[Contest Entry 2011] A Crimson Christmas
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Hi, everyone. I've been lurking on Fakku for years, but I decided to go and make an actual account recently. So hello, my fellow pervs Fakku users!
... but you probably don't give a shit about that.
So here's the story. To be honest, I briefly entertained making this an NTR, and another idea that popped into my head was a yandere route of some sort. But those two plot bunnies never came into existence, and my sanity (and love for vanilla) won out while I was thinking about it in the shower (no I was not fapping.)
The story features a slightly tsundere, rich ojou-sama style Momoka (yes, the Momoka we all love and know - the one who enjoys trolling us during Fakku downtime!) the daughter of Jacob, in a world where Fakku has become this hugely successful corporation, enough to acquire rgoogle. Momoka runs away from her bodyguards in true spoilt ojou-sama fashion, and well, things happen - you should read to find out.
Anyhow here it is, in the spoiler:
†‹
Word Count: 1498, according to the built-in word count.
By the way, they aren't actually siblings. "Onii-san" can refer to an older male, not necessarily a brother. Just a quick FYI to clear up any misunderstandings.
†‹
I wish the best of luck to my fellow competitors/rivals, some of the pieces I've read have been pretty entertaining, and I'm appreciative of the hard work I can see some people have put into their pieces (although I still hope I win, of course :P)
And a happy new year to everyone, I hope you all get laid/rich/etc.!
I'd also wish for world peace, but I don't see that happening anytime soon...
... but you probably don't give a shit about that.
So here's the story. To be honest, I briefly entertained making this an NTR, and another idea that popped into my head was a yandere route of some sort. But those two plot bunnies never came into existence, and my sanity (and love for vanilla) won out while I was thinking about it in the shower (no I was not fapping.)
The story features a slightly tsundere, rich ojou-sama style Momoka (yes, the Momoka we all love and know - the one who enjoys trolling us during Fakku downtime!) the daughter of Jacob, in a world where Fakku has become this hugely successful corporation, enough to acquire rgoogle. Momoka runs away from her bodyguards in true spoilt ojou-sama fashion, and well, things happen - you should read to find out.
Anyhow here it is, in the spoiler:
†‹
Spoiler:
Word Count: 1498, according to the built-in word count.
By the way, they aren't actually siblings. "Onii-san" can refer to an older male, not necessarily a brother. Just a quick FYI to clear up any misunderstandings.
†‹
I wish the best of luck to my fellow competitors/rivals, some of the pieces I've read have been pretty entertaining, and I'm appreciative of the hard work I can see some people have put into their pieces (although I still hope I win, of course :P)
And a happy new year to everyone, I hope you all get laid/rich/etc.!
I'd also wish for world peace, but I don't see that happening anytime soon...
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This was very touching. Though I think I remember an event that happened like this in an anime once, but I can't remember. The story drew you in, and made you feel like you were... kind of watching it as it happened. If I recall correctly, as I type this, there were only like 1 or 2 grammar mistakes in the writing. But I give you my props. This was a really good story.
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Zandorf wrote...
This was very touching. Though I think I remember an event that happened like this in an anime once, but I can't remember. The story drew you in, and made you feel like you were... kind of watching it as it happened. If I recall correctly, as I type this, there were only like 1 or 2 grammar mistakes in the writing. But I give you my props. This was a really good story.Wait, where were the grammar mistakes? Just curious, I'd like to know.
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Kage vi Valliere wrote...
Zandorf wrote...
This was very touching. Though I think I remember an event that happened like this in an anime once, but I can't remember. The story drew you in, and made you feel like you were... kind of watching it as it happened. If I recall correctly, as I type this, there were only like 1 or 2 grammar mistakes in the writing. But I give you my props. This was a really good story.Wait, where were the grammar mistakes? Just curious, I'd like to know.
I think this was the only spot: "We gotta find her or we'll never get another job again!"
IIRC, I think there should be a comma before the "or". And now that I've re-read the story, I noticed some places where there were Capitalization errors, where you used lower case instead of upper case letters.
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xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
Kage vi Valliere wrote...
A man burst out from behind a tree, wearing a creepy, deranged grin as he waved some sort of pistol around - it was too dark to identify, but it looked like a Glock of some sort. This is probably my only problem with your story. You use a an omniscient 3rd narrator throughout the story, but here, the narrator seems a bit uncertain. As if this was part was seen through the eyes of the protagonist, which I find stange if it is since you didn't use the protagonist's perspective anywhere else.
I thought the story lacked a strong start up, but then I figured out that the first half was only letting you have a feel for the characters. When the protagonist gets shot, the story climaxes and your story comes together to form something very touching. It was a very good read!
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
This reminds me of my glorious entry last year. Good job.
Edit, posting my comments:
The story here flew quite properly but then, just at it's highest peak, it fell rock bottom when it hit the ending, it's comparable to Madoka where is blossoms up as if builds up and then fails at the end. I'm not a fan of *this* type of ending, and it didn't really deliver a huge impact to me either, the sad part at the end I mean (basically, not sad in a good way). What I really liked was how it was comical and resembled animes like Hayate no Gotoku; funny, a bit fast paced, though lacking character development and the rich ojou-sama thing somehow appeals me to and makes it interesting, the part of how the hero and the heroin comes close in time is a marvelous thing to watch, but you didn't do it right. That said, character development was bad and hence, does a damage to this piece. The "Oni-san" thing was quite surprisingly unexpected. And the word "grimace" was seriously overused here, not a good thing.
Edit, posting my comments:
The story here flew quite properly but then, just at it's highest peak, it fell rock bottom when it hit the ending, it's comparable to Madoka where is blossoms up as if builds up and then fails at the end. I'm not a fan of *this* type of ending, and it didn't really deliver a huge impact to me either, the sad part at the end I mean (basically, not sad in a good way). What I really liked was how it was comical and resembled animes like Hayate no Gotoku; funny, a bit fast paced, though lacking character development and the rich ojou-sama thing somehow appeals me to and makes it interesting, the part of how the hero and the heroin comes close in time is a marvelous thing to watch, but you didn't do it right. That said, character development was bad and hence, does a damage to this piece. The "Oni-san" thing was quite surprisingly unexpected. And the word "grimace" was seriously overused here, not a good thing.