Self reflection - Your opinions, please.

I lay down in my bed, in my apartment which I rent, alone and cold. Cold because I like it, it's nice. refreshing even.
As I lay there I begin to drift into my thoughts trying to figure out why I can not sleep.
I realize that I want to go home. But, I don't have a home. I don't know what a home is. They tell me that a home is somewhere you feel safe, secure, loved.
I don't know what feeling safe feels like.
I don't know what feeling secure feels like.
I don't know what feeling loved feels like.
It's not like any of this makes me sad or something.
Just curious. And curious. But then, I wonder, why are there tears?
I don't understand why I'm crying. It's as if I'm longing for something I had. But that can't be, because I would need to experience it to want it again.
These feelings make no sense.
I stopped taking the medication that the Doctor prescribed. Over the years I've been prescribed a plethora of medicines for everything from ADHD to depression.
I've come to realie that it is highly unlikely I'll ever be 'me' again. Regardless of the chemicals no longer being in my brain, the introduction into my system changed things.
My memories of my childhood are hazy and incomplete. I only remember my mothers face when I see her.
I have a name. One that was given to me at birth. That is what I am called, but is it who I am?
The meaning .....

I find myself day dreaming these days. About if I had a family. A cute wife, and a pretty daughter. Someone to take care of and be responsible for. Someone that needs to rely on me for their life, and love.

And I realize that, I cannot take care of another life. I cannot take care of my own. I can't even handle a cat. And my mind wanders through a variety of scenarios. Until I stop. My mind goes blank. And there is naught but anger. No reason for it. None that I can tell. It just sits there. Bubbling. Rising. Always there. Always around the corner. Breaching the facade I put up in front of people in subtle ways. But always repressed.
I cannot cry, I do not know why. Is it shameful? Why would I be ashamed? I feel weak if I fall to it. If I cry then I am weak? But that doesn't make sense, I can hold my own, even with tears in my eyes. So what then?
I am alone, but I am not lonely?
Is this my approach to the world?
Or is it one I've adapted myself to, due to circumstance?
Is it truly the will 'to be left alone' or is it the belief that 'it is better to be alone'?

Life has a bunch of funny things flowing about in it, does it not? And through these, for one reason or another, I have become unable to trust people. I've never had any friends or family. I can be popular but always found it tiring. Such lousy company these people are. Such superficial topics they wish to talk about. And yet, while I judge these people as fools, I myself am to be judged as well. I who, instead of talking fashion and work, would talk games and movies. A similar instance of evasion in life, and yet completely different.

I do not truly enjoy video games, I find them a great way to pass the time. And when i realie this, I have to question myself, if I am doing naught but 'waste time' is it not that much different to being dead anyway?

In my deepest depression those are the kinds of thoughs i always had ...

What is living ; breathing , eating and sleeping ? Nan , that is a walking dead , human life have to be much more than that . You have to find what will make life worth living for but it is so hard to find something into the fog that your brain is creating . Right now it is him that you shouldn't trust as he is your worst ennemy ...

I find it funny to hear someone also talk abouth video games kind of the same way i was seeing it . I was playing , and still am , a lot of video games but i didn't really enjoy it at the time . It was a way of passing time , to waste life but the more i was playing games , the more i was realising i wasn't doign anything so i started even hating games ...

What helped me is talking a lot with people , not friends or things like that , specialists , psychiatrists , therapists , social workers , specialised nurses , ect , i even past a month in a psychiatric hospital which was really fun . ^^ But everyone is different , i and no one can really know what can help you else than yourself . All i can say is that if you want to change your situation you have to do something new , if you continue what you always do , your situation will never change or get worst ...

The rage, the hatred, the wrath, the lust, the envy, the darkness all lurk within my heart; my silent guardians, yet my silent executioners.
They protect from all, keeping me company in my lonliness; yet they whisper. Oh, what they whisper!
"Spread your lonliness, hatred, darkness to all! Let them know your pain! Let them know the darkness, and the hatred, and the rage, and the burning all consuming fire in their souls!
"Let them know that no matter how much they run and hide and pretend not to notice us that we are here, lurking in the shadows, out of the corner of their eyes. Let them know and despair!"

Yet my reply is always this, "Darkness and hatred lurk within all of us, yes. But only few realize it because they stare at it.
"I don't want anyone else to live in the darkness like I have. Everyone else deserves the light. Even though I want so much to hate everyone else for living in the light, naïve to other's sacrifices, I can't bring myself to. I love them too much.
"I want to dive down into the darkness and be the one to save everyone else. That is why I chose to be alone and gather my own darkness as my friends, for I know only you shall be with me in the end.
"Thus I cannot see myself tying my soul to another, for fear that they may share my fate. For if my soul shall be corrupted, our dreams of the futures the marrow shall be rendered shattered.
"That is why I stand tall, proud and stoic in my days with my friends, never letting them know. I want to cherish the few years I have with them, and let them know I shall always be their friend.
"You ask why I wish to be lonely? It is because I have moved so much and seen so much pass me by, that it feels time and attachment and love are of little consequence.
"I am a restless soul that can never be tamed. I shall wander the rest of my days, paying this unpayable debt I have.
"My life I was given is my debt, something so precious and powerful, yet sometimes wasted away.
"I pay everyday trying my best to make others realize what and wonder gift they hold in their hands and to not waste it like others have.
"My life is less precious then theirs and thus I want them to see, to realize such a grand and powerful gift they have.
"People shouldn't fear death and the end, but instead fear never living, never accomplishing what they dream of. You never know until you try.
"I have so far to go and my convictions to stay true to and never waver from before I can rest."

