[2Roads 2014] Chronos’ Purgatory

The sounds of a heart monitor stilled signifying the abrupt end of Elle’s life, silencing her journey in this world and thrusting her into the next. Her body descended on the bed, her surroundings faded until there was nothing left but the shell that carried her consciousness. She floated alone in a realm of endless midnight black until a bright white glow pierced the veil of darkness above and sucked her body through a vortex. She traveled at speeds incomprehensible, the lights from the walls of the tunnel gleamed off her and radiated into her. Her pale and loose skin tightened and retained its youthful color. The elderly lady had regressed to her prime. This revived body continued on its path, sucked into a channel of purity; white light shined around her until nothing could be distinguished.

Elle awoke on a flat surface. She looked up at the ceiling and saw a conglomeration of pipelines leading in many directions. Her eyes blinked a few times until she sat up and dangled her feet off the side of the elevated metal plateau. Moments earlier, she was a decrepit old lady incapable of moving without assistance but now she twisted and looked around by herself, collecting the image of the room she found herself in. Pipes travelled all over the room, steam burst at their joints on occasion. The room was lit in a faint tone of yellow from kerosene lamps that protruded off the walls on sconces. She touched her feet to the floor and her toes met a metal grate through which appeared water flowing in a channel. The trickling of condensation from pipes and the stream of moving water echoed slightly.

Away from the plateau was a hallway, and although there was nothing beyond her own curiosity to drive her, so too was there no reason to stay. Elle stepped onward through the hall, the décor unchanged. She turned a bend and met two large metal doors. They creaked as she opened them inward to reveal a larger room. This new room was similar to the hallway; pipes surrounded the walls, but along with wheels of various sizes and shapes, alternators hummed and vibrated along the frame of the entryway, and steam exhausts burst when their content reached expulsion. It was as if she entered a power plant, but as she walked even further into the antechamber, she took note of the change in furnishings. Clocks lined the walls, many different kinds and shapes. The room synchronized in the tick-tocking of so much machinery. Most were analogue, but a few were digital and seemed out of place. Also out of place were some automated hourglasses timed to rotate when the tops had emptied. A pendulum the height of the tall room swayed back and forth in the center a bit further in. A walkway circled around it, although she could feel the wind it carried as she walked passed. It almost frightened her when it stopped before her face. Above it exhibited a large counter which displayed “888” although the meaning eluded her.

The antechamber converged at the end of the room with steps upward towards a veranda. At the center stood a magnificent mechanical suit of metal, appearing almost angelic and bearing an emotionless steel face. She felt eerie around it, almost as if it would jump at her, even if it appeared still. Behind it was an opening to the vast darkness that surrounded this oasis. However, as her eyes adjusted from the light of the room, stars and nebulae appeared in a vast expansion. She marveled at the beauty of it all, and how it reminded her of the vastness of the universe and her seemingly former life.

Minutes went by as she gazed outward, and she would have continued had a voice not interrupt her. “Every time you come here, you always go straight to the view.” Any other person would have suffered a fright, but Elle was comfortable, almost like she experienced this before. Perhaps it was as the voice claimed and this was not her first time here. She turned and was unsurprised that the angelic suit had rotated to face her. The suit looked towards her, then out and onward towards the vast blackness.

“Who are you?” She asked. The inflections of her voice as she uttered those three words echoed within her head and shuffled together countless times. She heard herself ask that question a hundred times in the span of mere seconds. Her eyes dilated as she realized the effect and magnitude of the question.

“Here I am known as Io, appointed by Him to be guardian and keeper to this realm, your sentinel as you transition from this world to the next.” The suit’s eyes flashed with blue luminance, speaking with pride in its position.

“Then this really is the afterlife, isn’t it?” Elle looked down and then outward towards outer space, or at least the illusion of it. “I expected something a bit more…heavenly, I suppose.”

“This is not heaven, Eleanor. This is your purgatory and I am your sentry.” The suit spoke almost monotone, but Elle felt her face flush at it calling her by name. It felt so real, like it really did know her.

“How many times have I been here? Why do I feel so…lonely?” She asked, adamant in desiring details.

“This is your eight-hundred and eighty-eighth visit to the nexus of Chronos, the purgatory by which you sent yourself eight-hundred and eighty-seven times after the reincarnations that followed your visit.” The automaton spoke without sense of hesitation, its voice robotic and precise, yet masculine. “You feel lonely because each time prior to your arrival, you took your own life after losing your beloved. You were punished to be reincarnated after each visit because He did not accept your abrupt end to the life you were given. As such, you were cursed to relive the same instance in repetition. Your beloved would suffer a doomed life during your own. This time is the exception. This eight-hundred and eighty-eighth occasion marks the first time you lived a full life after the death of your soul mate.”


