[Summer Contest Entry 2012] A quiet summer bath
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Act I: The Bath
Back to my parent's summer home for another year. The beach was as beautiful as ever. The sun started to set, the orange glow from the skys added a sensual feeling to the ocean. I calmly walked into my parent's summer home. Besides the recent renovations, nothing has changed. It was as warm and inviting as ever. I made my way over to the bathroom to wash the sand off of me, but I couldn't help but see an open bookmark on my best friend's laptop. The website read Fakku and the pictures that he viewed made me feel weird. I quickly turned his laptop off and made my way towards the bathroom.
The bathroom of my family's summer home was just renovated, so there was an air of mystery to my surroundings. The wooden dark brown walls, possibly made of oak, gave my bathroom an old timely beauty. After admiring the new craftsmanship, I turned on the faucets. Listening to the running bath water always makes me feel calm. As I started to remove my green tanktop my mind couldn't help but wander. Does he love me? I started to slowly unfasten my bra. My breasts aren't that big, maybe that is why he doesn't love me? I tossed my soft violet and purple striped bra onto the floor. My breasts, they shined back at me through my reflection. I couldn't help but notice how puffy my nipples were. My body is never going to be appealing because my breasts are too small for him to grope, I thought, as my eyes wandered towards my reflection in the mirror. Then I noticed that looking at my imperfect body so long has caused my bathtub to overflow. Quickly, I turned off the faucets. I took off my dark blue shorts. Seeing myself like this was starting to turn me on. I started to take off my underwear, but somehow it felt weird.
As I lowered my violet panties onto the floor I couldn't help but notice that my privates have yet to grow a single pubic hair, which is strange since I just turned eighteen a week ago, and by that age I thought that most girls would show more signs of puberty. All I thought of was him. Does he like vaginas hairy or clean? As I lowered myself into the tub, and started to wet my light blonde hair so I could wash it, I started to feel even stranger. My private spot was pulsing, and I couldn't hold it in. I started to softly stroke the outer lips of my vagina. It was instant pleasure. I knew looking up so much at the pictures on Fakku would result in this, but I did not care. I allowed two of my fingers to enter my vagina. The feeling was extraordinary. As I started to rub my clit, All I could think about was him... will he fill me with pleasure? What does a penis feel like? As all of these visions clouded my mind, I started to feel a great sensation between my legs. I started to rub by fingers harder and harder.. until it all went blank... and all I could hear was the sound of the ocean.
Act II: The kiss
The bath took longer than I expected. I never thought that masturbation would feel so good. As I got out of the tub, I heard the door slam. Hiroshi must me home. I tossed on my soft blue pajamas and ran to greet him at the front door.
“Hiroshi Chan how are you, I though you would never get home!” I embraced him as hard as I could. His soft brown hair and hazel eyes were very endearing to me. His smile melted my heart from the day I met him.
“Akemi Sama, hello! I did tell you I would be back from the store within the hour, didn’t I?” I started to blush, whenever he says my name I can't help it. I was very worried about him and I do not know why.
“Hiroshi you are such an idiot, making me wait like that!!!!” I couldn't help it, I was worried about him, he told me he would be back from the store before I came back from the beach, but when I didn't see him, It hurt me like nothing before. I truly thought that I lost him.
“ Akemi... Why are you getting so emotional.... Stop crying.”
Stop crying? He goes missing for like three hours and he wants me to stop worrying about him? I couldn't hold it in any longer. I lunged for Hiroshi then grabbed his hand, and planted it on my left breast. I started to kiss his tender lips. To my surprise he started to kiss back. The kiss felt so good, words could not describe the sensation. His tongue rolled over mine in an endless wave of bliss. All of the lust that I've built up has lead me to this moment.
“Hiro... want to go in the bedroom?” I awaited his answer. My insides tingled. “Akemi... What do you mean?” My emotions got to me. “BAKA! I MEAN SEX!” The expression on his face was priceless.
