[Contest Entry 2011] A Happy Christmas
1
As I sat at my computer, surfing the internet and finding the right site that could sell me a figurine for a reasonable price, I steadily grew irritated at what was bombarding me. Christmas ads. Christmas commercials. Christmas jingles.
“Ah, damn it all!” I shouted and slammed the side of my head into my keyboard.
I always hated this holiday. Ever since I was a kid I hated it. Believing that perhaps the reason I was never happy on Christmas was that I had too many hopes for such a holiday, I took off one of my many wishes for every year not one of them came true. By the end of highschool I had only one wish left: To have a happy Christmas with a lover. The day of my graduation I was forced to let go of even that meager wish.
Glancing up from my keyboard, I was surprised to find that my outburst had managed to link me to a site that had what I was looking for, and beneath it something far more unexpected. In big bold letters it read: ELECTRONIC MEMORIES.
After reading about the product that I, as many, had always made fun of, I once again turned my head up at the offer.
“Ridiculous…” I muttered with a scoff and began scrolling back up. “What kind of lonely asshole would spend money on getting a fake girl for Christmas?” I looked back as if to laugh with someone, only to find my cat Stoic staring back at me.
Like his name implied, he was, as always, staring at me with a stoic look on his face that stood somewhere been emotionless and aloof. After we shared an awkward moment of silence, he leapt off my bed and onto my computer table. I looked at him. He looked at me. Then, he looked at the screen. I glanced at my monitor to see I had unknowingly scrolled further down and was near the link to the Electronic Memories website. I glanced back to Stoic, who had been staring at me with a face I could almost construe as judgmental if he’d only show a damn emotion, and watched him leap off towards my open door.
“I’m not getting one!” I shouted after him as he left. “I’m not that lonely!”
The shipment had arrived sooner than expected, and as I began unlatching and opening up the crate in my living room, I noticed out of the corner of my eye my cat watching me accusingly. ...Well not really, but if he ever emoted I bet it would be accusatory. Ignoring my cat’s silent persecution, I lifted the cover and gawked at what I’d ordered.
The long legs, thick pink pigtails and enormous breasts made me do a double-take. She was exactly as I ordered: beautiful and sexy, cute and lewd. Her innocent face coupled with her admittedly demanding proportions froze me stiff. Naked except for the thin white sheet they’d draped around her, my pink haired, bright-eyed domestic android took my breath away.
“We here at Electronic Memories make it easy for you to bring the girl of your dreams to life.” I read aloud from the manual in-hand as I finished connecting the USB cable that came from a small panel in the back of her head to my computer. “It’s as simple as making chicken noodle soup! Just bring up a novel, manga, visual novel, or any text-related story telling medium on screen and allow the Memory Maker software to copy the personality traits of your target character onto your new love.”
I looked to my cat with a shrug. It seemed simple enough. It was then I noticed my cat staring again, but at my android. Beneath that stoic expression he seemed vaguely confused at the clothes I’d put her in. She was wearing a red T-shirt with the text “FAKKU!” across the chest.
“I would’ve given her more stuff, but that’s all I had.” I pointed to the shirt and chuckled. “With this on, doesn’t she kind of look like-?”
My cat began licking himself, blatantly ignoring me. I huffed and turned back to the manual. It seemed as though my bare-bottom beauty was only moments away from becoming my favorite character of all time. As I looked up from the manual my wide smile dropped. In my guilty excitement I’d forgotten to bring up the visual novel!
I immediately unplugged the USB, stopping the data transfer short and causing all kinds of errors to occur on screen. The USB was sucked back into the android as I realized in terror what the girl of my dreams had been learning from: FAKKU!’s forums, or more accurately, “Incoherent Babbling”.
I looked toward Stoic to share my horror, but he’d already run out of my bedroom door. I screamed out for him to wait, my feet frozen to the ground. As I slowly turned back to my android, I saw its big blue eyes staring back at me. She held a quaint smile towards me, almost like she was waiting for something. With quivering trepidation, I greeted, “Uh…H-hello?”
