School Cupid Adventures

Hello Guys,

here's another story, but this one contains multiple chapters that I intend to put at least one a week. Any feedback is welcome enjoy.

PROLOGUE

“Yeah, yeah, I'm up! I'm up!”

I hear the alarm on my first day of school. I set it up earlier than usual because I felt like it. To be honest, I was looking forward to enter the school I transferred to. I got up and brushed my teeth as I was working with my mental map about how to get there and my classes of the day. I fixed my hair a bit and put on my new uniform. Yes, this is the day I can go to school without stress and problems, because those days are officially over.

“Morning Daisuke ^.^” My mom greets me with her kind smile that me and my dad love. It always takes our problems away.

“Morning mom”

“so you're up this early eh? Looking forward to you new school year”

“as a matter of fact, I am, dad”

My father reads the news on his tablet. Checking weather and traffic updates like he does every morning. Both my parents and workaholics and by irony, they work at rival companies. You could say that their competition brought them together. They have not been fired because they are so good in what they do that they better make an exception with them, because other companies would love to hire my parents any day. I sit down and have my usual breakfast with toast and cereal and the home made Orange juice we get everyday

“So Daisuke... you're going to be a school cupid again in this school?” Mother asked

“No, mom, I am retired”

“So you are stopping that so you can look for a girlfriend?”

“Nope, I am not interested in girlfriends dad. I rather leave it up to fate”

“I am sure you will find a lovely girl, Daisuke. One that really loves you and will stay by your side no matter what” his mom has a slight sad face “you cannot be broken hearted forever”

“I got over it mom, relax. I just gave up. Three strikes and I was out”

I grab my lunch and finish drinking the juice.

“See you mom, dad. Both of you have a nice day!” I said while leaving the house and breathing the morning fresh air with no worries at all.

Yes, I fell in love three times up until now, and all of them were a disaster. My first love was a childhood friend who is just a year older than me. I loved her since elementary and we used to hang out together in games and stuff. She was also my next door neighbor. I went to the same middle school as her so I could be with her and worked up the courage to confess to her. I read book of being a gentleman and how to conquer hearts I practiced scenes and plays in order to be the best man around... All that effort for nothing. She only thought of me as a little brother and a friend. That same day she confessed to her crush and got her boyfriend. So you see the troubles when the one you love you see every day is with someone else because you have a one sided love. However, there were a few classmates in a similar situation and knew of my research about relationships, being a gentleman and manly and other topics, so I gave them tips and helped them with their work. Turns out that all that work paid off and all guys got the girlfriends. That was depressing. When my first love graduated, she also moved away with her family, but I know she must still be with her boyfriend enjoying their youths. I haven't seen her since.

My second love appeared on my last year in middle school. She was a transfer student and she was a beauty. Many guys fell in love with her as well but they were rejected and fell like flies. I on the other hand, improved my research online and joined many guilds of gentlemen and started my moves to get her. I got happy when I noticed I was getting some progress as she showed some interest. However, you hate it when you work do hard to make a girl fall in love with you and then a guy appears and love at first sight takes her away from you. That guy did in one day what I could hardly do in months. They hooked up in one weekend. I was so devastated because my efforts were for nothing. But the irony was that the same strategies I used to help other guys with the girls they liked were successful and I got fame outside of my school. I had to create a website to keep my name secret and the success rate of relationships increased in many places. I was giving advices on dates, confessions, preparations, and even how to make sure the girl feels special almost every day. That girl I loved stopped paying attention to me ever since she got her boyfriend so I stopped talking to her. We went to different highs schools after graduation and I don't want to see her again.

