[2Roads 2014] Are You Innocent?

An entry for the Two Roads contest, Are You Innocent? is the tale of a necromancer and a once-mortal man entrapped by more than just her spell.

Words: 2000

Why no arrows shall be used


Karne knows best


Rose's after-battle ritual


If not for the fire . . .


This trip to town


One mile back


No tighter situation

I felt this was rather enjoyable. The fantasy setting was a nice guideline, but I somehow expected more details on how she was able to resurrect Jason. If she just so happens to have necromantic powers that she can't control, it's interesting and worth elaborating on, although I suppose the limit was a concern.

Still, the world has a nice sense of mystique behind it, inquisitors, necromancy, standard medieval intrigue.

I pitied Karne. A good man all too trusting to fall for his benevolence.

And Rose. I suppose her name is popular with us these days. I think it's more fitting for Innocent since she clearly brandishes her thorns.

Sad their adventures will not go on, at least we may not know what happens to Rose, but...Well, they were assholes, weren't they?

Well done, dood.

The thing about this story is it took me some time to find my footing and figure out the direction I wanted to take it, but once I did, I was getting a lot of ideas, which I unfortunately just couldn't throw in because of the word limit. I think there's definitely the potential to turn this into a bigger story, and I'd like to do that one day.



Were they, or were they just good people forced to do shitty things?

I would say that good people don't do shitty things on the pretense that they take advantage of other people's benevolence, trick them on behalf of their good will, murder them, try to resurrect them and fail, then happily loot their goods, "You sure know how to pick 'em" implying they do it regularly, count their coffers with content as it's filled with blood money, kill an innkeeper unnecessarily who would have kept quiet, then kill numerous inquisitor guards (though perhaps that's more from self-defense). They may be nice to each other, and love each other, but I don't think that makes them good people.

Well...That's my assessment from this brief look into their world. I still find them interesting and would love to see more if that's what you end up doing.

Oh, I will . . . eventually!

Thought I'd comment on this, seeing as I've read it once. One question: why do have little ~chapter~ headers? In my opinion, it adds very little (although the second one was humorous) but, because of the strictures of the contest, raises the word count, thus making them cumbersome.



Would she call him a zombie, though? This is set before, as a mystical creature, zombies had been created; perhaps, a different word like undead or [something that has been necromanced] (personally I wouldn't a mind a word like this necro-???)



I'm assuming you meant she here right?





Subjunctive were here.



Personally, I would have written twenty-two, but that might add an extra word to the word count.

So the Inquisition is going to be all Spanish with Rose, huh? Jason's dead (somehow) for the second time. Maybe the doctors can do an autopsy and find the arrowhead, and they'll be all like "well, this is strange". This reads slightly like your Halloween entry, which ended on a cliffhanger.

My only defense is . . . I felt like it. I should probably delete them unless I can think of a way to make them more important. I dare say I've got plenty of time now that Coffee has extended the deadline by a month, which actually plays well with the contents of my story, what with the contest now coming to a close around Halloween.



I'm going to have to say you're wrong on that. This is my world. I can call dead guys what I want. However, you do bring up a good point. It'd probably be more eye-catching if I used a more fantastical word than zombie.



Yes. I'm a little peeved there were still some grammatical errors in there. I only read over it like 50 times!



But I have 1999 words! I can afford an extra word!



I really wish I had more space to go into the nature of necromancy in this world, but with the word constraint, I fear that If I cut out too much of the other content, it will begin to feel like just a big info dump on this aspect of the world.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, by the way. Really appreciate it.

I actually felt like the titles added a splash of personality to the story. I hadn't seen it done here before and it seems fresh. To remove them seems unnecessary, in my eyes. Perhaps simply because they summarize something the contents should convey regardless, I mean, people don't usually summarize parts in that manner unless it's drawn out in a series or previous parts need to be referred to, but I don't think they're worth removing just on those pretenses alone.