Act III: The Bond
I walked him into the Master Bedroom. From the light purple bedsheets to the white pillow cases, this room felt like home. “Hiro, I always had feelings for you. Ever since we were kids I always loved you.” I awaited his response, I knew he would let me down slowly. “Akemi I felt that way too.” His words shocked me.
”Hiro. Am I your first?” I do not even know what sparked that question. “Akemi! Well I've masturbated before, if that counts?” I felt my face turn red from a picture of Hiroshi masturbating.
“Would you want to see my imperfect body naked?” My face glowed warmer by the second. “Akemi you are the most perfect and beautiful woman alive.” Hiroshi started to slip off my pants. I couldn’t believe my best friend was seeing my new blue and white striped panties.
“Akemi why are you so shy, you are only making yourself cuter!” He started to slowly rub my privates through my panties. The feeling was even better than I thought. “Hiro Please...” I couldn't make my words out.
“Akemi does it hurt, do you want me to stop?” That was a stupid question. “No you idiot, I want you to take them off and lic-” Before I could finish my sentence my hands were already over my mouth. What the hell did I just say?
Hiro took the hint. He slowly started to tug on my panties until he got them around my ankles. My vagina was in plain view to him. “It is so gorgeous, not a single hair anywhere, do you shave?” He started stroking my lips. The sexual sensation was beyond my imagination. “You are already so wet, just what were you doing in that tub?” Oh god. “It is wet because I was in a bath, I wasn't masturbating or anything!” I said too much.
“Ah you saw that? I could have sworn that I turned off the Laptop before I left. How Naughty of you. Now I got to punish you!” Hiroshi started to rub me faster and faster. “I can't take it! Stop! Hiro! STOP!!!” I yelled at him until he got the picture. “Ok Akemi I will stop.”
I looked over as Hiro removed his jeans and red-checkered boxer shorts and revealed his member. The size of that thing! “Oh no! NO! Do not put it in me!” Secretly I wanted it in me, I was just testing him. “Your words say no, but your heart says go, so I am going in!”
Hiro shoved his large member into me. It felt very painful at first, like having your first period, but then the pain subsided. I started to feel like I was in the bath again. The sensation told me to rock my thighs, and I followed it's orders. Hiro softly ordered me to lift my arms, which I complied, then he took off my top. I wasn't wearing my bra because I just got out of the bath, so my breasts were in full view. Hiroshi started to lick them as he moved his thighs to a rhythm.
Sweat drenched the once dry blankets. My privates were wetter then any other part of my body. As things started to calm down, I felt something warm start to pour into me. “Akemi-Chan I'm cumming.” I knew it would happen. “Then Hiroshi-Chan let us cum together!” I let my juices flow and so did he.“I love you Hiroshi” “And I love you Akemi.” And that is how my perfect day happened.
Back to my parent's summer home for another year. The beach was as beautiful as ever. The sun started to set, the orange glow from the skys added a sensual feeling to the ocean. I calmly walked into my parent's summer home. Besides the recent renovations, nothing has changed. It was as warm and inviting as ever. I made my way over to the bathroom to wash the sand off of me, but I couldn't help but see an open bookmark on my best friend's laptop. The website read Fakku and the pictures that he viewed made me feel weird. I quickly turned his laptop off and made my way towards the bathroom.
The bathroom of my family's summer home was just renovated, so there was an air of mystery to my surroundings. The wooden dark brown walls, possibly made of oak, gave my bathroom an old timely beauty. After admiring the new craftsmanship, I turned on the faucets. Listening to the running bath water always makes me feel calm. As I started to remove my green tanktop my mind couldn't help but wander. Does he love me? I started to slowly unfasten my bra. My breasts aren't that big, maybe that is why he doesn't love me? I tossed my soft violet and purple striped bra onto the floor. My breasts, they shined back at me through my reflection. I couldn't help but notice how puffy my nipples were. My body is never going to be appealing because my breasts are too small for him to grope, I thought, as my eyes wandered towards my reflection in the mirror. Then I noticed that looking at my imperfect body so long has caused my bathtub to overflow. Quickly, I turned off the faucets. I took off my dark blue shorts. Seeing myself like this was starting to turn me on. I started to take off my underwear, but somehow it felt weird.
