Something i worked on. Looking for feedback
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On a popular movie blog they have a annual event thing where different bloggers post a pitch for a fantasy movies of there's. I participated in the most recent one. I was hoping my fellow fakku brethren could give me there honest opinion on my pitch
I am generally hard to annoy/piss so if you have some negative criticisms i'm fine with that(Although if you do would like to know why. Telling me it sucks doesn't help me if you don't say why). I want to be a filmmaker myself, and i would rather get your honest opinion so i can learn from it rather then end up repeating mistakes
With all that said, if there is something that you find particularly well done that would be nice
I am generally hard to annoy/piss so if you have some negative criticisms i'm fine with that(Although if you do would like to know why. Telling me it sucks doesn't help me if you don't say why). I want to be a filmmaker myself, and i would rather get your honest opinion so i can learn from it rather then end up repeating mistakes
With all that said, if there is something that you find particularly well done that would be nice
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Tegumi wrote...
Try the Writing section?I wasn't sure precisely which section this fitted, which is why put it in random.
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No, just no.
The characters seem to lack depth, its just the same damn cliches that you come to expect from a Sci Fi (I refuse to put down Sy Fy)movie
The plot is mediocre at best
And I'm not even gonna start on the cast.
The characters seem to lack depth, its just the same damn cliches that you come to expect from a Sci Fi (I refuse to put down Sy Fy)movie
The plot is mediocre at best
And I'm not even gonna start on the cast.
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Hmm. It's a bit dry to read, but that's probably from trying to pack so much into a short synopsis. Not really sure things mesh together that well.
So Arabella is in a relationship with a prominent(?) member of a rebellion that's hiding the fact. Yet when she discovers the fact, she's not at all upset about the implications surrounding her relationship? The disillusionment she feels towards Gavin should begin here for sure. I get that you want a major shock later on, but in that case you should make Gavin's position in the rebellion a secret then.
The rebellion is non-bloody, in a medieval setting? What's the world like in general that she's shocked about bloodshed? I mean, eliminating entrenched nobility is a situation where you should expect tons of death. This segues into a related issue. The princess leaves the castle alone? In a time of open rebellion? I don't see this as possible. She sneaks out, and doesn't suggest an earlier meeting time with her father.
Arabella is put into a position of lookout with no problem when she's the daughter of their principal enemy? She detects an approaching army and they don't arrive for another day when she and Gavin traveled there in less than one total day? You need to extend their travel time or throw in a mention of magical travel. Maybe throw in a transition scene with Walter and Uril concerning the princess's betrayal and the attack on the rebels.
Uril steps down? Why? What prompts this major decision in a time of crisis. I don't really get this action at all.
Arabella's fight with Gavin makes more sense if Gavin was hiding his position in the rebellion.
I'd tweak the timeline to make logistics more sound. Army travel time, Arabella's travel, and give her more time at the manor of the Papons to see this odd breed of nobility.
I'd make the last scene more of a fight scene. Taking Arthur hostage with ease would be pretty anti-climatic.
that's all I'll comment on right now. It's pretty good, just seems a bit rushed, without a good general outline of how you want things to happen.
So Arabella is in a relationship with a prominent(?) member of a rebellion that's hiding the fact. Yet when she discovers the fact, she's not at all upset about the implications surrounding her relationship? The disillusionment she feels towards Gavin should begin here for sure. I get that you want a major shock later on, but in that case you should make Gavin's position in the rebellion a secret then.
The rebellion is non-bloody, in a medieval setting? What's the world like in general that she's shocked about bloodshed? I mean, eliminating entrenched nobility is a situation where you should expect tons of death. This segues into a related issue. The princess leaves the castle alone? In a time of open rebellion? I don't see this as possible. She sneaks out, and doesn't suggest an earlier meeting time with her father.