Why do you say this is set before zombies had been created? It seems to me to be a world entirely fictional, thus anything would be possible. Are you talking about the history of the term 'zombie' and its use in horror as a genre? I mean, zombies are in table-top games like D&D and Pathfinder, so they would fit in a fantasy setting, I'd imagine.



I enjoy writing numbers out as well, as it is a matter of style, but I believe any numbers 1 through 9 are acceptable to state numerically in writing, although I suppose everyone has their differing rules. The important thing is to stay consistent, though there are exceptions.

To find out more, check out this article by Grammar Girl: How to Write Numbers



Naturally it would be nice to fit in everything we'd like, but we do have a finite space to fill and you must progress a story to completion, at least a sufficient amount to make it wholesome by beginning and ending appropriately. Allow the reader a graceful amount to fill in the details with their imagination. Action is needed more than details, as much as it pains me to say as one who is obsessed with description. I must quote H.P. Lovecraft on the topic of plot:

"Plots may be simple or complex; but suspense, and climactic progress from one incident to another, are essential, . . . Every incident in a fictional work should have some bearing on the climax or denouement, and any denouement which is not the inevitable result of the preceding incidents is awkward and unliterary."

†• H.P. Lovecraft

Definitely not bad, I was a bit confused at first, but got quite interested in the story in the end.

[Insert joke about Inquisition]

After reflecting on it, I do think the first third of the story is the weakest part. It does not really add much to the story considering the length of it. Showing that they are on the run and using any means necessary to get by could have been done with less words.
It would have allowed for more depth to their relationships and meeting or their relationship to the Inquisitor and the Inquisition, as well as their battle in the end.

I was also confused with the "Innocent" Jason spouted, only at the end I realized it was her name. Not sure if I missed something there.

I do like medieval settings, but I am personally not a fan of the medieval settings with modern language. "Fuck" and "Shit" weren't used in their modern meanings then. Please prove me wrong, I have been reading up on it, and the origins are sketchy, but I do believe their usage for swearing is quite modern.
That use of language is part of style of course, so it is your choice in the end.

It plays into the "zombie" thing someone else said. Choice of words for your world is quite important to paint the complete picture. I'm not a big fan of using "zombie" for medieval stories either, that may be in part because so many stories in recent years have used it excessively in modern settings.
As the author and creator of the world it is of course your choice to call things how you want, but you shouldn't say people are "wrong" for voicing their opinions on which words sound awkward in context.

I'll keep that in mind.



I do refer to Rose with her full name at the beginning of the little scene before that one.



I'm too lazy to do the research right now, but I think fuck and shit were used as cuss words to at least some extent during the Middle Ages. You definitely wouldn't have used them in polite conversation, that's for sure.



When I said Logo was wrong, I was referring to zombie being a historically inaccurate word to use, not an awkward choice.

So you do. To me it didn't sound like a name, but like an adjective. I did find it a strange choice of words, but I didn't give it any more thought.

I hope you would not mind criticism. I believe both of us are resigned to the fact that we do not take to each other's work and you can already picture my criticism about this entry I have without having to read through the entire post.

I have made clear my preference for the traditional narrative where things are preferably in chronological order and where characters and settings ought to be defined. For examples of these I refer you to the classic collection of Chinese ghost stories known as Strange Tales from a Studio by Pu Songling of the Qing Dynasty (or if you are familiar with English history, the Georgian era). Perhaps you can get your hands on the translation by the great Sinologist Hebert Giles. (There is even fourth-wall breaking at the end of each story which I think must have picked up subconsciously.)

Digressing aside, same old gripes not too dissimilar with my problems with your adventure in some permafrost research base contest entry which featured a crossword puzzle with nonsense words and suggestions of infanticide. It is very difficult to string together disjointed stories into something coherent and that is made more difficult because I don't know how Jason is (and what he is doing with a carcass), I don't know who Karne is (and what he knows best) and more matters that have to do with a proper introduction of characters and setting.

