Dream Steamer [Original]
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This is my current story that I'm working on, so, if you guys and girls like it, you can comment on it.
A Steamer’s Dream.
IN a place faraway, lie two kingdoms in a state of constant war and ever-lasting hatred. The kingdom of Adamanshia specialized on ancient spells and alchemy. Most of the citizens were either magicians or alchemists. Adamanshia cherishes nature as much as they cherish their own life. The citizens were known as “Dreamers”. This kingdom was also known as Al-Magicka. The other kingdom specializes in machineries and modern steam-based technology. This kingdom was known as Titalhinia, the city of Steam. Steam-based machineries were used on daily basis, from the smallest type to the most complicated machinery. The citizens were called †˜Steamers’. Because of these differences between the two kingdoms, one protected nature while the other destroyed it, they collided. It was a war between †˜Steamers’ and †˜Dreamers’.
In Titalhinia, lived a certain youth who went by the name Rick Realder, a 17 year old Steamer, working as a Welder of war machines. He was one of the most talented Welder as well, and the youngest. His parents were talented people but he hardly known them since he lost them both when he was young. He had no relative, so he was the last of his bloodline if he remained unmarried. But he was not alone after losing his parents; he was accompanied by his childhood friend, Lisa. She was also a Steamer but she didn’t do heavy-duty work like Rick did, instead she helped around town. Despite her petite appearance, she was 17 as well but younger than Rick, who was 2 weeks older than her. These two had a fate that changed their lives during Rick’s 18th birthday…
The sun rose from the east, shone through Rick’s curtain and showered his face with sunlight, as an alarm for his daily morning. Then, someone was knocking on his door. “Rick, its morning, time to get up” a gentle voice said behind the door.
The door opened and a petite girl with long blonde hair that reached her waists came in, it was Lisa, his childhood friend. “How long are you going to sleep?” she pouted as she opened the curtain, letting more sunlight flooded the dark room.
Rick was groaning and he covered his face with his pillow. “I was working late last night…can you at least let me sleep more…?” he muffled under the pillow.
Then, Lisa just pulled his blanket off his bed and said, “Come on, the Head Director wants you to meet him at that new mine that was just found remember?”
Rick finally gave up and sat up on his bed, stretching and yawning at the same time. He rubbed his eyes to get a better look at Lisa, who was glimmering with the sunlight. “Oh and, Happy Birthday Rick” she said with a smile.
She just left the room after that, leaving Rick still hanging on the bed. “Oh yeah…today’s my birthday…two weeks later is gonna be her birthday…” he thought while scratching his head.
He got off his bed and stretched his body some more and rummaged through his closet to find something suitable for him to wear, something decent for his birthday. He found a jacket that he never actually wore before, so he just wore it on top of his work shirt. The jacket was pretty sturdy and made out of leather, pretty good in rough terrains, he guessed. After properly wearing his clothes for that day, he closed his closet and left his room.
He could hear banging and smashing coming from a nearby mine. He took his time to look outside from his window and saw some burly looking guys walking by his house, carrying heavy materials and tools. “Yo Rick! You’re gonna get to the mine today?” one of the burly man yelled while lifting a bag of tools.
Rick just waved at him and closed the window; he didn’t really like those guys. He sighed on how unfortunate he was that the new mine was really close to his house, it was practically right next door. His neighbor had to move somewhere because of that, he really liked them too. “Rick! Your breakfast is getting cold!” Lisa yelled from the kitchen.
“Okay! I’ll be right there!” he replied.
He looked at himself in a mirror and smiled at himself. Looking good…
Lisa was already eating her breakfast, two loaves of toasted bread with sunny-side up egg on her plate and a mug of hot coffee, with her usual 5 lumps of sugar in it. Rick looked at his plate and noticed there was something special on it. “Let’s see…Oh, steak for breakfast?” he said with a surprised tone.
“Well, since today’s your birthday, I guess I can make that for breakfast,” she said proudly, “and besides…” she eat one of her toast, “you have work to do today, so make sure you have the energy.”
Hearing what she said was really depressing that Rick was heaving a sigh. He just sat down and enjoyed his glamorous breakfast. “You know, I was really surprised that there was a mine right next door…”Lisa struck a conversation.
Rick just nodded and kept eating his steak, he poured some sauce with it as well. “Y-You know…you’d better be careful in there, who knows what in there…” she reminded worriedly.
Rick looked up and said, “You worried about me?” he bites a slice of his steak.
“N-No..! I just don’t want to be the only girl living in this big house” she flustered with shades of crimson.
