Raising Children

My family was ultra-patriarchal. Speaking to my father unasked, looking him in the eyes at the dinner table, picking up cutlery before he did, or addressing him with "you" were major offences that yielded immediate, and exceedingly harsh punishment, to mention just a few. In the same vein of things, traditional gender roles were enforced to the point of caricature - males don't have emotions (that's for girls!), males never show forgiveness (that's for girls!), etc.
I would not want to make that same mistake with my children. I'd try to impose as little traditional, troglodytic stone-age thinking on them as possible. I'd try to cultivate an air of openness and mutual respect within the house, instead of an atmosphere of fear and oppression. I'd try to let them be themselves within the limits I set.

Secondly, I was raised in a climate of total obedience and extreme violence. Even the most minor of infractions (or what my father defined to be such; most rules seem hair-raisingly insane to me at this remove) were met with abusively harsh retribution. It was made clear to me at every opportunity that any kind of initiative, questioning or hesitation was unwanted; and often the objectives of what I was to do would change within seconds, ensuring that I was always breaking the rules and thus a candidate for punishment. My father's goal was to control every minute detail of my thoughts and actions. Therefore, the relationship between me and my parents was governed by extreme fear instead of fondness or affection.
I would raise my kid completely differently. I would never beat my child, no matter how much I hate kids (I do!); not only do I regard it as psychologically wrong, but it is also a sign of weakness. My goal would be to enforce my authority without violence, and in this I would look to my uncle and grandfather as examples of that being very well possible. I would also try to set sensible rules that don't contradict each other and leave the child some leeway wherever possible. I would want my child to grow into an upright, thinking and independent person, not a spineless pushover. I would want my kid to grow up in a friendly atmosphere at home.

At the same time, whenever my father was absent, I had to fill his role very early on and manage the household. Oftentimes, it felt like my brother and my mother were actually my kids.
Again, I would not want my child to go through this. Independence is nice and all, but a child should not be made to assume a role it's not supposed to fill. A kid should have time to grow up.

Also, I would take care to let my child be a child for sometime. I was put to work in the fields rather early, and then made to take up jobs next to school (the earnings were, of course, not at my disposal). At the same time, they tolerated nothing less than straight A success in any subject at school, which left me with near zero free time to spend as I would have pleased. Teaching a child responsibility is fine and all, but everything has its time and should be done with good measure. I would give my kid a relatively meagre allowance, and if they wanted more money, I would tell them to pick up a job on the side. Other than that, I would never subject them to this "planned activity" bullshit that's popular among suburban parents right now. A kid should have time to fool around, it's bad enough that the institutionalized spinebreaking dubbed school takes away 8-10 hours of their waking day.

As for education, I would again do things differently. I wouldn't demand straight-A success, and I would let my child pick the type of education it desires, so long as it gets some type of education. Whether it takes up an apprenticeship, goes through polytech school, or high school and then college would be up to the child - but I would be adamant about it completing some kind of education. Doesn't matter whether it's clown college or a mime apprenticeship - but they ought to know that it's their decision and therefore their fault if it doesn't land them their dream job. So long as they were in education or training, I'd support them financially, but I'd kick them out of the house at 18. I'd pay the rent for the flat they get if necessary, but I'd want them to stand on their own feet. For me, finally getting out of my parents' house at 18 was a very liberating and strengthening event, a true coming of age. Therefore, I'd also want my kids to learn to be autonomous and live like adults at that age.

Once they'd completed their education, I would always offer them my home as a safe haven to come to in times of emergency, but other than that would insist on them living their own life. Nothing worse than the parents who lean on grown children, trying to supervise their every step. Nothing worse.

PS: The one thing they did right was that they were extremely open-minded about sexuality and never considered the human body a taboo topic. Whenever I had a question, they answered it straight and to the point, and what's more, they made it clear that sexual activities shouldn't be associated with guilt. Given the terrible quality of sex-ed at school back in the day, that was worth incredibly much. If I were to raise a child, I'd do it exactly the same. It kept me out of being a teenage parent, which couldn't be said for several of my class-mates.

How was he to your mother just out of curiosity? He seems like a strict man, I have no idea where you're from or what type of society you live in, so I'm unsure if that is a 'norm' where you live, or if you just had a -very- old fashioned father. I can't see a woman of today's times wanting to be with such a strict man as himself, unless your parents are fairly old and have been brought up in a time like that.

It's also surprising that your father would be so strict about traditional things, but yet be very liberal about sexuality.

I would not give them allowance. I would encourage them to study hard, be polite, be a good person, and based on those actions I would give them as much as I could.

Growing up I never had allowances; I never had money of my own. Nor did I wanted that money. Whenever I wanted a game, I would ask my parents. If the answer was no (and kids also have to learn what NO means), then too bad. I had to work harder then. Or wait paciently for the price to drop (waiting is also an important thing. Not to be impulsive, but rather to think before you act. And think it over again and again if that is the right choice. And of course it always feels better when you finnaly get what you always eagered for). I'm a very pacient person. Only now I get to buy things I've wanted to buy for over 5 or more years. And it definetly feels satisfying.

@Pink-rabbit- What the hell kind of education is that? You would let your kid be a burger flipper or a prostitute? What the fuck?!

You would like him to treat you the way you treat him? Then who's the parent? Will he be the parent then? Will you let him raise your hand against you? If my kid started swearing before my eyes (sure he can do with his friends, so did I. As long as he doesn't do it before adults and family), I would make him regret it. I never once said a bad word in front of my parents, ever. No one says you can't have respect and affection at the same time.

Look, we're not talking about some other kids down the street, we're talking about your own children. Would you not really care if they become fuckups that don't give a damn about school, are disrespectful to everybody (including you), detroy their body (ex:drugs), and whattever else you wanna include in there?

Would you seriously not care? Would you be proud to have raised such kids? Would that make you happy?