Fallen: The abyss

Fallen: The Abyss

Pls keep in mind this was written a good while ago add had been slightly edited as well as having never been finished. One of the largest things i hadn't fixed was the name change of Victoria to Sophia that i didn't change in all of them and haven't bothered to sence XD Anyways i would like to know what you guys think and any changes that you think i should make.

Heero- It’s always the same dream every time. It always starts the same I am surrounded by fire and I am holding a young woman in my arms she is covered in blood. She is growing paler every passing second everything but her rosy lips as crimson red as her own blood and I know that if something isn’t done she will die. I tell her to hold on that help will be there soon that everything will be alright she just need to hold on for a little longer. But deep down I know help isn’t coming. I know she will die and there is nothing I can do about it, that I am powerless to stop her from dying and as I look in to her eyes I can tell that she knows it to, and then she speaks to me. With tender words in spite of the pain that I can clearly see on her face she tells me not to worry and not to be sad that she knows that she is dying and that she doesn’t blame me that she loves me and that if she had to do it all over again she wouldn’t change a thing and then she pulls me in close and we kiss tender and sweet and then she fades away. Tears roll down my face and I don’t know why. Why I feel this way for a woman I have never met before outside of my dreams and why it hurts so much to see her lie their slowly growing colder tears running down my face and then I awake in the back of the truck. Aila -You have the dream again? Heero- Ya. Aila -You really should get that checked. Heero-Fuck you. Aila-You have to be about this big to do that “gestures with her hands” Heero- Well that’s about right so what time we doing this. :3 Aila - Oh shut the hell up ya dumb ass. xp Driver – Hey you two we are almost their get ready to deploy. Heero - Roger that. Aila – O.K! †˜Action’ Heero and Aila-Gearing up.  Heero - So you ready to go? Aila –You know it. Driver- Were here you two when you get off you will be briefed on the mission. †˜Action’ Heero and Aila-Alright were heading out then. Mission debriefer- All right you two your mission is simple you are to investigate the ruins that we have discovered. We think that they were formally a military base or a laboratory. †˜Action’ Heero and Aila-Yes sir is that all? Mission debriefer- Yes that will be all you are dismissed. †˜Action’ Heero and Aila- Roger that sir moving out.

