"Legacies of Legends"

Hi all , first of all, I would like to share some of my hobbies masterpiece
and hopes
they could get ratings, criticize and commented by readers, Im not sure if I am in the right thread or not or if this even allowed in here, but here it goes,
I hereby proudly present, the prologue of "Legacies of the Legends"
yes for the title, its similar to the MMO strategy online game League of Legends " LoL" but I made these all before even LoL exist, I just didnt posted it anywhere but kept it to myself all these years..



The Prince of Dune Ruins - Episode 1



On a planet, in the lost galaxy, a desert with scorching heat with 3 suns to shine it all day , a squadron of fully armed and armored soldiers wandering in the middle on it...


Mark: Sir, are you sure its here, it's seems we're lost, and even worst, we're on enemy territory...

Captain commander: Shush , Mark, silence, and dont question the order from upper division, you know its forbidden and can be considered treason?!

Mark: Sorry.. sir...

Sheela: Sheesh.. new kid... chill it out, in the middle of scorching desert of the heat we cant even feel, coz we're protected in this heat proof armor and in the middle of enemy territories, whatcha so worry about?

Mark: Everything...


without their knowing, these people are being watched by 3 shadows , masked by the dust of deserts...


Captain Com: Higher order had sent us , in this mission , to find out the whereabout of the long lost fallen star in ruins before light holocaust...

Mark: You dont mean? The light holocaust? The very reason our planet like this that caused by that event.. and that thing or whatever it is , is still there?

Sheela: Why would the upper division wants us to find it sir?

Capt Com: The relics, finally after all these gave a strong power signature, after 15 years it survive the LH.... strong enough to engulf this planet with its energy signature that only country advanced as ours can see it..

Mark: Really? Now I know why they sent a Captain Commander, 2 Captains and 5 Elite guard stealth recon in enemy land, this thing must be important!
But what about those Damned Deserters? Wont they be on our way?

Captain Commander: hush , be quiet, yes they would if we dont be careful!

Sheela:Pffh, Damned Deserters are pretty much nothing but a weakling barbarians of lost civilization, I doubt they can harm us .. much ... hahaha!

Watchful Shadow: *Grin teeths* Itch!
2nd Watch Shadow: My lord, control yourself! You revealed our position!

Capt Com: "Realizing in his heart that they been watched"
*Raised hand stop signal* Enemies... position 1 , 2 , 5 , now! Perimeter in 5 secs!

Mark: YOU HEARD HIM, MOVE YOUR LAZY ASSES MOVE MOVE!

Sheela: Mark ! Come, your with me in position 2!
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Capt Com: SHOW YOURSELF, WHOEVER YOU ARE, I KNOW YOUR THERE!! AND I AM A CAPTAIN COMMANDER OF WEST ALLIANCE, AND BY MY AUTHORITY, I DEMAND YOU TO REVEAL YOURSELF!

Shadow Leader: Hmmph! Captain commander? West alliance? Even on enemy territory you dare to use your stupid rights and powers?

Sheela : Grr... Deserters...

Shadow Leader : So I shall announce this, that no, I repeat , no Captain Commander, Captains or Elite Guard had ever bested me, I doubt yours will any time soon... hah!

Capt Com: We shall see about that~! Show yourself coward!

Shadow Leader : Coward? Im not the one surrounded in powerful people, sneaking into enemy territories, or is it because I am a Deserters? Because we refuse to join your alliance before LH ? To fight a war against our misguided brothers? Even when West Alliance won the war but lose everything because LH still happened?!

Capt Comm: *Lost his patience for awhile and raged* YES, COWAAAAAARDSS!!

Sheela : Relax commander, he trying to push your buttons...

Shadown Leader : Hmph! Your nation false influence guide those poor peoples to united against you, you refuse to admit its your fault, and you throw the fault to the innocent civilization and even call them Deserters, Damned Deserters..

Mark: Then , enough talks! Lets collides now, and we shall see the victors shall prove him right!

