Keeping Life Real

...It was just a few words. But it seems that this is gonna be a good one. Hoping you post the 2nd one.

Mentality?

it was ahh.....differnt ill give u that but before i really say anything i need more....

What do you mean by "mentality?" xD, then I can answer.

Anyways, glad you two (somewhat)liked it. I'll be sure to write up the second chapter, and hopefully make my words a little less choppy and the scenario less confusing.

Continuing on with the series, now returning to the roots of where everything began. It's probably going to start out a bit cliche, but thats how stories tend to go. And I've sort of chaned the bracket style and stuff, from now on, sound effects will be in asterisks. And bolded.

Also, here's the backdrop and layout, and some off you more perceptive people may be able to connect these two pointers I'm giving you to Act One.
1. It is the year 2018
2. The AIDs virus has changed composition so violently that it spreads now through saliva(including the already known causes of spread)(and only if it is deep kissing, or french as some like to call it), only people of the O+, O-, AB, B+, and A- are ever effected by it(though anyone can carry it). Also, it now causes psychological change.
3. School grades are now based from highest to lowest like this:
S, E++, E+, A, B, 3, 2, 1


{START}

Act Two: Nomen

*tap, tap, tap*

"Mmmmhmmm...mmm"

*tap, tap, tap*

Opening my eyes slowly, blurs fixes into still yet fluid images of my room.

*tap, tap, tap*

What's that damned sound? It fucking woke me up...
Oh, birds... Summer... Smells like eggs are cooking...
As my thoughts converge, my eyes glaze over with the thought of falling asleep once more in the sun's warm rays and the serenity of the morning... and then I spot the calendar on the wall, and realize why someone is cooking eggs.
"GOD DAMMIT!"
School starts today.
As I start to get up, a few thoughts trail into my head:[school, food, shower, books, boredom, girls, friends, senior year, video games, 2018]... wait a second...
"Girls...", I say with a smile.

While I get to the school, let me tell you a little bit about myself...
While my grades aren't bad, the only grade I repeatedly get is a E+, or A's. The only thing my teacher's commend me for is my science freelance research papers, saying I'm a "genius" and all that bullshit. I like to spend my time at home reading Wikipedia, playing videogames, researching medical books, and watching anime.

[I get in the car]

I liked playing around with girls, as many of them judge men nowadays based on looks, and I have to say, I look pretty damn good. Not the most masculine as can be, but pretty damn sexy.

[Get out of the car, and look around at my new school, Medical Pavi Univ.]

I go to school in California, and I've lived here my entire live-long damned life.

[Bell rings, and I realize, still have a long way to the classroom!]

Oh yea, and I'm 17, 6'0.5, and love girls shorter than me, they seem kindy kinky.

[I arrive at the classroom, 60071BC, and open the door, late i presume.]

I'm of a American/Korean descent...

[The teacher looks at me, then all the seated students, and presumes to open her mouth.]

["Now that we get to meet your mister, could I possibly get..."]

By the way, my name is...

["... your name?"]

"Jack Dylan Ebis, nice to meet all you"

And of course, I have to put on my most sexy looking smile because I looked around for girls. And boy, are there girls.

{END}

Critism and other acknowledged. If you want me to change me writing style to third-person or some else than confusing first person, I'll take it into consideration :)
Also, if you like this story so far, please say something, even if you don't like it. And I promise to make the chapters more exciting and worth-reading from now, this was just the prelude afterall.
I think I did pretty bad on this chapter, but yeah :) By the way, making two different particles of speech collide dramatically is hard, as you can see from my crappy effort up there at the end.

If this is supposed to be a play or script, it's ok. If it's an actual story, it sucks. There, I said it. Since I can't see any evidence to believe otherwise, I'll just treat it as a play, yeah?

The second chapter/act was pretty badly strung together, and to me, it's odd how you've written the piece so that the main character is both breaking the fourth wall and narrating his own life. The character's personality also seems to be that of a "perfect character" and it's like it has fallen out of a comic book. Not cliche, it just seems fake.

However, the first chapter/act was good, and it did leave me wanting more although it does seem a little rushed.

Overall, looking past the pacing, grammatical problems and overuse of minor sentences, it's alright but it needs a major rewrite to get up to a good read. As it's just a relaxation tool for you, I suppose it doesn't really matter, though I'd recommend honing your writing skills first

Oh, haha, thanks. I was actually expecting more of a negative comment. :)
I completely agree though, the second chaptr was strung together badly. Maybe I'll rework it. But it kinda was meant to be written as a play xD So I guess that worked out.

