Quad's Poem stuff, I guess.
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The first is a bit fragmented imo; don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like you're trying a bit too hard. It's a collection of musings that don't really have a narrative structure to them, and so I don't think it flows very well. The overarching structure whereby you finish most paragraphs with an action is a bit hipster for my tastes, but not invalid. I just think you could do with cutting it down and giving it a clearer direction.
The second one, however, I love. It may have helped that it's shorter (and rhymes more), but I really like how you've punctuated the longer paragraphs with the short ones about the days. The consistency in the similar way you start the pairs of paragraphs helps bind it all together, and the longer sentences and subtle rhyming words keep the rhythm going. There's less anguish and more personality in this one, which I think lends it a certain, less speculative beauty.
The second one, however, I love. It may have helped that it's shorter (and rhymes more), but I really like how you've punctuated the longer paragraphs with the short ones about the days. The consistency in the similar way you start the pairs of paragraphs helps bind it all together, and the longer sentences and subtle rhyming words keep the rhythm going. There's less anguish and more personality in this one, which I think lends it a certain, less speculative beauty.