Prologue END
Chapter 1: the awakening
Heero-So what is this place anyways? Aila-Not really sure it looks like an old military base if you ask me, ya know the ones from before the fall. Heero- Do you really think so? I heard that most of them were destroyed by the fallen when the world fell apart. But even if it is a military base why would the organization send us of all people to investigate this and not some of the grunts? I mean it’s not like it’s the first time something like this has been discovered theirs almost never anything in them and when there is its almost never anything useful. Aila- From what I heard they already sent a team to investigate but they never heard back from them. So that’s why they are sending us to investigate. Are mission is to find out what happened here, find out what happened to the missing team, and look for anything of interest. Heero- Anything of interest? Aila- You know weapons, vehicles stuff like that. Heero- Alright then we should probably get to work then. †˜Action’ Heero and Aila - Enter the ruins and start to explore. Heero- Man this place is spooky don’t ya think Aila? Aila- You got that right. I really hate these old places from before the fall they always give me the creeps. Heero- Maybe that’s because they are haunted by the restless souls of the dead ;3 Aila- DX Don’t even joke about that stuff man you know I hate ghosts and stuff. Heero- All right all right clam down. “Joking around still” WOW did you see that! Aila- W-w-w-w-what are you talking about I didn’t see anything. Heero- Ya didn’t you see that thing it ran right down the hallway! Aila- I told you to stop messing around already Heero it’s not funny anymore!   Heero- I am telling you I could have sworn I’d seen something go running down that hall. †˜Action’- Something actually runs down the hall. †˜Action’ Aila- Screams and runs down another hallway. Heero- 0_0 well then that was…………….. Interesting. †˜Action’ Heero- Stops for a few seconds to regain his composure. Heero- Talking to himself for second I should probably call her on the radio and tell her to come back. †˜Action’ Heero- Try’s to call Aila on the radio. Hears static from her end. Heero- looks like I will have to go get her †˜sigh’. †˜Action’ Heero- Start to walk down the hallway Aila ran down and starts to call out her name. Heero- Aila Aila where are you! Come on back already it was probably just a mouse or something. †˜Action’- Floor creaking. Heero looks down just as the floor falls from beneath his feet mid shout. Heero- Ailaaaaaaaaaaaa HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!! †˜Action’- Heero crashes through a few floors until he finally crashes ceiling to another room many floors down. Heero- Owwwwww my head! God I have to be more careful. These old places really are dangerous. The hell did I fall anyways? †˜Action’ Heero- Looks up through the hole he fell through then looks around the room. Heero- Well I am not getting back up that way better take a look around and see if I can’t find a way out. †˜Action’ Heero- looks trough his bag for a flash light so he can see the room better. After finding it he turns it on and starts to look around for anything of interest and an exit. After looking around for a bit Heero discovers a fairly large passageway/hallway and decides to explore it because it’s the only passage he has discovered so far. After walking for some distance down the hall Heero starts to pass odd tube-like containers most of which are broken at first Heero just passes them by until he finds one that is still intact. His curiosity getting the better of him he gets his flashlight and moves closer to container and flashes it inside to see its contents. Heero recoils from shock and disgust at the contents of the container for inside the container is some half formed monster. Heero- The hell is that thing it’s disgusting. What is this place anyways? Ow well no time for that now I still have to find Aila, find out what happened to the previse team and then get the hell out of here. Well better keep moving.  †˜Action’ Heero- continues walking down the hall for some time until he comes across a closed door. Heero- Look’s like this is a dead end “breaths out” ya right like I am going to let a little door stop me after all this. †˜Action’ Heero- puts down his bag and looks trough it for a crowbar. Heero- All right let’s get this puppy open. †˜Action’ Heero- Starts prying the door open. Heero- Finally god. Wow man this room is huge and cold really cold wait a second cold that means that this room still has power! Wait a second is that another one of those test-tube things over there. I wonder what’s inside this one? Probably just another one of toughs freaky deformed monster things. Wonder if this one’s still alive? Probably not. †˜Action’ Heero- walks up to the test-tube/container to investigate it. The tube is saturated with water droplets so he wipes away the condensation on the glass. Heero- Wow it’s a hot naked chick! †˜Action’ Heero- thinks to himself she looks a lot like that woman from my dreams. Heero- Anyways the hell is she doing in there. I got to get her out of there. †˜Action’ Heero- Runs around the room looking for a way to get her out without harming her. He finds a control panel and starts pressing all the buttons. Heero- Come on come on work already one of these buttons has got to open that thing. †˜Action’- The lights turn on machines start to buzz and the whole base comes to life and the test-tube finally opens up and the young woman falls out. Heero runs over to the girl and cheeks her vitals to see if she is Alive. After he makes sure that she is alive he covers her up with an extra shirt from his bag. Heero- Hay hay wake up are you alright? Sophia- Cough…cough who…. Who are you? Heero- My names Heero what’s your name? Sophia- My-my name’s Sophia where are we and why the hell am I naked? Heero- We are in some type of military base or laboratory. As for why your naked that’s how I found you I swear! Sooooooooo anyways do you know how you got here? Sophia- No I don’t think so wait maybe I do………. uga ow god my head my head hurts. †˜Action’ victoria- Passes out. Heero- Are you all right hay get a hold of yourself. Shit she passed out on me. †˜Action’- Alarms start blaring. Heero- Well that can’t be good. Better get out of here. But wait were the hell can I even go? †˜Action’ Heero- Notices an exit a door open that wasn’t previously in the room. Heero- The hell did that come from well don’t really matter now does it. We better get out of here ow right -_-, she’s still out cold better carry her. †˜Action’ Heero- Picks up Victoria and carries her on his back and starts running down the corridor. After running down the hall for some time Heero hears loud noises coming from up ahead over the blaring of the sirens.  After getting a bit closer Heero can make out the noise as the sounds of gun shots, shouting and the sound of what he thinks is some type of heavy machinery. Finally after some time he finally stumbles across the source of all the noise. It was Aila fighting off what appeared to be a pack of robots with her tonfa that seemed to be trying to kill her. Heero- Aila there you! Are you all right? Aila- Ow ya I am just great. I am only fighting homicidal killer robots that have the intent to gut me like a fish but ya besides that I am fine. So were the hell have you been. >,

Before I get into the meat of it, I want to say two things. One, I'll make all my comments ignoring the fact that's it's been a while since this was written. You decide whether or now what I have to say is relevant to you. Two, that you couldn't be bothered to change all instances of Victoria to Sophia tells me that you aren't taking this very seriously, so why the hell should I? Keep that in mind.

