Houston, we have lif-...oh shit, never mind.
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So here I am, drifting, Sputnik in a vacuum, amusing myself any way I can to keep myself above water. The metaphors have been mixed, but they're still true, fighting the tide, feeling my limbs go numb in the bleakness of creation. My head, a place I rarely want to be, is the only place I spend any great deal of time, and I get really tired of it as I get more and more comfortable. Just drifting out in the blackness, eyes narrowed, straining to see.
Then suddenly, it happens, bright like Apollo, brilliant like Helios, up in the distance. It looks like something...something where there was nothing. She messages me, seeing the beacon I put out years ago, brushing past the defeatism and finding something only whispered about and manufactured by politicians- Hope! She reaches out and I reach back, nervous, heart thudding against my ribs, relieved and terrified all at once...I've been drifting for so long, what do I do at the shore? I panic as I talk with her, exchanging words, fantasies, making plans...the beginnings of something, something small, but dear god man, small is bigger than nothing! With wings of wax I want to make a beeline to my goal, all the while telling myself, "All you have to do, is not fuck it up. All you have to do, is the opposite of what you always do."
And so, taking the advice to heart this time, I did what I always do. I waited...perhaps longer than I should have...I didn't think of things I would need to do until the last minute. Gee, this clothes sure smell like myself, maybe I should wash them. Boy, this part of my body is hard to get to in the shower, maybe finally run a bath to sit down, without fear of the water hitting your face(long story, very fun phobia.). All the while, I play it cool with her, well, cool as I can play it, hoping she doesn't notice me melting from the heat. The night before the day comes. Just sleep...wake up early, and it will all go off without a hitch.
I don't sleep, not until 6 in the morning, after tossing, turning, going through every variable of the encounter in my head, any embarrassing mishap that might occur, and how I can potentially play it off, wondering how to present myself in a comely fashion, yet presenting myself in a way that doesn't look like I'm presenting myself. "Do you go the badass route? Humble? Is this a chess game, or is it Checkers? Or is there even a board to play on, even points to worry about?" This all happens repeatedly, nonstop, until finally I just have to give up and go on the computer for a bit, talking about videogames and wrestling and mindlessness until my brain drowns itself in little things. Keep the fucker occupied, I'm on to it's shit by now! But I'll have to set the clock...from 9, to 10. Perfect, I'll just wake up at 10, brisk and alert despite usually waking up with the speed of a Sloth drowning in tar.
The day comes...I wake up at 10. No, it's at 12, sleep 'till 11. Look at those red eyes, those aren't going to win anyone over. I sleep some more, feeling refreshed enough to lament waking up, that'll have to be good enough! I dress fast as I can, make sure my teeth have some semblance of cleanliness, oh dear god look at this, and that, and that! I waste time cleaning up here and there, ignoring that I'm totally rocking a Bieber. Feverish brushing for 19 minutes hasn't changed it, let it go, you can play it off later, some little thing to laugh at. "Oh, this hairdo? Ce la vie!" Deflect the usual personal questions from family who don't understand my requirement for absolute solitude and secrecy sometimes. It's fine, I've grown up to it, I adapt and love them anyway. And now, at 11:30, I'm out the door!
I take shortcuts and cut through the nearby college campus, the back of my mind screaming at the humidity. "No, NO! You're starting to sweat, you're starting to smell like humanity! Humanity isn't a perfectly sculpted, crafted image, you fool!" There's nothing to do about it now, just keep going, jogging at points, getting there...at 12? 12:05? 12:10? No matter, I go into the Cafe, ignoring the looks from the employees as I don't order anything, but rather, wait at a table, a table near a window, so that I can be seen by any arriving visitors. I switch this up with waiting at a table outside a few times, wondering which direction she'll come from, wondering if my shirt looks ok...it doesn't, not with that spare tire, but I ignore this for now. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait...and wait.
Fuck. She isn't gonna show, is she? I didn't get the impression that she'd stand me up, but I've been wrong before. The back of my mind grows angry, and also frustrated that I don't have anything to contact her with...there's a nearby library but that's a long walk. So...do I wait here and risk her growing frustrated if she's trying to contact me somehow? Or do I make the walk and miss her, because she's late for some reason?
I wait, what feels like an hour, but might have only been 10 minutes or so, but I bite the bullet, make the walk in the muggy heat, and plop myself down at a computer.
"Hey, are you ok? Are you alright?" I send her this, once on a few networks, something for everything except e-mail. I don't think she'd send it by e-mail first if she sent anything, would she? Why would someone do that? That's silly.
So I wait, I pass the time by looking at games, and fetlife(After turning off all images in the options.), until I get an answer.
"I was there. Earlier. Not going back." This piques my curiosity, and throwing any idea of "smooth" to the curb and stomping the back of it's skull, I send her a few messages in a few minutes, asking her when she was there, putting my own earlier feelings on hold as I try to console her...I get nothing back, I know she's ignoring me...nothing to do about it, I walk back home...
Well, I'm intercepted on the way, and this being Mississippi, you can't just get food, you have to consolidate your trips. First the store, then food, then go check the mail at the postal office, etc etc etc. Honestly, this has no place in a self-centered, woe-filled rant, let's just skip it.
So, I get back home, and decide, finally, to check the e-mail, being a genius. I read:
"Hey, I waited for 15 minutes. Not cool." Sent, 11:16.
Jesus fucking christ, she was there at 11, and most likely thinks I cruelly stood her up. I'll be lucky if she responds back, in any fashion.
Oh well, what's more drifting, right? Drifting's fun. Weeeeee.