Rick just finished his steak and put away his plate into the sink. He patted her head as a sign of †˜Don’t Worry’. He left the kitchen without saying anything and headed to his armory to suit up for his excavation. His armory was where he put all the weapons he made; all was hand-made and was only made by him, with no help at all. He browsed over some collection of rifles hanging on the wall and picked out the one that shoots with a heavy blow, the Wrecker, as he called it. He also took a box of specialized ammo for the Wrecker and also wore a thick flak jacket for safety.
After arming himself for his excavation, he left the armory and headed out. “Here’s your lunch, be sure to eat it, †˜kay?” said Lisa as she handed the boxed lunch to Rick.
He took it and left the house, waving goodbye as he walked pass his lawn. Then, just when he arrived at the excavation site, a fat sweaty middle aged man came out from a trailer and greeted him at the spot. “Welcome! You must be Rick Realder that I heard so much about!” he greeted as he shook Rick’s hand with full of sweat.
Rick acted arrogant and wiped his hand with his handkerchief. “So? What did you hear about me?”
“Well, the higher ups were saying that you are the best around! From welding to exploring, you’re talented!”
Hearing all that compliments made Rick proud but he kept it to himself.
“I see. Well, is that the mine I’m supposed to check?” he asked as he looked at a cave, swarming with miners.
“Yes it is and I must warn you that Golems are living in that damn cave, got 3 of my workers already!” he puffed up with anger.
Rick just ignored him and walked pass the miners and into the cave. Some people were staring at him, either amazed or sneering at him for being arrogant. Rick felt their stares but ignored them and continued walking into the cave. For a cave that was found recently…it’s pretty deep, not to mention hollow…
He lit the lantern he hooked on his belt and started exploring. Looks like the same dusty, hollow cave like everywhere else I’ve seen…wait what’s that?
He swayed his lantern over to the wall and saw some writings, writings that he never saw before. He ran his finger along the letters and examined them closely. He looked around the wall and saw another strange thing, a symbol that was shaped like a sword, no, a dagger. Seems like this is no ordinary cave…let’s go deeper…
He continued walking deeper into the cave and eventually, he came to a dead end. Damn it! It’s all a big goose chase!
He kicked the dead end wall and sat down beside his lantern. Just when he thought it was done, he felt something from below. He tried to stand up but suddenly, the floor collapsed and he fell into some deep abyss. He didn’t had time to throw his hook up and so, he kept falling…
A Steamer’s Dream.
IN a place faraway, lie two kingdoms in a state of constant war and ever-lasting hatred. The kingdom of Adamanshia specialized on ancient spells and alchemy. Most of the citizens were either magicians or alchemists. Adamanshia cherishes nature as much as they cherish their own life. The citizens were known as “Dreamers”. This kingdom was also known as Al-Magicka. The other kingdom specializes in machineries and modern steam-based technology. This kingdom was known as Titalhinia, the city of Steam. Steam-based machineries were used on daily basis, from the smallest type to the most complicated machinery. The citizens were called †˜Steamers’. Because of these differences between the two kingdoms, one protected nature while the other destroyed it, they collided. It was a war between †˜Steamers’ and †˜Dreamers’.
In Titalhinia, lived a certain youth who went by the name Rick Realder, a 17 year old Steamer, working as a Welder of war machines. He was one of the most talented Welder as well, and the youngest. His parents were talented people but he hardly known them since he lost them both when he was young. He had no relative, so he was the last of his bloodline if he remained unmarried. But he was not alone after losing his parents; he was accompanied by his childhood friend, Lisa. She was also a Steamer but she didn’t do heavy-duty work like Rick did, instead she helped around town. Despite her petite appearance, she was 17 as well but younger than Rick, who was 2 weeks older than her. These two had a fate that changed their lives during Rick’s 18th birthday…
The sun rose from the east, shone through Rick’s curtain and showered his face with sunlight, as an alarm for his daily morning. Then, someone was knocking on his door. “Rick, its morning, time to get up” a gentle voice said behind the door.
The door opened and a petite girl with long blonde hair that reached her waists came in, it was Lisa, his childhood friend. “How long are you going to sleep?” she pouted as she opened the curtain, letting more sunlight flooded the dark room.
Rick was groaning and he covered his face with his pillow. “I was working late last night…can you at least let me sleep more…?” he muffled under the pillow.
Then, Lisa just pulled his blanket off his bed and said, “Come on, the Head Director wants you to meet him at that new mine that was just found remember?”
Rick finally gave up and sat up on his bed, stretching and yawning at the same time. He rubbed his eyes to get a better look at Lisa, who was glimmering with the sunlight. “Oh and, Happy Birthday Rick” she said with a smile.