Changed writing style somewhat from my horrid send chapter, still using first-person though.

___________________________________________________________________________
{START} |
Act Three: Exceptions to the Name |
___________________________________________________________________________
"Damn, how did I get myself into this situation."
I look around the room. Detention sure is boring... nothing but a bunch of idiots in here. And no girls. I grin to myself and realize that I just labeled myself an idiot. SOmebody's inching towards me... oh, it's that curly-haired kid from homeroom... what was his name...?
"Hey, whatr'ya in here for Jack?"
"Call me Dylan."
"But you introdu-"
"Call me JACK", I said, giving him my most violent glare.
He replies with an equally indifferent tone, "Fine, Dylan. As I was asking, what got you landed in detention?"
"Eh, I gave the teacher a half-assed answer."
"What was his question?"
"Oh, my age. Told him it was 24, by the way, what's your name anyways?"
"Mine?"
I roll my eyes, "Yes, yours, why the fuck did I ask you the goddamn question?"
"Touchy aren't ya? Well, my names Bruce Connery. Nice to meet ya. So, how old are you anyways?"
"17. Now, my hours over, cya."
I walk out of the classroom and away from his awed face. Guh, same face as everyone else I've told my age to. They all say something to kiss-up, like [You're so smart] or [Wow, man, that's insane, you're a genius].
As I wonder how I'll deal with that Bruno kid or whatever tomorrow, a girl runs around the corner and bumps into me.
"Ouch! Oh my god, I'm so sorry!"
Quickly observing her, I notice that she isn't much. Her hair is dark brown or black, her breasts are a B-cup at the most.
I thought this was a university? Why is she so small and... undeveloped?
"Kkaaaaaa...", I let out a sigh of confusion. "OK, tell me this straight, how old are you?"
Woah, a fire. Orrrr, that's just her face. Blushing. She must be surprised that I just suddenly asked her a question.
"Um, er..."
"Yes?"
In a tiny, tiny voice she says, "I thought all of the younger people knew..."
Ugh, I absolutely HATE when people talk like this, so slow and indecisive.
"Stop mumbling and tell me!" I explode at her timid figure.

___________________________________________________________________________


"Stop moving, Jesus fucking Christ!"
"Hey, it's not my goddamn fault that girl can slap so har- ouch!"
I look around at my new transferred classroom. I guess in a way, I have to thank that mysterious girl from earlier today for showing me this room so I could start attending classes with people my age, other geniuses, not idiots. But then again, she slapped me.
"OK, I'm done now"
"Thanks for your trouble", I grunt as I get up from the chair and take a look at the mirror. Besides from the giant lump covered with some layers of bandage to stop the bleeding caused by the nails, I look OK. Pretending to still be cool, I turn around and address the girl who helped to clean my wounds.
"Hey, thanks."
"Keh, stop messing around with Rin, she's actually very sensitive. Not like you'd know."
Oh, that was that chicks name.
"What's your name?"
"Jane Aricks. And no, I won't go out with you, you horny bastard."
Ouch, this girl really knows how to hit a hard spot. And dayum, she hit that hard spot pretty accurately. That was exactly what I was going to ask. I try to stop me anger from bursting out as I reply, "I wasn't going to ask".
"Well good, now if you'll excuse me, I have to console a crying girl", she says as she slams to classroom door behind her, leaving myself that only person inside.
Well, I can't blame her, I bet she wants to leave quickly, I mean, it's already 5 pm, and she looks like the type that doesn't want to bother with school. But she was a looker, with long slender legs, medium sized breasts, strawberry blonde hair tied into pony-tails...
I take one last look around the classroom and notice something. Engraved in one of the desks are the words [Rin and Jane forever] along with... some red stains? What the...? I look around, and notice the classroom beginning to turn dark.
"Oh shit, I hate schools at night, fucking scary", I say to noone in particular, and speed out the door, nearly colliding with Rin and Jane.
I take a look at them, and they both stare at me, porbably thinking I was a ghost.
"WAIT! What's your name?"
"Eh?", I reply, stunned, because it wasn't Jane that asked, it was Rin. And looking at Jane's face, I see she's equally surprised.
"Uh, my name's...", then I think to myself, this is a girl, and a cute one right next to her!
"You can call me Jack!", I say as I run off to my car.

