[Summer Contest Entry 2012] Bad News
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Well, this will be a hell of a first post to the FAKKU forums. Might as well make it epic, yeah?
Hi, I'm AlWayZFrE3, aspiring writer and very soon to be U.S. Marine. Obviously my works, like the one below, will be military related or at least have the military as a factor.
Anyway, this is my shot at the Summer Contest 2012. A lot of people say that I have skill, so I figured this might be a nice challenge. In advance, thanks so much for reading, and please leave comments or critisisms.
P.S. I kind of ran out of room X3 so the end is a little blunt. There's a lot of things that need explaining but...that may well be me being a perfectionist.
Hope you enjoy it! :D
EDIT:: My bad! My bad! Sorry, I put the wrong title first AND somehow forgot the double spacing D: It's fixed now, so hopefully it reads just a LITTLE easier.
Hi, I'm AlWayZFrE3, aspiring writer and very soon to be U.S. Marine. Obviously my works, like the one below, will be military related or at least have the military as a factor.
Anyway, this is my shot at the Summer Contest 2012. A lot of people say that I have skill, so I figured this might be a nice challenge. In advance, thanks so much for reading, and please leave comments or critisisms.
P.S. I kind of ran out of room X3 so the end is a little blunt. There's a lot of things that need explaining but...that may well be me being a perfectionist.
Hope you enjoy it! :D
EDIT:: My bad! My bad! Sorry, I put the wrong title first AND somehow forgot the double spacing D: It's fixed now, so hopefully it reads just a LITTLE easier.
Bad News
“Hey, Zeke, you ready yet?”
I roll over and sigh. “Yeah, I'm ready,” I grumble. It's not a particularly good day to be a Marine. There's one thing I hate about this service and it's leave...bloody leave. I hate leaving my squad. It sucks. I also hate it when they leave me, because that's even more boring.
Yet still, Gunnery Sergeant Jackson had ordered us to take leave today. We have earned it, I guess. I mean, taking an entire village in Somalia is tough for a company of Marines, but even worse on a single squad. It had been hell, and we'd lost a couple guys...
Thoughts of my lost squad-mates make me think of what I have left of them. I pull my dog tags out of my shirt and sigh. There didn't used to be so many.
There are mine, of course, and then the other six. Victor, Lance, Gerard, Buck, Nathan and Lilly. That last one isn't a Marine. She was a Navy tech attached to us for a mission a few months ago. An ambush had gotten her killed, because apparently everyone and their mother was gunning for her. That had been a hard day. Marines don't leave people behind, and I refused to put her body down. I know what those sick bastards would have done to her. That crap doesn't fly with me.
And today...I get to meet Lilly's sister, and give her one of the two tags I'd pulled from the tech's neck. I'd been the one to request this, but...it's not exactly easy. Especially since I've been wearing that reminder for a couple months.
“Come on, Lancer, time to move,” says a tough, boyish voice. I look up to see Vasquez standing next to my bunk, leaning on the one above me. She's one tough sunuvabitch, Vasquez. I've seen her get up close and personal with MMA fighters, not the newbie amateurs, mind you, I mean the professionals who go global with their skills. She always comes away pretty beat up, but the other guy almost always looks a whole lot worse.
I hold up a hand. “Don't start with me, Vas,” I grumble as she grabs that hand and yanks me up. “Not the right time for bull-flinging.”
“Whatever, man,” she says, effectively blowing me off. “I'm gonna grab some boards while we're out, hit the slopes with Tai and Ricky. You want in on that?”
As much as I'd love to, I just shrug. “Not feelin' it, man,” I sigh. “Hell, I'm not feeling like anything today.”
Vasquez promptly slaps me, hard enough to whip my head around. Actually, it's more like a palm-heel strike, because I can feel my upper incisor tooth dig into my lip, and a coppery taste begins to leak into my mouth. “Wake the hell up, Marine,” she growls. “What the hell are you, some punk ass wuss? It's war, people die, and someone has to tell their families. Now, get your head out of your ass and tell me what kind of board you want.”
Glaring at her, I spit a small glob of reddened saliva onto the deck. “Whatever you get, asshole,” I growl. Then, quick as lightning, we both lash out. She jabs at my head, but I'm already ducking under her arm and spinning past her, out of the tiny space between the bunks. I come up and stabilize in time to see her foot coming at my chest. Instead of dodging, however, I brace, let it impact, then push back. The effect efficiently makes her slam herself into the wall. “Payback's a bitch,” I chuckle.
She raises a finger but keeps smiling, and I return the gesture. Well, no sense in going to do this business dirty. I head for the showers and attempt to mentally prepare myself for what I have to do. It's a long shower...