Arabella is put into a position of lookout with no problem when she's the daughter of their principal enemy? She detects an approaching army and they don't arrive for another day when she and Gavin traveled there in less than one total day? You need to extend their travel time or throw in a mention of magical travel. Maybe throw in a transition scene with Walter and Uril concerning the princess's betrayal and the attack on the rebels.
Uril steps down? Why? What prompts this major decision in a time of crisis. I don't really get this action at all.
Arabella's fight with Gavin makes more sense if Gavin was hiding his position in the rebellion.
I'd tweak the timeline to make logistics more sound. Army travel time, Arabella's travel, and give her more time at the manor of the Papons to see this odd breed of nobility.
I'd make the last scene more of a fight scene. Taking Arthur hostage with ease would be pretty anti-climatic.
that's all I'll comment on right now. It's pretty good, just seems a bit rushed, without a good general outline of how you want things to happen.
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Mod Note: Topic has been moved from Random to the Writing and Fanfiction section.
After all, writing a plot for a movie or being a sciptwriter does count as writing too, at least to a certain extent.
Sorry for the inconvenience caused.
After all, writing a plot for a movie or being a sciptwriter does count as writing too, at least to a certain extent.
Sorry for the inconvenience caused.
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The characters seem to lack depth,
Well all i can say is that i did try to work on the characters before starting on it, but perhaps that didn't come though. And btw the story is supposed to play with fantasy cliches. It wasn't meant to be a Sci Fi story at all.
Yet when she discovers the fact, she's not at all upset about the implications surrounding her relationship? The disillusionment she feels towards Gavin should begin here for sure. I get that you want a major shock later on, but in that case you should make Gavin's position in the rebellion a secret then.
Well, she didn't really support the kingdoms policy's, so she was already on the rebels side pretty much. And the shock is supposed to be from Gavins mission regarding her, not him being a rebel
The rebellion is non-bloody, in a medieval setting? What's the world like in general that she's shocked about bloodshed? I mean, eliminating entrenched nobility is a situation where you should expect tons of death. T
Well the way i imagined it she hasn't really seen the war between the kingdom and the rebellion up close before. I wanted the second act to kind of focus on her finding out the harsh realities of rebellion are, but i had a bit of trouble doing that
Arabella is put into a position of lookout with no problem when she's the daughter of their principal enemy?
Well i mainly wanted to get Jacquelyn and Arabella to interact, but i suppose i should used a different way
She detects an approaching army and they don't arrive for another day when she and Gavin traveled there in less than one total day? You need to extend their travel time or throw in a mention of magical travel. Maybe throw in a transition scene with Walter and Uril concerning the princess's betrayal and the attack on the rebels.
...i'm going to be honest and admit that didn't really occur to me
Uril steps down? Why? What prompts this major decision in a time of crisis. I don't really get this action at all.
That was supposed to be the father giving Arthur power as a show of fatherly love, but i can see where your coming from. The second draft of i wil try to put in a more logical reason(like maybe uril having a fatal disease that forces him to step down, or something like that)
Arabella's fight with Gavin makes more sense if Gavin was hiding his position in the rebellion.
Again, the fight is supposed to come from finding out about the mission. Because he was assigned to get close to Arabella when they first met, this brings into question there whole relationship for Arabella. Although its possible i didn't make it apparent in the pitch like i wanted it to be.
I'd tweak the timeline to make logistics more sound. Army travel time, Arabella's travel, and give her more time at the manor of the Papons to see this odd breed of nobility.
I would definitely follow this suggestion(or at least try to address the timeline issue)
I'd make the last scene more of a fight scene. Taking Arthur hostage with ease would be pretty anti-climatic.
I went back and forth on whether i wanted it to be a fight scene or not, but i think int eh second draft i would try to make it more of a fight scene like you suggest
It's pretty good, just seems a bit rushed, without a good general outline of how you want things to happen.
Thanks for the compliment. And i did most of it while on vacation, and i had to get the pitch in by a certain date, so that could be why some of the aspects seem rushed to you. I will definitely take your suggestions into account on the second draft