{END}
__________________________________________________________________________

Ok, so in terms of plot this story really hasn't got anywhere, but I feel I had to find a way to get the characters to meet and know each others' names, and here it is. Again, I didn't pull off anything well(IMO) in this chapter, just introduced some characters, but the pacing was rushed somewhat, but hey, I'm just jerking around ideas for now.
Leave comments. :)

Somehow, I got confused after Jack screamed at the girl. I dunno why Rin ended up showing Jack the room they were in. Even better, why Jane slapped Jack (I kinda have this Idea that Jane loves Rin. Or is it vice versa?)
I didn't even knew what happened after Jack screamed at Rin.

Anyways, just wanna say, the're many gaps to fill up here^^



Lol, Jack has mental issues. is that right? Yeah, that seems about right.

Yes, Jack has mental issues, but not so much in this point of the story. I'm kinda making it up as I go. :) I agree, should've made that last part more logical.

hmmm ok not bad ill keep readying =]

Continuing on with the story from my imagination. By the way, I use characters that have some connections to my real-life properties.

____________________________________________________________________________
{START}
Act Three: The "Awe of She"
____________________________________________________________________________

I reach out in the darkness. Feeling nothing, nothing besides the wind flowing, breezing past my outreached arms and body. I then realize I'm naked. Thoroughly confused, I walk several steps before falling. I realize my energy is gone. What's happening?
"WHAT'S GOING ON?", I shout into the darkness.
No reply, only dead silence. Then, a response.
[tap]
I look around, searching for the source of the noise, but to no avail, as the darkness covers all that I may be able to see.
[thunk, rattle]
"Ugh", I gasp in fright. Staring at the direction from which the noise came from. If this is a dream, please wake up.
[clunk, tap, tap]
"Shit, shit SHIT", I say to noone in particular, getting on my feet once again and attempting to run as far as possible from the ever-increasing noise. I manage four steps before collapsing again.
"Shit, fuck, shit, what's going on!?"
[tap, tap]
Gotta get away. I step up again, and walk a few more steps, and once again, collapse over the weight of my own body. Please, I need the strength.
Then, all of a sudden, the noise stops. Nothing there at all. Dead silence, the silence which I had come to dread before the noise, now so comforting after the disappearance of the dead taps of whatever the hell was walking towards me.
Dead silence
"Haha, what the fuck was that thing?", I laugh to myself. My voice now echoes in the darkness, and I realize that, wherever I am now, I must be in a closed area. Maybe something like a cathedral.
Just as the thought occurs to me, suddenly, streaks of color blaze through the ground I stand on, ornately decorating some invisible object. Standing there, taking in the magnificent display of spectra, the image being built comes to mind. Breathlessly, the words form on my lips, as I read my own thoughts out to myself.
"Cathedral"
Magnificently decorated, I had just run directly into a beautiful sanctuary. And furthermore, I realized that I had clothes on.
And across the room, sat a stunning young girl that couldn't have been any older than I.
Her midtorso-length black hair came down on both sides of head, one side tied around her shoulder, and the other side having a group of hair wrapped by ribbon. I noticed that past the ribbon her hair was dyed a bright shade of blonde. Her bangs fluttered just past her eyes, and she wore a black tank-top which went over her b-cup breasts. She wore a black skirt that came down to around her knees, and her perfectly-shaped legs were crossed.
And furthermore, she was sleeping. Well, this is a dream, I thought to myself, might as well have some fun.
[tap, tap, tap]
The sound echoes throughout the cathedral, bouncing off of the statues of the angels and pictures of Christ.
The room begins to dim.
"Hey, HELP ME"
I seem to have woken her up. As the room darkens, she opens her eyes, when I realize, she's heterchromic. One eye is a bright shade of green, and the other an ocean spray of blue.
Taking in these details, the girl stands up and walk toward me. The room becomes ever darker, and the last thing I see is her smile...
[tap]
I realize that whatever was making that sound is standing right behind me. And as I stand to run away, my legs give away, and I hear the creature behind me taking a breath, and saying one word, the word I had hated being used against me as a child, the one word that I now blamed all my current troubles for:
"Worthless"


I spring up.
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
This, this, it's my bed.
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
I touch the sheets realizing that agonizing journey to be over.
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
Heart's beating like a jackhammer.
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
Another attack? No, haven't had one in years
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
Stumbling, and my vision blurring, I fumble out of bed
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
Reach for the table
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
Pull down two bottles, fumbling to get their caps out
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
Fingers shaking badly to get two small pills
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
No, I start to cry, I'm gonna die, gonna die, gonna die
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
Both capsules fall on the ground, pills flying over the place.
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
I grab one of each color, and place them in my mouth, and swallow.
[THUMP, THump, Thump, thump, [size=10]thump[/h]]