Then suddenly, it happens, bright like Apollo, brilliant like Helios, up in the distance. It looks like something...something where there was nothing. She messages me, seeing the beacon I put out years ago, brushing past the defeatism and finding something only whispered about and manufactured by politicians- Hope! She reaches out and I reach back, nervous, heart thudding against my ribs, relieved and terrified all at once...I've been drifting for so long, what do I do at the shore? I panic as I talk with her, exchanging words, fantasies, making plans...the beginnings of something, something small, but dear god man, small is bigger than nothing! With wings of wax I want to make a beeline to my goal, all the while telling myself, "All you have to do, is not fuck it up. All you have to do, is the opposite of what you always do."
And so, taking the advice to heart this time, I did what I always do. I waited...perhaps longer than I should have...I didn't think of things I would need to do until the last minute. Gee, this clothes sure smell like myself, maybe I should wash them. Boy, this part of my body is hard to get to in the shower, maybe finally run a bath to sit down, without fear of the water hitting your face(long story, very fun phobia.). All the while, I play it cool with her, well, cool as I can play it, hoping she doesn't notice me melting from the heat. The night before the day comes. Just sleep...wake up early, and it will all go off without a hitch.
I don't sleep, not until 6 in the morning, after tossing, turning, going through every variable of the encounter in my head, any embarrassing mishap that might occur, and how I can potentially play it off, wondering how to present myself in a comely fashion, yet presenting myself in a way that doesn't look like I'm presenting myself. "Do you go the badass route? Humble? Is this a chess game, or is it Checkers? Or is there even a board to play on, even points to worry about?" This all happens repeatedly, nonstop, until finally I just have to give up and go on the computer for a bit, talking about videogames and wrestling and mindlessness until my brain drowns itself in little things. Keep the fucker occupied, I'm on to it's shit by now! But I'll have to set the clock...from 9, to 10. Perfect, I'll just wake up at 10, brisk and alert despite usually waking up with the speed of a Sloth drowning in tar.
The day comes...I wake up at 10. No, it's at 12, sleep 'till 11. Look at those red eyes, those aren't going to win anyone over. I sleep some more, feeling refreshed enough to lament waking up, that'll have to be good enough! I dress fast as I can, make sure my teeth have some semblance of cleanliness, oh dear god look at this, and that, and that! I waste time cleaning up here and there, ignoring that I'm totally rocking a Bieber. Feverish brushing for 19 minutes hasn't changed it, let it go, you can play it off later, some little thing to laugh at. "Oh, this hairdo? Ce la vie!" Deflect the usual personal questions from family who don't understand my requirement for absolute solitude and secrecy sometimes. It's fine, I've grown up to it, I adapt and love them anyway. And now, at 11:30, I'm out the door!
I take shortcuts and cut through the nearby college campus, the back of my mind screaming at the humidity. "No, NO! You're starting to sweat, you're starting to smell like humanity! Humanity isn't a perfectly sculpted, crafted image, you fool!" There's nothing to do about it now, just keep going, jogging at points, getting there...at 12? 12:05? 12:10? No matter, I go into the Cafe, ignoring the looks from the employees as I don't order anything, but rather, wait at a table, a table near a window, so that I can be seen by any arriving visitors. I switch this up with waiting at a table outside a few times, wondering which direction she'll come from, wondering if my shirt looks ok...it doesn't, not with that spare tire, but I ignore this for now. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait...and wait.
Fuck. She isn't gonna show, is she? I didn't get the impression that she'd stand me up, but I've been wrong before. The back of my mind grows angry, and also frustrated that I don't have anything to contact her with...there's a nearby library but that's a long walk. So...do I wait here and risk her growing frustrated if she's trying to contact me somehow? Or do I make the walk and miss her, because she's late for some reason?
I wait, what feels like an hour, but might have only been 10 minutes or so, but I bite the bullet, make the walk in the muggy heat, and plop myself down at a computer.
"Hey, are you ok? Are you alright?" I send her this, once on a few networks, something for everything except e-mail. I don't think she'd send it by e-mail first if she sent anything, would she? Why would someone do that? That's silly.
So I wait, I pass the time by looking at games, and fetlife(After turning off all images in the options.), until I get an answer.
"I was there. Earlier. Not going back." This piques my curiosity, and throwing any idea of "smooth" to the curb and stomping the back of it's skull, I send her a few messages in a few minutes, asking her when she was there, putting my own earlier feelings on hold as I try to console her...I get nothing back, I know she's ignoring me...nothing to do about it, I walk back home...
Well, I'm intercepted on the way, and this being Mississippi, you can't just get food, you have to consolidate your trips. First the store, then food, then go check the mail at the postal office, etc etc etc. Honestly, this has no place in a self-centered, woe-filled rant, let's just skip it.
So, I get back home, and decide, finally, to check the e-mail, being a genius. I read:
"Hey, I waited for 15 minutes. Not cool." Sent, 11:16.
Jesus fucking christ, she was there at 11, and most likely thinks I cruelly stood her up. I'll be lucky if she responds back, in any fashion.
Oh well, what's more drifting, right? Drifting's fun. Weeeeee.
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PROTIP: Don't bump your own threads without an update or other important things.
OT:I feel like the story is so jumbled up and non-cohesive in its transitions that I can't appreciate it. The writing isn't 'bad', and as far as I could tell, the story was fine, but it lacked any sort of flow to me. Maybe It is just me though. Anyone else feel like this?
OT:I feel like the story is so jumbled up and non-cohesive in its transitions that I can't appreciate it. The writing isn't 'bad', and as far as I could tell, the story was fine, but it lacked any sort of flow to me. Maybe It is just me though. Anyone else feel like this?