“I’m sorry Kenta!” Miho cried as she clung to Kenta. She held on to him so tightly, it was as if he was her lifeline.
Of course, that’s all I am to this girl. I’m just a tool. Miho continued to cry, as she continued to beg for Kenta’s forgiveness. “Kenta, I’m sorry for treating you the way that I did. I didn’t know how much that would hurt a person. But I know now how much it hurts.” She said as she looked up at the boy she held on to. Kenta for his part said nothing. His head lowered, his bangs covering his eyes from the world. Sniffling, Miho hugged him even tighter. “Ne, Kenta. I… don’t want to feel this pain anymore. And I don’t want you to feel it either!” Wiping away her tears, she tried her best to smile at him. “So then… I want to be with you. I want to stay with you Kenta! Please, I need you!” She cried, as her voice was free of lies, her eyes only holding honesty.
There was a long silence between the two. Rather, Kenta had said nothing the entire time and did not look at her. For what seemed like an eternity, Kenta remained like that. Then slowly, he lifted his head up, bangs moving away from his eyes. And for the first time since her tearful apology, Miho could see his eyes. But they were no longer the eyes of the Kenta she knew. His eyes were no longer the happy, warm eyes that she had grown accustomed to, the eyes that she had fallen in love with. Instead she found herself drowning. His eyes were empty, devoid of happiness. And though she knew he was now looking at her, it seemed as if he was looking through her with a thousand yard stare.
One would think that he would be angry, or even sad, but he showed neither of these traits. Then she realized what it was. She had seen this look so many times when he was in class. It was boredom.
But what significance does that have with me? She thought. His response gave her the answer. “You don’t need me. You never did.” In that short response, Miho could feel her heart being crushed. “No! That’s not true! I love you Kenta, I really love you, and only you! Kenta I-” “Who are you trying to convince here? Don’t act like you’re a victim. You enjoy having sex, no matter who it is. All I am to you is a tool, an aid, a
doll. I'm just another tool for you to use, and when you're done with me, you'll just discard me, like you always do.” Kenta after having redressed turned around and walked out of the restroom, leaving a crying Miho behind him. “Kenta, please don’t leave me! Don’t go! Please forgive me!” she cried, as she tried to reach out to him. But he was already out the door. He turned his head slightly and said something inaudible, but to Miho, it was as clear as day
-You’re Disgusting-
Miho woke up several hours later in the comfort of her bed. She was unsure whether or not what she had remembered actually happened. “Was this just a dream? I don’t remember anything that happened after that.” She paused in her train of thought as she looked up at her alarm clock. It read three in the morning, April 7. It was the day that her dream was supposed to happen. “Does this mean that, I can change what’s happened? Does that dream even actually happen? Whatever the case, I know what I have to do now. Kenta, I’m sorry for doing this to you, so today I’ll make everything right!” she told herself confidently. But something felt off to her, she could hear someone saying something to her.
-Do you really think he’ll forgive you?-
Miho hurriedly ran down the stairs of her home as she grabbed her school work and headed for the door. “Miho!” her mother called out, “Aren’t you going to eat breakfast?” With umbrella in hand, Miho stopped half-way out the door. “Sorry mom! I really have to get to school right now!” And with that Miho ran as fast as her legs could carry her.
Wait Kenta. Wait for me; I’ll make sure that you’ll be happy! “Kids these days, they’re always in a rush.” Miho’s mother sighed. She had then noticed that her daughter had forgotten her lunch.
Oh dear, now how am I going to get this to that impatient girl? As luck would have it the door bell rang.
She looked all over the high school, but found no trance of the boy that currently preoccupied her mind.
Why did I rush to school? It’s another 20 minutes before Kenta even gets here anyway. Am I really this worried? Of course you are. Especially with what happened last time.To say Miho was shocked would have been an understatement. That thought was clearly not her own.
