How to drink water in a mug

Author's Notes:


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Do you have any idea how many percentages of dead people that are reported to have drunk water at least once? A shocking 100%! Did you know what those numbers is for those who don’t drink water and die? Also 100%. Did you also know that more people have died from water choking than from a zombie apocalypse? With those statistics and your inevitable death in mind, you may as well start drinking water the right way now. This guide is bought to you by an individual who has spent more than twenty years of his life dedicatedly drinking water every day.

First off, you need to choose the item that you will be drinking with. After all, you wouldn’t want to die with a regrettable look on your face, would you? Making the right choice is utmost crucial. A bottle? Only if you have the spare time caring for the environment by recycling, which you probably don’t since you are busy drinking water. A bucket? A bucket is usually paired with a mop to wipe floors. A cup? We’re not drinking English tea or Chinese herbal tea, remember? A well? This is not the 16th century. The answer is a mug. Mugs are comfortable, portable and fashionable. They are made from glass, so you can use them for a long time without needing to recycle, unless you break them, but that would increase the chances of your death anyway. They come in all shape and size. You can also print pictures on them to make your water drinking experience as enjoyable as possible. Why not look at your favorite perverted pictures while drinking water, right? After you have chosen your mug, preferably about 4 inches tall (that’s about 10 cm in your inferior metrics system) and with a handle, you can start following these steps to drink water safely and awesomely.

• 1. Take out your mug.

• 2. Take out your kettle, preferably with pre-heated water in it. If not, follow steps 3-6 to also learn how to boil water.

• 3. Pour water in the kettle.

• 4. Put the kettle on the oven and turn on the oven.

• 5. Wait about 10 minutes. In the meantime, you can go back to checking your Facebook page to see whether any of your cyber (and additionally fake) friends have also read this guide. If not, share this.

• 6. As soon as you hear that distinctive kettle’s screeching sound, immediately run to the doors and the windows to check if they are securely locked – you wouldn’t want to get stabbed in the back when you’re having a good time drinking water, would you? After making sure they are locked, go back to the kitchen and take the kettle out and turn off the oven. Make this step snappy, or else all that hard work boiling the water will go puffing out of the window, and you will have to repeat steps 3-6.

• 7. Wait another 10 minutes (or just 10 minutes depending on your step 2) for the water to cool down, unless you like to burn your hand, your tongue, your cheeks and your throat. At this point you can take a selfie with your mug and your kettle and upload it onto your Facebook or Instagram or whatever you use. Don’t forget the hashtags #drinkingwater #randomguideontheInternet #selfie #drinkingdoneright

• 8. Pour the water into your mug.

• 9. Put back the kettle.

• 10. Put the mug to the mouth’s height.

• 11. Put your lips onto the mug’s edge, like how you would kiss your girlfriend (or boyfriend), if you have any. Be warned that this instance can feel better than kissing them.

• 12. Tilt the mug 77.5 degrees from the vertical angle, and 77.5 degrees no less, no more. You will not have the adequate amount of water because you tilted less than 77.5 degrees that you have to repeat the drinking process, thus wasting precious time Twitting about this guide and your awesome water drinking experience. Or, you will get all the water that you carefully tend to poured on your new shirt and your magnificent chest (in many ways) because you tilted more than 77.5 degrees, then you also have to waste time doing the laundry and taking a bath, and we already discussed what detrimental effects wasting time would make above.

• 13. Savor the taste. If it is tasteless, be relieved because you boiled the water correctly.

• 14. Don’t drink it all in one gulp, that’s for beer drinking peasants at bars. We’re sophisticated and well-dressed men (or women). Stop at about halfway through the mug. Check if you have enough. You don’t want to go to the bathroom so often; people would think you have problems with your important parts. If you haven’t had enough, go ahead and repeat steps 8-13.

• 15. If you run out of water, repeat steps 3-7.

• 16. After you’re done, wash the mug and the kettle carefully.

• 17. Put them back in the cupboard, or the refrigerator, or the bathroom, or wherever you keep them in, I don’t have hidden cameras in your house.

• 18. Don’t forget to update your status to “Feeling great and refreshing”.