In my previous highs school, as a first year, I was known in the boy underworld as the School Cupid, because I could create and fix relationships in record time and I got some profit from my website. All was doing well until I met my third and last love. She was not that popular but to me it was a sight I was looking forward to every day. So for the last time I went on research even asking girls in incognito to gather all the data I would need, I tried all my strategies and went all out this time for sure I was going to get a girlfriend. I still remember the sensation when out of the blue she confessed to me when she took me to the gym after school... All that happiness disappeared when the truth was revealed. She was playing with me the entire time because she made a bet of making me fall in love. I was ridiculed by the other girls and some guys labeled me as loser as I was humiliated. However, this time I would not go without a fight. As soon as I knew I was going to move and transfer to another school I set the plan into motion. The same people that laughed at me were also customers of my website. So I prepared a “leak” to be released on the school newspaper that was going to be released the week before summer. As for the girl... well, I created a secret admirer and made my moves to mover her away. And boy.. I did. She was in love with a person she thought have never seen before. Then I sent her my last letter when summer started, where I wrote one of my best poems yet, but at the end, I attached a picture of me with a note on the back that said “if you hadn't played with my heart... this relationship would be real and would continue”. I left for vacation and shut down the website after hell broke loose.

So my days as school cupid are over, and no more love.. just books, videogames and pr0n. I am happy in how I chose to live my life for now. I feel so relieved that I look like I had the best day of my life. After all I will have just an ordinary school life. I checked none of my friends and classmates were going to this school so my past will be left behind.

The path to the new school is not hard. It's a 10 minute ride on bus but I chose to walk because there are so many stores and views on the streets. Specially the beach if you know what I mean. I see many other students doing the same as me so it was a more normal walk than I expected. I turn on my music player and keep on my way. I reached the school 10 minutes ahead and changed my shoes. The school is rather spacious but I took the chance to explore the school before classes started so I know my way. I do have to admit, this school has some really beautiful girls, mixed, foreigner, pure Japanese, tanned, dyed. More beauty than any school I have attended and makes me a bit uneasy. Anyways I head towards the auditorium for the entrance ceremony to start the new school year as any ordinary student...

… I hope.

Chapter 1: Helping an old friend

You have to hate those entrance ceremonies. However it was an opportunity to check on as much people as possible. Nothing to be impressed and you can prepare your stereotype ruler to mark many students and get a good idea of their personalities... I was far away but judging from the expressions from many guys the student council president is a hottie. I really don't care since she will be out in a few months. Besides that, there was nothing interesting.

In order to keep a low profile, I decided to act like an otaku with a passion for computers (not far from the truth) so I don't get much attention. I waited for everyone in my class to get their seats and got mine on the back row near the inner wall, a perfect spot if you ask me. I sat down and took my magazine to start reading while our homeroom teacher was away. I also took the chance to listen to people's conversations...

“He was an an idiot, I tell you...” A girl says

“I cannot believe he was really like that...” Her friend replies

“Dammit how could I screw up so badly?” one guy in regret.

“you didn't play the cards right, dude...” his friend replies.

It looked like what I read online was right. Ever since my website went down the ratio of successful relationships dropped dramatically. Not surprising since us men are the cause of 75% of the breakups, 15 is the girlfriend's fault, and 10% is mutual guilt. No student approached me and I was fine that way. For now I am transparent and can play dumb as much as I want. Everything ends when the homeroom teacher who is also the gym teacher enters.

I left the classroom at lunchtime and went outside to take a better look at the “local wildlife”. As well as getting accustomed to the campus now that is crowded. There is nothing new to see, school idols of both genders, some yankees, some sumbags... nothing out of the ordinary, but I am getting an idea on who to avoid and the places to not get into touble.

“Unbelievable... Daisuke is in this school”

A very familiar voice from my childhood calls my name. Japan is really a small place. I look at him.

“Daigo, I never expected to see a familiar face here” I replied.

“*laughs* never did I expected to see the school cupid in person in a school like this one” he sits beside me and eating his yakisoba bread.

“I am in class 2-A and you?” he asked.
“2-D” I replied and kept eating my lunch.

“I wish you were in the same class as me... I could use some of your help”

“I retired Daigo, no more love counseling from me”

“I see... but is not that what I need help with” Daigo looks a bit depressed “I need help in how to cure myself from a broken heart... my girlfriend... broke up with me to be with someone else she met a few weeks ago...”