It's over, I think to myself. What just happened?
Oh yeah, one of my anxiety attacks... I remember now, diagnosed with neurosis.
I haven't had an attack in years. Not even from getting in fights.
"Oh my god", I breath to myself. "I'm fucking alive"
My breath slows, and my heartbeats slow.
"Fuck, fuck, what caused that?"
Then it hits me, that dream I had. That dream with the noises. That dream with the girl. If she was real, I thought to myself, I'd marry her.
I realize how elementary it was of me to be frightened of such a cliche horror movie frightening, I mean, the whole noise thing was used in every horror movie I had seen to date pretty much.
"Worthless"
The word rings out in my head, and my heartbeats begin to double their pace once again.
"Calm down, Calm down, CALM DOWN", I shout, and my heart obediently listens, slowly lowering it's pace from the shout of it's owner.
Ugh, I hate that word. Whenever I did something wrong, my father would call me that. I realize now what time it is.
"Almost time for school, huh?"
I set about picking up the pills on the floor, all the while silently thinking to myself. I notice spots on the floor, and it dawns on me that I had been crying and sweating during my attack. And that the tears were still running.
"Haha, I should clean myself up"
"Hahahahaa...", I once again stutter to myself, and realize, I had seen that girl in my dreams before.
As I ponder this issue, a voice comes from the floor below me.
From downstairs, the friend that was taking care of me calls me down.
"DYLAN! HURRY UP AND TAKE A SHOWER AND EAT SO I CAN GET TO SCHOOL!"
Oh great, I think to myself, just what I needed to hear, Clarisse's voice in the morning.
As I get up once more, this time on stable legs, and wiping the tears from my face, memories of my father come back.
"That son of a bitch better be dead"
And the tears flow once again as I step out of the door.
"Alright Clarisse, I'm taking my shower now!"
"HURRY UP!"

_________________________________________________________________________

Halfway across the city, in a mansion that belonged to the billionare family of the Low's, a young girl had just woken up from a similar dream.
"Mistress Low, you'll be late for your new school if you don't hurry"
"Yes, Alane, I'll be down in a minute", the young girl replied to her maid.
"Did you have a nightmare again, Mistress?"
Yes... could you leave me alone for a while?
"Then, I will leave you to be dressed", Alane replied as she walked out the door after the ever-so-known bow that stereotypical maids make as they take leave of their masters.
As the young girl picked up the ribbon on her desktop and tied it around her hair, at the point in which the black hair and blonde hair met, she was left to ponder...
"Who was that black-haired, cocky boy?"
Afterall, she knew she had seen him somewhere before.

{END}
__________________________________________________________________________

Ok, the third act is in place, and I just set the stage for the another character. I realize I wrote I a lot for this act, and I hope to write as many for the next acts coming up.
Also, sorry for the shift from first to third person in the two halves of the story, I just needed to add a little "twist" of fate" or "what a coincidence" moment, and keeping it in first-person would have been more than slightly confusing.
:)

EDIT: Also, if people end up liking this series(unlikely I know), then I may just draw some concept art of the characters. xD

it was a good chapter =]

Nice Chapter. That was one hell of a nightmare. Although i'm still confused about Jacks past, I suppose you're gonna relay all of that in future chapters, so i'm not gonna say anything more.

btw. How do you do art of the characters? I can't draw, so I have absolutely no Idea^^

I do indeed plan to address Jack's, or Dylan's, past quite a bit. Not too much, like Regal's shackles in Tales of Symphonia, but just enough, like how much a person in life would tell you. Stay tuned :)
And as for drawing characters, do you mean the process or the visuality?

For the visuality, I always start out with some rough "look" for the character, which I refine throughout the story(I usually have the final draft of the character by the 7th chapter of any series(even if it's somebody else's). xD I take what's said, or I said and build on it, taking artistic liscense of course :)

For the process, I start out with shapes, like circles, squares, and trapezoids(waist area). Then I connect the rims of all shapes to form a kind of "freeform" model, that has the contour outlined. From there, I go from the eyes, nose, mouth, hair, neck, shirt, arms, waistline, pants, and shoes. It's basic and I still can't draw well, but the process works for me. xD

Thanks for the Advice^^

Now i'm gonna try to draw out my Characters!!!

(Warning! Warning! Dangerous drawings ahead! Please proceed with Caution!) :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

rofl :lol: