[Summer Contest Entry 2012] A day to Forever
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I worked as a waiter at the beach, that’s where I make a living since I love alone. To be honest, I am quite popular among girls, because of my look and personality. I gave them the best service, so they would like me, well, of course, I am into their tips, and sometimes, I dated the customers. It’s easier for me to earn money from my own girlfriends, but, truthfully, life like this is despiteful. The only thing that could make me happy is surfing.
Saya, the restaurant owner, remind me of my free time. I chat with her a bit, and grabbed my board. I got 20 minutes for fun, since I promised Nao to meet him at the bar.
After twenty minutes has gone; I went back to the shore and walks to the bar. I heard noises came from there, so I walked a bit fast. I saw the customers are overloaded. Saya and Tomo, the part time waitress is busily serving the customers. Not that I care about, it’s my free time, so I just slips right to the bar and search for Nao as he wave his hand, giving me a signal that he was there, I walked through, and—
“Shit!” I pulled my shirt off that was spilled with cold juice, when someone bumped onto me, “Watch where you’re going, will you?”
A girl with hazelnut hair stared at me, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… You know. I’ll get you a new cloth.”
I raised my left eyebrows and shook my head. “It’s fine. Just, watch where you’re going next time.” Then, I walked through her and take a sit in front of Nao. “What?” I asked Nao since he’s been looking at me for some time.
“You rejected her?” Nao opposed, “She’s the hot chick that everybody’s talking about? Did you not know? Why Saya’s good for nothing restaurant is overloaded with customers this week? It’s because she’s here!”
“Okay,” I replied simply.
“Okay?” Nao repeated, “Big boobs, awesome posture, good looking, I wonder how many dudes has she dated?”
I chuckled. “No cash, no love.”
Nao sighed and raised his hand telling that he gave up. I was just about to get something to drink, but, a girl suddenly hand a shirt to me. “Here, use it.”
It’s the same girl.
I take the shirt that she handed over and give a glimpse of smile. “Thanks, uh, who might you be?”
“Elisa Kanade. Call me Kanade, and you?”
“Shuichiro Natsu. People called me Natsu.” I introduce.
Kanade smiles and nodded to me. “Sorry about your shirt, Natsu- san, I hope it’s not your favorite.”
I shook my head to her one more time and laughs. “Fortunately, it’s not. Anyway, do you want to sit? I’ll get you a drink if you want.”
She nods and sits right away. As promised, I get her something to drink. When I get back to the table, I saw Nao’s talking to Kanade happily, “Sorry to interrupt,” I said while putting the sodas to the table, “So, did I miss something?”
“Nothing,” Kanade smiles then she raised her hand and stare at the watch. “Oops, sorry, I promised my boyfriend to meet him in 5 minutes. I got to go, and it’s really nice to know you, Natsu- san, you too, Nao- san.”She bows her head to me and ran off to the beach. I saw her boyfriend out there when she hugged, and kissed her boyfriend. I didn’t realize that I was staring at her the whole time, until Saya hits me in the head.
“If you have time to daydream, why don’t you back to work, huh, Natsu!” she mocked.
I rubbed my head then stands up, “Stop being such a barbarian, would you?”
That was last year’s story, how I met Kanade, well, me and Kanade became closer and closer. She started to talk more about her life and all that, of course, me as well. I don’t know why, but I can be completely me when I’m with Kanade. Anyway, I went back to the shore soon as I received a notice that the weather is not quite friendly for me to surf. When I walked pass through some groups of dudes, I heard there were talking bad about me. But it’s not like I concern about it. Ignore them is the best answer to avoid more trouble.
“He surely has his own reason, okay? You shouldn’t bad mouth people if you don’t really know them!”
I quickly turned my head around and saw Kanade was defending me.
“You should apologize to Natsu- san! Besides, if you know him well, you won’t think of him like that. For me, he’s way better than you spoiled brats!” Kanade tried to start a problem.
Some of the dude grab Kanade’s hand and pulled her chin. “What are you? Just because you have pretty face and nice body it doesn’t mean that you can insult us. Oh, why don’t you because mine, then I’ll re-consider about talking those things about Natsu?”
Kanade stayed calm and slaps his hand. “You’re too filthy to touch me!”
The guy absolutely pissed, he raised his hand, ready to give a punch, and that’s where I showed up. “Enough,” I said while grabbing his arm tightly, “She’s drunk, so let her be. You’re no gentlemen if you punch a girl, Arai.”