I noticed his hands and he has punched something hard several times and his knuckles swelled up and bled recently. To be honest he didn't look so well.

“I finally got my appetite back... because I saw them, exiting a love hotel very lovey dovey.” he looked down as he finished his lunch “you know the feeling, right?”

I felt really bad for him, and since it was an advice to get over his pain I chose to help him. Nothing wrong since he hasn't asked for revenge or something similar

“Tell me everything” I replied “So I can get the full idea”

from his story it was clear that they were not very compatible, and that Daigo did everything to keep the relationship going ans she didn't do much (almost nothing), and the breakup was more that she wanted something else from him and he could not deliver... Sometimes it goes against a personality.

“You're the first one I told the truth, Daisuke... so please help”

I finished my lunch and thought for few seconds. The answer was simple.

“You will not do anything to her nor her new boyfriend”

“You say I should just shut up and swallow it?”

“in a way, yes, but not entirely. You are to only support her happiness.”

“huh?”

“first of all, accepting the truth that things would never work out is the first step. The second one is to become a support”

“Approve her relationship?”

“No, you idiot, her happiness in general. Keep the same kindness you have shown her when you wanted to be her boyfriend. Help her when she needs it and protect her as any friend would do.”

“Easier said than done”

“it is easy, but what we need to do first is to cure you from broken love sickness, and that is my specialty...”

The bell rang and I gave Daigo my email and number so we cold discuss the plan in detail after school and the commodity from our respective rooms. To cure from a broken heart like this one is based on a single premise: the “can't live without you” is nothing that a romantic lie. The “Rehab” depends on how your life was before meeting the girl you fell in love with, and in Daigo's case, it was not a bad one, So I took a week to help him go back to a life of single. The end result was a Daigo close to the one I remembered in elementary school: an idiot.

“thanks man, how can I repay you?” he asked. We were having lunch at the same location.

“you know the school and some of the students, I might need your information”

“if it's information you want, you will get it!” He gives me the thumb sign. But I know he's not very reliable. Any help is welcome, I say.

“too bad you cannot help the other kids in matters of love, you would become really rich” He added.

“it works on others, but they never worn with me, and three times I tried, three times I failed”

“Ooooh... sorry to hear that. You sure are unlucky”

“tell me something I do not know... However I ask you to not tell anyone on how I helped you, I hope you can keep this secret”

“count on me, I never reveal secrets” He says that, but he is a freaking canary when it comes to gossip and such. I just pray that this time it's for real.

A couple of months later Daigo's ex found out her new boyfriend cheated on her and she dumped him on the spot. She was devastated because she gave him a lot of her heart. A cured Daigo was there to give support and cheer her up. They became great friends after weeks of not talking. I later overheard some girls talking that she was starting to fall for Daigo again, but this time it was one sided since he only saw her a s a friend and in relationships is hard to return after a betrayal. It does not matter if it's the man or woman the traitor. But that's getting ahead too much. There are still other things to discuss since Big Mouth Daigo started spreading the word... I hope to kill him one day

Sorry for the long Hiatus before chapter 1.

Chapter 2: Will the past repeat itself?

“Here” Daigo tossed me a can of juice right after we finished our lunches.

This time we were at the rooftop remembering the hold times. All the pranks we pulled on the girls and teacher in that elementary school. Those were good time as all of us can remember when you were more carefree. We even remembered the first adventures when I started being a consultant in middle school and how many guys were able to get their girlfriends, some tasks were easy, others were really hard. We laughed at the awkward moments we had back then when he helped me in one hard work because a boy was so shy he needed an hour practice a day on how to talk to girls.

“By the way, Daisuke...” Daigo paused “what about Utako-chan?”

A name I haven't heard in years, my first love Kirishima Utako. I dozed off for a few seconds after the name brought me memories.

“Do you know of her whereabouts?” he asked again.

“No, I don't. Sorry” I finished my can “After she moved out I haven't heard from her since” I tossed the can to the garbage bin.

“To be honest, I thought you two were going to work”

“but it didn't” I cut his talk “I know wherever she is she must be happy and with that I am fine. I don't care about the rest”

“Sorry, man. I never thought it is still affecting you”

“I had my three strikes... I'm out”

“What about the other two?”

The conversation was interrupted when we heard a voice in one of the small spaces between the gym and the storage house. We went to check it out and there was a freshman holding a picture. He was talking to himself in low voice so I could not get what he was saying. He then put the picture inside his uniform and left.

“I know it was you who created the website: “romance and manliness” Daisuke” He looked at me “I don't know what happened to you, but ever since you dropped out and shut down the site we guy were having a hard time getting into a relationship or even keeping them” He looked at me “Don't you think you should give them a hand? You always used to love helping others”.

“I do like to help others... that has not changed. But in matters of romance, I stepped out. The irony is to much for me to bear. And if they were to find out it was me, everything would be over as well. I was a matter of when all will be over”

“Irony? You mean your three strikes?”

“Yes” I replied “Come on, the guy who had advices that give 985 of success in romance and could not get a girlfriend using the same methods? I don't have the heart to continue on that path, I had enough”

“I see. But you know, now that you have the no girlfriend policy, you can help others and no one will notice if you play the cards right. Besides... your advices can come form a price this time”

“a price?”

“come to the rooftop after school. You will see then” Daigo left and ran to his classroom a I kept walking in my own thoughts and bad memories.

After school was over I was at the rooftop. It was a rooftop where I gave my first confession to Utako. I remember it clearly because I worked so hard for it and practiced for countless hours at home because of how shy I was. It was a good effort. She was the closest to me and I wanted it to be like that always. But a love for a younger brother was not the love I was wishing for. Her words buried me that day and her confession to her crush that same day was my tombstone. She was so into her boyfriend that our friendship was over and she left without saying goodbye. It took me 6 months to be able to recover from the blows.

“Oi Daisuke! Stop daydreaming and come over here” Daigo's voice interrupted my thoughts as I turned around and saw this shy, sorrowful guy

“So you're the one with the picture?” I asked and the guy nodded.

“I am... Yoshida Kenta” He says in low voice.

“Can you believe it Daisuke? He's the son of the president of one of the most famous game retail chains in Japan, FamiGame”.

“Ye....Yes.. I was told you could help me with my case... and I am willing to pay anything to get my wish granted” He had some determination in his eyes.

“you want me to hook you up you with your childhood friend, am I right?” Daigo and Kenta were surprised that I knew what type of girl he was after.

“H... How...?”

“the photo you carry. It is common these days for a high school student to take pictures of the person he or she likes with the cellphone or any small camera that can be sneaked into the school. Making a photo much more personal... much more valuable. Secondly, judging from your action that day, I say that the photo has you both in it and was taken a long time ago, because if it was recent, you wouldn't be sulking and living on the past. She must be a third year, because since graduation will be soon, you might lose her forever, and also she has been around with her friends and spent much less time with you” All my stalk pierced through his chest like arrows from the sky and put him down like a corpse.

“Yes, it's all true!!” Kenta gets on his knees crying “I think you are the one who can help me get us together and make me her boyfriend... Please!!! I beg of you!! I will give you anything?”

“You're asking for something that is highly unlikely to happen. Maybe facing the facts would be a better op....”

“I will give you a limited edition of the Ancient Prophecies V: Skyfall!”

“...oooopportunity to fight all obstacles and aim to the ultimate goal!!” Yes, videogames are my weakness, specially when it's from a franchise I love to play. My will was broken.

“You... will?” Kenta Asked

“Yes, under three conditions: first, you must never tell anyone about what we are going to do, no one shall know; second, you will do EXACTLY as I say and follow my instructions thoroughly; third, you must promise solemnly that if all goes well you will cherish her and act like a man, and if we fail, you will make sure she is happy no matter if she is with another person.”

