[Summer Contest Entry 2012] A Bad Summer
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Chapter 1
Summer? Hmph.
In school, our English teacher urges the class to narrate their plans for "Summer". I stare out the window hoping mine would never end up the way it did last year. Each student stood up to narrate their story for coming events, but only one got to me. A couple, obviously in love, held hands as they said almost spontaneously, "Our summer will be awesome, as long as we're together".
Ugh. I don't know what movie they got that from, but it made me sick and a bit frustrated.
Now it's my turn. I stand, giving the couple who stood before me a disgusted look. I then turned my gaze to the teacher who waits patiently for an answer. I challenge this patience and came out victorious as she tells me to sit down and meet her after class.
Hours later, I find myself sitting in front of my teacher.
"Okay, what happened, you've obviously been having a rough time so spill it"
I remained silent.
"Did anyone give you any trouble today?"
Silent.
"C'mon John, you can tell your teacher"
"..."
She sighed heavily as she rested her back on the chair. Her next approach was scary. She simply stared into my eyes. I stare back, challenging her to read them.
What could she possibly see, I thought.
"It's because of Paul isn't it".
My eyes widened, giving her the proof she needed. She was right, but how could she have known?!
"He's not dead you know, he just.."
"I Know! Don't think I don't! I just cant forgive him!!"
"Ah, I see", she said, finally putting the pieces together.
I'm sure you're curious and most likely impatient to know what happened. Well here's how it went.
Chapter 2
Paul and I were best friends, we loved doing the same things and never hid anything from each other. This included the daily FAKKU Manga we always read. He was like a brother to me. Only difference was, Paul had another group of friends that he constantly talked to in school. We only had "our" time after class. Though we liked doing the same thing, Paul was way different from me. He was athletic, popular, smart and no-homo, but good looking too. He was perfect.
I stopped meeting up with Paul when I couldn't keep up with his lifestyle. He was so different in school and I couldn't fit in anywhere. I focused my energy to a girl I recently had a crush on. She was just plain, cute and funny. Best of all, she was under the radar of any of "those guys" who just walk in and take any girl they want. It was perfect, and I was hungry for a relationship. What better way to spend my summer than to get that girl in my life.
It was finally the day before summer. I had already asked Sally out to the movies. As I pack my bags, ready to head home, Paul stopped me. For the first time in months he wondered why we hadn't been hanging out. I explained the way I felt about our friendship and even went on gloating about my date with Sally. With that I walked out feeling a sense of triumph as I didn't need his company anymore, just like he hadn't for the past 3 months.
Chapter 3
After my first date, I fell in love with Sally. She was everything I wanted. I can't even go on explaining how I feel around her. I just loved her, and I think she felt the same about me too.
We planned to meet up again and this time, maybe the park.
Days later I tried to get another date with Sally, but she always seemed busy. This got me worried and I had to clear my head. There was a new movie going on in my favorite cinema. It allowed people to jerk of to popular FAKKU movies as it displayed in full HD and 3-D. It was heaven. I bought a ticket, some cinema-tissues and headed for a seat. I enjoyed the view, best of all, no one cared to look at others sitting close to them. We all concentrated on the porn displayed and jerked off accordingly. Some left early, while others went on till the end often satisfied by the moans of other customers. I put the C-T's (- Cinema Tissue) beside me, got out my boner and just as I was about to begin, I heard a slight moan that ended with a name. Paul. I looked behind me, and what I saw made my hands shiver. Sally and Paul were having sex two seats behind me. No one gave them any notice, these things happen often but no one complained. I cried and was helpless to do anything. How could I? He was perfect, what could I have done when all I saw was her satisfied face. I knew there was nothing to do after that. FAKKU taught me. I never called. When she did, I broke my phone and changed my SIM card.
Epilogue
"And the worst thing was, He made Sally leave the school when he broke up with her!". At this point I was crying as I said this to my teacher.
"Now he says as long as he's with another girl, its going to be the best summer?!"
My Teacher only stared, unable to say anything. She did the next best thing and handed me a ticket to another FAKKU movie.
"Hey, wanna join me sometime? I'd be going for this one, we could meet up if you like".
Through my tears, I smiled, thanked her for the ticket and left the class for home.
Summer? Hmph.
In school, our English teacher urges the class to narrate their plans for "Summer". I stare out the window hoping mine would never end up the way it did last year. Each student stood up to narrate their story for coming events, but only one got to me. A couple, obviously in love, held hands as they said almost spontaneously, "Our summer will be awesome, as long as we're together".
Ugh. I don't know what movie they got that from, but it made me sick and a bit frustrated.
