[Summer Contest Entry 2012]An Unphogetable Summer

Review #11

Grammer: Alright.

The OK/Bad: I'm going to be brutally honest. I'm not sure what you were going with here. You created a character that there is no way we can like. Self-deprication is not an honorable quality when that, in of itself, is the only quality he has. He has a million and one phobias, he's ugly, a creeper, and an introvert. The strongest aspect of an unlikeable character is that one quality that validates the rest of the bad ones. In this case, you seem to make him out as a bad guy, through and through. Let me give you an example. In one of these stories, the main character was a playboy only out for money- yet he's insanely likeable. Why? Because when he is called into action, he disregards himself and goes to save another person.

Structure wise, I honestly don't know who the main character is talking to. Is it the audience? Or is it his diary? There needs to be context if you're breaking the fourth wall.

Thanks for your opinion, well the first thing is, this work is purely comedic. I had a read of the other works and decided they were pretty much the same length; long. On top of that they all seemed rather serious, so I thought I might add a little variety perhaps and don't get me wrong, I envy the works of others, its a true learning experience. You're not suppose to like or dislike the character, you're just meant to laugh either with him or at him, it really doesn't matter. If it made you feel awkward an disgusted then good, if you laughed, better. In this case you felt "He has a million and one phobias, he's ugly, a creeper, and an introvert", that, right there, is what I wanted to capture in my character, so thank you for the indirect compliment :) And to answer your question regarding who the protagonist was addressing, well, its called a monologue, so I guess, in a way, he is talking to whoever the audience may be.

As writers, (wannabe writer) for my case, I think it is good to blatantly do a little advertising so that more people are aware of what we have written. Never mind that we piss people off in the process.

I noticed that this entry is quite similar in nature to that entry of which I will post here. Some references to your work are in this thread.

https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91238

I see what you did there, a beautiful Roman Shower indeed. You should create a more detail on the vomiting part, even though it might sound disgusting on some readers, it will actually prove a big plus =)

Oh yeah, I don't know if the protagonist is actually a fat man until you gave a brief description of dat hahaha~

Though I kind of confused, he has a fear of sexual intercourse? But still actually gets it on with another girl? Looks like he finally get through the mental conflict for a little but it would be better if that mental conflict of his sexual intercourse fear was described more clearly~

I see that his fear hasn't leaving him that long since it made him vomited(lol) at the girl xD

I truly wonder what has actually happened after all dat, it might lead to a moar sleazy vomit vanilla =)

Wow, thanks for the kind reply and the suggestions, definitely provided me with ways to improve on my writing. I'm actually rather intimidated by the people around here after seeing what they've wrote or what critism they've recieved. But I would have to say the best part about this experience is getting to trade comments with one another. Thanks

There is really a demand for rants and self-depreciation in this forum since they are so few of them. I am really looking forward to more work like this, truth to be told.

Hello there. I can see you are knowledgeable with a lot of phobias. (Btw, is there a phobia about fearing phobias? If there is, I have that. Their names are… errr… long, and unpronounceable.)

Anyway, I think all of those scientific names are not needed. You could’ve focused more on the character’s struggle being sex-phobic, and not all those stuff which have eaten words in your entry. You could have told us a story from his past, where he accidentally bumped to an old woman who incidentally wants to have sex with him. That would be fun.


But saying all those phobias, it doesn’t really help the main focus. Though I felt the comedy, and that’s the important.

Ah yes, some sort of back story would serve good as a foreshadow and purhaps add to the suspense. Yes, in the process of writing I did feel that the listing of phobias was a bit pedantic and awkward if anything. Thanks for the suggestions. Oh and yes there is indeed a phobia about fearing phobias (Phobophobia, creative huh?). I really wanted to implement it in my story, but could'nt come up with a situation where it would be humerous.

I think the bigger catch twenty-two isn't even basic carnal desire v fear of sex. I think it's fear of hair v fear of baldness. Now that is some lose-lose black juju.

Well, you can rewrite this stuff, and I’ll be looking forward to it. (I’m a sucker for a literary comedy). And the Phobophobia, dang it. What should I call myself? Phobophobic? Errr…

Thanks again for all the support :) I'm actually rewriting it as we speak. Looking forward to the next writing competition.