Alternately, you can change up some stuff to elevate your drinking experience. I don’t forbid the use of milk, juices, mineral waters and homemade smoothies instead of water. If you use any of those drinks, do not put them in your kettle and boil them. You can replace the regular kettle with an automatic electronic one to save energy that would be spent in the process of boiling water. After all, we are sophisticated men (or women) that care for the Earth and our wallets. You are also advised to do drink water with tandem with other activities such as watching movies, eating dinner, exercising, having sexy time or having a fight afterwards. And yes, all must be done with a mug, you will also have one thing to throw at each other in the fight, after you’re done drinking the water of course.

I don’t recommend drinking beers or other alcohols here. You can find another guide for that.

Some people are afraid of self-uncontrollability, that they can’t fully comply with this guide and only drink water. It’s totally OK to drink other things once in a while, all with a limitation. If anyone tells you otherwise, don’t listen. Pay no attention to those hypocrites, readers – to deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human. Others fear they can still choke. Sometimes, there is a disturbance in the water force, that makes it goes down the wrong pipe, into the trachea and then into your lungs instead of going into the esophagus which is connected to your stomach, even though there is a little flap of cartilage called the epiglottis sitting near your trachea, supposedly acting as a door, preventing exactly that to happen. Don’t worry, you rarely die from that. Some others even express doubt of my guide, saying “I’ll give it a try”. Do… or do not. There is no try. I wonder why anyone is skeptical of my experience of more than twenty years of dedicatedly drinking water anyway. After all, I’m just your average guy from the Internet, why would I lie to you, right? You just got to believe.

I can assure you, if you correctly follow this guide step by step, you will most definitely live long and prosper.

I really like the heavy tongue-in-cheek use of satire in this. I knew from the first few sentences just what kind of a piece I was walking into, and that means the introduction is effective, at least for me. Although, to be honest, I think I heard an argument like this a couple times before.

I think Leonard would be proud of it.

Everyone is probably doing some kind of food or clothing related process or something specialized in computers or machinery. How to drink water though? Impressive.

I had a lot of fun reading it, and I suppose that is the point in this case. Very nice!

What did you mean when you said you heard an argument like this a couple times before? Are you implying that you have read other water drinking guide on the Internet? Or are you saying that you have seen the style of sarcasm similar to this somewhere else? I hope you enjoyed it either way.



I hope he will be. I didn't have the opportunity to use swear words like you he do though. After all, it is a class assignment.




I'm glad you liked it. I had a lot of fun writing this too. I told a friend who sat near me to write one on how to survive a zombie apocalypse since he didn't know what to write about. I hope the teacher feel the same way as you did about my essay, haha, she looked like a person with a good sense of humor.

Oh, I don't know if 'argument' was the right word, but the first few sentences that 100% of people who have died have drank water is a typical satirical line given to someone to make a point that correlation doesn't always equal causation. It's facetious, like your essay.

I did enjoy it this way, though.

When I first started reading this, I jumped in without looking at the author's notes, so I didn't see the part about satire and was like, "What the hell did you write?" But yeah, as Xenon said, from the very beginning, you're not going to mistake this . . . guide for anything other than what it is. Having said that, satire's not really my thing, but in the experience I have with it, people use it to make a point. I'm not sure what the point is here unless it's to illustrate how stupid how-to guides can be.

Also, for me, the steps dragged on. I can't help but wonder if you need have to 18. They could all serve a purpose, but my first impression is maybe they could be trimmed down a bit.

Some typos and things:



"Did" should be "do" and "those" should be "the".



Crucial is an adjective, so you can't describe it.



Should be "shapes and sizes."



Do you mean off, as in off the stove?



in



This could be three paragraphs. I'm assuming you have them all lumped together because they're three objections that people might have about the guide. Alternatively, you could have a separate paragraph for each objection, which is probably what I'd do. It would be more choppy as opposed to one fluid paragraph, but I think it works just fine here.

It is a classic line alright. Though I won't say it's plagiarism.

Glad you like it.