Kenta was a bit shocked but he agreed with my conditions.

“Good” Daigo said “now we are a team on this and I am excited to see you back in action Daisuke”

“so you are sticking with us eh? Very well, I might need your sources as well” I looned at Kenta “alright we will initiate the first stage”

“First stage” Kenta Asked.

“Yes, Stage 1: Intelligence gathering. We need to know about her, as much as we can”

“but she's my childhood friend”

“yes, but how well do you KNOW her? You might know about her a s a friend, that is fine, we can start with that. But we need to know about her as a girl, a woman... and to do that.. we must go to your place. You got yourself some new gaming buddies” I smirked.

When you are going to help a fellow guy in love to get his crush if to first get the guy's trust in what you plan to do. You cannot appear as a problem solver but more like a friend that will give a hand and will not betray him. After Daigo and I went to Kenta's house we played games for a while and did a study session so we had plenty of time for planning and making sure his family was not paying us attention anymore like vigilantes. Kenta sat on his bed and Daigo sat on his desk chair. I remained standing so we could all chat and prepare for the plan.

“How are you going to help me to make my feelings reach Akane-Chan?” Kenta asked.

“I will become something like a middle man, like an extension of you. Being her childhood friend is an advantage as well as a hindrance. I will become a new set of eyes and mind for you in this task”

“huh?”

“He means he will be a romantic version of you, Kenta. He will, in a way, fall in love with her for you” Daigo explained

“What?” Kenta got surprised.

“It's not what you think Kenta. The goal is to make her fall in love with you, the real Kenta that is in front of me. In order to do that I must know you and “be you” when it comes on getting strategies to reach her heart. Other guys will just give you advice, but they contradict your personality and that will reduce your chances to even zero. So if I become the you in love with her purely, I will be able to make plans for you and how to get closer to her. Since you're her childhood friend, I will not make contact with her, I swear”

“He knows what he's doing, Kenta. Believe me” Daigo Added.

I took out a clean notebook and a mechanical pencil, put on my resting glasses
and got ready

“now I need you to tell me everything about you and her” I added.

Chapter 4: Operation Squire

There is a fine line between stalking and information gathering. When you're a school cupid you're in a position which by no means you should be in contact with the client's target girl. So you have to resort in following her without being noticed. Think of it as either detective work or an espionage adventure, risking yourself of being detected gives me quite an excitement that, I must confess, I missed for a long time. To accomplish this you must master multitasking like doing your homework and listening to your favorite anime at the same time.

The information I gathered from Kenta was susbtantial but not complete. There were a few loose ends that could make us miss the mark completely. I need to get the profile of Arima Akane, not a generic one. Which lead me to this, being near her and her friends at lunchtime. I opened my computing magazine and started eating my lunch, with me eyes on the magazine, but my ears on Akane's conversation. Sometimes my eyes divert to her in order to see her reaction to some situations. You not only listen to a girl's chat, you take note of the speed, tone, timing, mood, facial and body expressions. But I have to be swift and keep focusing on my magazine or else I would be detected, and if that happens two things may happen: either you get categorized as a stalking pervert, or the target will place the attention on you. Both cases will jeopardize the plan so I must be patient. A stalker wants to know everything all the time, a good investigator or spy just takes time to get pieces of information at different times and different days. Making the encounters “casual” and avoid suspicion. I gave myself a week to get to know this Arima Akane.

For my first case in a year, the similarities to Utako started to take form and were uncanny sometimes. Bringing back some happy and yet sad memories that I wish I could forget to focus on Akane. However they keep on haunting. On Monday was lunch time, On Tuesday it was at cleaning duties, Wednesday was the fast food restaurant she works at part time while I was at the rival restaurant across the street, Thursday was school at P.E., and Friday I took the chance to watch the movie she went to see with her friends. With all this, I finally got all the information I needed about her and I could start a plan. Interestingly enough, I plan to use my memories of my first love to help me in getting these two together. On Saturday, Kenta and I went to Daigo's house to prepare the plan for the following days. Daigo bought a big whiteboard and hung it on the wall the day before and some markers. More ackward it could not be...

