Dark Thorns of Despair (Tentative Title)
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Yes I know it's a motherfucking cluster fuck of bullshit but here:
Dark Thorns of Despair:
Chapter 1:
More later. Bored now.
Dark Thorns of Despair:
Chapter 1:
Spoiler:
More later. Bored now.
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One big problem you have is with dialogue. Whenever a different character starts talking, you're supposed to start a new paragraph.
For example, this should look more like this:
"Hey! You're Ekuson from my class, right?" The boy smiled innocently. Ekuson nodded curiously, but then walked over to the boy. "Stay there and state your business!" the boy suddenly shouted. Ekuson halted.
"I was told by your parents to find you, and the only noise I heard was a slamming noise from the warehouse door as you went in, so I went and told your parents, and they're on their way too." Ekuson replied. The boy sighed.
The dialogue itself could also use improvements.
These two lines in particular made me cringe. No normal child would speak like that but of course, the key word is normal so take from that what you will. The second line is just weird unless this is an indication of some unique thing part the world the story takes place in. In reality though, I don't see an actual father talking that way to their own son.
Not everything is in the same tense in this paragraph.
This line makes it seem that monsters may not be so uncommon of a thing, but the boys that get attacked in the warehouse have no idea what's going on.
Another point I have an issue with is your decision to hide Etan's name until near the end of the chapter. I don't understand the point of it.
I think your descriptions could use some work as well, and some more detail would be welcome.
Just looking at the story, I don't think you've posted enough for me to form an opinion yet.
"Hey! You're Ekuson from my class, right?" The boy smiled innocently. Ekuson nodded curiously, but then walked over to the boy. "Stay there and state your business!" the boy suddenly shouted. Ekuson halted. "I was told by your parents to find you, and the only noise I heard was a slamming noise from the warehouse door as you went in, so I went and told your parents, and they're on their way too." Ekuson replied. The boy sighed.
For example, this should look more like this:
"Hey! You're Ekuson from my class, right?" The boy smiled innocently. Ekuson nodded curiously, but then walked over to the boy. "Stay there and state your business!" the boy suddenly shouted. Ekuson halted.
"I was told by your parents to find you, and the only noise I heard was a slamming noise from the warehouse door as you went in, so I went and told your parents, and they're on their way too." Ekuson replied. The boy sighed.
The dialogue itself could also use improvements.
There's nothing that would interest children like us here.
"Well I am a nice father, but . . .
These two lines in particular made me cringe. No normal child would speak like that but of course, the key word is normal so take from that what you will. The second line is just weird unless this is an indication of some unique thing part the world the story takes place in. In reality though, I don't see an actual father talking that way to their own son.
It was a calm, breezy night. Light mists of rain drift in and out of the silent city as the murky, grey clouds burn away to reveal the starlit sky. An occasional dog barks at a traveler passing through, in order to repel potential trespassers. In this calm city, no one expects anything interesting to happen, because there aren't many interesting people who lived there. Of course, few places house monsters, because of the stigma against them. So most places have ordinary people living their lives.
Not everything is in the same tense in this paragraph.
Of course, few places house monsters, because of the stigma against them. So most places have ordinary people living their lives.
This line makes it seem that monsters may not be so uncommon of a thing, but the boys that get attacked in the warehouse have no idea what's going on.
Another point I have an issue with is your decision to hide Etan's name until near the end of the chapter. I don't understand the point of it.
I think your descriptions could use some work as well, and some more detail would be welcome.
Just looking at the story, I don't think you've posted enough for me to form an opinion yet.
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d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Spoiler:
I made some changes to the first chapter, and I'm working on chapter 2 keeping in mind your criticism. Thanks a bunch.
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SolidShark wrote...
Spoiler:
Thanks for the advice and criticism, I will keep it in mind while I'm re-writing chapter one.
Well, on a side note, here's something interesting below... that is, a WALL OF TEXT.
Please read it when you get a chance, I know it spoils a good portion of the upcoming plot, but maybe you can help me adjust these too.
