Yanker wrote...
Chapter 2: The Darkness Within
The world was a frothing, writhing, endless mass of black turmoil. The boy didn't know where he was, or even
who he was. He couldn't tell if he couldn't see anything, or that there was simply nothing to see. However, he could hear.
There were screams, of a man and woman somewhere in the darkness. They sounded older than him and somewhat familiar, and brought a certain sensation of despair to his heart. Whatever had happened, he'd done something truly terrible to them. He just didn't know what.
"Shuusa."
It was a feminine voice, the voice of what sounded like a young girl. Who was she?
"Shuusa."
It was like a beacon in the darkness, something for him to latch onto to fight back the incoming shadows. The voice drove away the screams, the dread, the apprehension. The voice seemed familiar to him, moreso than the screams.
Who did that voice belong to?
"Shuusa..."
***
It was to this voice in his mind that Shuusa woke to, by the remains of a deceased campfire surrounded by the ever watchful, ever green trees.
Now conscious, he immediately knew whose screams those had been:
his parents'.
But why could he not remember the third voice, the voice of the one who'd saved him from the darkness?
"How was your rest?" a voice behind him rasped.
Shuusa almost jumped in surprise. In his daze, he'd almost completely forgotten that he had been travelling with a companion. Of course - that man, 'Kanst', the one with the diabolical voice who could cause an entire village to go mad with a single command - he had spared him, and taken him in.
"It was... not pleasant," Shuusa replied.
"I coud tell. You were crying out, saying 'I'm sorry' over and over again..."
Had he? He couldn't remember.
"My parents," Shuusa muttered. "I... I heard them in my dream."
"And?"
"They were... suffering. They were in pain. Kanst... I think I'm the one who caused them that pain."
Shuusa looked down, feeling a wave of torment wash over him. What had he done? They were never coming back. His parents, who had birthed him, who shared his blood. He had killed them with his own two hands. He couldn't remember the details very clearly - it was almost as if a demon had taken over him. As if he had been watching his own body from another realm perform the gruesome act.
"My boy... you've done nothing wrong." Kanst rested a gnarled hand upon Shuusa's silver locks. "In fact, I'm proud of you. I'm sure you had a reason for killing them - and the fact that they died to you means they're weaker. You are strong, Shuusa."
You will be a perfect tool for me, Kanst thought to himself. Of course, he didn't say that out loud.
"Where are we going?" the boy decided to ask. "Why did you unleash your wrath upon my town? I still know absolutely nothing of you..."
"All in due time," Kanst smirked. "For now, if you want to live, you will accompany me. Not that you have anywhere to go home to. To answer your question, we are heading to a place not far from here - the ruins of an ancient castle. There is something I seek there, and who knows - perhaps you will find the answers to your own questions."
Kanst stood up and stretched his thing frame. "Now what say we head off?"
To quote Shuusa: 'I still know absolutely nothing"
I don't really have much to work with. Leonard's prologue and Masayoshi's don't really seem to click, and I actually don't know how Shuusa killed his parents, why, what sort of people his parents were, what Kanst's purpose is, what role his SPOILERSPOILERSPOILER sister SPOILERSPOILERSPOIER has in everything, etc. I think trying to have a skeleton outline in a collab thing isn't really going to work, since every writer has a different version of events to tell in their mind.
With that said, I gave it a shot (not really my best, mainly because I was trying to keep it as open and vague as possible for whoever's after me.
Ah, I should have told you this - I didn't end up using Leonard's prologue - that's why they don't click. The prologue is in the post for chapter one.
The prologue that Leonard wrote is for the original plot to the story before its reboot - and that plot was scrapped because I lost track of the files.
As for the chapter itself, it's not bad, but a few things jumped the gun - Shuusa only suspects that Kanst might be involved with the chaos that happened in that town, he didn't witness it and isn't sure whether or not Kanst was involved directly or not yet.
Shuusa's initial relationship with Kanst is supposed to be one of him being misguided by someone who's currently helping him to survive.