Shadown Leader: True... therefore commander... brace yourself and your comrades , i am no mere... Deserters... nor these 2 of my faithful followers... *smirks*

Sheela: READY! EVERYONE, VISOR ON! NOW!


Shadows Companions: Seventh Elements! Ruins Sandstorms!
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Sandstorms, as if controlled , engulf the shadows.. and then circled the squadron... spinning around them and trap them...

Shadow Companions: Art of the Sand Shadow Guard, Scorpions Stings! Dhare'ba!

2 of the elite get got stab in the heart,. by a tail of scorpions, manifested by the sands....

Sand Swipe! Desert Snakes Strikes! Dhare'ba!

3 of the Elite Guard fall after being pushed by the circled sand wall, shapen like a rattlesnakes tail...

Capt Com: THEY AIMING FOR THE WEAK FIRST, COUNTER THEM BACK YOU IDIOTS!

Mark : BUT CAPTAIN, WE CANT EVEN SEEN THEM IN THIS CIRCLED SAND WALLS! ITS LIKE THEY ARE THE SANDS!

Sheela: THEY NEVER TEACH US ABOUT THIS ENEMY POWERS IN THE ACADEMY! NOOOO!

Art of the Royal Bloodline, Blades of the Deserts , Wa`dia hu!(manifest)

The spinning Circled Sand Walls stoppeds, and the sand manifested into many kind of blades, swords, and spears...

Sa`ka ba! (Puncture!)

The wall of sand blade closed up and becomes a pillars... and painted with bloods...

However.. The Captain Commanders and the 2 captains escape by jumping sky high and landed infront the 2 shadows companion and leaders and ready to fight with full of their strength...

Capt Com: Itch! How many men have we lost Sheela?!

Sheela: All of the Elite Guards sir!

Shadow Leader : Congratulations commander, you escaped... as a reward , I shall introduce myself and my 2 companion...

Capt Com : WHO ARE YOU, A MERE DESERTER CANT POSSESS THIS KIND OF STRENGTH UNLESS YOUR A SAND SHADOW GUARD OR FROM THE ROYALTI... no... it cant be...



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Shadow Leader: Yes... *Remove the sands shrouds from three of them, and pull downs his desert scarf*

Prince Zahar: I am Zahar, the Prince of the Dune Ruins country, the leader of the Deserters, and the... ENEMY of West Alliance...
and yes... these 2 are my personal SS guards... however... I ordered them to stand down allow me to finish three of you personally...

Mark: HELL NO! How in the world are we suppose to fight the very Prince of Dune Ruins?!! Im outta her.... *head shot and drop dead*

Capt Com: Dont even think about running in my presents!

Sheela: Commander! Why?!

Capt Com: There shall be no deserter from battle, and if they do, they are no different from the Damned Deserters themselves , and I shall personally end any deserters from West Alliance in my own hand!

Prince Zahar: You even killed your own people.. where is your mercy? your humanity?

Sheela: You can give us mercy? *Hopefully in secret*

Prince Zahar: I doubt, even if would let you both go, you 2 wont even survive from your so called higher upper division... for abandoning this important mission..

Capt Com : *Taken aback from what the princes words, look at sheela with weird gaze... and determined*

Capt Com : Enough talk! Lets end this! Sheela, open power!!

Sheela: SIR YES SIR!

Sheela : Sword of the light! Natalia! Formen und zerstören!

Capt Mallet: Black Comet Iron Mallet! Garengar! Tvar a ničit!

Commander is engulf by black flames and changes to new armor, with giant black mallet... and Sheela is engulf by light, that shapen to wings and engulf her and change to crystal light armor with a shining Rapier...

Capt Commander : We both didnt get our rank here just because of influence.. its hardwork, sweats and tears too!

The prince shuts his eyes... and open one of its and said...

Prince Zahar: Final Art of Royal Bloodline, "Ni hal` E al hudud! (Final Frontier)

Capt Com: Where is your weapon?! Draws it out and power up royal boy!

