Do men want a serious relationship w/ another secret women.

I've also only had one relationship that I would count. I've had a lot of almost, partial, and questionable relationships, but only the one real relationship, and she was before and continues to be one of my best friends. Which makes me a bit of a hypocrite, because I almost always advise against that. But it's just what happened. And probably the only reason that relationship worked out for any period of time. I have the emotional range of a toaster and don't relate to people at all. This can cause some problems in relationships. But it isn't what ended my relationship with her, because she somehow worked with me. What most likely ended that relationship is the fact that I actually care about her at all. I tried to modify myself because I felt like if I didn't I would be treating her poorly, and you can't really do that. Trying to act how I thought a boyfriend should act was just completely unnatural and made a giant mess of things.
So that was that. I think another thing is that I have no idea how to process and reconcile most emotions, so I thought the feeling of caring about her and also wanting to fuck her meant I was in love with her.
I'm pretty sure that line of thought is flawed, though.
Because I still both care about her and want to fuck her, but do not feel that persistent 'painful' feeling I used to, which I now associate with 'love'.
Although, on a related note, I feel a much greater desire to have sex with her than I do for any other person. And while she is a very attractive girl (or at least I think so; way too good-looking for me), she isn't the most attractive girl ever.
This is both odd and annoying to me. It's very distracting that I tend to think about her during sex with other women.

So... I think my relationship experience is fucked, basically.
But I still don't think I'm likely to cheat.

indeed, very well said. +rep for you Mr. StaticChange.

now for my 2 bits. as i agree completely with the last few things said, id like to go into why one might cheat. to start i have a personal example. i dont see it as actual cheating but i believe it to be noteworthy none the less. in my current relationship me and my girlfriend are still rather platonic, we do some things but not much and not sex. not yet anyway. im also rather inexperiencedand as such i am actualy considering attempting the one night stand for a few reasons. satisfying myself as it would make it a little easier to fight impulse and not presure my current girlfriend. to get more experience so i may be better able to satisfy my current girlfriend. the line i draw here though is that once we do have sex (me and my GF) these considerations will stop completely. as oth those reasons go moot. id be more satisfied than i ever could be with someone else and id be gaining that very aformentioned experience. so less as a moral stand i just wouldnt have reason to, that and i wouldnt want to hurt her by cheating. what i mentioned above i dont consider cheating as i wouldnt be going elswhere for what is already given. i dont think i experssed that last scentance well but i hope the point is made.

i think though one reason someone else may want to sleep around is the difference in feel. with your GF/BF isnt it more about making them feel good? with someone else you can take what you want and be selfish. another possable reason is that that may be what he or she is into and for whatever reason cant do so with the consent of there partner. other than that though all i can think of is that the relationship is failing.

Thanks for the rep.

I think perhaps you are too hard on yourself. Finding a one night stand to give yourself more experience before your first time with your GF may seem like a good solution, but I think your GF is much more likely to be disappointed about you sleeping with someone else versus you being lousy your first time. I know if the roles were reversed, I would much rather she just told me she was nervous about it. Except in maybe a few very rare cases, if I ever discovered that my significant other was cheating on me the relationship would be instantly over (especially a relationship like yours, which seems to be rather young in the making).

On the topic of not pressuring her, I don't have a good solution to your dilema. I have never felt like I *needed* sex, but I know everyone is different. In anycase, if it really is a problem for you, talking to her about it is still a better solution than cheating. Of course in my opinion the *best* solution is to neither talk to her about it or cheat - just do your best to mannage. Talking to her about it would be alright, but as you have correctly guessed it would probably put alot of (unfair) pressure on her.

I should also point out that while you may not consider it cheating, she probably does. To me, infidelity is about a violation of trust, not about getting something you already have. Just because sex isn't currently part of your relationship doesn't mean that sex with someone else wouldn't still violate whatever trust you have with your GF. I think perhaps if you are in doubt, ask yourself if it is something you would be willing to freely tell her about. If the answer is no, or if you think she would react badly if you did, then you shouldn't do it.

On your last point, you could be right. Although I have always found that making her feel good was more important to me than getting off myself. I would agree that sex with people you don't necessarly like or care about is probably more selfish, but the need to make them feel good is still there - it just has different motivation.

I was joking when I said I was morally against it, but I suppose it was the kind of joke only I would laugh at (as the person who told it). There's a huge explanation here, but I'll give you the tip of the iceberg: I don't believe in morals, and I'm an immoral person according to just about every set of morals that exists out there. For example, I wouldn't mind messing around with a girl who already had a boyfriend. I'm not getting hurt in that situation, as long as it's unlikely that people will find out about it, and I'd only be concerned about people finding out because the boyfriend might try to kick my ass and her friends might try to bitch me out about it. Now, I wouldn't seduce the girl, but I wouldn't turn her down, after making sure that she really wanted to fool around with me.