Hours later, Vasquez, Honda and Val walk alongside me as we get ourselves thoroughly lost in Salt Lake City, Utah. Everyone else will be in Colorado at this point, likely already getting ski gear and tearing the slopes up.
The tags clink around my neck constantly, and I refuse to move them under my shirt. That's not how one honors the dead.
Finally, after a solid hour of looking around, I sigh. “Really?” I mutter, then very suddenly I'm the loudest person in the busy street. “You mean to freaking tell me that four fully trained Force Recon Marines can't find one freaking person!?!”
“Who are you looking for?” says a voice off to my left. My eyes shoot open, and I look over...to see Lilly, wearing military issue battle dress uniform pants, combat boots and a bright red USMC hoodie. Her hair's really long, tied in a french braid down to her lower back and so light a blonde as to almost be white. Her face is all soft, pleasurable features, but...something's missing. Lilly had a burn scar on her cheek, something that happened before she joined.
Then sense very suddenly retakes me, and I remember that Lilly's sister, Emma, is her twin. “Um, sorry, Emma Hall, right?” I ask politely.
She nods. “Yeah, that's me.”
“Lance Corporal Zeke Jacobs, U.S. Marines,” I continue, standing a little straighter. “I was the one who carried your sister back to base after the operation went bad.”
The rest of my squad takes a walk, heading for the nearest store. They know I want to do this alone. Emma nods again and looks down. “I heard,” she says quietly, then looks back up at me. Her razor sharp green eyes are slightly wetter. She's holding it in well. “Thank you, for what you did. It made me feel a little better.”
Hesitantly, I pull my tags off and get Lilly's second away from the rest, then unhook it and hold it out. “We don't leave our own behind,” I mutter.
Emma takes the tag and holds it tight. “Thank you,” she barely whispers. I can't even hear it, I'm just good at lip-reading. Then she wipes her eyes with her sleeve and stands a bit taller. “Thank you,” she says again, louder now. “This really means a lot. Do you have some time, though?”
“Supposed to be in Colorado tomorrow,” I answer. “Nothing past that. Why?”
“I'd like to talk to you...about Lilly.”
I just nod. “Yeah...okay.”
We end up walking along the shore of Salt Lake, the result of a long and awkward drive in her jeep.
“So what was she like?” Emma asks as we step along. “Lilly never talked to me much after she shipped out.”
“She was a good shot,” I say, remembering the short time I spent with her. “Put our two FNGs to shame. But she wasn't hardcore...she had that wolf pack loyalty, too. I'd swear she was a Marine. Looked out for us like we were her flesh and blood, and we did the same to her.”
“She didn't change much, then,” Emma says. “Lilly was more like a mother than a sister.”
“Ten minutes with us,” I say. “And she was family.”
“...so...how close were you two?” she asks suddenly. I stop and stagger slightly, because, without me noticing, Emma had looped her arm around mine, and she didn't stop when I did. She stops and locks eyes with me. Nothing is said, but we connect. She sees the absolute hell I've been through as a Marine, the wars I've fought, the burden I carry as a killer. And I see her longing, to be something more, to get out there like her sister and make a difference. We both see grief over Lilly's death, and how it still hurts to think about.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I do this anyway. I move up, take her face gently in my hands, and press my lips to hers. I do this fully expecting to be slapped, but I'm not. She wraps her arms around me and returns the kiss,
It's starting to get dark at this point. Emma finally parts from me, but our eyes don't break contact. We don't talk, we just move. We find her jeep again and dive in, not even bothering to lock it. From there...I don't know. It's a long, pleasurable blur.
But of course, it has to end. I eventually open my eyes to a bright moon outside the nearest window and the weight of Emma on my chest.
“Hey,” I say quietly. “What are you doing for the next week?”
“I ship out in five days,” she answers.
Now I smile. “I'll walk you into Camp, then...but first...do you like skiing?”
I roll over and sigh. “Yeah, I'm ready,” I grumble. It's not a particularly good day to be a Marine. There's one thing I hate about this service and it's leave...bloody leave. I hate leaving my squad. It sucks. I also hate it when they leave me, because that's even more boring.
Yet still, Gunnery Sergeant Jackson had ordered us to take leave today. We have earned it, I guess. I mean, taking an entire village in Somalia is tough for a company of Marines, but even worse on a single squad. It had been hell, and we'd lost a couple guys...
Thoughts of my lost squad-mates make me think of what I have left of them. I pull my dog tags out of my shirt and sigh. There didn't used to be so many.