“So” Kenta asked “what did you conclude?”

“alright. The good news is that with my profiling, you two are a very good match which increases our chances of success.”

“And the bad news” Daigo asked.

“two bad news. The first one is that she does not think of you more than a close childhood friend”
An arrow strikes Kenta's heart.

“The second bad news is that there is some interested in one of the boys from another class since there was talk about him with her friends, is this evolves, an interest will change to crush” I said it bluntly.

Kenta falls down and his face is pale “What are we going to do?”

“It's too early to admit defeat, get up Kenta. For I am not done” I replied “The bad news are not bad signs but two pressing matters that will remind us to act quickly and smart” I went to the white and started drawing “so in order to succeed we need to attack two points”

“Akane and that guy” Daigo added.

“Yes. Which makes you, Daigo, a valuable piece in this game” I replied

“Gotcha, give me the name of that guy and I shall contact my sources to get to know about him”

“Yamada Takeshi”

“Wait what? The captain of the basketball club?” Kenta asked.

“Yes, the one and only. Quite popular with girls, I heard” Daigo added.

“I don't know much about him since I am new in school” I cut the conversation “I don't care about what people say of him, but to know our foe for real”

“Gotcha” Daigo agreed “I will try to dig as much information about him as possible”

“and what should I do?” Kenta asked.

“you, my friend, will go through some training. The purpose is to add some more value to the features Akane knows about you and get her to perceive the ones she still does not know and we can use in our favor. You better be ready.”

From my research, Akane is a very strong willed girl and is sharp when it comes to being social. Which means any half assed work will be detected and may screw up the plans. On that weekend I trained Kenta in the ways of self confidence, on knowing the limits. The values of timing and sequence of events. The objective is to create “events” in which Akane will start seeing Kenta from a different perspective besides the Childhood friend focus. For that we need to raise interest in her in seeing him as a guy and to give him a chance to reach her heart. To my surprise Kenta is not as shy as I previously thought so progress was slow and steady and things were starting to sink in. To be sure, we dedicated the entire week in training and focus while Daigo had his time in information gathering and I was getting some extra details on Akane so we could start on the next phase.

Friday came sooner than expected and were in my room to make the battle plans.

“Ok Daigo, What did you find about Yamada-Senpai?” I asked

“He's perfect” Daigo replied “perfect scores, status, PE skills, and even charisma”.

“... That's not good” I replied

“W … what do you mean?” Kenta was getting scared.

“You see Kenta, there is no perfect person in this world. Everyone has to have pros and cons on who they are”.

“He could be hiding something” I added

“Maybe, but my sources cannot determine if it's a secret to be worried about”

“Indeed. He could be an otaku, a pervert, or perhaps a music lover. It could be anything”

“I will continue digging, but what I can tell is that he might have eyes for Akane-chan”

“He will not have her!!” Kenta cut Daigo “I won't allow it!”

“Easy, man” I replied “I expect a worse case scenario in which he is a good-perfect guy. We still have the advantage”

“Indeed, so it's time for Kenta to act”

“Operation Squire” I smiled.

Guys who are in love with a childhood friend who don't see them as more than a friend have a very strong advantage compared to total strangers. As long as he doesn't mess up in the past, the girl would have her guard down most of the time. Thus creating great moments in situations that would seem trivial. The first step is to make them get as close as they were in the past. So the first step had Kenta visiting the fast food restaurant where Akane is working when her shift is close to end.