Arai clenched his hand and pulled his hand off me, “We won’t let you off next time, Natsu!”
I ignore their threat, “Mind your own business, Kanade.”
Kanade frowned. “Oh, so this is what I get after defending you?”
“Since when I did ask for your help? You know, you’re just being a busybody, get a life, will you?”
Kanade’s eyes are all teary. “Do you hate me that much, Shuu?”
“Shuu? Wait, wha—”
Kanade sniffs as she wipes her tears. “I love you, stupid Shuu!”
I saw Kanade ran off to the sea, I didn’t stop her that time. I was paralyzed; I didn’t know she would confess, because she has a boyfriend already, but, why?”
For about an hour I was standing, right there like an idiot, thinking why she confessed to me when she got a boyfriend, when Nao suddenly rushed to me. “N- Natsu—”
Nao inform me that Kanade was drowned when she rode a boat. She knew that the weather is not friendly to play by the beach that time, the life guards are trying to help her, but the wave is too much to handle.
Without thinking run the sea as I watched the wave is crawling hard. The wind blows very hard, there, I saw Junya, Kanade’s boyfriend was staring at the sea, “Jun, why the hell are you doing here? Help me save Kanade!”
Junya shook his head. “Are you crazy?! No way I’m gonna go through the wave like that. I’ll die!”
I was about to hit him hard when I remembered that I have no time for this, so I just leave him. The life guards are blocking the way for me to go through the sea, but somehow I manage to swim there. I thought it was impossible for me to save Kanade in this condition, but I won’t give up. If I don’t find Kanade, I probably won’t forgive myself forever. It’s my fault that she was in this condition. So, for the first time, I prayed. I prayed to God so that I could find Kanade.
I found Kanade drowned by the sea. I swim and grab her hand, and hug her tightly. I swam right back to the shore, and brought Kanade to infirmary. The nurse said she doesn’t have any fatal injuries, but she was quite shocked. After that, the Nurse let me visit Kanade. She was awake, so I sat beside her.
“Why did you do that Kanade?”
Kanade remains silent.
I sighed. “Okay, I should’ve admitted this to you sooner, but I’m afraid you’ll hate me, so, I have been keeping this for a long time.” I took a deep breath, “I love you, Kanade. More than you ever know.”
Kanade turns his head around, and kissed me. “I’ve been waiting for you longer. I get a boyfriend so that he can drive me to the beach, I can meet you there. I don’t know why I love someone like you, but, in the end you accept me for who I am. Not because I’m pretty or anything. You saved me. I love you, Shuu.”
I smiled and hug her tight. “Please stay with me, forever, Kanade.”
That night, I had sex with Kanade, to proof that she’s mine, and I’m hers. For the first time, I love someone, for the first time I care about someone, and I won’t let it go. She thought me about the love I’ve been seeking this whole time. I won’t be alone anymore, because I have you with me, Kanade.
Saya, the restaurant owner, remind me of my free time. I chat with her a bit, and grabbed my board. I got 20 minutes for fun, since I promised Nao to meet him at the bar.
After twenty minutes has gone; I went back to the shore and walks to the bar. I heard noises came from there, so I walked a bit fast. I saw the customers are overloaded. Saya and Tomo, the part time waitress is busily serving the customers. Not that I care about, it’s my free time, so I just slips right to the bar and search for Nao as he wave his hand, giving me a signal that he was there, I walked through, and—
“Shit!” I pulled my shirt off that was spilled with cold juice, when someone bumped onto me, “Watch where you’re going, will you?”
A girl with hazelnut hair stared at me, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… You know. I’ll get you a new cloth.”
I raised my left eyebrows and shook my head. “It’s fine. Just, watch where you’re going next time.” Then, I walked through her and take a sit in front of Nao. “What?” I asked Nao since he’s been looking at me for some time.
“You rejected her?” Nao opposed, “She’s the hot chick that everybody’s talking about? Did you not know? Why Saya’s good for nothing restaurant is overloaded with customers this week? It’s because she’s here!”
“Okay,” I replied simply.
“Okay?” Nao repeated, “Big boobs, awesome posture, good looking, I wonder how many dudes has she dated?”
I chuckled. “No cash, no love.”
Nao sighed and raised his hand telling that he gave up. I was just about to get something to drink, but, a girl suddenly hand a shirt to me. “Here, use it.”
