"Jake let me ask you a question, a simple question you don't have to answer it if you dont want to," said the girl in the blue coat. "Who are you? Really who are you? I look into your eyes and I see pain no sixteen year old should have. I see your actions and how they help people, I've noticed how you constantly smile that hollow smile of yours. What are you trying to prove Jake?"
"Prove? Theres nothing to prove," the boy leans against the wall looking into the blue partially cloudy sky. "I'm just a shade, a parasite, kindness is the only way I won't feel guilty, its the only way these thoughts find solace and even that's temporary. I feel dead inside, Shannon. Every moment of my life is just... empty."
"But why? Why do you feel this way?"
The boy slowly looks at her with his hollow blue eyes and begins to explain.
"Three years ago on this very day, a friend had killed herself. She wasn't like all those people I secretly depised. The people who wore fake masks and claimed to be my allies. She was my best friend, the girl I was in love with. She knew I was depressed, and she was too. We both wallowed with self-pity and hatred. So she decides to make a suicide pact with me. I agree to it." Shannon gasps slightly, her eyes slowly giving way to shock. "My dad had owned a gun shop, so getting guns wasn't a problem. Few days later we both put the guns in our mouths. I was in my house, and she in hers. My mom had come home to check up on me, I pull the trigger with the gun in my mouth." Jake takes a quick breathe before continuing his story. "First shot fails, second shot fails, and the third shot wouldn't have...but my mother was all too familiar with the sound of guns clicking. She comes rushing in and swipes the gun away from me. She starts sobbing hysterically, asking herself where she went wrong in her parenting. My best friend? She didn't fail, first shot killed her. By the time they had heard the gunshot it was too late."
"So what you're saying is that it's your fault that she died?" Shannon, with pity in her eyes, looks into Jake's eyes.
"What I'm saying is that I died that night, along with her. My body may be alive at this very moment, but inside my heart died. Inside my minds eye I saw the bullet enter my brain and finish me off. I was going to pull the trigger, theres no doubt in my mind I was going to do it."
"But why? Why Jake? What pushed you so far as to attempt suicide?"
"I was raped, not in the sense of some pervert just shoving his dick in my asshole no... It was worse than that. I was 11 at the time, a happy little guy -- full of dreams and hopes. I was going to be the next power ranger hahhahahahaha." He sighs the moment the sarcasm in his laughter fades away. "This pervert asks me for directions inside his van, I come close and point out where he needs to go. Big mistake. He forcibly places a cloth over my face. I was losing consciousness fast. Everything was fading chaotically, I remember trying to scream for help, but his grasp over my face was clamped. My vision was like that of a very shaky camera with a quick creeping tunnel vision until nothing could be seen, and I was unconscious." A few people pass through so Jake lowers his voice. "When I had woken, I was in chains and only had tidy whities on. I was crying, cursing every curse I could think of. But of course, hopelessness had eventually struck me. I had heard stories about a serial killer who raped his victims, videotaped the process, and then slowly mutilate their body until they died of bloodloss. His primary targets were preteens ages ranging from ten to twelve. Gender did not matter to-"
"Wait you're telling me you were that boy they showed on TV, they kept mentioning how he was lucky to be saved in time and culprit finally caught?"
"LUCKY?!?!?!? HOW IN THE FUCKING HELL WAS MY SITUATION LUCKY!? I would have preferred to die. Hell, when the cops had showed up, I had begged them to kill me. I was emotionally scarred and they knew it, but they couldn't fufill my request. I had to have my named changed because people kept sending me messages saying stuff like that my tragedy helped lock that guy away, saying how he was going to be put to death, and how sorry they were for my experience. They shouldn't have killed him, I wanted to kill him myself, I wanted him to suffer as I had suffered. Seven days I was raped,, four days I was tortured, whipped in the extremeties, sliced all over my body, and three hours left there to die, with each heart beat an agonizing pain all over my body. I wanted to let him experience what I had experienced, but that oppurtunity was taken from me." Shannon looks away from Alex. Tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "So, fast forward to meeting my best friend. I knew she had a deep trauma as well, the way she looked and acted told me of something horrible happening in her life. She could see past my smiles, and even approached me asking me why my smiles were so fake. She asked me why I smiled at all. I had told her because I hated the pity people gave me, I hated the condenscending tone people had when I was sad. She said she understood. We became instant friends, and everywhere I went, she was there, and everywhere she went, I followed. People couldn't understand why a "happy" person like me could hang out with such a depressing blackhole of a girl. I beat the shit out of anyone who insulted her, jokingly or not. I became merciless. Got a few suspensions for it too. Months later I tell her my story and she tells me hers. Her father and uncle both molested and raped her throughout her life. I'm not going to say anymore because it's not my story to tell."
"Why tell all of this to me Jake?"
"Because I see the same pain I saw in her eyes, in your eyes. Different story probably but the pain is the same. Your pain is very real and very true, just as mine was. And just as I couldn't help her with her problems, and just as I can't cope with mine, I can't help you with yours if thats why you came here." When Jake is finished with his story he looks at Shannon who's fully crying now so he closes his eyes and sings a sad but beautiful song of a boy who defeats the boogeyman just to become like him, hollow and misunderstood. He silently weeps with tears running down his face with no intention of stopping. Shannon looks at him and tries to comfort him, but no words are able to come to her mouth so she hugs him. "You asked me who I am, and I told you. A broken, emotionally scarred, mentally dead boy who's fixated on the girl who meant so much to him. I failed once before, but I will not fail again." Jake opens his eyes and says four simple words that carry the many weights of his life, "I love you Christine." And backing away slowly from Shannon and pulling out the same gun that failed him before. He holds it in his mouth, with it pointing to his brain, and pulls the trigger.