“Are we not going to follow him?” Daigo asked as we saw Kenta getting inside and the place was empty.
“Only if an emergency arises. Besides that he's on his own. If he has the feeling that we are backing him up all the time he can make a mistake thinking that we would help him fix it. So this is better because under pressure he needs to focus more and be more confident on himself”

“Oh yeah, then why are we using these binoculars?” He asked as we went in camouflage mode

“Expressions and reactions Daigo” I replied “It is the way how I measure the success of the... OOOhhhhh ho ho ho ho!!” I stopped when I see Akane be startled a bit and blushing slightly at a comment Kenta made.

After 20 minutes passed, Akane's shift ended and she walked back home with Kenta by her side. She seemed more relaxed than the times I saw her at school and the restaurant before, so this was a good sign.

“Guys, guys!!” Kenta was too excited when we communicated through the instant messaging “This was a great day!!”

“come on and tell us, you bastard! Don't keep us in the limbo!” Daigo said.

“Ok, ok. Daisuke, you were right about her current worries. She is very smart, but the college she wants to attend is too strict and the exam is one of the hardest in the region. She cannot quit her job to go to separate classes and she does not want to have a tutor because she doesn't trust them”

“She loves to have fun” I added “but these months are crucial for her future as a professional. She does not want to be a housewife, and I applaud that. But things will only get tougher for her from now on”

“Yes” Kenta continued “Since her mother is working late, Akane-chan arrives home to do the chores, so it leaves her little time... I had to do something, so I offered to go see her and help her clean and maybe help her be comfortable when she studies... I gave her words of encouragements and offered myself as someone she can rely on in these times.”

“Well played” Daigo smiled “nice one, man!”

“You did well. This will allow you to be closer to her as you help her in any way. You will eventually become her listener when she needs someone to talk to and the bond will strengthen. This is just the first step”

“Yes, Daisuke-sensei”

“Shut up with the honorifics. The closer we are to our goal the more delicate we must be. Kenta, from now on you will follow my instructions word by word. no and, if or buts and specially NO EXCUSES. Because right now we must move from childhood friend to closest friend, to crush, love interest and then boyfriend. Don't get cocky because of today's victory”.

“Yes!”

the conversation ended shortly after that. The warning I gave Kenta was more because of my experience with Utako-nee. I was inexperienced and got confident with every victory. I blame myself partially for not being able to make her my girlfriend and see her go with... I wanted to forget but I can't. I have not spoken to her ever since she told me to get off her back and leave her alone when I wanted to warn her... Three years have passed and hardly you forget your first love, specially when it was a person very close to you. I am away from her life as she wanted it and have not heard of her since.

On my desk there is a picture of when we were kids and use to play all day at each others backyard or the nearby park. We used to play house under the elephant in the background and one day I got beat up defending our place against bullies... She cried hard that day and stuck with me in my room waiting until I got better.

“I don't want to become a widow!” I remember those words when I woke up next day and she was holding my hand.

I placed the picture back on my desk and went to the internet to calm myself down. I promised that even though we are apart like this, I will always be her friend.

“I hope you are well also, Utako-nee”

I didn't read it, but I'll give you a few tips on why I didn't -

You need to work on your grammar. There are mistakes, and it is distracting. A sentence shouldn't stand alone unless you're making a dramatic statement of some sort by singling it out. It needs to be part of a paragraph. However, when you're switching speakers make sure to always start a new paragraph otherwise it will be confusing. Switch up where you place your sentences so it doesn't become stale - place them in the front, middle, and/or back of differentiating paragraphs to keep people's attention attached to the dialogue. You're either writing a script or you're not, so don't just lazily throw unattached dialogue one after the other and then lambaste the reader with paragraphs afterwards.

Even if you're writing from a Japanese perspective, you're writing in English, so it is extremely unprofessional to attach honorifics. It makes your writing look immature, and there are other ways to show the relationship between the characters without using a method that doesn't work with our language (like, I don't know - character development)?