It’s the same girl.
I take the shirt that she handed over and give a glimpse of smile. “Thanks, uh, who might you be?”
“Elisa Kanade. Call me Kanade, and you?”
“Shuichiro Natsu. People called me Natsu.” I introduce.
Kanade smiles and nodded to me. “Sorry about your shirt, Natsu- san, I hope it’s not your favorite.”
I shook my head to her one more time and laughs. “Fortunately, it’s not. Anyway, do you want to sit? I’ll get you a drink if you want.”
She nods and sits right away. As promised, I get her something to drink. When I get back to the table, I saw Nao’s talking to Kanade happily, “Sorry to interrupt,” I said while putting the sodas to the table, “So, did I miss something?”
“Nothing,” Kanade smiles then she raised her hand and stare at the watch. “Oops, sorry, I promised my boyfriend to meet him in 5 minutes. I got to go, and it’s really nice to know you, Natsu- san, you too, Nao- san.”She bows her head to me and ran off to the beach. I saw her boyfriend out there when she hugged, and kissed her boyfriend. I didn’t realize that I was staring at her the whole time, until Saya hits me in the head.
“If you have time to daydream, why don’t you back to work, huh, Natsu!” she mocked.
I rubbed my head then stands up, “Stop being such a barbarian, would you?”
***
That was last year’s story, how I met Kanade, well, me and Kanade became closer and closer. She started to talk more about her life and all that, of course, me as well. I don’t know why, but I can be completely me when I’m with Kanade. Anyway, I went back to the shore soon as I received a notice that the weather is not quite friendly for me to surf. When I walked pass through some groups of dudes, I heard there were talking bad about me. But it’s not like I concern about it. Ignore them is the best answer to avoid more trouble.
“He surely has his own reason, okay? You shouldn’t bad mouth people if you don’t really know them!”
I quickly turned my head around and saw Kanade was defending me.
“You should apologize to Natsu- san! Besides, if you know him well, you won’t think of him like that. For me, he’s way better than you spoiled brats!” Kanade tried to start a problem.
Some of the dude grab Kanade’s hand and pulled her chin. “What are you? Just because you have pretty face and nice body it doesn’t mean that you can insult us. Oh, why don’t you because mine, then I’ll re-consider about talking those things about Natsu?”
Kanade stayed calm and slaps his hand. “You’re too filthy to touch me!”
The guy absolutely pissed, he raised his hand, ready to give a punch, and that’s where I showed up. “Enough,” I said while grabbing his arm tightly, “She’s drunk, so let her be. You’re no gentlemen if you punch a girl, Arai.”
Arai clenched his hand and pulled his hand off me, “We won’t let you off next time, Natsu!”
I ignore their threat, “Mind your own business, Kanade.”
Kanade frowned. “Oh, so this is what I get after defending you?”
“Since when I did ask for your help? You know, you’re just being a busybody, get a life, will you?”
Kanade’s eyes are all teary. “Do you hate me that much, Shuu?”
“Shuu? Wait, wha—”
Kanade sniffs as she wipes her tears. “I love you, stupid Shuu!”
I saw Kanade ran off to the sea, I didn’t stop her that time. I was paralyzed; I didn’t know she would confess, because she has a boyfriend already, but, why?”
For about an hour I was standing, right there like an idiot, thinking why she confessed to me when she got a boyfriend, when Nao suddenly rushed to me. “N- Natsu—”
Nao inform me that Kanade was drowned when she rode a boat. She knew that the weather is not friendly to play by the beach that time, the life guards are trying to help her, but the wave is too much to handle.
Without thinking run the sea as I watched the wave is crawling hard. The wind blows very hard, there, I saw Junya, Kanade’s boyfriend was staring at the sea, “Jun, why the hell are you doing here? Help me save Kanade!”
Junya shook his head. “Are you crazy?! No way I’m gonna go through the wave like that. I’ll die!”
I was about to hit him hard when I remembered that I have no time for this, so I just leave him. The life guards are blocking the way for me to go through the sea, but somehow I manage to swim there. I thought it was impossible for me to save Kanade in this condition, but I won’t give up. If I don’t find Kanade, I probably won’t forgive myself forever. It’s my fault that she was in this condition. So, for the first time, I prayed. I prayed to God so that I could find Kanade.