As I lowered my violet panties onto the floor I couldn't help but notice that my privates have yet to grow a single pubic hair, which is strange since I just turned eighteen a week ago, and by that age I thought that most girls would show more signs of puberty. All I thought of was him. Does he like vaginas hairy or clean? As I lowered myself into the tub, and started to wet my light blonde hair so I could wash it, I started to feel even stranger. My private spot was pulsing, and I couldn't hold it in. I started to softly stroke the outer lips of my vagina. It was instant pleasure. I knew looking up so much at the pictures on Fakku would result in this, but I did not care. I allowed two of my fingers to enter my vagina. The feeling was extraordinary. As I started to rub my clit, All I could think about was him... will he fill me with pleasure? What does a penis feel like? As all of these visions clouded my mind, I started to feel a great sensation between my legs. I started to rub by fingers harder and harder.. until it all went blank... and all I could hear was the sound of the ocean.
Act II: The kiss
The bath took longer than I expected. I never thought that masturbation would feel so good. As I got out of the tub, I heard the door slam. Hiroshi must me home. I tossed on my soft blue pajamas and ran to greet him at the front door.
“Hiroshi Chan how are you, I though you would never get home!” I embraced him as hard as I could. His soft brown hair and hazel eyes were very endearing to me. His smile melted my heart from the day I met him.
“Akemi Sama, hello! I did tell you I would be back from the store within the hour, didn’t I?” I started to blush, whenever he says my name I can't help it. I was very worried about him and I do not know why.
“Hiroshi you are such an idiot, making me wait like that!!!!” I couldn't help it, I was worried about him, he told me he would be back from the store before I came back from the beach, but when I didn't see him, It hurt me like nothing before. I truly thought that I lost him.
“ Akemi... Why are you getting so emotional.... Stop crying.”
Stop crying? He goes missing for like three hours and he wants me to stop worrying about him? I couldn't hold it in any longer. I lunged for Hiroshi then grabbed his hand, and planted it on my left breast. I started to kiss his tender lips. To my surprise he started to kiss back. The kiss felt so good, words could not describe the sensation. His tongue rolled over mine in an endless wave of bliss. All of the lust that I've built up has lead me to this moment.
“Hiro... want to go in the bedroom?” I awaited his answer. My insides tingled. “Akemi... What do you mean?” My emotions got to me. “BAKA! I MEAN SEX!” The expression on his face was priceless.
Act III: The Bond
I walked him into the Master Bedroom. From the light purple bedsheets to the white pillow cases, this room felt like home. “Hiro, I always had feelings for you. Ever since we were kids I always loved you.” I awaited his response, I knew he would let me down slowly. “Akemi I felt that way too.” His words shocked me.
”Hiro. Am I your first?” I do not even know what sparked that question. “Akemi! Well I've masturbated before, if that counts?” I felt my face turn red from a picture of Hiroshi masturbating.
“Would you want to see my imperfect body naked?” My face glowed warmer by the second. “Akemi you are the most perfect and beautiful woman alive.” Hiroshi started to slip off my pants. I couldn’t believe my best friend was seeing my new blue and white striped panties.
“Akemi why are you so shy, you are only making yourself cuter!” He started to slowly rub my privates through my panties. The feeling was even better than I thought. “Hiro Please...” I couldn't make my words out.
“Akemi does it hurt, do you want me to stop?” That was a stupid question. “No you idiot, I want you to take them off and lic-” Before I could finish my sentence my hands were already over my mouth. What the hell did I just say?
Hiro took the hint. He slowly started to tug on my panties until he got them around my ankles. My vagina was in plain view to him. “It is so gorgeous, not a single hair anywhere, do you shave?” He started stroking my lips. The sexual sensation was beyond my imagination. “You are already so wet, just what were you doing in that tub?” Oh god. “It is wet because I was in a bath, I wasn't masturbating or anything!” I said too much.