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It's not a super serious piece of writing. In a typical satire, they try to make a point by pointing out the flaws in the events mentioned in that writing, usually about the 'normal' daily activities. Satires can have deep meanings and be as thought-provoking as any other forms of literature. Don Quixote is an exemplary classic in the satire genre, you should consider reading it. This is mostly for the lolz, lol. If you want to find a point for this, I would say it's quite the opposite of what you think. You know the running Internet joke "Instructions unclear, got dick stuck in '...' "? People sometimes blame guides and manuals even when they are very clear and straight-forward, so I see this as somewhat of a counter-measure to that.



For the glory of Leonard of course. Joke aside, it could have been better.



Choices of words, really.



Should have been "of utmost cruciality", but that just sounds weird.



Noted.



Take the kettle out of the oven? Is it wrong? I'm not sure.



Noted.



For the lolz, really. I dropped a bunch of old sci-fi movies quotes there, so I thought I would make it one paragraph.

Nevermind. The real error of this sentence is is should be are because numbers is plural.



Sounds better than utmost crucial, and it isn't a grammar error. You could just say, "Making the right choice is crucial."



Why would you put a kettle in the oven? Wouldn't you put it on the stove?



I did pick up on the Star Trek one. I'm not sure who wouldn't. I got the feeling this wasn't a serious piece you'd written, but I decided to still treat it like one. Why not make people laugh and have excellent prose at the same time?

Yeah, you got it right.



No, it was a mistake, I acknowledge it. I didn't choose "utmost crucial" because it sounds better, it was a mistake. I would have used 'of utmost importance', but then I changed 'importance' into crucial and then proceeded to forget 'of', too.



Yeah, what I meant was the stove. It's the one appliance in the kitchen that I keep forgetting the name. It's a funny story, too. You should know that people in the Eastern countries (or at least here in Vietnam) like me don't usually have ovens in our homes (I have traveled to several other Eastern Asian countries and they don't typically have them either). I had one installed in my house recently though. But for Americans like yourself, you guys always have ovens in your houses, right? And they are usually combined with the stoves (the stoves are on top and the ovens in the bottom). So when I used to learn English in my elementary school, the book was from the US and it would show me a drawing of a oven with a stove on top when the lesson is about kitchen appliances. So it's like a mental note for me that whenever I think of the stove in English, I would always get a image of the oven with the stove on it, and I would always remember it as a oven.

The same goes when I used to watch Tom and Jerry as a kid, so I blame the show.



Some from the Star Wars and The Matrix too, but I guess if you're not a die-hard fan, most people won't recognize it unless they're pointed out. I like those two series a lot more than Star Trek, but I included the Star Trek quote because it was pretty recognizable.

Star Wars:

• "I felt a great disturbance in the Force." - Obi-Wan Kenobi.

• “I’ll give it a try”. - Luke Skywalker
  "Do… or do not. There is no try." - Master Yoda

The Matrix:

• "Pay no attention to those hypocrites, Neo – to deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human." - Mouse

I would say it wasn't so bad, but I also think it could have been better.

Alright, it makes much more sense now. I've heard it mentioned before that houses in countries in that region tend to not have ovens. To be honest, I forgot you're not from around here. You're English is pretty good.



I disagree strongly with that.

I creid eevrey tiem.

Seriously though, it amazes me how even native English speakers like Americans are stewpeed enough to get "You're" and "Your" wrongly.

Btw, what is the oven and stove combined called? A 'stoven'?



This would turn into a heated discussion between ourselves which could involves adopting a dog and global warming issues somewhere down the lines if I was the screenplay writer for that movie, but it's a shame that I'm not. You can't argue with a movie quote, dude. Nevertheless, even when The Matrix is one of my all time favorite sci-fi movies, I'm also not in favor of every psychological points of argument it brought up. It's a really great movie anyway, you should totally watch it if you haven't.

It seems like such a simple thing to get wrong, but it makes sense when you think about it. Most of the time, I don't spot bad grammar by thinking about the rules. As a native speaker, I tend to just think about what sounds right or wrong. And you're and your sound exactly the same.



I don't think there is a word for it. It's just a stove on top of an oven.



No, but you can argue about it.



I've heard lots of praise for it. I should probably watch it. Hell, my brother bought the dvd not that long ago.