“Oniichaaan~!” She lunged from the chair beside my computer and onto me, causing me to fall back onto my bed. Her bare hips straddling my pajamas, she lifted herself up and showed me the cutest pout. “Why did you take so long?”
“F-for what?” I asked, internally guessing that she had taken her persona from an incest related thread and being thankful it wasn’t something else.
“For waking me up!” Her eyes narrowed and she poked my forehead a few times, her unhindered breasts weaving side-to-side as she did. “It’s Christmas Morning! You can’t let me sleep in!”
I laughed at her attitude, enjoying the playful contact more than I’d expected. “Alright, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
This seemed to be enough to get her to smile again. “So, where’s my present?”
“What?”
“…My present?” She repeated, this time a little less enthusiastically. She sat back, her ass planting itself firmly on my groin, and folded her arms as if she’d been hurt. “You…didn’t get me one?”
I felt inclined to pull a line from a hentai, but seeing her so upset offset the girth I would’ve gained from feeling such a well rounded rump against my pajamas. Instead, I looked around the room for something Christmas related to gift her with. Just then, Stoic walked back inside, likely to check if I was still alive, and I took this chance to get him back for abandoning me.
“I-I got you a kitten!” I pointed at Stoic, who shot me a vaguely surprised look. “So, uh, merry Christmas, Akemi-chan.”
“Kitten!” She suddenly screamed in joy, startling both me and Stoic. She jumped from my lap to the ground in front of him and perched herself like a gargoyle to stare at him with a wide smile. “You’re the best, Oniichan!”
I was just happy to see her happy. As she began asking for Stoic to roll-over, I started thinking that perhaps this was finally the day I’d get my wish to come true. Maybe, just maybe, I could have a happy Christmas with a beautiful girl, even if she did think I was her older brother. Maybe, I thought, I can finally-
“DO IT FAGGOT!” My android suddenly screamed at the top of her lungs. “FUCKING DO IT FAGGOT CAT!!”
Stoic, for the first time, showed emotion. Not in his face, but in the pile of fear he’d released. My android jumped up and let out a horrifically warped scream. Stoic and I exchanged glances and immediately bolted towards the stairs. I could hear her tearing up my room behind me, screaming about gore rape and some anime invasion. From the middle of the stairs I looked up to see her running out with a chunk of my wall in her hand.
“P-Please stop!” I cried.
“STOP FUCKING MY WAIFU!”
With that she threw the chuck of wall at me. I managed to doge it, but it was clear she was way too strong to fight off. I had to run. I had to get help. I ran towards the backdoor where Stoic was waiting for me, clawing furiously at the glass. I tripped at the rug, and just as Stoic was about to come for me, she came towards me.
She clutched her head and screamed, “MY COCK HUNGERS PANDA NEKO!!”
Stoic, after giving me a lick, lunged at her face. I called out his name as he valiantly clawed at our incoherent enemy. It was then I realized what could stop her cold. With a deep breath I shouted, “The mod’s shutting down this thread!”
Instantly she collapsed to the ground and Stoic leapt into my arms. We sat there for some time before calling Electronic Memories for a refund. Fuck androids and fuck wishes. As long as I’ve got hentai and a hand, I’ll have a happy Christmas.
“Ah, damn it all!” I shouted and slammed the side of my head into my keyboard.
I always hated this holiday. Ever since I was a kid I hated it. Believing that perhaps the reason I was never happy on Christmas was that I had too many hopes for such a holiday, I took off one of my many wishes for every year not one of them came true. By the end of highschool I had only one wish left: To have a happy Christmas with a lover. The day of my graduation I was forced to let go of even that meager wish.
Glancing up from my keyboard, I was surprised to find that my outburst had managed to link me to a site that had what I was looking for, and beneath it something far more unexpected. In big bold letters it read: ELECTRONIC MEMORIES.
