[Contest Entry 2011] Resolve and Rebirth

In a room where the winter cold has made it's home, the only warmth that was given off radiated from a single, brightly lit monitor. In addition, it served as one of the few light sources in the entire room. At this hour, most inhabitants of this rundown apartment complex spent this special night outside, and with fellow people. But there was one who didn't follow this unsaid code of conduct.

That person is me.

Confined inside my measly home, I sat directly in front of a screen that I personally thought was too bright. Cans of various drinks, ranging from ordinary caffeine-filled ones to those of alcohol, were strewn across the carpet floor. Along with them were various bags of garbage that I myself were too lazy to go out and throw away. The putrid smell of trash was feebly fought back by my occasional sprays of air fresheners. Essentially, I lived in a complete dump that was created out of my sloth-like behavior.

My strained eyes quickly glanced at the only exit from this hellish scenery – the gateway of a world I rarely step foot in. Though just as quickly as they went, my eyes returned back to the illuminating monitor.

In all honesty, I knew that wasn't the case. It wasn't my laziness at all, but more of a fear. The world out there – It's like a foreign world. Strangers stare at me, and I know they must be laughing behind my back. They all look at me like I'm some sort of.. creature. It's mentally exhausting just to grab my basic groceries every week, which is why I reverted to getting them delivered to me. It's terrifying out there, in a world where you seem like nothing more than dirt to others. So frightening, that I have rightfully secluded myself inside this shabby room for God knows how long. All because the world out there is so intimidating to someone like myself.

But I'm not alone.

“Dear, we should really clean up this place.”

I could hear the female voice behind me, and all the joy it brought to my heart. Though I dared not to turn my head away from my computer screen, I made sure to reply to her.

“I'll do it in a bit, just checking Fakku again.”

“Alright, wake me up if you need anything.”

Her presence faded away just as quickly as I felt it, and my focus returned to the site I was browsing. After a handful of minutes of shuffling through various doujins and skimming through topics, my Skype suddenly burst with messages. Curious to see what it was about, my weak hand directed my mouse to do so.

“Dude, where are you?”

It was a message from one of my best friends on Fakku, who at the same time was the creator of one of the various chat groups it had.

The question he asked struck a tinge of discomfort within me, for I knew exactly why and what he was asking about. But I decided to play the forgetful role.

“What do you mean?”

“Don't be an asshat. We're not starting the Fakku Christmas party without you man. Are you almost here?”

Fear began to creep up my back, and uneasiness took over my body. I did promise him I would show up, but...

My eyes once again glanced at the gate to the outside world.

I'm not going out there.

“Uh, yeah. Not going after all. Sorry.”

Though I wasn't even in front of him, much less speaking to him, I cringed a bit after typing that reply. But I really couldn't go out there yet. The minute I step out into that reality, my fear would only take a toll on my body and mind. So it was better this way – better to stay inside, cooped up in a blanket, and be completely safe from the horrors of the human world.

After all, despite how it looks, this room was my haven. I could accomplish anything I desired here, whether it be online or in this small room. There will be no one to look down on me, nor to look at me like I'm sort of drop out. Because this is my sanctuary, my shelter, and my safe-house.

“Really? Is this how you're act? I remember you telling me before that you wanted to get out more, even though you have a fear of people. We're your friends here, people you all know, and you decide not to blow us off? This was your first chance to get a strong footing back in the real world, and you deny it? Fine then, fuck it. If you don't want to come, then don't.”

The agitation inside my heart took a hold of me as I read each word my friend typed to me. Line by line, I scanned the entire message with my weary eyes. Taking a few deep breaths, I sunk into my chair, seeking comfort from anyone or anything.

“Hun, you still sleeping..?”

No reply was given. Whatever happiness she brought me was now long gone. With my face expressing nothing but anguish and discomfort, I desperately wanted to hear something from her, even if she was sleeping. Gritting my teeth, I abruptly stood up and faced her sleeping body – or what I imagined it to be.

On my wrinkled-up bed stowed away in the furthest corner of the room, the body of a sleeping beauty was nonexistent. There was no one there, and truthfully, no one but myself in this entire room. My “girlfriend” never existed to begin with. Though I knew it myself, I continued to play this fake game of house to give myself some sort of social comfort that I was too scared to receive from others.

As if all strength left my body, I fell back into my chair and wrapped my hands around my head, attempting to even shut off my connection with a place I deemed as a haven.

What happened to me? Why am I like this? Did I not have a bright future ahead of me? Did I not graduate both college and high-school with flying colors? Then how.. How was I reduced to a pathetic existence like this? How come I was never able to grasp that bright future that was envisioned for me?

Taking another deep breath, I brought my head up to stare at this ever-dark room of mine. I was living like a pig. And for once, it truly disgusted me.

My teeth gritted in irritation as I continued to ask myself questions I already knew the answers to.

Why am I so pathetic? Why can't I even handle the stares of a few people? Why am I not strong? Can I really get myself back on my feet?

The last question made stop.

If I keep living like this, I will destroy myself. I cannot keep disappointing others, and more importantly, myself.

My shaky hands pressed the button to shut off the computer. The final light in my room vanished, but in its place, I turned on all the other lights. For once, I had some resolve. A resolve to stop wallowing in pity and fear, and to actually gain footing in a ruthless world. I avoided all the plastic bags of trash and made my way to the bathroom, where I discovered how disturbing I really looked. But even in the face of this, I pressed on.

After cleaning myself up and attempting to achieve some manner of looking presentable, I locked the door behind me and stepped into an eerie hallway. Cheers and shouts of parties were heard through the walls as I trudged through to reach the stairs. Eventually, I found my way down to what was called the entrance. But right now, I thought it of an exit. But I halted before going through those doors. Internally, I was beginning to fluctuate between two choices. To go out and join my fellow online friends in the first offline meeting we ever had, or to run back up those stairs, and shelter myself again in the safety of my sanctuary?

“No, I'm going through with this.”

I slapped my cheeks with both of my hands twice, and I stepped outside into a world I was afraid of.


For once, I thought the world was quite beautiful.

As I walked through the quiet snow-covered sidewalks, the stars above me sparkled as if they were leading the way to that one place where I would begin my rebirth.

For the first time in years, I smiled softly to myself as I began my journey to meet people I was still a little nervous about.

Well I sure as hell am glad that this twist wasn't placed at the conclusion. It would've simply been too melancholy (like a certain other holiday entry I've read).

The whole "girlfriend" part was an excellent flag as to how bad the situation was, how low someone with a bright future had fallen.

"rightfully secluded myself" this phrase out of the entire piece was my favorite. It isn't happy, it isn't healthy and it signifies the depth of fear and would I be wrong in saying, paranoia that plagues the character. It also granted me a measure of hope, that this person could still be saved, could still come to the light. Fear is forgivable, the willingness to just waste away is not.

"My teeth gritted in irritation as I continued to ask myself questions I already knew the answers to." If the previous phrase was my favorite than this is my second favorite. Often people know the answers to their problems but are unwilling to confront it unless someone slams the answer right in their face.