She just left the room after that, leaving Rick still hanging on the bed. “Oh yeah…today’s my birthday…two weeks later is gonna be her birthday…” he thought while scratching his head.
He got off his bed and stretched his body some more and rummaged through his closet to find something suitable for him to wear, something decent for his birthday. He found a jacket that he never actually wore before, so he just wore it on top of his work shirt. The jacket was pretty sturdy and made out of leather, pretty good in rough terrains, he guessed. After properly wearing his clothes for that day, he closed his closet and left his room.
He could hear banging and smashing coming from a nearby mine. He took his time to look outside from his window and saw some burly looking guys walking by his house, carrying heavy materials and tools. “Yo Rick! You’re gonna get to the mine today?” one of the burly man yelled while lifting a bag of tools.
Rick just waved at him and closed the window; he didn’t really like those guys. He sighed on how unfortunate he was that the new mine was really close to his house, it was practically right next door. His neighbor had to move somewhere because of that, he really liked them too. “Rick! Your breakfast is getting cold!” Lisa yelled from the kitchen.
“Okay! I’ll be right there!” he replied.
He looked at himself in a mirror and smiled at himself. Looking good…
Lisa was already eating her breakfast, two loaves of toasted bread with sunny-side up egg on her plate and a mug of hot coffee, with her usual 5 lumps of sugar in it. Rick looked at his plate and noticed there was something special on it. “Let’s see…Oh, steak for breakfast?” he said with a surprised tone.
“Well, since today’s your birthday, I guess I can make that for breakfast,” she said proudly, “and besides…” she eat one of her toast, “you have work to do today, so make sure you have the energy.”
Hearing what she said was really depressing that Rick was heaving a sigh. He just sat down and enjoyed his glamorous breakfast. “You know, I was really surprised that there was a mine right next door…”Lisa struck a conversation.
Rick just nodded and kept eating his steak, he poured some sauce with it as well. “Y-You know…you’d better be careful in there, who knows what in there…” she reminded worriedly.
Rick looked up and said, “You worried about me?” he bites a slice of his steak.
“N-No..! I just don’t want to be the only girl living in this big house” she flustered with shades of crimson.
Rick just finished his steak and put away his plate into the sink. He patted her head as a sign of †˜Don’t Worry’. He left the kitchen without saying anything and headed to his armory to suit up for his excavation. His armory was where he put all the weapons he made; all was hand-made and was only made by him, with no help at all. He browsed over some collection of rifles hanging on the wall and picked out the one that shoots with a heavy blow, the Wrecker, as he called it. He also took a box of specialized ammo for the Wrecker and also wore a thick flak jacket for safety.
After arming himself for his excavation, he left the armory and headed out. “Here’s your lunch, be sure to eat it, †˜kay?” said Lisa as she handed the boxed lunch to Rick.
He took it and left the house, waving goodbye as he walked pass his lawn. Then, just when he arrived at the excavation site, a fat sweaty middle aged man came out from a trailer and greeted him at the spot. “Welcome! You must be Rick Realder that I heard so much about!” he greeted as he shook Rick’s hand with full of sweat.
Rick acted arrogant and wiped his hand with his handkerchief. “So? What did you hear about me?”
“Well, the higher ups were saying that you are the best around! From welding to exploring, you’re talented!”
Hearing all that compliments made Rick proud but he kept it to himself.
“I see. Well, is that the mine I’m supposed to check?” he asked as he looked at a cave, swarming with miners.
“Yes it is and I must warn you that Golems are living in that damn cave, got 3 of my workers already!” he puffed up with anger.
Rick just ignored him and walked pass the miners and into the cave. Some people were staring at him, either amazed or sneering at him for being arrogant. Rick felt their stares but ignored them and continued walking into the cave. For a cave that was found recently…it’s pretty deep, not to mention hollow…
He lit the lantern he hooked on his belt and started exploring. Looks like the same dusty, hollow cave like everywhere else I’ve seen…wait what’s that?
He swayed his lantern over to the wall and saw some writings, writings that he never saw before. He ran his finger along the letters and examined them closely. He looked around the wall and saw another strange thing, a symbol that was shaped like a sword, no, a dagger. Seems like this is no ordinary cave…let’s go deeper…
He continued walking deeper into the cave and eventually, he came to a dead end. Damn it! It’s all a big goose chase!
He kicked the dead end wall and sat down beside his lantern. Just when he thought it was done, he felt something from below. He tried to stand up but suddenly, the floor collapsed and he fell into some deep abyss. He didn’t had time to throw his hook up and so, he kept falling…
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Decent none the less. I just sensed you made a mistake. His birthday and Hers. Weren't they 2 weeks apart, but he says " her birthday is next week ?" Just pointing that out.