“Ah you saw that? I could have sworn that I turned off the Laptop before I left. How Naughty of you. Now I got to punish you!” Hiroshi started to rub me faster and faster. “I can't take it! Stop! Hiro! STOP!!!” I yelled at him until he got the picture. “Ok Akemi I will stop.”
I looked over as Hiro removed his jeans and red-checkered boxer shorts and revealed his member. The size of that thing! “Oh no! NO! Do not put it in me!” Secretly I wanted it in me, I was just testing him. “Your words say no, but your heart says go, so I am going in!”
Hiro shoved his large member into me. It felt very painful at first, like having your first period, but then the pain subsided. I started to feel like I was in the bath again. The sensation told me to rock my thighs, and I followed it's orders. Hiro softly ordered me to lift my arms, which I complied, then he took off my top. I wasn't wearing my bra because I just got out of the bath, so my breasts were in full view. Hiroshi started to lick them as he moved his thighs to a rhythm.
Sweat drenched the once dry blankets. My privates were wetter then any other part of my body. As things started to calm down, I felt something warm start to pour into me. “Akemi-Chan I'm cumming.” I knew it would happen. “Then Hiroshi-Chan let us cum together!” I let my juices flow and so did he.“I love you Hiroshi” “And I love you Akemi.” And that is how my perfect day happened.
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While I do agree that there is an incredible amount of detail in this scene, there are a couple of problems, one of which you can address. The main problem that you can fix is the fact that, as nice as your story is, it is one big wall 'o text. Break it up into paragraphs. I cannot stress this enough, especially since I fell victim to this when I started out as a writer.
The other issue, at least from my perspective, is that the primary conflict has not quite been addressed. Every story has a steady build up of events, culminating in a climax, followed by a resolution. While I can view the climax quite literally in this case, it doesn't seem to have sufficient falling action or resolution. The conflict is still the same. I feel that, if you had less restrictions, you could add more detail to the central conflict. Keep in mind that this last issue is merely my personal opinion and you are completely free to disagree.
The other issue, at least from my perspective, is that the primary conflict has not quite been addressed. Every story has a steady build up of events, culminating in a climax, followed by a resolution. While I can view the climax quite literally in this case, it doesn't seem to have sufficient falling action or resolution. The conflict is still the same. I feel that, if you had less restrictions, you could add more detail to the central conflict. Keep in mind that this last issue is merely my personal opinion and you are completely free to disagree.
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oh I agree, and this story is basically me trying to give a personality and name to one of the characters I've drawn. The reason I put the story in a 1st person view is that I haven't really decided what to name her, or her love interest.
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Hmmm...okay then, now that there's more, I do have a few things to say. It's good to see that you are now adding a lot more to the story to follow my suggestion of adding more detail to your story. However, I feel that the biggest flaw of this story is how fast it is going, though I do understand that the word limit is an issue obviously. It could just be me, but it seems as if the confession is almost completely out of left field. Then again, I do recognize that there is build up there, but even still, it just feels random. My other criticism, though not as severe, is that it seems as if it concludes abruptly, but it's not a terrible thing.
Other than that, I definitely have to applaud you on taking constructive criticisms and actually incorporating it into your story. Few authors seem to do this, especially considering how much work is required to do so. Bravo, indeed. Now if only more writers were as dedicated as you are...
Other than that, I definitely have to applaud you on taking constructive criticisms and actually incorporating it into your story. Few authors seem to do this, especially considering how much work is required to do so. Bravo, indeed. Now if only more writers were as dedicated as you are...
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
“Oh no! NO! Do not put it in me!” Secretly I wanted it in me, I was just testing him.
Now that's a new excuse I'm seeing. e__e
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So I found this super cool "create your own anime girl" thing on the internet, and I decided to use it to bring Akemi to life :) the 1st one is her as usual, the 2nd is her shocked, the 3rd is her crying, and the last is her planning to get in Hiroshi's pants (ahem) so the anime creation software was not as I would have liked, but I can always go back and redraw the face for myself, but I love the way it gave the face that "emotional value." and I have been thinking about the different hair styles to incorporate. After the summer thing I may write a sequel to this.