Now it's my turn. I stand, giving the couple who stood before me a disgusted look. I then turned my gaze to the teacher who waits patiently for an answer. I challenge this patience and came out victorious as she tells me to sit down and meet her after class.
Hours later, I find myself sitting in front of my teacher.
"Okay, what happened, you've obviously been having a rough time so spill it"
I remained silent.
"Did anyone give you any trouble today?"
Silent.
"C'mon John, you can tell your teacher"
"..."
She sighed heavily as she rested her back on the chair. Her next approach was scary. She simply stared into my eyes. I stare back, challenging her to read them.
What could she possibly see, I thought.
"It's because of Paul isn't it".
My eyes widened, giving her the proof she needed. She was right, but how could she have known?!
"He's not dead you know, he just.."
"I Know! Don't think I don't! I just cant forgive him!!"
"Ah, I see", she said, finally putting the pieces together.
I'm sure you're curious and most likely impatient to know what happened. Well here's how it went.
Chapter 2
Paul and I were best friends, we loved doing the same things and never hid anything from each other. This included the daily FAKKU Manga we always read. He was like a brother to me. Only difference was, Paul had another group of friends that he constantly talked to in school. We only had "our" time after class. Though we liked doing the same thing, Paul was way different from me. He was athletic, popular, smart and no-homo, but good looking too. He was perfect.
I stopped meeting up with Paul when I couldn't keep up with his lifestyle. He was so different in school and I couldn't fit in anywhere. I focused my energy to a girl I recently had a crush on. She was just plain, cute and funny. Best of all, she was under the radar of any of "those guys" who just walk in and take any girl they want. It was perfect, and I was hungry for a relationship. What better way to spend my summer than to get that girl in my life.
It was finally the day before summer. I had already asked Sally out to the movies. As I pack my bags, ready to head home, Paul stopped me. For the first time in months he wondered why we hadn't been hanging out. I explained the way I felt about our friendship and even went on gloating about my date with Sally. With that I walked out feeling a sense of triumph as I didn't need his company anymore, just like he hadn't for the past 3 months.
Chapter 3
After my first date, I fell in love with Sally. She was everything I wanted. I can't even go on explaining how I feel around her. I just loved her, and I think she felt the same about me too.
We planned to meet up again and this time, maybe the park.
Days later I tried to get another date with Sally, but she always seemed busy. This got me worried and I had to clear my head. There was a new movie going on in my favorite cinema. It allowed people to jerk of to popular FAKKU movies as it displayed in full HD and 3-D. It was heaven. I bought a ticket, some cinema-tissues and headed for a seat. I enjoyed the view, best of all, no one cared to look at others sitting close to them. We all concentrated on the porn displayed and jerked off accordingly. Some left early, while others went on till the end often satisfied by the moans of other customers. I put the C-T's (- Cinema Tissue) beside me, got out my boner and just as I was about to begin, I heard a slight moan that ended with a name. Paul. I looked behind me, and what I saw made my hands shiver. Sally and Paul were having sex two seats behind me. No one gave them any notice, these things happen often but no one complained. I cried and was helpless to do anything. How could I? He was perfect, what could I have done when all I saw was her satisfied face. I knew there was nothing to do after that. FAKKU taught me. I never called. When she did, I broke my phone and changed my SIM card.
Epilogue
"And the worst thing was, He made Sally leave the school when he broke up with her!". At this point I was crying as I said this to my teacher.
"Now he says as long as he's with another girl, its going to be the best summer?!"
My Teacher only stared, unable to say anything. She did the next best thing and handed me a ticket to another FAKKU movie.
"Hey, wanna join me sometime? I'd be going for this one, we could meet up if you like".
Through my tears, I smiled, thanked her for the ticket and left the class for home.
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Wow...this is just painful to read, but not in a bad way, mind you. Maybe it's because I can understand a few aspects of this story, but in any case, you did a good job in creating stories with all the base elements necessary. However, this story seems to leave a bit of an empty feeling for some reason. It might be that I personally did not feel that this was resolved, but that is more of a personal opinion than an actual critique. Otherwise, good job. I'll go slit my wrists now while listening to emo. [/jk]
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
I want the continuation! Student x teacher gogogo!!
But yeah, painful to read but not in a bad way.
But yeah, painful to read but not in a bad way.
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OMG OMG 2 Replies! Thanks guys :D Sure enough the next contest or writing episode i'll cook up something! <3 Fakku
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
ejioforp wrote...