God, what a big tip that was. :lol:



According to Aristotle (rather, according to Aristotle, according to a philosophy professor), to keep from behaving inappropriately in a situation, you must be ready for that situation, and you get ready by thinking about that situation beforehand. So, if a man finds his wife in bed with another man, he may want to kill the other man, but that would be bad (illegal, morally wrong, whichever), so the man must condition himself so that he won't commit murder while angry. The man may tell himself, "If I ever catch my wife in bed with another man, it'll be okay. We'll divorce, she won't get any of my money, and I'll be able to move on" or "Murder is never the solution, and I must never commit murder" or even "I don't have to kill him then. I can hire a hitman to do it afterwards, so I won't immediately go to jail." Well, Aristotle's point is that you must have control over your emotions, but I'm not that optimistic.

So, I ponder all sorts of situations, and how I should act in those situations. Once I figure out the best way to act, that best fits me, I try to ingrain it in my head, so I'll act that way if that situation should arise. For instance, if I was in a good relationship, and a hot girl wanted to fuck me, I'd get away, call my girlfriend, or look at a picture of my girlfriend, and probably jerk off to release tension. I'd also never allow myself to get drunk in situations where that girl might be around. But that's only if there is only a physical attraction to the girl. If I want to sleep with the girl for any reason beyond the physical, then I would consider my relationship fractured and probably break up with the girl. My conscience tends to be pretty strong, and if my conscience gave me the go ahead and didn't make me feel like shit for wanting to cheat, I probably want the relationship to end.

But that is just theoretical. No one really knows what they'll do in a situation until they're in it.

Also, if anyone's wondering why I would want to not cheat if I don't believe in morals, it's because a good relationship is more pleasurable than one hot night of sex, and that one night of sex would ruin the good relationship. It's about picking the choice that would give you the most pleasure. I understand that is morality in a way, but that's semantics. Most people wouldn't consider it morality, but more of a lack of morality.

hmm...i'm the type who'd rather breaking up than to stay in a boring relationship, so, no possibility of me cheating in this case.

but if i'm satisfied with my girl, i see no reason to cheat on her, but of course, i'll need some other source of excitement every now and then, since i'm quite a random guy. so, still almost no possibility of me cheating.

yeah, those who cheats on a nice and cute girl is really an idiot.

but i'm more scared to yandere....being too loyal is bad too.

Men are known to be quite posessive of everything and want things they don't own and the lure of women never go away even if you're married. The men are also more sexually driven too and want another woman to satify his needs. By no means am I justifying nor am I saying this is the correct thing to do. In fact I oppose the idea of men cheating on another woman. (or vice versa) But there are those out there who give into their urges...

Well, personally I don't think poligamy is bad. What I consider really bad is doing it secretly, or cheating. So I voted No.
In my opinion people can have more than one serious relationship at the same time, and if there is consent I can't see anything bad. I'm speaking about men and woman alike.

I don't have any experience of the kind, so you might ignore this post.

Incoming massive wall of text…

You define yourself as very self centered, which if nothing else is at least very honest. It is interesting though, because I would describe myself as extremely selfish as well - at least in the technical meaning of the word. I believe that everyone is motivated first and foremost for themselves, so to me being selfless and generous isn't really possible.

Morals as well are defined by selfish needs - but as opposed to just one individual’s needs, they are defined by the needs of all of society. Things tend to be viewed as morally wrong when they cause harm to other people, and tend to be morally right as they maintain a general sense of happiness in society. Morals and laws don't always line up either, but if government has done a good job they should be close.

Of couse, not everyone has the same set of morals. A particular individual gets his or her set of morals from the more general set held by society, which comes from the individuals in society in the first place. The morals that you hold are colored by all the morals of all the people you have ever met or heard of.

But the big question then is, if morals are primely selfish in the first place, how do they work for me? The best way to answer this question is to take a look at a little bit of the philosophy that went into the creation of our government (if you are American). Thomas Hobbes believed that government comes from the people, and that while humans were ultimately selfish, people cede their rights to the government out of a desire for protection from other people - because people like to feel secure, and they like for their lot in life to be insured so to speak.

As it turns out, laws are essentially the physical representation of morals. Sometimes they are corrupted by the politicians that make them, but the two are very close on an abstract level. Morals serve a selfish need to protect people from the selfishness of others, much like government. Note that this may sound strange to you, because most people view self preservation to be in line with their morals, but they also tend to see anything that can be called selfish as wrong. But when you think more closely about it, self preservation being both moral and selfish is an excellent example of how morals are selfish. People cede rights to their government for protection, but if they ever have to cede the right of self preservation, there is no longer any protection. Self preservation is one of the few rights that by necessity must be part of everyone’s moral and social structure.

