How Not to Die in a Zombie Apocalypse (Edited)

I can't appropriately continue Days in Nature due to writer's block. However, I have a new story that I thought of just now and decided to post what I have written so far. It immediately jumps into the story which I will probably edit later. I will also give this story a proper name once it is done.

Actually, I lied about just coming up with the story. I've been slowly thinking about it for a while, yet hadn't started it until now. Feel free to provide feedback.

[spoil]I briskly walked home through the night. It was freezing cold, making the grass icy, leaves frozen to the concrete, and water frozen in puddles near storm drains that were clogged with the yellow and orange maple leaves that fell from the trees. There was also a breeze that made it even colder. I was thinking about how winter was approaching and about the holidays while listening to my black Zune, which had an 80 gigabyte hard drive.

Suddenly, a shadow moved by the little wooden bridge on my way to and from work. I jumped back a whole foot in shock, gasping, "Oh fuck!". The shadow stumbled towards me. I was shocked even more when the shadow was lit up by the street light. It looked undead; some skin was torn off, showing some of the meat underneath, its left foot looked as though it was still held to the leg by some skin, and it groaned as I looked at it, continuing to stumble. I thought as this grotesque being stumbled in my direction, It’s the fuckin’ apocalypse! Fuckin’ zombies! I have to get to the house. I readied myself and sprinted across the bridge and kept running towards my house.

Holy fuck! I had little time to think making my way home, so I just kept running, gasping for air. After a couple minutes, I reached the open field next to the church a block from my house, watching people drive madly from their homes with what little they took, sprinting, after a quick breathe, straight down the road towards my house.

It was chaos; zombies were invading the houses killing whoever was there, some fires broke out in a couple houses, deafening screams sounded from the victims trapped in their homes. I had to keep thinking straight in this situation if I was going to survive. As I approached my house, my family drove off in the blue Dodge truck. They ran over zombies as they drove by on their way out.

After watching them take off, I ran inside the house because I knew it'd be pointless to try to catch up with them, immediately locking the doors and windows to stall the zombies while pillaging for food and car keys. I noticed they left a pistol on the couch with a note:

We hope you read this. We left some food bagged up, a .45 with ammo, and the key to the Explorer. We’re heading over to East Fort Rock to get away from the cities and towns. Meet us over there at our camping spot. If we’re not there, survive.

I instantly grabbed the pistol and loaded it, put on the holster, and slid the pistol into the holster. I grabbed the bags of food and boxes of ammunition before running upstairs to grab some clothes. Stuffing all of it into a duffel bag, which was then slung over my shoulder, I headed downstairs. Looking outside to see several zombies shambling and running in the street, I took the pistol in one hand, and bashed the door open, knocking a zombie to the ground. Some of its soiled blood splattered from its head as it hit the concrete slab. I closed the door and ran over to the Explorer, unlocking it and throwing the bag in the back seat.

There was zombie next to me. I turned to shoot. It was about to bite me as a bullet went through its left eye. Blood sprayed from the socket onto my black shirt and my cheek. Somewhat stunned, I closed the back door, and climbed into the Explorer’s driver seat. Starting the SUV, I put it into reverse and stomped on the gas pedal pulling out of the driveway. I shifted into drive and sped my way out of the neighborhood, watching zombies eating and killing people. I thought while driving, I want to survive. I don’t want to die like this. Driving back the way I came, I headed East to meet up with my family.

I saw society quickly crumbling because of this plague. People were running away from these monsters, leaving others behind, only to be mauled by more that were running even quicker. A black car crashed into a tree as I turned onto the road. The front of the car crumpled as it hit the tree. I instinctively parked next to the car and jumped out, running over to see if they survived. Looking inside the driver seat, an older woman was bleeding from what looked like a gunshot wound in her head. The windshield was cracked and covered in blood. I gagged looking at it, deciding that she was dead. In the backseat, there was a little girl crying.

She had her eyes closed and was screaming loudly. I knocked on the door, trying to get her attention. Opening the door, she was still crying and red faced. I was about to grab her when I was suddenly groped from behind and bitten in the neck. Fuck!!! Pulling out my pistol, I shot the zombie before shooting myself in the head.

Mang that was an interesting read, and I love how you put on the descriptions which to me looks vivid and I could clearly make out the details, and furthermore it uses the kind of English that was simply put enough for a non-native user like me to understand. Overall it seems that the story looks promising, looking forward to read more of these

I think the story could really be improved if you read this back to yourself. A lot of the sentence structure is oddly put and the action. For example:



This almost sounds the zombie was going to collapse in front of you, but before that happened it almost bit you. Also, you took a moment to shoot it in the left eye while this was going on.



That sorta makes the sequence of actions more clear. Lot of other examples, but I think you could easily reword them if you went back and read it aloud as they would sound awkward to the ear.

The other thing narrative wise that I noticed is the over use of the word "I". Everything is "I did this" then "I did that.



Most of the time you can leave out the "I" part and it will still make sense. Also it brings a sense of immersion for the reader. Sometimes while putting the story to paper you will develop the habit saying "I" for everything because it is basically you describing to yourself how you would do things as the protagonist. One trick is to write what is going on in the protagonist's head during this time he is doing so much stuff.



One last thing I wanted to mention was with the story itself. This chapter was an intro to our protagonist story. The intro has to give us a reason to want to read on besides, "Well, there are zombies and danger! Isn't that something!?" In this case it seems the reason to read on is because the protagonist is going to try to meet up with his family. If that is the case, then that needs to be fleshed (pun) out more. He saw them drive away. Did he care they left him? Did anyone look back at him? Were they scared or were they a professional zombie killing family? And how does the hero feel? Does he even like his family? He just sorta stared at them as they drove off. Is he feeling desperate or is he calm?

You don't have to go on long explanations to answer any of these questions but you should give the reader a hint. If he is desperate, have him run after the car when he sees his family driving away. If he is calm, show him being non-chalant when they leave without him. Just a tiny bit of insight into his thoughts will help the reader feel closer to the protagonist which in turn creates immersion.

And that is the key to a good story - especially horror.

Yeah, I've been editing it quite a bit. I usually write my stories when I'm sleepy, so it looks like shit the first time around. Thanks for the feedback though; it helps.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah The main protag has a Zune, but no need to point it out. Makes you just as bad as the Appledrones, blah blah blah Zombie apocalypse, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Main protag gets abandoned the fuck out of by parents, holy shit, blah blah blah Oh, well, at least they were nice enough to leave a NOTE! Because that makes DITCHING your child alright! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Main protag decides to meet up with his parents, blah blah blah blah blah He drives a car, blah blah blah blah blah, He sees a car wreckage, woman dead, little girl in the back crying, suddenly main protag is caught and bitten. Main protag kills his attacker and then himself.

Your ending made me remember why short stories can be amazing sometimes. Amazing as in severely anti-climactic but with all the gut-punching of reality. It made me lose my boner and pop one at the same time.

Cool story bro

Thank you for such a erotic critique. It made me pop a boner.