OMG OMG 2 Replies! Thanks guys :D Sure enough the next contest or writing episode i'll cook up something! <3 FakkuYou don't have to wait for another contest or anything, you can just write more and post it off when you're done.
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Review #22
The Good: In terms of understanding the story, you sent the message loud and clear. I'm glad that you actually incorporated FAKKU! into the main plot of the story as oppose to just throwing it in there like many other people. This is a really tough thing to do considering what kind of site FAKKU! actually is >.> That said, while you do have a fairly awkward main character, it's the concept of a coming-of-age young kid who, though is socially awkward, he is like a lot of us. Again, you managed to do this without making him seem too angsty, introspective, or any other qualities that make us dislike a main character.
Grammar: OK
The OK: While I did like that you used FAKKU! as a plot device, it seemed a little strange that the world you created was so sexualized that people openly went to a theater to masturbate to porn. The issue about this- isn't that the world itself is sexualized, but rather if people were willing to openly masturbate in a theater- to the point where it is simply, alright, to invite a student (or anyone for that matter) to a mutual masturbation session as if it were an actual movie, then wouldn't a better plot device be to just fuck each other? Why masturbate together when you can have sex? That part confused me.
The Bad: ...4 parts? Why are there four parts in a short story? You could have easily described the events in a continuous action rather than splitting them up into minor chunks. If the word limit is 1500, planning four parts means you were expecting something like 375 words per chunk. That's roughly how many words are in this review. Another thing is that you don't really describe Sally's relationship. So they had a first date. Though the main character enjoyed her company, there is never any indication that she liked him back. You say that the main character thinks that she likes him back, but- it's a first date. Loving someone on the first date is a little strange to be honest...
The Good: In terms of understanding the story, you sent the message loud and clear. I'm glad that you actually incorporated FAKKU! into the main plot of the story as oppose to just throwing it in there like many other people. This is a really tough thing to do considering what kind of site FAKKU! actually is >.> That said, while you do have a fairly awkward main character, it's the concept of a coming-of-age young kid who, though is socially awkward, he is like a lot of us. Again, you managed to do this without making him seem too angsty, introspective, or any other qualities that make us dislike a main character.
Grammar: OK
The OK: While I did like that you used FAKKU! as a plot device, it seemed a little strange that the world you created was so sexualized that people openly went to a theater to masturbate to porn. The issue about this- isn't that the world itself is sexualized, but rather if people were willing to openly masturbate in a theater- to the point where it is simply, alright, to invite a student (or anyone for that matter) to a mutual masturbation session as if it were an actual movie, then wouldn't a better plot device be to just fuck each other? Why masturbate together when you can have sex? That part confused me.
The Bad: ...4 parts? Why are there four parts in a short story? You could have easily described the events in a continuous action rather than splitting them up into minor chunks. If the word limit is 1500, planning four parts means you were expecting something like 375 words per chunk. That's roughly how many words are in this review. Another thing is that you don't really describe Sally's relationship. So they had a first date. Though the main character enjoyed her company, there is never any indication that she liked him back. You say that the main character thinks that she likes him back, but- it's a first date. Loving someone on the first date is a little strange to be honest...
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I don't think its strange loving someone on the first date. I didn't show how sally felt because I wanted it from the main characters point of view and..I fell in love on my first date :'(. Happens with virgins sometimes or I could be the only strange one in the world. Q.Q. Thanks btw! :). I'd post the other story soon as I get some free time.
Though I wanted a world where you can mastrubate openly. I wanted a bit of order. Just like couples who I see in theaters kissing and touching each other. Now everyone knows this is done, but no one really cares, so people who do that go to the back. Kinda like this. Notice how the main character saw the two fucking behind him. 2 sits behind. People might notice but no one would really care. Well it might be hard picturing it but I hope you understand.
Oh yeah and the 4 part thing *scratches head* I just didn't want it to look clustered or too much for readers to be discouraged to read. Atleast the first 2 chapters. I felt that way when I tried reading others. But yh I notice. Thanks
Though I wanted a world where you can mastrubate openly. I wanted a bit of order. Just like couples who I see in theaters kissing and touching each other. Now everyone knows this is done, but no one really cares, so people who do that go to the back. Kinda like this. Notice how the main character saw the two fucking behind him. 2 sits behind. People might notice but no one would really care. Well it might be hard picturing it but I hope you understand.
Oh yeah and the 4 part thing *scratches head* I just didn't want it to look clustered or too much for readers to be discouraged to read. Atleast the first 2 chapters. I felt that way when I tried reading others. But yh I notice. Thanks
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Don't double post... I mean, quadruple post! Edit and merge them all please.