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CJoker wrote...
Thanks for the comment and error, mighty appreciate itNo problem. Are you going to turn this into a long story, or just short and sweet? Its pretty good. I would like to see it fleshed out.
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CJoker wrote...
I'm not good at short stories, so it'll be a pretty long storyWhen my +rep resets, I'll make sure to +rep you. Want to read more.
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Jericho Antares
FAKKU Writer
Alright, so:
The exposition was too straightforward, and uninteresting because it was so. You really shouldn't start something by throwing the entire set-up of the story at the reader rapid-fire.
This is completely personal, but I have seen too many super-talented minors, and I mean minors as in the under 18 kind. He can be a protege, fine but being the best and youngest at everything he does is annoying.
Your tense changes often from past to present while narrating and I also noticed that you sometimes made words that should have been singular plural.
Lisa reacted way too much to Rick's simple question of if she was worried. If they were friends and lived together for that long, I doubt she'd be flustered by such an obvious joke.
The plot in and of itself also doesn't make sense. For one, Rick is a welder, so why is he clearing mines? Secondly, why would they open a mine when it has obviously not been cleared of hazards and is a hollowed out cave already? The fact that this cave has been resting in the middle of a residential area also doesn't make much sense.
You wrote, He lit the lantern he hooked on his belt and started exploring. Looks like the same dusty, hollow cave like everywhere else I’ve seen…wait what’s that?
He swayed his lantern over to the wall and saw some writings, writings that he never saw before. He ran his finger along the letters and examined them closely. He looked around the wall and saw another strange thing, a symbol that was shaped like a sword, no, a dagger. Seems like this is no ordinary cave…let’s go deeper…, and I couldn't help but think that you forgot some quotation marks. If not, reconsider suddenly making it seem like Rick is the narrator and the reader is right next to him. It stands out too much from the rest of the work.
In summation, the work as a whole reminds me rather of NeoSteam, to the point that I actually checked the names of the two factions, so I would suggest adding more depth to the exposition between the two kingdoms, as others may make a similar connection. It isn't my cup of tea, what with the super-good-at-everything protagonist either, put that's purely subjective. The verb tense needs work as well. Other than that, the conversations were written well enough and for the most part established believable characters.
I'll stop short of a numeric score and suggest that you give some time to edit what you have before you go on. Even if you don't edit any of the plot and character-based things I cited, then at least fix your tense, as it makes the whole thing sloppy.
The exposition was too straightforward, and uninteresting because it was so. You really shouldn't start something by throwing the entire set-up of the story at the reader rapid-fire.
This is completely personal, but I have seen too many super-talented minors, and I mean minors as in the under 18 kind. He can be a protege, fine but being the best and youngest at everything he does is annoying.
Your tense changes often from past to present while narrating and I also noticed that you sometimes made words that should have been singular plural.
Lisa reacted way too much to Rick's simple question of if she was worried. If they were friends and lived together for that long, I doubt she'd be flustered by such an obvious joke.
The plot in and of itself also doesn't make sense. For one, Rick is a welder, so why is he clearing mines? Secondly, why would they open a mine when it has obviously not been cleared of hazards and is a hollowed out cave already? The fact that this cave has been resting in the middle of a residential area also doesn't make much sense.
You wrote, He lit the lantern he hooked on his belt and started exploring. Looks like the same dusty, hollow cave like everywhere else I’ve seen…wait what’s that?
He swayed his lantern over to the wall and saw some writings, writings that he never saw before. He ran his finger along the letters and examined them closely. He looked around the wall and saw another strange thing, a symbol that was shaped like a sword, no, a dagger. Seems like this is no ordinary cave…let’s go deeper…, and I couldn't help but think that you forgot some quotation marks. If not, reconsider suddenly making it seem like Rick is the narrator and the reader is right next to him. It stands out too much from the rest of the work.
In summation, the work as a whole reminds me rather of NeoSteam, to the point that I actually checked the names of the two factions, so I would suggest adding more depth to the exposition between the two kingdoms, as others may make a similar connection. It isn't my cup of tea, what with the super-good-at-everything protagonist either, put that's purely subjective. The verb tense needs work as well. Other than that, the conversations were written well enough and for the most part established believable characters.
I'll stop short of a numeric score and suggest that you give some time to edit what you have before you go on. Even if you don't edit any of the plot and character-based things I cited, then at least fix your tense, as it makes the whole thing sloppy.