My life is what you can call a very boring and uninteresting one. I go to work, go home, eat, play games/watch anime, go to sleep and on my day-offs I go to the groceries, wash my clothes and iron them, play games, then sleep. I've been doing the same routine for the past 4 and a half years. My parents think I'm a disgrace because I dropped out College ever since then I've been all alone, seeing my friends graduate and now a success really hurts inside and I always thought if I haven't dropped out will I be a success like my friends? Will my life change to be better? Will my parents love me again? Almost every night I asked myself those questions but never find the answer and I kept forcing myself, telling myself that: "it's okay one day you will find you're purpose in life... one day"

The society that I live in made me realize that home isn't just your family only , it's your friends , relatives and your school or job , having good relations with people ,when you laugh with them ,sit down and talk for hours with them , even doing stupid things with them will build a home in these people hearts for you
when you're away from this home that you made with your laughs and your nice behaviour , you feel lost , very different feelings rush to your head , you try to look for someone you know , you feel like you're nothing
that's the main difference between home and not having a home .


when you sleep at night you start thinking about various things , the first thing come to my mind every night is the feeling when If I lost my family , my friends , my home , what will happen ??
in funerals you look around you , the people isn't crying but you can see the sadness in their eyes , why ??
I remember how his son was complaining about his father and his attitude
how his wife , his brother , everyone was complaining about him
but when you follow one of his sons , his brothers , his friends to his car and you see how his son or brother collapse and start crying , you reliaze that his father or his mother or his brother or his friend had a special place in this person heart you want to have a special place in everyone heart ,this will make you want to build home in everyone heart .



when you are going to die someday , are people going to look at your grave and talk about the great man you was ??
when you die , is people are going to be around you and smile to your face , and you smile back ???


Pills , they didn't work , nothing from "specialists" worked for me .

I have one request , don't tell yourself that you can't , everything is possible if you but it in your mind , if you focused enough
who told you that you can't , and if you failed once , gather yourself and stand up and try more and more
if you keep telling yourself that you can't then you are going to lose hope , which will make you more depressed

try searching for friends , not friends from your level , try searching for people who are going to talk about real things , about real problems , when they are going to tell you about their problems you will feel stupid , you will feel like you're ridiculous , people talking about how they will get food for tonight and I'm complaining about the types of food that I don't like .

and about the time , try as much as you can to do good and nice things to the people around you , even try to do good things to people that you don't know , you won't realize the happiness on people face when you put a package full with new clothes in front of a poor people house and you run away to hide yourself.
helping other people will make you feel worthy , will make you happy ,

I live in a house that is not mine, it is the banks.
I watch movies that are not mine, they the studios.
I ride a bus that is not mine, it is the cities.
I have thoughts that are not mine, they are my influences.
I often at night stare at a ceiling with 8,392 protrusions.
On this ceiling there is a small hole over the bed.
It is a dot.
I often stare at this dot.
Dots do not move.
But in the waning hours of night,
when sleep does not beckon.
I watch the dot move.
Dots do not move.
I wonder why I am wake.
I want to sleep, but I can't.
Would the dot continue to move if I were a sleep?
Dots do not move.
If someone was beside me would they see the dot move?
Probably not.
I am alone with thoughts that are not mine.
I wonder if I spackled the dot if it would still move.
The dot would be gone.
But I would know it was there.
Under the Spackle.
Wanting to move.
There would be more protrusions.

yes. it's particularly different. there's nothing after death, and while you may feel your life is currently shit, you'll always hope for a better tomorrow. While that hope exists your current and future life will have a value beyond nothing.

"Because wonderful things are infinite."
No. NO. I beg to differ, you are NOT the same with the dead. Death is so, surely, undoubtedly finale, while life is too much of a possibility. Minus and plus are different from zero.

I do believe you lied to yourself about not enjoying anything. Video games ARE a way to pass your time, and if you find them great, than you enjoyed them.

Remember, in this world, wonderful things are infinite.

A sane person in an insane environment is considered as insane. Concepts like success, failure, efficiency and even "wasting time" are borne out of society's expectations. Why is having a great job with an even better 401K return in the long run considered desirable? Why is hanging out with people considered the better thing to do than staying at home playing video games? Why do we even live to begin with? Don't let your expectations and thoughts be guided by the whims of others. There are some who derive joy from company; there are some who prefer solitude. Hanging out with people is all fun and good, but what's left after the laughter but the empty popcorn bags and empty wallets? Make your own memories according to what you desire, be it empty wallets, clearing Dragon Quest or reading Fakku. There will come a day when one is thrust into the workforce; but first one must develop and discover one's true interests and character.

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."
- William Ernest Henley, "Invictus".

home... home is where you make it... you'll always be home if you have some where you can rest your weary head at night and trust me I've seen worse hell my life isn't all its cracked up to be when i laugh with my friends because no matter how broke i may be or homeless or starving i dont stay down on the ground i get up and never give up and thats how i have always been through relationships, funerals, etc don't give up because no matter how bad your life may seem even with your chronic depression and adhd it doesn't matter... medicine doesn't change you only you change you and thats the only possible way to do that so believe in yourself and find the courage inside u thats always been dorment and perserveer for your own stupendous future that you make with your own hands change the world around u as u see fit and always remember who you are and never give up no matter how hard u get kicked down