Elle felt empty, like a silent observer as her guardian poured forth all this information in front of her. The suit walked towards a nearby pedestal; each step it took was mechanical and heavy. It pressed a few buttons and a light emitted from the device. “Yes, you’re right. My love…My love died of a rare disease. I was so infuriated at his death, I felt a strong desire to take my life as well, but I took an oath to become a doctor and work towards healing others who were stricken with the same fate.”

“You succeeded in your endeavor. Gaze into the chronoscope at what became of your life.” A hazy screen formed in place of the window towards the universe, showing her medical team using her research to develop a cure. “It was too late to save your beloved, but this is an outlier from your prior incarnations.” As it reported, the screens depicted previous dimensions and iterations of her lives. In one screen, she was a schoolgirl crying in bed with a funeral picture of a boy she never told her feelings for. In another, she was barely an adolescent and failed to catch a boy before he fell into a raging river. In another, she sobbed next to a hospital bed as cancer put an end to the life of the man she loved. In another, she was in tears as her beloved was conscripted into service and never returned. In yet another screen, he was toiling in a field, then run through with a spear by a group of bandits. Then, each of her deaths played out in a mosaic. She leapt from six stories up high. She took a knife to her throat. She overdosed on medication. She drowned herself. She tempted a poisonous snake to bite her. She hanged herself. She thrust a sword to her gut. She jumped from a cliff towards sharp and jagged rocks below. She watched them and her eyes began to water.

All of her lives culminated in such tragic methods, the combination of her feelings resurfaced, the feelings of loss returned within her. She sniffled and buried her face in one hand, raising the other in protest. “Enough. I can’t watch anymore.” She tried to wipe the tears away, but realizing the futility.

“This time is the exception, Eleanor.” The keeper walked down the steps into the antechamber in front of the large swinging pendulum. “You did not take your life, so you have earned your passage outside of this purgatory and into the salvation of heaven.” The mechanical arm raised and the pendulum stopped as it pointed straight down. It split in two and both sides extended, creating a bright portal that led towards a realm of purity. “You are free to end this circle if you choose.”

She smiled and took a step forward, all her suffering could end. However, she stopped and felt her heart ache with such an intensity, that she could not bear the thought. She shook her head. “I refuse.” Io, although it was artificial, displayed a hesitation and shock of disbelief at her decision. “He is not here with me, my Vee. My Vincent. If he is not here with me, then it will be no such salvation. Send me back if you will, but I could never dream of…of…” She coughed and began to stutter, as if a vice gripped her throat. “I-If my beloved isn’t by my side, then it is not my heaven! I would rather…r-rather come back another eight-hundred and eighty-eight times if it would mean he would be able to come with me.” Elle gasped for air, even though she was unsure why she needed it anymore. She took deep breaths and eventually calmed herself. “So, thank you, but I cannot go. Send me back and I’ll try again. Maybe this time he will survive and I will finally be able to spend my life with him.”

Io was silent, unexpected considering its make-up. Its body began to tremble and shake. Its chassis clicked and unhinged as it spoke. “That will be…unnecessary. With this being your decision…I no longer need to be…your guardian here.” Elle looked on in confusion and surprise, its chest popped and detached, the metallic mask slid off revealing the face of a man familiar to her over the span of numerous existences. She ran towards him and wrapped her arms around his body as the pieces of armor fell apart around him. He fell from the elevated steel boots into the arms of his eternal lover. “Eleanor. My Elle. I was cursed to come here before you and follow you when you left. Now we finally have the blessing to continue on†•together.” He pulled from her and looked into her eyes. She could not believe how real it seemed, but she soaked in the image before her, their proximity a reality.

“Vee. I’m forever yours.” She met his gaze for a moment and hugged him closely. Their unsteady breaths quivered as emotion began to overtake them in small whimpers. It took them a moment to regain composure in each other’s embrace. Yet, when they were mentally prepared, the two stood up, entwined their hands, and passed through the portal together, leaving the purgatory of time behind them.

The large counter above the portal reset, however the vast ticking of clockwork continued on, keeping time of the earth and the lovers within. Somewhere in another dimension, Chronos smiled to himself, flipped an ordinate celestial hourglass, and opened a portal back to his nexus. Father Time would prepare it for a new fated couple, to offer them another chance at the salvation of pure love†•and if they needed it†•eight-hundred and eighty-eight more.

---

A/N: 2,000 words on-the-dot including the title.

