend, and ask her if you and her can go out and have a talk about it. Be straightforward and avoid poetical flourishes. Then mail it. It might take a long time, but she could reply to it.
1. She feels she's a hindrance to you with regards to your current relationship moving on and the less you see of her, the more better you can progress your relationship with your now-current girl. Basically, she doesn't want you to have anymore lingering love-related attachments to her while you are with another woman, and she wants you to succeed and move on.
2. Fleeting moments of jealousy. It's a possibility she also some feelings to you but she kept it hidden (some people fear that love relationships can destroy friendships) to keep you as a friend. Then she saw you with another girl, she felt a pang of resentment and jealousy.
Just like neko-chan says, reach out and figure it out, that's the best way to try and repair a friendship. This is a suggestion, but I think this could work: write her a handwritten letter that sincerely and basically says you want to remain friends with her and assure her you are still her friend, and ask her if you and her can go out and have a talk about it. Be straightforward and avoid poetical flourishes. Then mail it. It might take a long time, but she could reply to it.
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I've had the same thing happen to me before. I had feelings for a very close lady friend of mine, eventually confessed to her and got rejected. Good while after I found someone else and she got pissed because I started dating someone else.
But in the end she got over the fact that I had given up my feelings for her, from that point on things started going for the better again.
Just tell her that you like her, as a friend, and that you needed to move on. Things normally should work out eventually.
But in the end she got over the fact that I had given up my feelings for her, from that point on things started going for the better again.
Just tell her that you like her, as a friend, and that you needed to move on. Things normally should work out eventually.
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Jealousy is the hopeful answer, but probably not the correct one. Women have pride, too, a fact which a lot of guys tend to find surprising. Suddenly losing the sole devotion of a guy who confessed to her when he tries going out with another girl can be an unwelcome blow to said pride. It's also probably a shock that you're suddenly with someone else after all this time. I'm assuming the three years you were crushing on this girl were a dry spell for you dating wise? Sounds like your friend doesn't deal too well with change... at least not where her solid rock guy friend is concerned.
Whatever she's feeling, it isn't good that you're losing such a long lasting, close friendship just because you're dating someone. Nor is it good that a potential romantic relationship be lost due to a limited friendship. The bottom line is you have to have a serious discussion with your old friend. I don't know what your "attempts to salvage the friendship" entailed, but it obviously wasn't enough. Ask her what's up and keep the discussion ABOUT HER. Don't even mention your new girlfriend unless she brings it up. This conversation should be about you and your friend and why, all of a sudden, she seems to indicate that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. Get to the bottom of things, one way or another. Until you know the truth of things you won't be able to deal with the problem properly.
I'm sorry to hear that this situation is happening. It's not a cool way for things to pan out. No matter how it ends up I hope your situation turns out to be a happy one. Good luck to you.
Whatever she's feeling, it isn't good that you're losing such a long lasting, close friendship just because you're dating someone. Nor is it good that a potential romantic relationship be lost due to a limited friendship. The bottom line is you have to have a serious discussion with your old friend. I don't know what your "attempts to salvage the friendship" entailed, but it obviously wasn't enough. Ask her what's up and keep the discussion ABOUT HER. Don't even mention your new girlfriend unless she brings it up. This conversation should be about you and your friend and why, all of a sudden, she seems to indicate that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. Get to the bottom of things, one way or another. Until you know the truth of things you won't be able to deal with the problem properly.
I'm sorry to hear that this situation is happening. It's not a cool way for things to pan out. No matter how it ends up I hope your situation turns out to be a happy one. Good luck to you.
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Kuri
Lover of Dark and Tan
Well I too think it is jealousy,but then again theres always more to it. Well my theory is that when she told you that you and her should be friends,I think she wasn't ready. You known her for a good 6 years right? So she must have needed time first to think this though, cause your her best friend right? But when you started a relationship with someone else she had this feeling that she lost you which would describe that feeling of jealousy. So as a good friend she would want you to spend time with your new relationship and try not to get in the way. Meaning your friend would avoid talking to you, thinking that you would have more time to talk to her and do whatever couples do. Which would describe you and her not talking anymore. But I think your friend still has feelings for you its just that she can't tell them to you.
Well that what think is going on. I hope this helps you daydream-san. I really do.
Well that what think is going on. I hope this helps you daydream-san. I really do.
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Don't forget that all this time you were fawning over her, so now that her source of admiration is gone of course she is going to be a little peeved. Heck, she probably is more confused then anything else. She might be wondering herself why she is mad that you are with someone, and trying to sort out her own feelings. I agree with Neko-chan, now that you have moved on it is best just to be completely honest with her.
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Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the input because I really don't want to lose my friend, yet I also don't want to let a chance for a great relationship either.
I guess I knew confrontation was the answer, but I feel better knowing that more people thought so as well.
I guess I knew confrontation was the answer, but I feel better knowing that more people thought so as well.
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Just be sure to confront her gently. Don't be all aggressive and put her on the defensive. That'll just ruin it. Put on the cool, "what's going on?", genuinely confused front. If you're overly confrontational she'll just push you away more. You've been open since the beginning, so the idea is to coax answers and equal honesty out of her, not put her in a position where she feels MORE uncomfortable.
Tread carefully, friend. This is a thorny path. Again, good luck to you.
Tread carefully, friend. This is a thorny path. Again, good luck to you.
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I don't know what the posts above me have said, so this might be a repeat. Other than jealousy, it could be possible she is trying to be respectful to you. Since you are close friends with her, she may think that she may cause some interference between you and the other girl. She may believe that distancing herself from you may give you room to develop a relationship with the other girl. I've also known most girls to be stubborn, so that's the reason she seems to reject any explanation to your situation.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
neko-chan wrote...
Option B: Woo her with your manly charm, then have an epic threesome.This, because two-timing usually feels great, lol.