You're constantly leaving off punctuation, or just plain not capitalizing the first letter of each sentence. This is grade school stuff. Also, learn where to put commas and where to leave them off. Also, try not to repeat the same word multiple times in a paragraph. It is just sloppy writing. For instance, you did it here: "The warning I gave Kenta was more because of my experience with Utako-nee. I was inexperienced(,) and ..." It isn't EXACTLY the same word, but it is still highly repetitive. If you thought out and matured your sentences ahead of time by thinking through exactly how you want to convey your message then it wouldn't be necessary for you to emphasize the same thing multiple times.

It is fine to make mistakes with sentence structure and what-not in dialogue if that is how the person naturally speaks, but things like this show clearly your lack of understanding: "Kenta, from now on you will follow my instructions word by word. no and, if or buts and specially NO EXCUSES." This would be better written in this way (without changing much of anything): "Kenta, from now on you will follow my instructions word by word - no and, if, or buts about it, and 'specially NO EXCUSES."

Anyway, as it is now this piece of work is pretty much unreadable.

I am not a professional writer and English is not my native language. The only way to practice my writing is by doing it, and I welcome all feedback, including yours.

I thank you and will start working on them when I have the time. I am sorry that while I am learning to write I made you uncomfortable with my story.

To be honest I have no problem with your grammar and writing structure, though if you wanna focus on improving it, feel free to do so =)

Clearly, this is no masterpiece, but we should welcome all who want to practice or enjoy writing. Reviews like this, however, can seem a little to harsh and can prevent the people they are critiquing from writing more and practicing. On that note, I'm going to point out some of your points in your critique and explain how I feel about it.



Not if someone is learning English for the first time. From what I have heard, English is the hardest language to learn as an adult. With that aside, good grammar should be practiced. Also, by adding "This is grade school stuff," it seems to have added an insult and strays from objectivity, which is the main goal of a critique.



It's not really distracting, unless if you focus on the grammar too much. The sentence structure is mostly right, but he should focus on his paragraph structure. It's not really necessary because the author will eventually work it out as he writes more. I do believe he does switch the speakers with new paragraphs throughout, so it's really unnecessary to add that sentence in your critique. Also, you might want to check your own writing if you want to appear professional:



I pointed this paragraph out because you start two sentences in a row with, "Also," which detracted my attention a bit, so you could either conjoin the sentences or write them differently. You could keep a good structure throughout your critique if you get rid of words and phrases that aren't needed, like "just" from "It is just sloppy writing." You can also keep good structure if you either use conjunctions for every place you can, or never use them; this is a subtle grammar practice that actually helps the audience while reading. This last paragraph would look like this if I wrote it:



Overall, you should check the grammar in your sentences and work on sentence/paragraph structure. It's pretty toned, but could use some help. I would also work towards a more objective point-of-view to appear more professional as you are critiquing someone who needs help with their writing. I hope this has helped you.

He said at the top that he was open to all commentary, so I gave my advice. I'm not going to be super strict with my writing style here, because I'm not putting out a piece of written work like a story or poem for critique. I don't see why I am being attacked for doing what he asked for, and obviously you're putting a negative tone of voice to my post that I didn't actually have when writing it. I did feel slightly regretful when I found out that he wasn't a native English speaker, but I still felt that my advice could be useful to him in the future. If he took offense, then I am apologetic, but I don't feel that I should be in any way shamed for what I wrote. I didn't say that he should stop writing or that his writing wasn't worthwhile, but only that it could use some work before he decides to present it again.

I did not attack you as you claim I did. In fact, I generally agreed with what you said about the writing piece. If you actually read my post, I generally stated that it is important to follow through on some of the grammatical rules you have pointed out when critiquing. It would come across as a more professional critique instead of what I saw it as. I felt some of the words you chose to use did not carry your message as intended and commented as such. I was merely trying to help you with critiquing other pieces, if you choose to do so. Sorry if I have offended you.

I also have to add that I am writing from a first person perspective, which is one of my biggest weaknesses. I am not mad or upset. But I will fix these chapters once I have the time and add the new ones I am working on. As well as another story I have in mind.

I will keep on going and expect an update soon