There are mine, of course, and then the other six. Victor, Lance, Gerard, Buck, Nathan and Lilly. That last one isn't a Marine. She was a Navy tech attached to us for a mission a few months ago. An ambush had gotten her killed, because apparently everyone and their mother was gunning for her. That had been a hard day. Marines don't leave people behind, and I refused to put her body down. I know what those sick bastards would have done to her. That crap doesn't fly with me.
And today...I get to meet Lilly's sister, and give her one of the two tags I'd pulled from the tech's neck. I'd been the one to request this, but...it's not exactly easy. Especially since I've been wearing that reminder for a couple months.
“Come on, Lancer, time to move,” says a tough, boyish voice. I look up to see Vasquez standing next to my bunk, leaning on the one above me. She's one tough sunuvabitch, Vasquez. I've seen her get up close and personal with MMA fighters, not the newbie amateurs, mind you, I mean the professionals who go global with their skills. She always comes away pretty beat up, but the other guy almost always looks a whole lot worse.
I hold up a hand. “Don't start with me, Vas,” I grumble as she grabs that hand and yanks me up. “Not the right time for bull-flinging.”
“Whatever, man,” she says, effectively blowing me off. “I'm gonna grab some boards while we're out, hit the slopes with Tai and Ricky. You want in on that?”
As much as I'd love to, I just shrug. “Not feelin' it, man,” I sigh. “Hell, I'm not feeling like anything today.”
Vasquez promptly slaps me, hard enough to whip my head around. Actually, it's more like a palm-heel strike, because I can feel my upper incisor tooth dig into my lip, and a coppery taste begins to leak into my mouth. “Wake the hell up, Marine,” she growls. “What the hell are you, some punk ass wuss? It's war, people die, and someone has to tell their families. Now, get your head out of your ass and tell me what kind of board you want.”
Glaring at her, I spit a small glob of reddened saliva onto the deck. “Whatever you get, asshole,” I growl. Then, quick as lightning, we both lash out. She jabs at my head, but I'm already ducking under her arm and spinning past her, out of the tiny space between the bunks. I come up and stabilize in time to see her foot coming at my chest. Instead of dodging, however, I brace, let it impact, then push back. The effect efficiently makes her slam herself into the wall. “Payback's a bitch,” I chuckle.
She raises a finger but keeps smiling, and I return the gesture. Well, no sense in going to do this business dirty. I head for the showers and attempt to mentally prepare myself for what I have to do. It's a long shower...
Hours later, Vasquez, Honda and Val walk alongside me as we get ourselves thoroughly lost in Salt Lake City, Utah. Everyone else will be in Colorado at this point, likely already getting ski gear and tearing the slopes up.
The tags clink around my neck constantly, and I refuse to move them under my shirt. That's not how one honors the dead.
Finally, after a solid hour of looking around, I sigh. “Really?” I mutter, then very suddenly I'm the loudest person in the busy street. “You mean to freaking tell me that four fully trained Force Recon Marines can't find one freaking person!?!”
“Who are you looking for?” says a voice off to my left. My eyes shoot open, and I look over...to see Lilly, wearing military issue battle dress uniform pants, combat boots and a bright red USMC hoodie. Her hair's really long, tied in a french braid down to her lower back and so light a blonde as to almost be white. Her face is all soft, pleasurable features, but...something's missing. Lilly had a burn scar on her cheek, something that happened before she joined.
Then sense very suddenly retakes me, and I remember that Lilly's sister, Emma, is her twin. “Um, sorry, Emma Hall, right?” I ask politely.
She nods. “Yeah, that's me.”
“Lance Corporal Zeke Jacobs, U.S. Marines,” I continue, standing a little straighter. “I was the one who carried your sister back to base after the operation went bad.”
The rest of my squad takes a walk, heading for the nearest store. They know I want to do this alone. Emma nods again and looks down. “I heard,” she says quietly, then looks back up at me. Her razor sharp green eyes are slightly wetter. She's holding it in well. “Thank you, for what you did. It made me feel a little better.”
Hesitantly, I pull my tags off and get Lilly's second away from the rest, then unhook it and hold it out. “We don't leave our own behind,” I mutter.
Emma takes the tag and holds it tight. “Thank you,” she barely whispers. I can't even hear it, I'm just good at lip-reading. Then she wipes her eyes with her sleeve and stands a bit taller. “Thank you,” she says again, louder now. “This really means a lot. Do you have some time, though?”
“Supposed to be in Colorado tomorrow,” I answer. “Nothing past that. Why?”
“I'd like to talk to you...about Lilly.”
I just nod. “Yeah...okay.”