Took me about an evening to write it all out, another to re-read and re-write some parts.

If the code at the end confuses you, understand that the letter "i" in many languages is pronounced with a long "ee" sound, then try saying each part aloud.

Best of luck to all other contestants.

Have you ever played Skyrim? The setting of the story reminds me a lot of the Dwemer ruins, not that that's a bad thing. Just saying.

I see what you did there at the end, and I wonder if that was your intention from the beginning or if it was something you realized you had the opportunity to do.

I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to say since this is an entry for a contest, but there's some repetition in your descriptions.

There's no real sense of conflict. It's mostly just, "Hey, here's what's going on." There's some near the end when Elle refuses to move on without Vincent, but then it gets resolved immediately after.

I have played Skyrim so I know exactly what you mean. I would say the settings are very similar because you can think of the Nexus as a steampunk haven. The Dwemer areas are very similar in respect to a steampunk style, one that relates to industrial steam technology, yet shines in some unique science-fiction and futuristic manner. I think the anime movies Steamboy and Castle in the Sky also show it off quite well.

About the code within their names, it's sort of half and half. I usually like the characters within my stories to have some deeper meaning, or to symbolize something unique. Vincent, Vee, was a nod to Vy from xnine's series, although of the opposite gender, it was a couple doomed to tragedy in whichever frame of existence he wrote it, and that was sort of referenced in the mention of them in a hospital, but that is very minimal and so I feel obligated to call it as my intention or it'll go unnoticed. xnine would have gotten it, but only because I asked him for permission beforehand. I changed it to Vee to clarify how I want the reader to pronounce it, because that's always an issue: Vee, Vy, Vie, Vwai.

Elle's name was spontaneous, I felt a strong attraction to it and Ella. I was reminded of a book I read as a kid called Ella Enchanted and became inspired. Io was originally going to be named D.E.M. for Deus Ex Machina, god from the machine. It was more what I was going for, but I realized it sounded too similar to Future Diary. Even though I've never seen it, I'm aware of the synopsis, so I didn't want to seem like I was ripping from something I've never even watched, so I changed it to Io. It's funny too, because Vincent being discovered to have been Io is in fact a deus ex machina plot device in writing.

Io is the name of a lady in Greek mythology, and a moon of Jupiter, but the name has surfaced in other areas of pop culture to represent something celestial and spiritual. My main form of inspiration, Io from DotA 2:

Then, I realized I was calling my characters letters...L...V...I O...The code revealed itself to me then and I thought it was so stupid and cute that I had to include it. Funny how some things are planned and others just fall into place like that. I mean, it's not perfect and a tad silly, but there you go. I know some authors like to hide their intent in more professional publications, but I think it's fun letting you guys know about my thought process for these sorts of things. Who knows, maybe we can inspire one another?

I think Coffee made it clear that we can talk about grammar and structure, and may even edit after suggestions are given, but there can't be any advice on plot or world development. I think that's just as well, since I wouldn't change any of that regardless. If you found repetitious stuff, I'd like to hear it. I will only change typos and errors I didn't find, but I'm pretty sure I got them all. Sometimes I get caught up in the moment when writing and I say some things in different ways for artistic purposes or a build-up of intensity. If you see inconsistencies or redundancy, I think it'd help me as a writer if you called me out on it so I can learn for the future. Your call what you're comfortable with, though.

About the conflict, or lack thereof, you may be right, but this is written with a focus on the pinnacle of the climax, then initiating the resolution. The moments of conflict lasted throughout their numerous lives, doomed to be reincarnated and fated never to be together. It lasted longer than they realized, and they were punished to try again over and over until they met the satisfaction of the deity who tested them. He wanted to put them through a trial and only he decided when he was satisfied. It's ridiculous when you think about it. It calls to question a deity's benevolence. It's an interesting subject matter to me because I love writing about theological and supernatural matters based on pre-existing theory and extrapolating on it in my own way. However, I'd say this story represents more about the experience of post-living discovery and revelation of divine matters Elle knew nothing about, rather than introduce a problem that she had to overcome. She already overcame it. She lived a fulfilling life and died of old age. Even if it wasn't a life with her beloved, she was rewarded with an afterlife for a presumable eternity in his presence.

That's my sub-par rationale for it, anyway. Please feel free to rip it to pieces if you like, I've already given my reasoning and I won't change it now that I've submitted it.

Are you referring to the descriptions of the pipes? That's the only thing I can think of.



It didn't occur to me until you said it, but yeah, you're right.



Yes, Io the cow, one of Zeus' many fuckbirds.