After reading about the product that I, as many, had always made fun of, I once again turned my head up at the offer.
“Ridiculous…” I muttered with a scoff and began scrolling back up. “What kind of lonely asshole would spend money on getting a fake girl for Christmas?” I looked back as if to laugh with someone, only to find my cat Stoic staring back at me.
Like his name implied, he was, as always, staring at me with a stoic look on his face that stood somewhere been emotionless and aloof. After we shared an awkward moment of silence, he leapt off my bed and onto my computer table. I looked at him. He looked at me. Then, he looked at the screen. I glanced at my monitor to see I had unknowingly scrolled further down and was near the link to the Electronic Memories website. I glanced back to Stoic, who had been staring at me with a face I could almost construe as judgmental if he’d only show a damn emotion, and watched him leap off towards my open door.
“I’m not getting one!” I shouted after him as he left. “I’m not that lonely!”
The shipment had arrived sooner than expected, and as I began unlatching and opening up the crate in my living room, I noticed out of the corner of my eye my cat watching me accusingly. ...Well not really, but if he ever emoted I bet it would be accusatory. Ignoring my cat’s silent persecution, I lifted the cover and gawked at what I’d ordered.
The long legs, thick pink pigtails and enormous breasts made me do a double-take. She was exactly as I ordered: beautiful and sexy, cute and lewd. Her innocent face coupled with her admittedly demanding proportions froze me stiff. Naked except for the thin white sheet they’d draped around her, my pink haired, bright-eyed domestic android took my breath away.
“We here at Electronic Memories make it easy for you to bring the girl of your dreams to life.” I read aloud from the manual in-hand as I finished connecting the USB cable that came from a small panel in the back of her head to my computer. “It’s as simple as making chicken noodle soup! Just bring up a novel, manga, visual novel, or any text-related story telling medium on screen and allow the Memory Maker software to copy the personality traits of your target character onto your new love.”
I looked to my cat with a shrug. It seemed simple enough. It was then I noticed my cat staring again, but at my android. Beneath that stoic expression he seemed vaguely confused at the clothes I’d put her in. She was wearing a red T-shirt with the text “FAKKU!” across the chest.
“I would’ve given her more stuff, but that’s all I had.” I pointed to the shirt and chuckled. “With this on, doesn’t she kind of look like-?”
My cat began licking himself, blatantly ignoring me. I huffed and turned back to the manual. It seemed as though my bare-bottom beauty was only moments away from becoming my favorite character of all time. As I looked up from the manual my wide smile dropped. In my guilty excitement I’d forgotten to bring up the visual novel!
I immediately unplugged the USB, stopping the data transfer short and causing all kinds of errors to occur on screen. The USB was sucked back into the android as I realized in terror what the girl of my dreams had been learning from: FAKKU!’s forums, or more accurately, “Incoherent Babbling”.
I looked toward Stoic to share my horror, but he’d already run out of my bedroom door. I screamed out for him to wait, my feet frozen to the ground. As I slowly turned back to my android, I saw its big blue eyes staring back at me. She held a quaint smile towards me, almost like she was waiting for something. With quivering trepidation, I greeted, “Uh…H-hello?”
“Oniichaaan~!” She lunged from the chair beside my computer and onto me, causing me to fall back onto my bed. Her bare hips straddling my pajamas, she lifted herself up and showed me the cutest pout. “Why did you take so long?”
“F-for what?” I asked, internally guessing that she had taken her persona from an incest related thread and being thankful it wasn’t something else.
“For waking me up!” Her eyes narrowed and she poked my forehead a few times, her unhindered breasts weaving side-to-side as she did. “It’s Christmas Morning! You can’t let me sleep in!”
I laughed at her attitude, enjoying the playful contact more than I’d expected. “Alright, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
This seemed to be enough to get her to smile again. “So, where’s my present?”
