FATE/ Next generation.
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Prologue:
it has been 200 years since 5th holy grail war has ended. the grail was believed to be destroyed. but truth is grail took another form to escape its fate. years later Emiya shirou Formed Emiya corp had good life and had 2 sons. one born from Rin tosaka and one born From Mato. his life ended when he formed his reality marble for 40 days try to save hundreds of his employees from the ruble of terrible earthquake at the age of 60.
Present day of Emiya corp is run by Emiya shino. his great grandson. inventor of new grail tech and servent tech and head of Magic Association.shino presently has one daughter and one step son. their name is Emiya Rin and Emiya ieyasu. they are both decendent of Shirou.
Ch 1 (IE's point of veiw)
this is just another monday morning. ever since age of 5. i lived in Rin's house. eating breakfest with her, going school with her, and learning magic with her. but she is good at every thing she does except the morning race. when ever i told her to give up she always says i can not upset the name of her grandma(well Great Grand ma Rin is Actually known as hero of Grail war and genius who came up with theory of combining magic and technology.) this is just another day she well try to beat me in morning race to school. but it fell strange today as if something was wrong. this feeling of mine is never wrong. until i heard my father in the study....
it has been 200 years since 5th holy grail war has ended. the grail was believed to be destroyed. but truth is grail took another form to escape its fate. years later Emiya shirou Formed Emiya corp had good life and had 2 sons. one born from Rin tosaka and one born From Mato. his life ended when he formed his reality marble for 40 days try to save hundreds of his employees from the ruble of terrible earthquake at the age of 60.
Present day of Emiya corp is run by Emiya shino. his great grandson. inventor of new grail tech and servent tech and head of Magic Association.shino presently has one daughter and one step son. their name is Emiya Rin and Emiya ieyasu. they are both decendent of Shirou.
Ch 1 (IE's point of veiw)
this is just another monday morning. ever since age of 5. i lived in Rin's house. eating breakfest with her, going school with her, and learning magic with her. but she is good at every thing she does except the morning race. when ever i told her to give up she always says i can not upset the name of her grandma(well Great Grand ma Rin is Actually known as hero of Grail war and genius who came up with theory of combining magic and technology.) this is just another day she well try to beat me in morning race to school. but it fell strange today as if something was wrong. this feeling of mine is never wrong. until i heard my father in the study....
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mbc2085 wrote...
Prologue:it has been 200 years since 5th holy grail war has ended. the grail was believed to be destroyed. but truth is grail took another form to escape its fate. years later Emiya shirou Formed Emiya corp had good life and had 2 sons. one born from Rin tosaka and one born From Mato. his life ended when he formed his reality marble for 40 days try to save hundreds of his employees from the ruble of terrible earthquake at the age of 60.
Present day of Emiya corp is run by Emiya shino. his great grandson. inventor of new grail tech and servent tech and head of Magic Association.shino presently has one daughter and one step son. their name is Emiya Rin and Emiya ieyasu. they are both decendent of Shirou.
Ch 1 (IE's point of veiw)
this is just another monday morning. ever since age of 5. i lived in Rin's house. eating breakfest with her, going school with her, and learning magic with her. but she is good at every thing she does except the morning race. when ever i told her to give up she always says i can not upset the name of her grandma(well Great Grand ma Rin is Actually known as hero of Grail war and genius who came up with theory of combining magic and technology.) this is just another day she well try to beat me in morning race to school. but it fell strange today as if something was wrong. this feeling of mine is never wrong. until i heard my father in the study....
please tell me if there is something wrong suggestions.
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I can't really say anything about this 1st chapter. The intro was quick and straight to the point, but it left some confusing points. I am hoping you'll clear them up in the upcoming chapters.
The 1st chapter is too short to even be considered a chapter. Either make it longer or merge the "1st chapter" with the prologue.
Also, fix your typos.
The 1st chapter is too short to even be considered a chapter. Either make it longer or merge the "1st chapter" with the prologue.
Also, fix your typos.
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ch 2
Shino: what do you mean the grail war was the signal?
Sectretary: well, we managed to pull some of the files from old MA. and this some researched on all the grail war and its grail pattern.
Shino: and????
Secretary: we came to this result.
Shino: (reading result) are you sure??
Secretary: yes we conformed it from both Vatican and Message left by AZTEC and other records.
