poem/1st time

I read in a manga it said virgins never die,
I gave up my 1st time to a stranger who said hi
She wasn't pretty she wasn't young,
but she was willing so in my mind it had to be done
As a boy I had done many things,
but not once have I ever felt so unclean

I Ate some lizards, played with bugs, kicked dead animals,
even watched a goat be cleaned
Shame and embarrassment butterfly's in your stomach regret
and cold sweats trapped me in a net

I hated being last I hated being a virgin I was ashamed,
and now I'm sick to my stomach
I loathed the non virgins who said save it for some one special,
like salt on cuts don't mock me cause I'm a virgin
My friends would say haha your the group virgin,
don't be a bitch and sleep with some women

Movies and t.v share 1st times like its ecstasy
love and fun like your floating tee hee
Now I'm stuck with an emotional scar
4years later still messes up my start

Young and dumb messed me up,virgins never die
cause innocence is for the young
Sex isn't evil I'm told its fun,and now
I'm a non virgin saying save it for your special one

I am an asshole... but I'm not a dick.
I never give the poundings, but I won't take your shit.
I'm not a sexist... I'm not the racist south.
I could upset your stomach, or I could leave a bad taste in your mouth.
I am the truth. Hard to hear and it's like getting hit with spikes.
I may poke at you, but in the end, I'm the one who's right.
I don't pull punches, and I just might kick.
But you're the one that is making you sick.
So don't blame me for your mass of problems.
The only thing I'll do is tell your ass to drop 'em.
And I may be offensive, and I might be blunt.
But am I the jerk for calling out the real cunt?
So don't crucify me for my sharp tongue.
I'll climb off the cross before you're done.
And I'll use my blade to cut you down.
My name is the problem, but I'm the one YOU found.

*tips hat* Good sir that made my day your poem was amazing.

Thanks. I'm alright. Yours was good, too.

Must of read your poem 20 times now idk why but I'm really feeling it.
you should enter it in the next contest.^_^

It's alright. I've made better and worse. I'm not contest-level anyway.

Normally I'd say I'm not much of poem guy, but I've got one under my belt now, and I recently had to read over 700 for a class. I'm still not confident I can give good feedback on one, but I can say I agree with the message in yours, dmans.



This line could use some punctuation or a bit of revising. As is, it took me several reads to get what it is.



Something should be done about either the 3rd of 4th line in this stanza. When you have the 4th one immediately after the 3rd one, it makes it sound as the advice given in the 3rd line is the mockery being referred to when I think it's referring to the lines that follow. Correct me if I'm wrong.

1st part about fixing it...I know it sounds forced but I kept fiddling with it but
Decided to just put it in. Lol not really funny but I'm really bad at punctuation
I looked like to many "," so I took them out.

2nd part...yes I was referring to the advice I remember them coming off smug, or
Superior like smh.

3rd sorry for late reply I come on every other day

Don't under sell your self bro

More than I've been coming on lately. Also, your avatar disturbs me.

For your first poem, this is pretty good. The key is too just refine the style and make sure to read it over so it makes sense. I've had that problem with some of my pieces, but the friendly folks on the writing section told me how to fix it!


Also:

Lol yea your not the 1st to say so

I need to label better next time...1st time is the name of the poem so its not my 1st its my 2nd poem .Still thanks
For the compliment.