I noticed two comma splices in the first paragraph when I was reading it.

Come to think of it, I don't even know why I inserted the first. I will remove it now, as it serves no purpose.

As for the splices, I am guilty of over-using the comma to simulate artistic diction within my sentence structure. Sometimes I think it's a weakness, other times I find it a unique tone.

Feel free to go more in-depth, however.

I realized that. The way the story is structured just isn't working for me.

Also, while looking through it again, this line popped out at me.



I could tell that she has some sense of deja vu, but for her to jump to the conclusion that she's been here multiple times requires a leap of logic that I'm not following. There weren't a whole lot of hints and Elle's reasoning behind her forming that question isn't clear.

To get a better understanding of how she made that connection, I'll list the hints I dropped that point to how she arrived at that realization, thus leading to the question.



So, basically, her third question was in response to his first statement. The logical line of asking it third after "Who are you?" and "Then this really is the afterlife, isn’t it?" is for her to establish the identity of the person/thing with whom she is speaking to, requesting the location of where she resides, then asking for clarification on its earlier mention of her repeated visits of which she has little memory of. So, she must ask the thing that does seem to have those memories.

I hope that clarifies it for you. I should probably drop clearer or more direct hints in the future.

Ah, I forgot about those. They do indeed make it less out of nowhere. I don't think it's that you need more hints or less obscure hints, it's that because Elle's question about being there multiple times comes several paragraphs after the hints. By then, my brain, being the scumbag that is, has dumped that stuff out and could use a bit of a refresher.

When Io says she always goes to check out the view, Elle's first question probably shouldn't be, "Who are you?" but something along the lines of "What the hell are you talking about?"

I understand. I think it was a matter of the hierarchy of all the important questions she needed to ask. I already listed my logical reasoning behind her actions, I think in regards to that it sort of becomes a philosophical and instinctual matter behind what is pressing at that point in time.

By the way, thanks for commenting your honest thoughts and opinions about this piece, I appreciate the critique you're giving it.

What others have said cover most of the problems. Plus, most of my questions were answered in your posts so I have little to complain about. Much like myself, I sometimes use an abundance of comas. In that regard, I completely understand why others would feel the need to point it out. Most problems in writing arise not from awful storytelling, but from an improper use of grammatical tools. I myself suffer from the same problems, limiting the quality of my work.

Now in regards with the story, I found the setting to be superb. To me personally, the more fantastical the setting, the more I enjoy it. I agree that it has a very strong Dwemer feel, but it also had a little bit of your own imagination implanted to it. The beauty of steampunk is its ability to cross the old and classical with the hopes and ideas of the future. The style is poetry in itself. You took it one step further and added a cosmic touch. Bridges that defy reality and cross into realms where one can practically touch the interstellar is a great draw to me.

All in all, it was quite well written. In fact, you could probably expand on it and make an entirely new and fresh story. I do have to agree that the sense of conflict is absent, but it did not deter the work too much as a whole. Also, I quite enjoyed the names since it reminded me of my own story and how I need to write more chapters. Haha, a strong part of me actually wants to submit a story for the contest, but I'm no good at romances so I'll leave it to the professionals.

What a load of malarkey. You write character interaction so well and believable, I know this is an outright lie. You would create something amazing. Maybe it might be harem-based like A Young Man's Summer, but more than two parties is allowed in this contest. You have 6+ days, I think†•no, I know you can do it.

Unless of course you believe you can't, whether you think you can or you can't, you're right, but you can't if you don't make the attempt, and I know you have the ability.

That pep talk aside, thank you for your review and your thoughts on the story. I appreciate them.

You're welcome. I was more than happy to review it. Your works always feel so otherworldly and that's the kind of writing I love. And as for the competition, there's no way I could do it! I write too damn slow!

The beginning reminded me of The Secret World with the whole cosmos thing. My first thought it was about someone dying (I guess the title gives it away too), then I was unsure, but then sure again.

But then with the steampunk elements I thought for a moment this could be something else. Like a mind download or transfer into another world.

What was I saying?

Well it sparked my imagination quite a bit. The steampunk elements were not entirely unexpected - I often see time and Chronos with steampunk elements - but not bad either.

The first and last sentence are probably the strongest in the story and the best I read for this contest (mind you, right now this is only the second story I read). The beeping is an incredibly strong and eerie start. The love at the end was incredibly fitting and gave me a moment of realization when the names dawned on me.

I found the opening premise incredibly strong, but sadly it deflated afterwards. The middle and end are really weak. There is, as others have pointed out, very little other than exposition.

