My first Freeverse Poem/Story

So, I read on writing and fan-fiction here on fakku, and though the fact of me writing always seemed strange for my family I started writing poetry since 13 (with crappy works I proudly threw into a chimney). While I didn't like rhyming, I loved how authors used freeverse in poems (when I was in the middle of highschool) in order to make a story/memory/thought. So I racked my brain for ideas, and I thought, what if I combine the foolishness of my 5 year old self with the loneliness of my 12 year old self? And it went like this:

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My goldfish died three years ago
I wanted her to be my friend, since nobody liked my ego
She listened to my monologues
The bubbles she replied with were monotonous
I gave her food, home, and talk
How foolish of me, she could not even walk!

A new day started, I realized that my had goldfish died
A cat walked a fraction of a mile
As I gave my fish a burial in the compost pile
That damned devil dug her up for her meal
She obviously knew where to steal
The face the cat had, filled with glee
I rushed for a shovel and slammed it on its face in a killing spree!
The cat layed broken and motionless and my friend along, the dead totalled two
That cat ate my friend, so it died too!

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Opinions? I know I failed in some rhyming. I prefer short stories myself.
But it was the best I could do. Oh crap, that rhymed with "too".

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Edited to fix grammatical errors.

I loved the content of the poem. It sounded so innocent and yet so gruesome. I could picture the face of a child when I read it to him. It makes me wish that you can write a much longer poem in that manner. You know, those poems that go on forever like a story but rhyme at each sentence?

Not so sure if dark humour is to the liking of others but I loved it.

That said, allow me to nitpick,

"I rushed for a shovel and slammed it on its face in a killing spree.

Thank you :D
I had a paragraph between them but erased it since I could not make it rhyme. Thanks for pointing out he grammatical errors too, I would have never seen it myself.

Personally, I love it when characters which seem innocent prove to be monsters, but not because they were from the begining, but what made them change (something modern horror and drama movies lack). It's also a true slap in the face of the stereotypes in which children are little angels.

I like to think "What will lead the character to do X and how will he/she change after doing so", taking extra care to avoid movie scenes and stereotypical character behaviors.
I make the characters first (Their appearance, characteristics, flaws, ideals, and ethics), then the endings for them before even deciding what will the story be about. I love making an anti-hero character as the main character. A character that fails instead of excels and is full of personal flaws which he/she probably never manages to fix from himself/herself (an opposite of Mary Sue/Gary Stu).
Then I write the middle which leads to the ending, then I make a beggining that connects to the middle (like filling up blanks). I then process all the pieces of the writings into a story order from the beggining to end.
It's like solving a paper laberynth from the end to the beggining instead of vice-versa.

^ I think you and I may have the same tastes in writing. Although I do not go for flawed and realistic characters, (if you bother to read what I have written, there are no characters), and I can't write a story by beginning at the middle and ending at the beginning (in fact I can't write stories, I write whiny monologues), I sometimes resent 'vanilla' or pure romance stories.

I would always make it a point to make stories or situations more ugly and more real. For example, I'd point out the female protagonist having to undergo the agony of child bearing and child birth, the male suffering from post-natal syndrome just taking care of both mother and child or some other manifestation of 'harsh' reality.

I have some links in my signature. If you want to read them, feel free to do so.

We probably do have the same tastes :3 Any reccomendations for reading?

Oh, and I read your four works:
1: Liked it, but it felt somewhat slow (nonetheless hilarious). I liked your way to describe the land and millitary bad-mouthing in the lasts paragraphs though. Made me laugh even more.
2: A masterpiece, loved how it felt like a magazine article yet at the same time a memoir. I wrote my opinion in a reply. It was my favorite of the four.
3: Tried my best to read it, gave up halfway, skipped to the end, gave up again.
4: Gave me a chuckle.

3 was a story or my attempt at a story. It is not good judging from the responses I got.

I am glad you enjoyed 1, 2 and 4 though.

I don't have any recommendations for reading but I do have some videos that serve as my inspiration. Try Charlie Brooker's 'Wipe' series. Brooker's on-stage personality might be just like us, unhappy to the point of near hysteria.



Newswipe Episode 1

While my browser wouldn't load video (ps vita browser doesn't have flash player, and it's damn hard to type too), I used youtube application and I just watched ep 1 of season 1, and I'm not going to rest until I l watch all of his episodes. Pure genious with sarcasm and comedy. It's sad that so few people know about him though.
I had a case of "I'm probably one of a kind in my beliefs" and discovered I ain't alone. Awesome. :D

I have read through your romance poem threads. I was wondering if you could include some poorly written ones like this in that thread:

I’m sorry for making you worry.
I would never consider killing or raping you, Denko, so don’t worry. Is that what you thought I would do?
Now, I want you to take what I’m saying seriously.
I really, truly love you, Denko.
I think I would be willing to die for you, Denko.
I’ve always been trying to ensure your happiness first.
And I don’t think my feelings for you will ever change.
It’s very unfortunate things got like this right after we started dating, but we can start over.
That would be great, wouldn’t it?
Remember what I said when I confessed to you?
I still feel the way I did back then…

I am so sorry, Shark. I am an anti-romantic. That love poem is from this website. It is a really good translation if you are into dark humour.

http://vgperson.tumblr.com/post/21533650696/help-the-girl-i-like-wont-respond-to-my-emails

I kinda deleted that love peom thread out of embarrassment. :P Though that poem made me laugh, it was very good.