It is a little ironic though, because I said earlier that fear is no basis for morals - which isn't exactly true. On their most primal level, both government and morals are driven by fear. But today? Morals and government have evolved so much from their conception that while morals may have originated with fear, I think they are something more altogether now.

I have found that my morals personally tend to originate from a desire to build respect and trust with others. The term one good deed deserves another comes to mind. While I don't truly think only in terms of how being nice to someone can serve my own interests later, I understand that at a fundamental level that is where I derive my sense of right and wrong. The difference is that unlike people however many millions of years ago, my wellbeing is rarely in danger (due entirely to our social system and morals themselves), so it gives people the time to consider and develop other *selfish* desires besides mere survival - such as becoming a powerful social figure or what have you. The bottom line is that within society, people must appeal to other people’s selfish needs to satisfy their own. So in a way, breaking your moral code can be bad for your own (selfish) interests - even if you broke your moral code to satisfy a selfish desire (which brings us back to cheating :) ).

It's obviously not a serious relationship if I want another woman on the side. I've seen friends of mine who cheated on every girlfriend they had, but once they found a serious girlfriend they stopped all the bullshit.

If the guy is looking for someone else, he's just not satisfied or something's up with the relationship.

Any man content with his partner and in love that goes looking for a concubine cna taste the end of a 12-gauge. Assholes like that arent neccessary on this earth. Nor are cun*s

Well they wouldn't be in love with that woman if they went looking for someone else, you wouldn't want to risk hurting the person you loved.

To be perfectly honest it depends on the circumstance and in all likelihood I would break up with girl A, before having sex with girl B. However the whole theme of this topic seems a bit off to me; it wouldn't really matter how much sex I was having with girl A if I really cared about her. The way the question is phrased makes it seem like every guy will like a girl more based on the amount of sex he gets from her.

I don't know what it's like for the rest of you, but I would never tolerate sex being used as a bargaining chip, nor would I do it if I thought that my girlfriend was only offering herself in order to satiate me. I always want the girl to enjoy it more than I do, it's better in the long run and satisfies my ego quite nicely.

yeah, you are correct. this most likely wont ever go past thought. i also agree on your concept of infidelity, it is more the breach of trust that causes all the issues to arise. as for any *need* for sex its more a strong instinctive urge. i just wanted to maybe supress it a little.

i brought it up though as i thought it relevant to the topic, perhaps enlightening. just another viewpoint you perhaps never thought about.

the very idea of trying to manage 2 woman scares me. that is y answer.if i was in a stable rlationship with a parter who let me have my room SHIT that would be the best whats the point in cheating? it would only have me lose both women and i would lose that extra litte get around without eyes over the shoulder. so no however this is not all guys a lot will run off and find another girl to have as like a fall back girl in case the relationship doesnt work out.idiots

i dont like the double agent thing when it comes to relationships.

i prefer to have just one girl i can stick to. plus i have too much compassion and too much of a sense of loyalty to say "i love you and want to be with you" to one girl, and then "i want to love you real good" to another.

basically i prefer to have one and one girl only.

no, but i d want a fling with a secret woman...actually, make that several women.
but then again, i m not one for serious relationships to begin with, since the longest i ever lasted with one was 3 months or something...

Wow, I missed one interesting thread.

I've never been in a relationship, so I can't say anything with 100% confidence since it hasn't happened. What I do know is myself to a certain extent - and to cheat on one and go out with another is something that a virgin like me can't possibly do. Plus, financially juggling both is something ridiculous to do unless you're mad rich. Back to statistics, I've also heard lately that it's women who are more liable to cheat than men. And sometimes, I think people tend to forget what a man really was back then. I mean, the father of a family was the provider, the protector; if I married, I'd protect my wife as long as I live. To me, there's nothing more than the simple joy of having a family. A sucker of romance I may be, but that posessiveness of men is something I think fundmental in our nature, and depending on how we act, it could be a good or bad thing.

See, I think women are now taking a proactice approach to life ever since the world modernized. As "equal" to men, women are still being discriminated by gender, but in recent years, that sort of trend is slowly beginning to disappear. Women are no longer bound by archetypal roles and stereotypes and they do things they want to do. In a sense, this also contributes to my question regarding dating earlier. The playing field in love is no longer levelled, and in my opinion it's shifted in favor of women due to this freedom and equality that modern times have brought us. Women now have a "strong" and "independent" personality that was not seen in women of old.

Back on topic, we all know what happens when you're going out with someone else through Makoto of School Days - Kotonoha snapped and we have a not so "school-like" anime ending.

do some men? yes. do i? no. i think it's morally wrong. and i have almost no morals. i actually had shit like this happen to me and i forgave her. after she did it again, i was like "why?" if i look back on it in retrospect, it wasn't worth the experience. she totally changed me because she treated me like shit and screwed with my emotions. why did i date her?

I'd be fine as it is.
It seems so wrong to me that one would be fulfilled with their partner and still ask for more (though many people still do this).