A Destitute Night to Hunt-- One Shot
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So just to clear things up, this is a character I made for an up and coming RP, and I wanted to write a few lines beforehand to portray his character-- however, this soon ended up turning into a short story. I'm just looking for some feedback from those who decide to read it and take a piece of my ever-waning insanity and run with it, is all. No harm, no foul.
Spoiler:
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Xenon
FAKKU Writer
Aldoph? Did you mean Adolph? Aldoph isn't a name, unless that was intentional. The name Adolph or Adolf however has been a long established name in old German, Athalwolf, meaning noble wolf.
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Xenon wrote...
Aldoph? Did you mean Adolph? Aldoph isn't a name, unless that was intentional. The name Adolph or Adolf however has been a long established name in old German, Athalwolf, meaning noble wolf.The name Aldoph was intentional, yes. Only for the sole fact that I was iffy about making his name Adolph for some reason.
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Hey, I got around to reading it. It started out promising, but I don't like where you went with it. From what I gathered, it boils down to a German vampire with a list of people he wants to fuck and kill, and that kind of thing doesn't appeal to me.
The bold section was confusing. I initially read it as a series of paintings that were made by members of the family.
He caught her in the foyer, and now suddenly they're in her bedroom.
I would not describe the fangs that way. You make it sound as if getting bitten would be only mildly unpleasant.
There are some places where you use the wrong verb tense.
The mansion was compact with marble floors, staircases, artwork likely painted by hand of each member of the family by the most prestigious of artists and bathrooms that distributed clean, crystalline water-- the thing is, however, this time tonight, the house ran crimson with blood.
The bold section was confusing. I initially read it as a series of paintings that were made by members of the family.
He planted a firm hand across the woman's back, bending her across her bed, taking in the view of her ass in plain view.
He caught her in the foyer, and now suddenly they're in her bedroom.
Large, bone sharp fangs emerged from his gums, the type that would make a person cringe if bitten from
I would not describe the fangs that way. You make it sound as if getting bitten would be only mildly unpleasant.
There are some places where you use the wrong verb tense.
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d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Hey, I got around to reading it. It started out promising, but I don't like where you went with it. From what I gathered, it boils down to a German vampire with a list of people he wants to fuck and kill, and that kind of thing doesn't appeal to me. The mansion was compact with marble floors, staircases, artwork likely painted by hand of each member of the family by the most prestigious of artists and bathrooms that distributed clean, crystalline water-- the thing is, however, this time tonight, the house ran crimson with blood.
The bold section was confusing. I initially read it as a series of paintings that were made by members of the family.
He planted a firm hand across the woman's back, bending her across her bed, taking in the view of her ass in plain view.
He caught her in the foyer, and now suddenly they're in her bedroom.
Large, bone sharp fangs emerged from his gums, the type that would make a person cringe if bitten from
I would not describe the fangs that way. You make it sound as if getting bitten would be only mildly unpleasant.
There are some places where you use the wrong verb tense.
Arrgh, I was a afraid you would think Nier was a Vampire. Although I have said many times that he was a demon, I could see why someone could mistaken that despite the narratives. Secondly, I wanted to imply that he's a bounty hunter of some sort and he has some sort of sick obsession of doing those things to his targets-- since I had virtually no way of explaining that in narrative.
Bold section? I'll be completely honest, I am absolute shit at explaining...well, shit, so that's a my bad, there.
In terms of location, I was saying that she wanted to run as fast as she could as soon as she would reach the foyer. I never meant to imply in any way that she was literally inside the foyer. Just still in the bedroom.
About the teeth; all that needs to be said is that I have a problem with under exaggerating things less than I intended to the point that shit is really...underwhelming.
Lastly, I dunno, I still have issues with writing tenses. I'm still trying to fix that issue.
But anywho, thanks for reading. I'm no pro at writing at all-- nor do I get much feedback from peeps, so I'm real grateful for that.
Fucking and killing though? 3edgy5me
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Ezlare wrote...
Arrgh, I was a afraid you would think Nier was a Vampire. Although I have said many times that he was a demon, I could see why someone could mistaken that despite the narratives. Secondly, I wanted to imply that he's a bounty hunter of some sort and he has some sort of sick obsession of doing those things to his targets-- since I had virtually no way of explaining that in narrative.If this guy's a bounty hunter and you want to show that, the first thing that comes to mind is you could add prices to his list of people.
Bold section? I'll be completely honest, I am absolute shit at explaining...well, shit, so that's a my bad, there.
In that case, keep at it.
Lastly, I dunno, I still have issues with writing tenses. I'm still trying to fix that issue.
I still make mistakes, but I usually catch them before I post. I don't know what your native language is, but for me as a native English speaker, it usually sticks out like a sore thumb when the wrong tense is used. I think it's just one of those things where you'll get better at with time and practice.
But anywho, thanks for reading. I'm no pro at writing at all-- nor do I get much feedback from peeps, so I'm real grateful for that.
Don't mention it. Don't take this the wrong way, but don't make excuses for yourself. So what if you're not pro? If you enjoy writing then stick with it.
Fucking and killing though? 3edgy5me
So were you going for something like that, or is it just the way things turned out?