Prince Zahar: I dont have one, thats the problem, I can never have on ever since im from little, even I ordered them from custom made Beta Blacksmiths, none of them last even a sec when power up with me, The Fortune Teller said, my weapons was made long time before the Light Holocaust, before I was born, it was suppose to handed to me when I was an infant, however the LH event happened, thus, its lost... for good... but she said my weapon are at the same place as the "La` a la sa ma ja ha jira" (Cursed Sky Stone) , therefore... I think our encounter finally produce something fruitful for my search, I will need that device of you of course... even if meant to take it from your dead body..

Capt Com: Never !

Capt Com: Strike! Meteor Swing!

LightSpeed combo! Himmlisches Licht-Boost! (Heavenly light boost)

=Boosted Swing of the Meteor Swing Strike= A big black heavy meteor Iron Mallet swings in speed boosted by the power of his comrade

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Prince Zahar: AL- RA MALA TSUNAMI! (Sand Tsunami)

The sand heave upon the capt com and sheela, immobilize them

Prince Zahar: I said I dont have a weapon, I never said I am nothing without it, the sands... the mother nature.. is my temporarily weapon,

Rest in peace.. under my wings of sands, Al Ra mala hamjar! (Sand Dagger)

A dagger manifest, pulls out from the sand and the prince grabs it...

Capt Com: Itch! This stupid trap wont held me forever! *Commander breaks free*

Prince Zahar: You really are quiet a commander, never once anyone ever broke my tsunami trap before..please stop.. you are already lose...

Capt Com: SHUT UP, I REFUSE TO BE MERCY BY A DESERTER LIKE YOU!!

*The prince move like a lightning speed, even normal eye cant match him, 1 second he is infront if the charging commander with his mallet, and the next second he is behind him, posed a cutting strike... and suddenly sands start to follow the prince trail and form a ribbons of sands until its reach the prince behind the commander...

Capt Comm: Realizing his fate and mistakes... and remember something, and spoke..

You.. are merciful right...?

Prince Zahar: Yes... I am... what is your last words, my enemy..

Capt Comm: I wish you to spare that girl... she is someone I cared about like my own daughter... please.. *tears fell from his eyes*

Prince Zahar: Is she is from any important family, if she is i have to refuse..

The commander taken aback.. *in his heart... he lied, for his last time* No , she is nobody, but a mere captain... mere soldier... mere... adopted daughter... urghh..

The commander drop dead, with blood slowly pouring out from his mouth..

Sheela: NOOOOOO.... WHY, HE DIDNT EVEN BLED FROM YOUR CUT... WHY??!!! Sheela passed out..

Prince Zahar: Sand Dagger... prowess. I made it.. I am too kind and too merciful as my people called me... I even pitied and mercy them before, when and after I kill them, my sand dagger cut, and use smalls sands, to close the wound but not heals them so the enemy can die without the ugliness of cutting defile their body.. and rest in peace... finally and depart from this world to the next

-------------------------------Endings----------------------------------



Shadow Guard: My lord... what should we do with the woman??

Prince Zahar: Bring her back to Dune Ruins! Ill think what to do about her later...

Shadow Guard: But my lord! The elders-

Prince Zahar: I dont care about what the elders will say.. just do it!

Shadow Guard: My apologies Prince Zahar... for questioning you, I shall carry your order right away!

The Prince bow down to the dead Captain commander, use his hand to close the enemy's eyes.. and as he use his power to engulf his body with sand as a proper burial, he take the device, the very reason he aim the squadron..

"I finally have it... I can finally search for you, after all these years... and patience... my "Ma le kaiyar Hamjar" (Royal Dagger).. my one and only true weapon... and can finally oppose the final threat of my people... *The prince stands up and look to the West* not the people... not the innocent.. but the very West Alliance... I shall find the Four Founders... and punish them... "

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I am Zahar... a prince of my country, heir to the conquered Middle East Dune, which is now Dune Ruins, leader of my people, the Deserters.. and the last Royal Bloodline in this planet to live.. and this is my stories... as one of the heroes power personality living in the Sphere of Destiny and this is... my legacy





"Legacies of Legends"





Legacies of Legends is actually an explicit stories of many peoples and heroes, how they had their journey in their own universe, either have a happy or unhappy endings, and before they die, their powers flew out of their existence, combine with other heroes from other existence and universe , and becomes a Sphere of Destiny, that roams, from universe to universe, and collect powers from heroes to heroes (only after they are relief from their existence and wont need any use of them in near future) and combine, until it found the one, to bear its power, and fight the ultimate evil... =spoilers=

First and foremost, spelling mistakes



fully armed.