We end up walking along the shore of Salt Lake, the result of a long and awkward drive in her jeep.
“So what was she like?” Emma asks as we step along. “Lilly never talked to me much after she shipped out.”
“She was a good shot,” I say, remembering the short time I spent with her. “Put our two FNGs to shame. But she wasn't hardcore...she had that wolf pack loyalty, too. I'd swear she was a Marine. Looked out for us like we were her flesh and blood, and we did the same to her.”
“She didn't change much, then,” Emma says. “Lilly was more like a mother than a sister.”
“Ten minutes with us,” I say. “And she was family.”
“...so...how close were you two?” she asks suddenly. I stop and stagger slightly, because, without me noticing, Emma had looped her arm around mine, and she didn't stop when I did. She stops and locks eyes with me. Nothing is said, but we connect. She sees the absolute hell I've been through as a Marine, the wars I've fought, the burden I carry as a killer. And I see her longing, to be something more, to get out there like her sister and make a difference. We both see grief over Lilly's death, and how it still hurts to think about.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I do this anyway. I move up, take her face gently in my hands, and press my lips to hers. I do this fully expecting to be slapped, but I'm not. She wraps her arms around me and returns the kiss,
It's starting to get dark at this point. Emma finally parts from me, but our eyes don't break contact. We don't talk, we just move. We find her jeep again and dive in, not even bothering to lock it. From there...I don't know. It's a long, pleasurable blur.
But of course, it has to end. I eventually open my eyes to a bright moon outside the nearest window and the weight of Emma on my chest.
“Hey,” I say quietly. “What are you doing for the next week?”
“I ship out in five days,” she answers.
Now I smile. “I'll walk you into Camp, then...but first...do you like skiing?”
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Okay then, in an effort to improve my reviews, I'll be using your format for this review.
The Good: Well, either you're a fellow serviceman or you're just very knowledgeable about the subject. I commend that. Additionally, you also acknowledge at least one other service, which is something I failed to do in my own story, so I can tell that you're the type who isn't completely biased to one service. Additionally, I enjoy the character's interaction with his fellow servicemen.
The Okay: Grammar and spelling checks out and additionally, this story seems to have the proper story structure that I am extremely critical about.
The Bad: Well, I would have to say that I am a little confused with his relationship with Lily if they were just comrades or if they actually something more. On top of that, I am a little skeptical about Emma's relationship with the main character. While I get that you have a limit, I would've liked to see more interaction between Emma and Zeke before they eventually start hooking up. On top of that, the ending just didn't feel like everything was resolved. For all I could tell, it could've been a one night stand as a result of sorrow. It seemed more like they were licking each other's wounds. Oh, and I would like to see a little more detail and clarification. For example, I couldn't tell if it was Emma who was in uniform or if it's just Zeke's imagination.
On a side note, make sure you know the rules on fraternization. While it is somewhat allowed in certain circumstances, there are many instances where it is flat out forbidden. Still, good luck and this was a pleasurable read.
The Good: Well, either you're a fellow serviceman or you're just very knowledgeable about the subject. I commend that. Additionally, you also acknowledge at least one other service, which is something I failed to do in my own story, so I can tell that you're the type who isn't completely biased to one service. Additionally, I enjoy the character's interaction with his fellow servicemen.
The Okay: Grammar and spelling checks out and additionally, this story seems to have the proper story structure that I am extremely critical about.
The Bad: Well, I would have to say that I am a little confused with his relationship with Lily if they were just comrades or if they actually something more. On top of that, I am a little skeptical about Emma's relationship with the main character. While I get that you have a limit, I would've liked to see more interaction between Emma and Zeke before they eventually start hooking up. On top of that, the ending just didn't feel like everything was resolved. For all I could tell, it could've been a one night stand as a result of sorrow. It seemed more like they were licking each other's wounds. Oh, and I would like to see a little more detail and clarification. For example, I couldn't tell if it was Emma who was in uniform or if it's just Zeke's imagination.
On a side note, make sure you know the rules on fraternization. While it is somewhat allowed in certain circumstances, there are many instances where it is flat out forbidden. Still, good luck and this was a pleasurable read.
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Blaze wrote...
Okay then, in an effort to improve my reviews, I'll be using your format for this review.The Good: Well, either you're a fellow serviceman or you're just very knowledgeable about the subject. I commend that. Additionally, you also acknowledge at least one other service, which is something I failed to do in my own story, so I can tell that you're the type who isn't completely biased to one service. Additionally, I enjoy the character's interaction with his fellow servicemen.
