Another Poem from GD
0
Descent into Madness
Words
Circle my head
Voices
Speak in my mind
Maddening
THoughts in my head
A gun
Goes off
Blood everywhere
Bullets in my gut
Morphine in my system
He got away
He deserves justice
They need revenge
They were just children
As they try to save my life
As they try to keep me going
My last words for this world are
What I wouldn't give for more time.
0
Zeph=3 wrote...
This is quite nice.Thank you =] And If you've read my Dragon Heir Story could you respond to that if not could you please read it? You don't have to but you're more than welcome to read it =]
0
My criticism(Poem format):
Theme/Opinion/Resounding Moral:
I thoroughly believe that each of anything needs a theme. As such, there is no resounding theme to this poem. There is a purpose in every tale, every line should be meaningful. However, this seems less of a work of art, and more of a chronology told in a delusional man's speech. Bluntly stated, it possesses no theme.
Words are Meaningful/Choice of Words:
First, let's examine the title, shall we? "Descent into Madness" brings us to believe that we are dealing with the ramblings of an insane man. However, in the poem, you have not specified that he is insane. You have implied it, but with this implication, you are assuming that this man is insane. For what, may I ask? He seems completely rational to me. The "voices/speak[ing] in [his] head" aren't enough, as these may actually be voices, or he may be hallucinating. The former criticism is backed by your later "As they try to save my life", implying the children. Unless, of course, these children are serving in his mind to serve his morale or cause? Then, who fired the gun? Did he commit suicide? That seems unlikely, because you later state he wants revenge. Was he killed by the murderer? Unlikely, as you state he has "morphine in his system"; if this was meant to be a metaphor, it is a poor choice of words to express what you want.
As this poem lacks a theme, I can't tie in word-choice to a theme.
Rhythmic structure;
ALL poems must have a beat. You started off nicely. The format for the first two lines went 4-syl, 1-word, 4-syl, 1-word. Alternating rhythm is a powerful tool for a poet. However, you digress into a mess passing the fourth line of prose (yes, I would call this prose). It is somewhat remedied by the two lines beginning with "They" and the two lines beginning with "As", but even this cross-sentence alliteration doesn't serve any purpose other than to pose as a pseudo-beat.
As this lacks a theme, I can't tie in rhythmic structure to it.
Overall:
This sounds less depressing or impactful (MUCH less) than you probably intended. That's probably because it lacks a theme, it lacks coherency. Being confusing does not make anyone a good writer. Writing about death and attempting a last-minute "million dollar line" but failing makes it seem more like you're trying to don the guise of being a "good writer", but fail.
Theme/Opinion/Resounding Moral:
I thoroughly believe that each of anything needs a theme. As such, there is no resounding theme to this poem. There is a purpose in every tale, every line should be meaningful. However, this seems less of a work of art, and more of a chronology told in a delusional man's speech. Bluntly stated, it possesses no theme.
Words are Meaningful/Choice of Words:
First, let's examine the title, shall we? "Descent into Madness" brings us to believe that we are dealing with the ramblings of an insane man. However, in the poem, you have not specified that he is insane. You have implied it, but with this implication, you are assuming that this man is insane. For what, may I ask? He seems completely rational to me. The "voices/speak[ing] in [his] head" aren't enough, as these may actually be voices, or he may be hallucinating. The former criticism is backed by your later "As they try to save my life", implying the children. Unless, of course, these children are serving in his mind to serve his morale or cause? Then, who fired the gun? Did he commit suicide? That seems unlikely, because you later state he wants revenge. Was he killed by the murderer? Unlikely, as you state he has "morphine in his system"; if this was meant to be a metaphor, it is a poor choice of words to express what you want.
As this poem lacks a theme, I can't tie in word-choice to a theme.
Rhythmic structure;
ALL poems must have a beat. You started off nicely. The format for the first two lines went 4-syl, 1-word, 4-syl, 1-word. Alternating rhythm is a powerful tool for a poet. However, you digress into a mess passing the fourth line of prose (yes, I would call this prose). It is somewhat remedied by the two lines beginning with "They" and the two lines beginning with "As", but even this cross-sentence alliteration doesn't serve any purpose other than to pose as a pseudo-beat.
As this lacks a theme, I can't tie in rhythmic structure to it.
Overall:
This sounds less depressing or impactful (MUCH less) than you probably intended. That's probably because it lacks a theme, it lacks coherency. Being confusing does not make anyone a good writer. Writing about death and attempting a last-minute "million dollar line" but failing makes it seem more like you're trying to don the guise of being a "good writer", but fail.
0
Catcher wrote...
