A very short story *Edited*

This is NOT an erotica piece.
I submitted it for a contest. I didn't win anything but the challenge was very fun on its own. The only rule was that the story had to be exact 100 words long.


Edit: Following the suggestions I received, a few changes have been made, which version do you prefer?

[spoil]Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been married for eleven years.
“Tough day?” Mrs. Smith asked.
“I’m good. You?” Mr. Smith typed.
“I miss you,” she said softly.
“I’ll see you on Sunday, right?” He waited for a reply.
“After church, but I’ve got to go now.”
“Can’t wait. See you soon.”
Mrs. Smith hung up the phone. Mr. Smith signed off MSN. He went downstairs to watch football. She went upstairs for a shower. Passing each other, they nodded at each other politely as they passed.
“Important call?” He asked.
“Nothing special.” She answered.
The doors clicked shut behind them.

What a short little dose of win.

hmm agreed =w= nice way of words. u should have won something from that contest :U

What he said!

I think its verry romantic and kind of confusing (and that is good).
The need to quote is not gona win today

On the contrary, it's the opposite of romantic because I believe they're cheating on one another. I find the subtle implications of that win-fully delicious. This is indeed incredibly amazing for 100 words.

Thats why i added confusing you could read it in to ways because after they exited the msm and the phone call "they" nodded not she or he.This is the confusing part(meh its just me then).
Optimistic that they were chatting and they met
Pessimistic your point

I really like it. If you didn't win anything in that contest, I want to see what did, because it has to be nigh on perfect.

I liked it. It was short, but still very confusing, though not in the "this doesn't make any sense" way, but more in the "what did the author mean by that" kind of way.

After reading it, I had to reread it again (which is good for a short short story) and then have a little mental discussion on whether the piece was romantic, anti-romantic, or just plain lonely.

And I have to say I find it quite refreshing for such a short piece of work to be that thought-provoking really.

If I have to point out something that I personally didn't like though, it would have to be the "sighing stairs". Although I understand where you want to go with this, but I feel for a work this short, and with the other parts of the text being of a distinct style, that the use of these two words (and the literary features contained within them) seems a little artificial and out of place, forced even.

(and Im getting the vague feeling that "Mr. and Mrs. Smith were married for eleven years" should be written "Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been married for eleven years", but Im probably wrong - feel free to correct me.)

Thanks everyone :)
The contest was held by the British Readers' Digest, so there were some really good pieces. I'm just happy that I had submitted it. I think a story that is slightly confusing is always more fun, and most good pieces of work makes you think a bit. The versions I've posted are the edited versions. My original one was very straight forward and obvious, so a lot less fun.

Mouse, ;)
You pointed out the two parts I didn't like myself, and yes that was a grammatical mistake XD
Word count is so annoying!

Quite clever.

I think it could be improved it you changed "typed." It gives away too much of the surprise ending. I think the more jarring and later placed the reveal, the more effective the story is.

What? so the neg-repping has started once again?

What's your issue?

You didn't have to bump this to deal with negreps, a simple PM to friends would have helped you.

It was an interesting read. +Rep

lol Good read, shocked you didn't win.