Just another story
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Title- (I haven't thought of one yet)
Chapter One- Minutes to Midnight
Auhsoj struggled to keep his weary eyes open. It had been a good fifteen hours since he last slept - or was it twenty? He took a glance at his watch - A w2207h, an expensive present from his aunt. He rarely wore his watch. Not because it was expensive, but a combination of it being rather big (or him being thin) and the tendancy of him smacking it into objects that seemingly weren't there a moment ago caused him to keep it in his locker most of the time. Except for important events. Guard duty was one such event.
Ten O five.
Two more hours eh? Fuck.
He needed something to look forward to, and he found that besides sleep, there were plenty more. Anime, manga, his computer and of course, the doujinshi. With what he was looking forward to now saftely thought out, Auhsoj looked eagerly at his watch, expecting that at the very least, ten minutes had passed.
Ten O six . With five seconds.
Fuck.
Times like this he wished he had honestly declined that army scholarship three years ago. Back then it didn't seem like a big deal. Getting a scholarship was something prestigious, something grand. Useful in resumes and more importantly, for comparison against cousins.
Now he fucking regretted it. Not only was he stuck serving the army for five years (He had four years left), he was stuck serving it when there was a fucking war.
Ten ten. A significant improvement.
Susej finally came back to the machine gun nest - A room with said machine gun pointing out towards an open field. Auhsoj greeted him with his right hand, curled into the shape of a fist, save his middle finger.
"Took you long enough. Sergeant Sesom walked past five minutes ago." Augsoj said in a hushed whisper.
"Sorry, I don't have a thing for lolis." Susej grinned as he handed Auhsoj back his doujinshi.
The two of them were close friends. Both went to the same schools at the three different education stages of their lives. Like Auhsoj, Susej also received the army scholarship. Auhsoj grabbed his doujin back and snarled,
"You didn't dirty it right? And you DID wash your hands?"
Susej nodded, opened his water canteen and turned it upside down. "See?"
Auhsoj was about to reply when a loud bang defeaned his ears and threw both him and Susej across the room and against the wall. The sounds of gunfire erupted, followed by screams of pain. Auhsoj was the first of the two to open his eyes.
"Fuck Susej! They're fucking here! We're under motherfucking attack!"
Susej moaned in reply. Auhsoj picked up his rifle and struggled to stand up. Then staggered as he tried to pull Susej up. That was when he noticed a short wooden stick impaling his friend's leg.Susej, left hand held in the air by Auhsoj shifty his glance from him to his leg and back again to Auhsoj. Both men were silent as the gunfire, explosions and the screams continued.
Sergeant Sesom half crouched, half ran into the room. "We're getting out of here guys, they've got fucking armor and we-" His sentence was interrupted by his own gaze. As though there were some kind of unspoken plan between him and Auhsoj, both men lifted Susej up and placed him between their shoulders. The three of them staggered out of the room into the corridor. The three of them managed to move outside the building. Just before a motar round landed three meters ahead of them. That was when Auhsoj blacked out.
Auhsoj was awoken when he the cold, unforgiving sting of water smacked his face. Sergeant Sesom's smiled at him as he opened his eyes.
"Good to see you are awake boy." Auhsoj was in a truck. It took awhile for him to realize how he got there. However, Susej for some reason, filled his head. And he looked into the Sergeant's eyes and whispered Susej's name. Sergeant Sesom's smile faded away and he turned his head away.
"He... I don't know what happened to him. When that motar round landed,he was thrown near the entrance of the building. Then their HutS broke through the wall next to him. A couple of our boys helped both of us into the truck, but Susej was too far away..."
Auhsoj felt a sensation in his heart. The kind of sensation one faces under pressure mixed with the feeling of anxiety when you have done something wrong. It was almost too much for him to handle. No, it was too much for him to handle. Auhsoj let out a whelp of a moan before passing out. But not before catching a glance of the Sergeant's watch.
Eleven fifty-nine.
A great improvement.
------------------------------Chapter One end-----------------------------
Rawr there will be moar soon. Hopefully you enjoyed this. I've yet to think up what this war is about and opposing sides which explains the lack of countries etc.
Btw the three names Auhsoj, Susej and Sesom. Rearrange the letters in the names and you get three different names . =P
Chapter One- Minutes to Midnight
Auhsoj struggled to keep his weary eyes open. It had been a good fifteen hours since he last slept - or was it twenty? He took a glance at his watch - A w2207h, an expensive present from his aunt. He rarely wore his watch. Not because it was expensive, but a combination of it being rather big (or him being thin) and the tendancy of him smacking it into objects that seemingly weren't there a moment ago caused him to keep it in his locker most of the time. Except for important events. Guard duty was one such event.
Ten O five.
Two more hours eh? Fuck.
He needed something to look forward to, and he found that besides sleep, there were plenty more. Anime, manga, his computer and of course, the doujinshi. With what he was looking forward to now saftely thought out, Auhsoj looked eagerly at his watch, expecting that at the very least, ten minutes had passed.
Ten O six . With five seconds.
Fuck.
Times like this he wished he had honestly declined that army scholarship three years ago. Back then it didn't seem like a big deal. Getting a scholarship was something prestigious, something grand. Useful in resumes and more importantly, for comparison against cousins.