On enemy territory. 'the' is not needed here.



Treason, not treasing.



Without them knowing.

.........Never mind, I gave up looking for more. There were a lot of grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes and apostrophes. There's also no need to CAPITALIZE every word when they're shouting. You can go, "Show yourself, whoever you are, I know you're there!" Captain Com shouted. The exclamation mark shows that the character is already shouting or emphasizing his words.

I suggest that you don't use the asterisk to show that the character is doing an action. Maybe you just describe them in narration. I.E:

Capt Comm lost his patience for a while and raged, "YES, COWAAAAAARDSS!!"


Btw, the powers and stuff are really weird. Is this supposed to be futuristic or fantasy? I can't make head or tails of this story.....


Anyway, summarizing my thoughts

SPELLING! GRAMMAR! EXPRESSIONS! is extremely lacking. For one, I have no idea how each character looks like and I have no idea what are the powers doing... The spelling is horrible and grammar mistakes was so frequent that I gave up.

You'll need to work on this a little bit more.

This.

And make the font smaller. It's too big.

Well, Im sorry, but Im neither good in english nor writing... yes.. i thank you for reading and finding the mistakes, and no... I know its wrong, but i think as long as readers can read and understand them, i dont mind, and yes, i will try to finish this, even with the mistakes, anyway... where can i put episode 2? Should I created a new topic or...?







Done, sorry, I guess from my laptop font is too small, my bad, i forgot i zoomed out 2 weeks ago... thanks,



I guess, to sum it all , im not really good in this, however... ill finish this, at least this arc only... and if you need know, either this is futuristic or fantasy, your going to need to read it , not everything is explain, and told in the first episode of any story lol xD


PS: If you guys wanna know, one arc only consist 5 episode... i doubt there's alot to read, so dont worry if ya think its going to turn like a manga or comic or anime with alot of chapters or episodes.. no.. only 5 chapters..

I'm not too sure about rules posting a second part 0.o. Well, i liked it, it's written in a sort of Play/Interview format, where you have the person's name then a colon after them. Someone corrected your mistakes so i wont dwell on that, I don't want to go into Grammar Nazi mode. I'm more used to reading the traditional writing styles without the colons though, so i'm not too sure what to make of this 0.o. It's just the first chapter so i'll wait and see for part 2.

okay... i wont write another episode or story... im really not talented for it...
thats that! Back to make more funny comments!

*Whistle away*

Allow me to clarify this with a part from "Writing Section Etiquette"...

nah, its okay, i give already...
give what you asked?
give up of course...
what story? I dont remember any story? xD
*crying inside my heart with thunderous cloud and flooding rain..*

Quitter... don't write at all if simple constructive criticism gets you down like this. We're only pointing out all your mistakes BECAUSE we want you to improve. If you give up, our words were wasted.

Keep writing and practicing. Everyone has to start somewhere.

T.T I know, i actually lied,... im still writing it, i think ill post it tomorrow... sob... but please dont judge me so hard... im just a newbie in writing... anyway.. episode 2 comin tmr....

Why? keep going R. Even i started out with blunders, no one is perfect bro.
Even the best of authors started slow, just keep going and never give up!

>_> For the first time, I feel I should hold back on my criticisms. As a writer, you should always take criticisms. Its part of the package. Criticisms go a long way and it helps you. I'm not asking much except better grammar. Spelling might be a little bad but it's bearable. I don't mind your format actually.

It's like reading a movie script rather than a story though.

its exam in my college, i mean exam weeks, so might be very busy, so expect delay on weekdays but not weekend