Here is a 'review' reminiscent of LEONARD267 HATES A GAME OF THRONES PROLOGUE:



I have my suspicions that my gripes with your entry are exactly what you thought made it good, just like your points of criticism of my entry are exactly why I thought my entry is enjoyable. I can quite confidently say that I am not going to change my style anytime soon and I see no reason why you have to do the same.

Alas where our tastes of how a story ought to be presented is concerned, I fear what lie between us is a chasm that can never be bridged. You enjoy more contemporary ways of telling a story and I am more old fashioned.

PS: I might consider doing a bit of translation (perhaps that of Strange Tales) in the future.

My original idea was to do an entire story centered on that. Make it look like someone's using innocent as an adjective to describe people, and then discover toward the end that it's actually a person they're looking for.



Come on, man. I know I don't tell you who Karne is when I first mention his name in the scene title, but literally the first paragraph of that scene describes who he is. The title itself is irony.



You approach this review with the mindset that the story actually follows guidelines that you just don't agree with, but this is a good point. It would probably be better to stick to one pov in so short a story.



The first little scene with the arrow is a result of me going OCD and wanting to cover as many logical gaps as I could. After writing the scene where Rose stops Karne so Jason can sneak up behind and kill him, I realized they could have just used arrows without having to go through the trouble of creating the ruse they used. So I thought to myself, "I must include something that explains why they won't be using arrows!" Not that that counters your point at all. I just wanted to share.



Grey on grey morality!



Well, I'm not so certain. In the last paragraph, Jason is killed and Rose is injured and taken into custody. Could you not say that this is an end to their journey? I'd argue that in at least that respect, it is a conclusion.



That brings up an interesting question. Do I think my story is good? I want to say yes obviously, but is it? Is it any better than yours? I don't think I can confidently answer that.



Tell you what. One of these days I'll stop using the whole this-is-my-style-deal-with-it excuse and write a story more in line with what you think makes a good story. I might even do it pretty soon, like for the winter writing contest or something. I'm sure it'll be an interesting experience at the least.

****excuse my grammar/spelling, i suck at it***

I really dilly and batililly liked this one.

I was able to picture the whole story in my head with ease and the story itself was well written. Although the story itself was pretty predictable, the background story of Jason and Rose show'd that they were no ordinary bandit's. I also liked the part's where you introduce'd the gate guard into the story and gave him the appropriate personality. Karne played the role of a sucker who fell for the trap well. I really liked how you gave that snobby military characteristic to Inquisitor Zarkazon. He play'd his part with perfection at the Gate scene really well.
Overall, it was definitely really good story but I would have wished for an alternative ending. An ending where Jason has already gone through Death itself and knew how lonely and dark it was. Experiencing that alone made him wish for Rose to live long and well so that she wouldn't have to go through was he has gone through. He might have also believe'd that if he was to ever die again, that Rose might be able to revive him back from the dead just as before. Then he think of a plan to convince that if they were to ever be caught in a tight situation, that he would like for her to live on, and he will probably have to feed her some bs on how she could revive him back to life if something was to ever happen, so she wont back out of the plan. Then when it comes to the part where they are caught in the alley, Jason whisper to Rose that he's going to make an opening to help her escape. She manage's to escape while he try's to take out as many as he can until he ends up being killed by a lucky stab from Inquisitor Zarkazon. End it there and make the reader wanting to crave for more. I know that If i was in Jason shoe's, that what I would have done.
Ohh boy, but I must say, you gave Rose a wonderful name. When you think hard about her name, you will soon realize that it fits in perfect with the story. It so perfect that you can even take out the part where her parents gave her that name but instead replace it to show that she had another name but the Malteer Empire gave her that nickname based on her background. Why is it perfect? Well, when you think about a pretty lady that has proper manners, and is kind to all, you think of an innocent lady and when you think about a rose, you either see it as way of showing life or death, also a Rose has thorns on them. As a lady bandit, she's the type of gal that deceives people with her innocence (Innocent part of her name), but she can also take your life if she wanted to(A rose of death), but in her case, she was able to bring her partner back to life(A rose of life), which leads to her name as Innocent Rose. So when commoners think of a bandit called "Innocent Rose", they will think of a Rose that may seem innocent by it's natural beauty but can easily cut you with it's sharp thorns. So the name reminded to watch out for any innocent lady's, as she can take your life away if you get caught in her trap..... Exactly as how that man on that wagon died. Saw a pretty young lady come out from the creepy forest, fell for her trap, and payed the price of death.
Ahh, but ya, no need to listen to me about changing it, my fantasy's are running wild on this story right now.

But ya i liked it, good job.

There was only two sentence's that didn't sound right to me

This didn't sound right. You can probably word it better.
“It’s just down the main road, big sign out front. You can’t miss it."
Specifically this part
"Big sign out front"

Second is this. It left me confused.
Rose cursed the halfwit excuses for parents the gods had graced her with.
Didn't like how this sounded also.
Could they have come up with a dumber name?
I feel like it would of been better if you said
"Couldn't they have came up with a better name?"




Why didn't you explain as to who killed Karne in the story. I picture'd it as Rose killing Karne with a dagger right in the back while he was lifting her, and then Jason showing up seconds later already looking inside the Wagon.


Meh, i'm no writer as you can see, so don't overkill me.

I have something interesting to share with you d. Royal disliked my entry as much he liked yours. Interesting eh? He thinks my entry is a mess (no idea why, I supposed it had to do with the tone being all over the place) though I have to say that your entry is a mess (my apologies) in the sense of alternating between point of views. I suppose he is going with how he feels about the entry. My entry is fooling around with him and the tone of your entry is more or less consistent.

As for Karne, I admit that I somehow managed not to pay attention to the sentence that described him as a merchant. But in terms how he was relevant to the story, yes I would like to ask, "Who is he?" I supposed his death was to show that Rose is a bandit. If it was the point of view of someone significant like the Inquisitor then the switch of POV would easier to stomach.

Thanks, RoyalElite. I'm glad to hear you like it.



I'm sure Rose would appreciate that. Of course, if you did sacrifice yourself for her, you better pray she doesn't manage to figure out how to bring you back again.

Anyway, I just don't see Rose getting out of that situation alive and not in Inquisition hands considering how many guys are after her.



Would you believe me if I said I used that name just because I thought it sounded cool?



That is probably the best compliment I've received on my writing to date.



What about it doesn't sound right? Is it the way the sentence flows, or do you just not like the phrase "big sign out front?"



Sorry, I like this line. Maybe I'll change it if like fifty more people bring it up.



Rereading the part where Kane dies, I can see how it might not be clear for everyone not me. What happens is Jason sneaks up and stabs Karne in the back while he's distracted by Rose.



Score 1 for me.



I'm not sure if consistently messy is something I should be proud of or not.



Pretty much. Here's this nice merchant guy. Yes, he just got murdered by the main characters. Now feel bad for them as they run from the Inquisition that's come to stop them from murdering other nice merchants and decent people.



I hear you on that.

I think he's having an issue with the diction of the quotation. It might be awkward to see it in writing, but if you can imagine it being spoken, it's less awkward and actually a more casual way of speaking, in particular while giving directions.



That's interesting. I also thought Rose stabbed him.

I guess it doesn't super matter in this case. The result's the same either way.

Yup ^_^



lol



I look'd it over and it sound fine. Just ne going nuts.



I had to read it over 4 times to understand it, but can you explain what it means in details. I want to make sure I got if I got it correct.

Rose feels that her parents were idiots for naming her Innocent. ". . . the gods had graced her with" indicates that she's from a polytheistic culture, and she's kind of blaming her gods for making her be born to parents who would come up with such a stupid name for a kid.