Shino: so he is coming back.....We must take immidiate action. But make sure this is A Rank Class File. NO better yet burn this..( throwing into fire place). Make sure New Grail tech Department is ready for this. this may be the reason Emiya corp was born. Commance operation 6th. send the same for Vatican.
( sound of door creek)
Shino: who is there???
Rin? IE? is that you???
( IE walks in)
IE: sorry dad, i was just passing by.
whats going on??
Shino: ... nothing. .... umm aren't you going to school boy???
IE:well i wasjust waiting for Rin and...( Rin runs by and saying something)
Rin:......... sorry for keeping you wait, and i will win this time and who ever looses pay for lunch.........(within 10 second).
IE: what the??? sorry dad gotta go....(running after rin)
Shino: ..... what just happened here?????...............
on the way to school
(Rin stops)
IE:..h hh.hhh. i finally got ya.Rin. thanks..
Rin: So you heard. well but this is still a bet..(turning around) .. any way what do you think about it?
IE: Well i don't know whats going on. do you?
Rin: well i think something is going to happen. or its the new magi tech. we have to see. uh oh we are going to be late hurry. (ch2 pt 1 ends)
Shino: what do you mean the grail war was the signal?
Sectretary: well, we managed to pull some of the files from old MA. and this some researched on all the grail war and its grail pattern.
Shino: and????
Secretary: we came to this result.
Shino: (reading result) are you sure??
Secretary: yes we conformed it from both Vatican and Message left by AZTEC and other records.
Shino: so he is coming back.....We must take immidiate action. But make sure this is A Rank Class File. NO better yet burn this..( throwing into fire place). Make sure New Grail tech Department is ready for this. this may be the reason Emiya corp was born. Commance operation 6th. send the same for Vatican.
( sound of door creek)
Shino: who is there???
Rin? IE? is that you???
( IE walks in)
IE: sorry dad, i was just passing by.
whats going on??
Shino: ... nothing. .... umm aren't you going to school boy???
IE:well i wasjust waiting for Rin and...( Rin runs by and saying something)
Rin:......... sorry for keeping you wait, and i will win this time and who ever looses pay for lunch.........(within 10 second).
IE: what the??? sorry dad gotta go....(running after rin)
Shino: ..... what just happened here?????...............
on the way to school
(Rin stops)
IE:..h hh.hhh. i finally got ya.Rin. thanks..
Rin: So you heard. well but this is still a bet..(turning around) .. any way what do you think about it?
IE: Well i don't know whats going on. do you?
Rin: well i think something is going to happen. or its the new magi tech. we have to see. uh oh we are going to be late hurry. (ch2 pt 1 ends)
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Chapter 2: 4/10
Exactly what I had in mind. Then I reread it and went "oh"
First of all, not to discourage you, but that way of typing is sloppy:
IE:well i wasjust waiting for Rin and...( Rin runs by and saying something)
Rin:......... sorry for keeping you wait, and i will win this time and who ever looses pay for lunch.........(within 10 second).
IE: what the??? sorry dad gotta go....(running after rin)
^
Doing those things means that you cannot fully convey the whole scene into words. That can pretty much turn off the reader AND confuse him more.
But now that I suspect that you're a beginner in writing, it's a great idea to use the names:
Shino: what do you mean the grail war was the signal?
Shino: and????
Secretary: we came to this result.
^
Yeah, those ones.
SO, all in all, this could've been a good chapter, though it's too short for my taste. You just need to improve on bringing the scene to life. For now, that is all.
mbc2085 wrote...
Shino: ..... what just happened here?????...............Exactly what I had in mind. Then I reread it and went "oh"
First of all, not to discourage you, but that way of typing is sloppy:
IE:well i wasjust waiting for Rin and...( Rin runs by and saying something)
Rin:......... sorry for keeping you wait, and i will win this time and who ever looses pay for lunch.........(within 10 second).
IE: what the??? sorry dad gotta go....(running after rin)
^
Doing those things means that you cannot fully convey the whole scene into words. That can pretty much turn off the reader AND confuse him more.
But now that I suspect that you're a beginner in writing, it's a great idea to use the names:
Shino: what do you mean the grail war was the signal?
Shino: and????
Secretary: we came to this result.
^
Yeah, those ones.
SO, all in all, this could've been a good chapter, though it's too short for my taste. You just need to improve on bringing the scene to life. For now, that is all.