[Contest Entry 2011] Joy to the world.

Part one
The beginning.
We know that this time of year that Santa Claus and his magical coked up reindeers will fly over the world leaving presents to the good boys and girls. That a bunch of bullshit. Santa Claus is dead. This is the story of why?

Years ago, back when weebs roamed the earth before the great war between those who though moe was god and those who disagree (See page 423 on the battle of AX and the terrorist attack on the Miku concert). There was this site called Fakku where virgins and assholes roamed to troll and fap since they’re lives where crap. It was a cool place until the fucktards and desufags came, but back to the story.

Little to we knew there was a user who hate was sooo fucking great, his penis got three sizes smaller from the jizz spurting out of it. God he was a dick and his taste in pron was fucking disgusting. Blood, guts and girls with penis in their eye sockets…. EWWWWW. Little to we know another person with the same tastes in sick shit was lurking on the forums that day.

Funny you should ask, but a big elf was cruising the forum that day. Ol Saint Nick the nigga from the coke commercials. Who would know that the big man in red would like stuff covered in red? On this day he would get his stoke on… but alas an admin with hate in his heart banned a certain genre that Santa loved. This enrages the happy magical elf to no end, and starts something that would change the world to no ends.

Part two
The down fall of x-mas.

Clip from Fakku IRC:
Dec 23 2011
[10:13:29 AM] Jolly Red Cock: WUt… Tha fuck. You nigger. Y U DO THIs?
[10:13:34 AM] Largecupofcoffee: Because It’s was hilarious.
[10:13:42 AM | Edited 10:13:42 AM] Largecupofcoffee: But in the end, none gave a fuck.
[10:13:44 AM] Largecupofcoffee: v_v
[10:13:51 AM] Newtons cat: I wonder why..
[10:17:02 AM] Luvthemsockets: The pain, you will eat a dick in hell.
[10:17:20 AM] Newtons cat: I can't even find it X_X
[10:17:41 AM] Luvthemsockets: …. Oh well it not like I read it here anyways.
[10:17:59 AM] Largecupofcoffee: Lol. Come at me BRO
[10:18:10 AM] Largecupofcoffee: It’s not like you can do shit.
[10:18:47 AM} Jolly Red Cock: Oh Jacob Grady of 187 Charles St, Boston, Mass. Your Christmas will be red with the blood of my penis in your anus.
[10:19:47 AM] Waarkitty: I am going to report you.
[10:20:47 AM} Jolly Red Cock: Who are you?

Has you can see, Santa was angry like Nestor. (What the FUCK) Brewing something fierce in his jolly mind. Something overcame Santa. Something that was never told to the kiddies… Santa was an asshole. The stories lied, he wasn’t jolly. He like fucking the sleeping children and laying his sack on your sleeping faces. He would remove your spleen, shit on it, and then put it back… Ever wondered why you get an infection… It’s not your appendix.. It’s the turd floating in your body. He would fuck your mommy while daddy or uncle ted watched. That nigga was into NTR. Eat your cookies and upper deck your toilet.

Part three
The ride.

Little to the unknown narrator that a text would come from someone he didn’t know. The one we call Joe… well they called them that nigga who freaks people out. Joe read his text to see some dude named nick was SMS his ass. He wrote’ who the fuck are you’, which a reply was †˜The one who knows you. No I’m not getting you the bottom half of a woman. Get a fuck doll.’ Oh it was old saint guro himself. †˜What the fuck you want?’ “Jacob’s head on my cock, that what I want.” Santa texted. Joe was sick and weirdly hard to Santa answer. †˜So what do you need of me then?’ “A ride” Santa texted. †˜Why would the nigga who has flying reindeer need a ride from me’? “You know how much food and coke it takes to make reindeer fucking fly, especially Rudolph. Ever wonder why his nose was so red?” Santa texted. †˜I thought it was because he like clowns or something.’ “Nope coke” Santa texted. Joe thought to himself… maybe Jacob would give him some of his stash of coke and whore to play with.. Maybe he could fulfill his desires to fuck the whore’s empty eye sockets and craniums. Maybe Santa would let him fuck Mrs. Claus. Maybe this would be a fun time, and fuck why would I just go with the crazy man who breaks in to people’s homes and ever get the police on his ass… better than going to his parent’s house to listen to the bitching and whining of him, jobless and addicted to weeb shit. †˜Fine nigga. Corner of 43th and west ave.’ “on my way.”

You never think that Santa would be driving a 74’ Monte Carlo with deer attached to the grill, but hey you never thought Santa would come to you on a mission to kill someone too. †˜Ok.. You said you can’t afford to take the deer’s out since they cost a Wall St. Banker’s weight in coke.’ “I say a lot of stuff. I told your mom I pulled out.” Santa said. †˜Ah that why she gets happy when she seen a crack head in a red suit?’ “Who in the fuck are you babbling about?” Santa said. †˜It’s what; not who’. “Don’t fix my grammar bitch… just fucking drive” Santa bitched. †˜ Ok, how about the deer’. “Fuck them. They can survive on their own” Santa said. †˜WHERE IN THE CENTER OF THE GHETTO. They will get eaten by thousands of hungry mojado’s’. “I don’t see your point? Fuck it get in the ride.” Santa said.

Apparently their no DMV in the frosty white north. If you ever go to Canada, you know why there not: moose, snowmobiles and drunken yobs. So a fat jolly guro lover driving a classic car from LA to Boston and a dude in a Santa outfit is kind of weird. At least until we made to the Midwest… that just normal there. Listening to a magical being isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. It’s kind of like listening to a junkie Jesus. Sound like a fun time until he offers to suck your dick for a dollar.

Part 4
Oh my god they killed Jacob… I get his stash.

We made it to Boston in record time, because the old fuck never shuts the fuck up. No one needs to know that back in the old times raping a dead body was the norm or the Turks( apparently Santa is Turkish) allowed you to cut whores up if you promised not to rape her ass… Allah be damn if he didn’t just go for the whore’s ass every time. †˜So, do you know the fuck we’re going to?’ I asked. †˜Not really, but I know where to score coke and whores sooo he has to be there right?’ Santa said. †˜Ok… where is this magical place where we can find coke whores and find one man in a city of 3 million Irish drunks and party people at?’ †˜The pit at Harvard Square.’ Santa said. †˜ So we drove 2000 miles to Boston… and the one place you think he be is this place’.

So Jacob was snorting a fat line at the pit at Harvard Square. Whore draped over him like he was Hugh Heffner with a beard and no money, or sex appeal, or charisma, or a working car. Santa just eased back and pull his .45 and Fredo him… didn’t even give him a chance to take the tooter out of his nose or say a hail mary.

Poor Nick. They threw the book at him. Dumb dude didn’t see the Massachusetts state trooper get a hummer for a trannie. He got noose after his five year appeal. Jacob’s mom got Santa’s Peruvian beach house. Mrs. Claus left nick for that elf who wanted to be a dentist. I got Jacob’s stash and a hummer from that trannie for dropping the dime on nick, I didn’t own him anything. I went home and slept for three days.

Now the usual rhythms of these tales are full of wonder and dreams, but real life isn’t a nice place nor a happy ending. Sometimes a real story is all you need in a tale of narrativist wonder. Nick’s tale is the adventure between what power is and what freedom is. You never know if your decision will be a good one or some crazy fucker’s fuel for anger.
Also it a joke people. Don’t read too much into it.
1488 words… wait 1491… meh close enough.
THE END… UNTIL MY MEDS KICK IN.