I found Kanade drowned by the sea. I swim and grab her hand, and hug her tightly. I swam right back to the shore, and brought Kanade to infirmary. The nurse said she doesn’t have any fatal injuries, but she was quite shocked. After that, the Nurse let me visit Kanade. She was awake, so I sat beside her.
“Why did you do that Kanade?”
Kanade remains silent.
I sighed. “Okay, I should’ve admitted this to you sooner, but I’m afraid you’ll hate me, so, I have been keeping this for a long time.” I took a deep breath, “I love you, Kanade. More than you ever know.”
Kanade turns his head around, and kissed me. “I’ve been waiting for you longer. I get a boyfriend so that he can drive me to the beach, I can meet you there. I don’t know why I love someone like you, but, in the end you accept me for who I am. Not because I’m pretty or anything. You saved me. I love you, Shuu.”
I smiled and hug her tight. “Please stay with me, forever, Kanade.”
That night, I had sex with Kanade, to proof that she’s mine, and I’m hers. For the first time, I love someone, for the first time I care about someone, and I won’t let it go. She thought me about the love I’ve been seeking this whole time. I won’t be alone anymore, because I have you with me, Kanade.
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Review #10
The Good: VANILLA ALERT! So sweet. It's always a pleasure to read something that starts as a realistic "just-friends" scenario, calls the main character into action, and then tops it all off with the nice vanilla flavor. Everything about this made sense- even the main character. He's not a loser, an overly angsty kid, or some dysfunctional member of society, he's a play boy. That in of itself makes me attracted to the story premise. Why? Because that means a good looking guy is self-cognizant of his own features and uses them to the best of his abilities. He is a likeable character simply because he is as real as any one of us. He is the example of a proper protagonist in a short story. Not much can change in terms of the character in a short story, but he is likeable in the beginning and doesn’t need to change. Rather than him changing, it's the environment that he reacts to is what the meat of the story is.
Grammar: Alright, general tense issues
The OK: Your dialogue is a little awkward. If all he wants is money from his girlfriends, then why would he want to work at a seaside cafe? It sounds to me like he just likes the idea of having money, rather than actually needing it. Because of that, his belief of "no cash, no love" just stands off as a little awkward.
The Bad: Structure. In a short story, you need a continuous pace of action. Unless it's meant to have time jumps, try to avoid time jumps in general. They only serve to pull the readers away from being immersed into the story. Another thing is, if you're going to have characters, then have a purpose for them. It sounded like the owner of the store would have a more significant part, but she is given a spotlight flag of: "Hey, I'm the aggressive Mom/childhood friend character" instead of "this is a throwaway character. Please disregard." It also sped up too much at the end. I'm going to assume you hit the word limit by the end of it and decided to fuck it all and just throw plot in. I have to say I'm guilty of this too, but I'm reviewing this as a story, not as something with the 1500 word limit.
The Good: VANILLA ALERT! So sweet. It's always a pleasure to read something that starts as a realistic "just-friends" scenario, calls the main character into action, and then tops it all off with the nice vanilla flavor. Everything about this made sense- even the main character. He's not a loser, an overly angsty kid, or some dysfunctional member of society, he's a play boy. That in of itself makes me attracted to the story premise. Why? Because that means a good looking guy is self-cognizant of his own features and uses them to the best of his abilities. He is a likeable character simply because he is as real as any one of us. He is the example of a proper protagonist in a short story. Not much can change in terms of the character in a short story, but he is likeable in the beginning and doesn’t need to change. Rather than him changing, it's the environment that he reacts to is what the meat of the story is.
Grammar: Alright, general tense issues
The OK: Your dialogue is a little awkward. If all he wants is money from his girlfriends, then why would he want to work at a seaside cafe? It sounds to me like he just likes the idea of having money, rather than actually needing it. Because of that, his belief of "no cash, no love" just stands off as a little awkward.
The Bad: Structure. In a short story, you need a continuous pace of action. Unless it's meant to have time jumps, try to avoid time jumps in general. They only serve to pull the readers away from being immersed into the story. Another thing is, if you're going to have characters, then have a purpose for them. It sounded like the owner of the store would have a more significant part, but she is given a spotlight flag of: "Hey, I'm the aggressive Mom/childhood friend character" instead of "this is a throwaway character. Please disregard." It also sped up too much at the end. I'm going to assume you hit the word limit by the end of it and decided to fuck it all and just throw plot in. I have to say I'm guilty of this too, but I'm reviewing this as a story, not as something with the 1500 word limit.