But I am you Miho. Perhaps not in this instance, I would even go as far as to say that I am not the real Miho. You are still the real one. But I am part of you, just as much as you are the real Miho. What do you want?! It’s not so much the matter of what I want; it’s more of what you want, and why that’s a problem. What does it matter to you if I love Kenta! If we’re the same, then you should also be in love with him! Yes, it’s true that I love Kenta. Then why are you bothering me! That is because you’ll fail. Miho no longer heard anything from the voice in her head, having now had her ears assaulted by the bell signalling home room.
The whole day went by, as if nothing was out of pace. Whenever Miho tried to look at Kenta, she felt an over whelming guilt. She felt even worse when they made eye contact, as he’d smile at her. She questioned herself as to why she’d ever do something bad to someone who did nothing but help her and show her kindness. As the lunch bell rung, Miho snapped out of her thoughts and remembered that she left her lunch at home. “Damn it” she cursed. She felt someone tap her shoulder to get her attention. She was not in the mood to be bothered. “WHAT?!” she yelled at the person. Unfortunately, the person who tapped her shoulder was the same person she had been thinking about all day. Miho mentally slapped herself having realized how she’d reacted. Kenta was backing away from her. She could visibly see him shrinking away from her. This was not how she wanted to start her conversation with. “M-Miho… I just wanted to give you this. Your mom said you forgot it this morning… I’m sorry I bothered you.” He said, as the initial shock still hadn’t left his eyes. “No, no I’m not mad Kenta! I’m just… a little stressed out to day.” She said trying her best to smile. “Oh, well that’s good.” He smiled back at her. “I should go. My friends are waiting for me.” He said as he turned to leave.
He’s turning away and is going to leave you. Just like what happened last time huh? “Kenta! Wait!” she reached out to him, but this time she was able to grasp his arm. Kenta paused, unsure of what Miho wanted. For some reason, a dreadful presence in him was urging him to get away from the girl. He looked down at the floor.
It’s about that. Isn’t it Miho? I wish I could just tell you. I want to tell you that I- no, I can’t, she’d never love a doll anyways. But as long as she wants to use me, then I’ll help her. That’s even if she’ll never accept me. “Kenta, could we please eat together today? There’s something I really need to talk to you about.” Miho said in a hushed tone. A part of Kenta was elated, but for the most part, he felt only anxiety. “Yeah, sure then, let’s get going before we run out of time for lunch” both smiled as Miho lead him to one of the unused class rooms.
There was silence between the two as they ate, neither saying anything, but while Kenta avoided eye contact, Miho was trying her best to get him to face her. “Ne Kenta, are you…. Are you happy?” to this, Kenta didn’t respond, only lowering his gaze further. Despite the lack of a response, Miho continued on. “Are you happy with me? With us? I mean us being friends?” at this Kenta finally looked toward Miho.
I was right then huh? I knew that she didn’t feel that way. But being with her hurts too much. I can’t keep having those sex sessions anymore. Every time I do, all I can think of is how much I truly love Miho. I thought that maybe, maybe because she’s doing it with me, that it meant that she loved me as well. But that’s not the case. “Miho… if this is about our sex sessions…” Miho looked down, guilt ridden. “That’s also what I wanted to talk to you about. I don’t think we should keep doing them. I know that I’m only hurting you in the end.”
Wait, does this mean Miho does feel something for me? “We shouldn’t Kenta, because I… because I really… friends shouldn't be doing that sort of thing.” And with that, Kenta looked down at the floor for a moment before facing Miho once more with a smile on his face. “Yeah, I agree with you. Thank you for telling me how you really feel, Miho.” Miho smiled back at him as they finished their meals and headed back to class.
-This time, I’ll be kinder and show you how much I really do love you, Kenta-
-I see. I guess I’m happy, I don’t need to hold onto that false hope anymore. Thank you Miho, for staying my friend. That’s more than I could ask for-
Over the course of the final months, Miho was generally kinder to him. She didn’t ignore him like she had before, and she’d always try to find him during their free time, to start conversations about this and that. Kenta, for his part, was happy that, he had someone he could speak to at any time, someone who didn’t judge what he had to say harshly. In those final months of high school, he felt his heart more alive than it had ever been. But the same could not be said for Miho. Despite her actions and kindness toward Kenta, he made no attempt to take their relationship further. And despite her wishes, neither could she. She learned too late that the day she had reconciled her feelings with Kenta, was ultimately the day that she also lost him.