My criticism(Poem format):Theme/Opinion/Resounding Moral:
I thoroughly believe that each of anything needs a theme. As such, there is no resounding theme to this poem. There is a purpose in every tale, every line should be meaningful. However, this seems less of a work of art, and more of a chronology told in a delusional man's speech. Bluntly stated, it possesses no theme.
Words are Meaningful/Choice of Words:
First, let's examine the title, shall we? "Descent into Madness" brings us to believe that we are dealing with the ramblings of an insane man. However, in the poem, you have not specified that he is insane. You have implied it, but with this implication, you are assuming that this man is insane. For what, may I ask? He seems completely rational to me. The "voices/speak[ing] in [his] head" aren't enough, as these may actually be voices, or he may be hallucinating. The former criticism is backed by your later "As they try to save my life", implying the children. Unless, of course, these children are serving in his mind to serve his morale or cause? Then, who fired the gun? Did he commit suicide? That seems unlikely, because you later state he wants revenge. Was he killed by the murderer? Unlikely, as you state he has "morphine in his system"; if this was meant to be a metaphor, it is a poor choice of words to express what you want.
As this poem lacks a theme, I can't tie in word-choice to a theme.
Rhythmic structure;
ALL poems must have a beat. You started off nicely. The format for the first two lines went 4-syl, 1-word, 4-syl, 1-word. Alternating rhythm is a powerful tool for a poet. However, you digress into a mess passing the fourth line of prose (yes, I would call this prose). It is somewhat remedied by the two lines beginning with "They" and the two lines beginning with "As", but even this cross-sentence alliteration doesn't serve any purpose other than to pose as a pseudo-beat.
As this lacks a theme, I can't tie in rhythmic structure to it.
Overall:
This sounds less depressing or impactful (MUCH less) than you probably intended. That's probably because it lacks a theme, it lacks coherency. Being confusing does not make anyone a good writer. Writing about death and attempting a last-minute "million dollar line" but failing makes it seem more like you're trying to don the guise of being a "good writer", but fail.
I'm not saying that I'm a good writer. I just write whatever comes to mind wether its good or bad. Thanks for the long ass dissection though I don't think that was needed. You could have just tell me what I did wrong and just put a simple paragraph to show that it needed work. But anyway thanks for the criticism I prefer criticism over compliments anyday =]
0
TehMikuruSlave wrote...
Gay. Gay again because of intelligence requirement.Good for you sir. =] Now theres the door I suggest you leave =]
0
GracefulDiscension. wrote...
TehMikuruSlave wrote...
Gay. Gay again because of intelligence requirement.Good for you sir. =] Now theres the door I suggest you leave =]
I'm sorry, you whining pile of angst, but if you did not want criticism you should not have posted. I, in fact, suggest that you use that door, enter your closet as per normal, pop in your favourite linkin park mixtape, and slowly go to work on your arms. Typical Thursday for you, yeah?
For an example of REAL SUPER EDGY DARK POETRY, try some of these:
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=730268#730268
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=730251#730251
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=660776#660776
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=627103#627103
0
TehMikuruSlave wrote...
GracefulDiscension. wrote...
TehMikuruSlave wrote...
Gay. Gay again because of intelligence requirement.Good for you sir. =] Now theres the door I suggest you leave =]
I'm sorry, you whining pile of angst, but if you did not want criticism you should not have posted. I, in fact, suggest that you use that door, enter your closet as per normal, pop in your favourite linkin park mixtape, and slowly go to work on your arms. Typical Thursday for you, yeah?
For an example of REAL SUPER EDGY DARK POETRY, try some of these:
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=730268#730268
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=730251#730251
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=660776#660776
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=627103#627103
Criticism? You call that criticism? Calling something gay is an insult not criticism. Criticism is telling me what to improve on. Also I don't whine I just suggested that you leave that's all. Stay if you want.
0
You guys should stop trollin'.
It's decent, but at times kinda falls flat-footed.
How much time did you spend on this?
It's decent, but at times kinda falls flat-footed.
How much time did you spend on this?
0
Quadratic wrote...
You guys should stop trollin'.It's decent, but at times kinda falls flat-footed.
How much time did you spend on this?
5 minutes =]
0
Not sure why GD but when I read your poem, I could hear a song that would relate to your poem. Pretty good, dark and sullen, but good nonetheless.
0
lelouch20 wrote...
Not sure why GD but when I read your poem, I could hear a song that would relate to your poem. Pretty good, dark and sullen, but good nonetheless.Yay! A compliment lol. Yeah Dark was what I was aiming for. And as for the song that can relate care to tell me I wanna listen =] Dont worry I'm not emo. I'm actually a pretty mello person =].
Edit NICE AVATAR its pretty kick ass and me likey =]