It might just be that the story is too linear, or that you should have done less direct exposition through dialogue. It simply feels like someone is telling what happened on their way to work. It's all linear and not very exciting.

I found this to be a bit of a shame because I really want to find this amazing, purely for the strong first and last sentences and opening premise. I would not call it bad, just not very exciting. The entire resolution feels too easy.

Grammar had me scratch my head some times as some sentences were awkwardly constructed to me. Now I'm not sure, since nobody else mentioned it, if that's just me. I won't go into any details here, except for a few things that did stick out to me. If you want more, feel free to say so and I can write more about it here or in a PM, however you'd like.



To retain should be something like "to keep sth like it is", which would mean here skin was already of a youthful colour? Is it not supposed to change back into that colour?


Not to talk about structure too much, but in this case, the water flowing in a channel appeared through the gate, the moment her feet touched it? You probably mean she saw it then, but it did not just appear then, right?



You don't have to mention that nothing changes if nothing changes, that is redundant.



Repetition (out of place).



"had a voice not interrupted her." No?



"as she walked past."?

Thank you for reading and giving your time to provide your commentary on my entry, FGRaptor. It is appreciated. I mostly agree with the commentary you made, but I find myself satisfied with elements that others found disappointing or not to their tastes. For instance, I wrote the story to be linear and not too complex to respect the word limit and my tendency to enhance description. Merely my focus was based on the ambiance and sense of wonder. If this is only the second story you have read, then I assure you that you are in for a treat.

I will address your direct comments on the content, though.



Please, by all means go in-depth if you would like right here, I think giving everyone the opportunity to read the analysis will provide us all with more insight into proper writing.



Firstly, I don't understand what you mean by 'sth.' Is that short-hand for 'something' or an acronym?

That out of the way, I believe I imagined the word 'retain' to be a form of 'attain.' To that effect, I suppose the word 'regain' suffices, but I see the point you are raising in that 'retain' is probably used exclusively to things remaining a certain way despite an outside change. In that respect, I probably would change it.



You're right, that is what I intended. However, as the initial part of the story is almost exclusively her perspective, I think it might be as if it just appeared out of thin air to her senses as she is made aware of it. That is why I settled for that choice of words.



Hm, I disagree. I feel that may not be redundant by providing additional information to the reader. I know that may seem like an oxymoron, but it is natural to assume that as one transitions to a new location, that there might be new things to sense. If the décor stays constant despite a transition of proximity, I think it's worth mentioning to retain that image and reinforce the imagination that the reader has in their mind. Obviously, it should be done short and quick, which is why I did it in three words. I feel it becomes a problem if there are additional sentences already pointing out material that was already mentioned, which I tried to avoid.



Granted. It would require a re-write.



You're probably correct, but I'm not certain if it would be permitted as it is regardless.

[/quote]

I think Logophile could provide more insight here for the etymology, but I am fairly certain that 'pass' and 'passed' are reserved for motion and movement while 'past' is used for time.

When I got more time on my hands again, I will. I hope I don't forget.



I thought these abbreviations were common knowledge. Yes, "sth" is the abbreviation for something, "sb" for somebody and "so" for someone.



I guess this is a point that can be argued about. Personally I find this redundant because it doesn't add anything new. Unless there is new information that you couldn't read between the lines, I would not add new lines. If you don't say that the décor is unchanged, then the reader will assume that the décor doesn't change.
In a case where word count is so important and low, i.e. 2000 words, I would cut out all such parts.
But as you say this can come down to taste and style.



No, you are right. I think I had a brain failure there.

Well, thank you for finding the time to comment anyway, it's very appreciated and I do find myself learning more about my weaknesses because of it. For that I am thankful. Take your time in responding, this story isn't going anywhere.



Ah, see it might be common knowledge in a professional editorial and review setting, but I always have hated the use of unnecessary contractions. To me it's just like writing 'u' in place of 'you.' It's lazy, but can also be confusing. 'so' for instance can be read as 'significant other.' This is a personal opinion, but I think if I'm supposed to be trying to be a respectable writer, I should never use short-cuts for spelling. I might use well-known acronyms, but rarely.

You got a point there. I wouldn't use it in prose or poetry either, but for things like definitions etc., like I tried there, I like to use abbreviations when I can. It might also come down to how much you write a day... I guess I'm getting a bit tired of always spelling everything out.
I write my novel right now, which I enjoy, but I also have to write for work - which I mostly enjoy. But I have to write more factual things there too, and writing everything out can be tiring.
Still, your words ring true to me. I will aim to keep abbreviations out of here. Fostering proper writing should be more important.