”Hey Kenta, is there anything you want me to help you with? I’m done all my exams so I figured I could help you study like when you helped me study for the calculus exam.” Kenta smiled at her as they were walking to the gate. “You know that wasn’t that a big deal for me. I’m glad I was able to help you. And besides, my calculus exam is tomorrow, so I’ll be fine.” Miho couldn’t help but laugh a bit at his response “Yeah, yeah Mr. human-calculator. Whatever, well even if you don’t need help, why don’t we do something today!” they stopped at the gate as Kenta scolded her. “Hey just because I know what I’m doing, doesn’t mean I should screw around the day before. Besides, after tomorrow, I don’t have anymore exams. Then we can do something fun. And also, I already promised someone that I’d help them study.” On cue, Miho could see the figure of a girl that was running toward the two. “Kenta-kun! I’m sorry I’m late!” “Ah! Izayoi-san, don’t worry I just got here now!” The girl
(From page 20) smiled at Kenta, a faint blush appearing on her cheeks as she spoke to Kenta, “Please call me Aki, Kenta-kun!” the girl complained, getting even more flustered. Miho, noticed how close the two seemed to be, but thought nothing of it.
It’s not like he’s dating her or anything right? “Oh yeah, where are my manners, Aki this is my friend Miho.” Aki turned to Miho with a smile and bowed. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Miho-san.” “And this is Aki, Miho.” “Mou, aren’t you going to introduce me properly! Stop with the formal stuff, will you?” Aki said feigning anger. Kenta couldn’t help but chuckle at her childish out burst. “Alright, alright. Miho, this is Aki, she’s my girlfriend.”
Miho was shocked beyond belief.
She’s his girlfriend? When, when did this happen? I thought that Kenta liked me. I’ve been nice to him, and I’ve been trying to get closer to him over these past few months, so why didn’t he mention her? He did. That day a few months back, when you visited him. You two stayed up really late talking. He told you that he liked some one, and that he was happy that he knew that she liked him back as well. Of course when he turned to look at you, you were already sound asleep. Neither he nor his parents wanted to wake you up, so they let you sleep in his bed while he went to sleep on the couch. It’s pretty funny if you ask me.
“Ne Miho-san, are you okay? You look a little sick?” Aki asked noticing Miho sudden change in demeanour. “I’m fine, really” Miho said as she forced herself not to cry. “I just forgot that my mom wants me to get home to help her with something!” she said as she turned to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow Miho.” She stopped to turn around to face Kenta. “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” She left, leaving behind the man she loved, tears streaming down her face.
-EPILOGUE-
Miho, where did you go? It’s been years since I’ve talked to you. After high school you never called me back. And then when I visited your mom, she said that you had moved out and went off to university. But no matter where I went, I couldn’t find you. I hope one day, I’ll be able to see you again.
Kenta closed his note book as he finished the entry. At that point, a laughing five year old had already tackled his leg and preceded to hang on to him. “Daddy!” the little girl cried “Mommy’s making me eat vegetables! I don’t wanna!” Kenta smiled at his daughter and set her back down on the floor. “You know that they’re good for you, and you also know that when your mother wants either †˜of us to do anything, she gets her way.” “And what’s that supposed to mean dear?” a bemused woman said as she walked into the room. “Aki, maybe I should try getting her to eat” Aki had to scoff at this. “Yes, like the last time, you know, the time when you ended up buying her ice cream instead?” “Hey now, that’s just because she’s learned from the best” Kenta retorted “Seriously Aki, your daughter inherited not only your will, but your manipulative puppy dog act.” Aki had to smile at that. “Well it’s your fault for always falling for it, right Miho-chan?” she said. The little girl laughed along with her mother. “Daddy’s too nice!” “And that’s why I love you dear.” Aki said as she placed a soft kiss on Kenta’s cheek. Kenta sighed, but still continued to smile. “You two really are something. But…I wouldn’t trade you for anything.” He smiled as he hugged his wife and daughter.