(spoiler alert!)--(base plotline alert! Not integrated into chapters yet!)
Spoiler:
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"I work in a special unit in the millitary" kinda ruined my expectations and that would lead to a team of others like Ekuson, making the plot predictable.
That's a good point. I'm not necessarily suggesting you change that part of the plot, but maybe you should hold off on revealing it for now. I mean, it's chapter 1 and we already found out that the main character thus far is a little kid who enjoys torturing and devouring others. That's a pretty big concept. The fact that Ekuson opposes him may just be enough for us to go on for now.
Also, about adding more description to my chapter 1, what would you recommend, and where, for example?
First things first, the way I see it, there's an important question you should always keep in mind: How much do I want to leave up to the interpretation of the reader?
. . . as he wandered nonchalantly into a shady warehouse, supposedly abandoned.
Here, you describe the warehouse as shady and abandoned and then move on. Your job ends and now the job of the reader to determine what makes a warehouse seem shady and abandoned begins. Or, you could go into more detail. Tell us how this warehouse is shady. Is it the last one at the end of the docks and it never has any lights on? Are there broken windows, or as SolidShark suggested, rust and bullet holes? Alternatively, you could just give these details and not even mention that it's abandoned or shady. Let the reader determine that based on its less than ideal condition.
I don't think there's a wrong or right way to do it and chances are, there are even more ways to do it, but there is another factor that you might want consider with regards to descriptions: pacing. For example, if your character is in the middle of a fight at the warehouse, you probably wouldn't want to take the time to go into great detail about the surroundings since fights tend to be fast paced.
The bat struck the unflinching child in the forehead, but he didn't budge.
Reading this again, detail isn't the only problem I see. In this part you don't need to mention that the child is unflinching and that he doesn't budge, especially in the same sentence. They both get across the same point: he wasn't phased by getting smacked in the head with a nailed bat.
Holes were created in the child’s skin, but blood didn't come out – spikes make from shadows did, and after regressing the boy’s wounds healed.
Also keep in mind word choice. "Created" works and makes sense, but is it the best word to use in this context to create the image you want? When I hear about creation, I tend to think of something positive, not the destructive force of a bat being swung at a child's head.
Another problem I have with the word choice here is the way you describe the spikes. You refer to them almost nonchalantly whereas I think of ominous shadowy spikes seeping out of a deadly wound as horrifying.
Btw, that line is also grammatically incorrect. I think "make" should be "made" and there should be a comma after "regressing."
The teenagers started to shudder in terror as the boy's shadow extended and began to strangle the middle school children, who until now stood apathetic to the lynching that should have occurred to the boy, but was instead being carried out against the teenagers. The middle school children fainted from the suffocation but were soon awakened by the pain of having their tendon’s cut by the shadows, which were sharp like surgical steel.
Another thing I didn't pick up on last time is his paragraph. The first sentence is really long, and I'm not sure if it's even a correct sentence. I'd break it down into a sentence about the shadow and another one about the children and how essentially, the tables have been turned on them. The second sentence has the same problem as before, I think. Something horrifying is happening and you kind of just sweep over it.
The leader was thrown onto his back, and as soon as he could move, he back away with eyes wide open, crying in sheer fear of what would come next.
You could do a bit more to describe the way the leader is moving. If he just had the tendons in his legs cut, I imagine he'd have a pretty tough time.
Anyway, there's some examples. It's late and I'm tired. One more thing though. I don't know now long you've been writing or how much practice you've had up until now, but don't spend too long on the first chapter. Do not try to revise it over and over again until it's perfect, especially if this is the first story you're working on. I can speak from personal experience. It didn't work out.
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d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Spoiler:
Thanks for all your advice tonight. Well, I guess I should move on to chapter 2 then, despite the flaws that have been pointed out. Perhaps I'll re-write the story after I finish it. However, I'll do it better next time.
Thank you so much for your advice, and have a good night.