Your biggest problem with this is format. I don't know if this is due to copying and pasting from the original file into the post or if you wrote it like this to begin with, but a big block of text isn't appealing to the eye. It makes it difficult to keep my place and messes with the flow of the story. You need to break this down into smaller paragraphs.

Also related to format is the way you handle dialogue and description/action. It is far from the conventional way. It's very difficult to read, especially at first when I didn't understand the system you use.



For the first third of the content you posted, I thought that for some reason you were calling Heero 'Action' Heero, like it's some kind of nickname for him.

This system that use makes me question if you've ever read a single book, because if you have, you'd know that the author doesn't use 'Action' to denote action because with the way they handle it, it's clear when action is taking place and when a character is speaking.



This is one of many run-on sentences in this.



If it's always the same dream, than it's safe to assume it always starts the same. Beware of stating redundant details.



I know it's not clear what this place is that they're going to, but when I read this, I instantly think of the briefing he just had with the driver, in which he more or less answered this question.



No emotes to show emotions. That's cheating.



This line of dialogue as well as others could and probably should have been action. The amount of stuff that you have your characters narrating in this isn't natural. People don't act like that in real life unless they have a good reason to.



I had to stop and think here why a cold room would mean the power's still on. Even now, I'm not exactly sure how Heero is able to come to this conclusion. I can only assume that it's hot outside, but you don't mention that at all or say anything that I noticed that would allude to the temperature outside.



I think this goes hand in hand with my other comment about characters narrating whats going on in that I don't see this being a natural reaction.

Now, that was all about prose. With regard to the story, I don't think it's terribly original or unique, but were this a finished story, it's something that I would stick with for at least a little bit longer.

The reason for the writing of actions and so forth are are mostly because this was made for my artist at the time to make it easyer for them to draw everything up. Rather then me not taking it seriously its more around the lines of me not having the time to work on it life comes first then anything else. Large portions of the odd way its set up was in fact caused by copy and pasting the file so ya thats a thing. Run on sentences are mostly on account this being a very rough draft not the final product. Further more this was just made to convey the basic story and not to be the end product. Besides that i leave most editing fixes with grammar and spelling to my friend as i just want to convey the basic idea's and auctions as fast as possible so that story boards can be writen up. I also dont bouther with the grammar as this is for manga and a lot of text will be lost in converting the written parts to draw parts for instance any fight seens that would be writen out are pointless as the will just turn in to none written actions in the panels.

That being the case, you should have been more up front about the nature of the project.



I know how busy people's lives can get, but at the same time, it sounds like just an excuse. Did you really not have the time to even go through and make sure all instances of Victoria were changed to Sophia? You could have done it literally seconds if you have access to MS Word.



Okay, but in the future, you really should spruce up the things you post.

Since when do you see anyone publishing a rough draft?

Give us a good reason rather than an excuse to have us read over this... thing you posted. I don't know about d, but I wouldn't even touch that thing.

Now, I know I was tearing into him about about the format, but I think this crosses the line just a little bit. I think it's perfectly acceptable for people to want to have unfinished projects examined for feedback. The problem I have with this is it's a VERY rough draft of something that's apparently not even meant to be read.

Lol'd @ the comments. I stopped caring the moment I noticed the emotes.

That's what I think a rough draft is, though. I didn't say 'very', because I think a 'draft' is what you'd show, but not a 'rough draft' to people, if you get what I mean. Seriously, that writer should be more thankful that you took the time to read and write an articulate response like that.

I've always thought of rough drafts as being essentially the same thing as first drafts. The way I see it, there's the concept stage, which involves outlines and all that; there's the first/rough draft, and then there are however many subsequent drafts it takes to get a finished, polished story.

And then there's Fallen: The abyss, which, as presented in this topic is in an awkward in-between that's after the concept stage, but at the same time, it's sorta not really a rough draft.