Now he fucking regretted it. Not only was he stuck serving the army for five years (He had four years left), he was stuck serving it when there was a fucking war.
Ten ten. A significant improvement.
Susej finally came back to the machine gun nest - A room with said machine gun pointing out towards an open field. Auhsoj greeted him with his right hand, curled into the shape of a fist, save his middle finger.
"Took you long enough. Sergeant Sesom walked past five minutes ago." Augsoj said in a hushed whisper.
"Sorry, I don't have a thing for lolis." Susej grinned as he handed Auhsoj back his doujinshi.
The two of them were close friends. Both went to the same schools at the three different education stages of their lives. Like Auhsoj, Susej also received the army scholarship. Auhsoj grabbed his doujin back and snarled,
"You didn't dirty it right? And you DID wash your hands?"
Susej nodded, opened his water canteen and turned it upside down. "See?"
Auhsoj was about to reply when a loud bang defeaned his ears and threw both him and Susej across the room and against the wall. The sounds of gunfire erupted, followed by screams of pain. Auhsoj was the first of the two to open his eyes.
"Fuck Susej! They're fucking here! We're under motherfucking attack!"
Susej moaned in reply. Auhsoj picked up his rifle and struggled to stand up. Then staggered as he tried to pull Susej up. That was when he noticed a short wooden stick impaling his friend's leg.Susej, left hand held in the air by Auhsoj shifty his glance from him to his leg and back again to Auhsoj. Both men were silent as the gunfire, explosions and the screams continued.
Sergeant Sesom half crouched, half ran into the room. "We're getting out of here guys, they've got fucking armor and we-" His sentence was interrupted by his own gaze. As though there were some kind of unspoken plan between him and Auhsoj, both men lifted Susej up and placed him between their shoulders. The three of them staggered out of the room into the corridor. The three of them managed to move outside the building. Just before a motar round landed three meters ahead of them. That was when Auhsoj blacked out.
Auhsoj was awoken when he the cold, unforgiving sting of water smacked his face. Sergeant Sesom's smiled at him as he opened his eyes.
"Good to see you are awake boy." Auhsoj was in a truck. It took awhile for him to realize how he got there. However, Susej for some reason, filled his head. And he looked into the Sergeant's eyes and whispered Susej's name. Sergeant Sesom's smile faded away and he turned his head away.
"He... I don't know what happened to him. When that motar round landed,he was thrown near the entrance of the building. Then their HutS broke through the wall next to him. A couple of our boys helped both of us into the truck, but Susej was too far away..."
Auhsoj felt a sensation in his heart. The kind of sensation one faces under pressure mixed with the feeling of anxiety when you have done something wrong. It was almost too much for him to handle. No, it was too much for him to handle. Auhsoj let out a whelp of a moan before passing out. But not before catching a glance of the Sergeant's watch.
Eleven fifty-nine.
A great improvement.
------------------------------Chapter One end-----------------------------
Rawr there will be moar soon. Hopefully you enjoyed this. I've yet to think up what this war is about and opposing sides which explains the lack of countries etc.
Btw the three names Auhsoj, Susej and Sesom. Rearrange the letters in the names and you get three different names . =P
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Decent, although a couple of basic writing errors (spelling, grammar) are present.
I'm not a great fan of prose about the military (never liked Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six series despite a few of my friends going nuts over them), so my criticism is perhaps unfair, but I feel it's missing some momentum. At the moment, it reads like a bunch of discontinuous events strung together. I understand you're perhaps trying to capture the feeling of rushed time when under attack or something, but it doesn't capture the reader.
I hope these comments help; I'm not trying to discourage you in any way, but trying to provide some pointers as to how you might want to improve your writing.
And yes, I noticed what you did with the names. Is there some underlying biblical reference in the story?
I'm not a great fan of prose about the military (never liked Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six series despite a few of my friends going nuts over them), so my criticism is perhaps unfair, but I feel it's missing some momentum. At the moment, it reads like a bunch of discontinuous events strung together. I understand you're perhaps trying to capture the feeling of rushed time when under attack or something, but it doesn't capture the reader.
I hope these comments help; I'm not trying to discourage you in any way, but trying to provide some pointers as to how you might want to improve your writing.
And yes, I noticed what you did with the names. Is there some underlying biblical reference in the story?
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Hmm, a bit rushed in my opinion, but still better than a lot of crap I've found. I would say you could be a little more descriptive; it was slightly chaotic, but I didn't think it added to the overall feeling of the story. Just pad it out a little more, and it could be way better, yeah? =P
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I got a little confused in there, but enjoyed it. Seems rather short now, but short isn't necessarily bad.
Don't suppose Susej will come back to life 3 days later? Or maybe he didn't die at all? Love to think of the possible outcomes of this story. I'll admit that it wasn't a particularly strong introduction to the story, but I think that it is setting up for a great overall plot.
Just throwing this in:-
Betrayal is awesome.
Don't suppose Susej will come back to life 3 days later? Or maybe he didn't die at all? Love to think of the possible outcomes of this story. I'll admit that it wasn't a particularly strong introduction to the story, but I think that it is setting up for a great overall plot.
Just throwing this in:-
Betrayal is awesome.