“What?”
“…My present?” She repeated, this time a little less enthusiastically. She sat back, her ass planting itself firmly on my groin, and folded her arms as if she’d been hurt. “You…didn’t get me one?”
I felt inclined to pull a line from a hentai, but seeing her so upset offset the girth I would’ve gained from feeling such a well rounded rump against my pajamas. Instead, I looked around the room for something Christmas related to gift her with. Just then, Stoic walked back inside, likely to check if I was still alive, and I took this chance to get him back for abandoning me.
“I-I got you a kitten!” I pointed at Stoic, who shot me a vaguely surprised look. “So, uh, merry Christmas, Akemi-chan.”
“Kitten!” She suddenly screamed in joy, startling both me and Stoic. She jumped from my lap to the ground in front of him and perched herself like a gargoyle to stare at him with a wide smile. “You’re the best, Oniichan!”
I was just happy to see her happy. As she began asking for Stoic to roll-over, I started thinking that perhaps this was finally the day I’d get my wish to come true. Maybe, just maybe, I could have a happy Christmas with a beautiful girl, even if she did think I was her older brother. Maybe, I thought, I can finally-
“DO IT FAGGOT!” My android suddenly screamed at the top of her lungs. “FUCKING DO IT FAGGOT CAT!!”
Stoic, for the first time, showed emotion. Not in his face, but in the pile of fear he’d released. My android jumped up and let out a horrifically warped scream. Stoic and I exchanged glances and immediately bolted towards the stairs. I could hear her tearing up my room behind me, screaming about gore rape and some anime invasion. From the middle of the stairs I looked up to see her running out with a chunk of my wall in her hand.
“P-Please stop!” I cried.
“STOP FUCKING MY WAIFU!”
With that she threw the chuck of wall at me. I managed to doge it, but it was clear she was way too strong to fight off. I had to run. I had to get help. I ran towards the backdoor where Stoic was waiting for me, clawing furiously at the glass. I tripped at the rug, and just as Stoic was about to come for me, she came towards me.
She clutched her head and screamed, “MY COCK HUNGERS PANDA NEKO!!”
Stoic, after giving me a lick, lunged at her face. I called out his name as he valiantly clawed at our incoherent enemy. It was then I realized what could stop her cold. With a deep breath I shouted, “The mod’s shutting down this thread!”
Instantly she collapsed to the ground and Stoic leapt into my arms. We sat there for some time before calling Electronic Memories for a refund. Fuck androids and fuck wishes. As long as I’ve got hentai and a hand, I’ll have a happy Christmas.
0
This is my thought process as i read this short story:
Poor fella
CAT! :D
hmmm random-found electronic store... sounds legit
sweet robot Vanilla will ensue!
...incoherent babbling...
...
oh gods that can't end well
...
hey! it wasn't so ba-
OH GODS HER FONT IS RED AND ALLCAPS!!!! RUN!!!!
Poor fella
CAT! :D
hmmm random-found electronic store... sounds legit
sweet robot Vanilla will ensue!
...incoherent babbling...
...
oh gods that can't end well
...
hey! it wasn't so ba-
OH GODS HER FONT IS RED AND ALLCAPS!!!! RUN!!!!
0
Fucking androids!!! XD oh my gosh this has been the most funniest thing I've read and perhaps the most disastrously scary thing to happen in real life to a person (if it were real). That cat is a BAMF and I tip my hat to you Stoic :3
Now imagine if this was 4chan and we'd all be dead
Interesting read. Good luck man. Some spelling errors but all good!
Now imagine if this was 4chan and we'd all be dead
Interesting read. Good luck man. Some spelling errors but all good!
0
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
WHAT THE SHIT?! The moment you said that she was downloading content from IB, I got really scared for some reason. My goodness, that was a really realy good read, and a good change of pace from the rest of the entries. Good story, good flow, cat being a boss; yup, this is good stuff!