Also, the details of Shuusa's parents' murder was left vague on purpose because nothing is supposed to be revealed about that incident until later, as it's part of a much larger scheme.
Jumping the gun aside, you still made the chapter engaging and interesting despite its short length.
...
Rant time, it's not of dire importance after this but you may want to read it anyway, it'll be both motivational, and help you understand my feelings about your writing (hint: they're very positive ^_^):
...
I wish you could have taken more time and set up a chance to introduce at least one protagonist, maybe your own character... I wanted to orchestrate a meeting between them and Shuusa later on, which would result in Shuusa being given a message from his sister after being defeated by (Insert your character's name here)...
Meanwhile, Kanst is securing the means to take over a major city without causing too many casualties and keeping its economy afloat (yes, this is chapter 10's plot, it's rough still because I'm simultaneously still fleshing out the plot for chapter 5 - though the base plots of both are finished)... He runs into some trouble when Yuurei's (Shuusa's sister's) group alerts the soldiers in the city about Kanst's arrival in advance...
So yeah, I am kind of counting on your character sometime between chapter 3 and chapter 9, because of how important they will end up being to the plot later... Elgaraf turned out to be the most interesting and complex character of Shadowblaze Chronicles, so I know you're good at making interesting characters, and character development looks to be one of your specialties...
As for other great character's you've written, Bran from blood princess was amazing on many levels - not just his abilities, but his personality, backstory, internal conflict, interactions, relationships, and everything. I mean, to get right down to it, Dracula's abilities were more broken than his, but Dracula was pretty much just an evil asshole, trying to sustain his immortality and gain unlimited power by sacrificing his own flesh and blood descendants.
It makes sense, and he's still a good villain, definitely the kind of Dracula that needed to be destroyed. But, by far, the most interesting character in Blood Princess - to me at least - was Bran... Alice was a close second, though. I'd put Judith or Leo in third place, it's a toss-up to me because they both seem very important, but at different times. Judith wins out slightly in my humble opinion, because she's
Barry was kind of interesting too, even though he was only a supporting cast. Shizuka was very pivotal in ensuring that Bran's plan could be executed and he could face-off with Dracula and rescue Judith.
The other characters who interacted with him, and those closest to him, Judith, and Alice, were so inseparably important to the plot (less so for Judith, but still) that I can scarcely forget their seemingly normal, but important interactions. Everything fit together like an intricately-designed puzzle, and even the smallest of things seemed to end up as foreshadowing.
Basically, Blood Princess was one of your best works, and though not 100% perfect, was leagues and miles ahead of a lot of the works I've read on these forums, and I've read some damn good stories here. It was entertaining, well-paced, clear and descriptive, interactive, emotionally investive, action-packed, and so many other qualities I could go on for days... It was a golden egg, and if you were to have it published, I'm still pretty confident it could become a best-seller. I would be sure to buy one of your first copies ^_^.
...
Regardless, I can't wait to see what character you'll be doing, this time, around, and I'm saddened I didn't get to see it in this chapter, but patience is a virtue and I'm sure it'll be more than worth the wait. Your help is a boon, and I'll do my best to make sure to fill you in properly next time you write, so that you're not in the dark on so many things.
P.S. Still catching up on Diex Aie. Read chapter 2 today, I'm still catching up though. Sorry I didn't do that much reading, I was in bed for most of the day with a fever. I took the day off work because I'm pretty sick. So far, my only feedback is - There are some minor spelling errors throughout, I'll make sure to point them out in suggesting mode later. My name is James Petruska, I've already made a couple suggestions but not any since the prologue or chapter one. (minor things, like a double space and something that sounded off to me, but that's just an opinion and should be taken with a grain of salt - I'm not too sure yet on their personalities, either, since it feels like in changes a bit in different dialogues, or I might just be confused)
...
Whew, sorry, that was a mouthful. I'm gonna go to sleep for now, need the rest to recover from whatever I'm sick with.