The Okay: Grammar and spelling checks out and additionally, this story seems to have the proper story structure that I am extremely critical about.
The Bad: Well, I would have to say that I am a little confused with his relationship with Lily if they were just comrades or if they actually something more. On top of that, I am a little skeptical about Emma's relationship with the main character. While I get that you have a limit, I would've liked to see more interaction between Emma and Zeke before they eventually start hooking up. On top of that, the ending just didn't feel like everything was resolved. For all I could tell, it could've been a one night stand as a result of sorrow. It seemed more like they were licking each other's wounds. Oh, and I would like to see a little more detail and clarification. For example, I couldn't tell if it was Emma who was in uniform or if it's just Zeke's imagination.
On a side note, make sure you know the rules on fraternization. While it is somewhat allowed in certain circumstances, there are many instances where it is flat out forbidden. Still, good luck and this was a pleasurable read.
Well, damn, you picked out just about everything I DIDN'T like about my story :P I'm not a serviceman yet, but I'm signing up for the Marine Corps Delayed Entry Program sometime this month, I hope.
To explain a bit, I could have easily cleaned all of that confusion up, but the word limit kinda got to me. I'm used to being able to just DO, not looking over my shoulder every ten seconds to make sure I'm not doing too much :P I tried to salvage it, but the ending really turned into a train wreck, me trying to give everything closure.
Ah, small detail about the 'uniform' Emma was wearing. Yes, she was actually wearing that. Remember it's just Battle Dress Uniform pants and combat boots, which I happen to have pairs of X3 but she's so far civilian in this bit. She just REALLY loves the Marine Corps (Hense the USMC red hoodie :) )
Also...what ARE the rules on fraternization...and where are we talking about these rules? Little confused.
All in all, thanks for an intelligent critisizm of my work :D those are hard to come by. I'll improve because of this, so thanks a ton!
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Jericho Antares
FAKKU Writer
Disclaimer: These remarks have ended up being very stream-of-conscious in nature. Apologies
While the writing itself isn't bad I can't shake the feeling when I read of how typically Esprit de Corps it is. The almost drunk-on-itself pride that there seems to be almost detached from reality to me. I've known my share of Marines and though a couple guys (Infantry...surprise surprise) did behave somewhat like that I still feel some lines (mainly one really) are too much. The line in question is Vasquez calling Zeke a punk ass wuss for lamenting over shared comrades.
On the topic of that line the follow up, "someone has to tell their families", this should have been taken care of long ago by whoever was in command on the field at that time. The LT or Gunny would have to draft an After-Action Report and the one infantry LT I know (Army) said he never hasn't written a letter to the families of any fallen soldiers under his command. It may actually be protocol, but I don't know for sure. The family should have found out months ago if Lily was killed months ago.
I am also confused as to the particulars of the leave and mentioned operation themselves. You mention taking a village in Somalia. I might be wrong but I'm mostly sure that Force Recon operates based on deployments, not travel to and from the theater of operations on a per-mission basis. Did they take the village on the ass end of a deployment? It doesn't matter much in the grand scheme, but I'm just curious as to why he only brings up one example of why they had earned their leave.
The "squad taking a town" concept also confuses me. What possible practical reason would there be to A: Perform combat operations in a village when the pace/nature of most modern wars (not against uniformed armies) makes small villages relatively small targets and B: Put so few resources into doing so if the village is for some reason worth "taking"? Perhaps there is some larger scale war going on with Somalia as a front?
The number of deaths in Zeke's unit is appalling too. I think actually having less dead comrades would have worked better. This is fucking Force Recon. Hardest bastards in the Corps. I think they'd be too good to lose that many people with the kinds of skills they have and operations they are assigned. In particular I'm surprised they got ambushed at all. For example, I believe that less than 6 characters died over the course of Generation Kill (which is a true story to my knowledge. Have the book but haven't read it yet. Don't know differences, if any, between the book and the show) and that's just First Recon, not even Force Recon. Again, this could be from a larger scale war, but when I imagine Somalia I imagine the same caliber of enemy aptitude that is shown in Black Hawk Down wherein 18 servicemen died including the crewmen of the 160th SOAR despite how much of a debacle the operation was.
Pulling back from that shit-storm of nit-pickery, I did like the story as a whole. Camaraderie, dealing with death, and the look that silently says you know what it all feels like are great themes for the backdrop of a love story that indeed ends haphazardly, but that's what post-contest editing is for.
While the writing itself isn't bad I can't shake the feeling when I read of how typically Esprit de Corps it is. The almost drunk-on-itself pride that there seems to be almost detached from reality to me. I've known my share of Marines and though a couple guys (Infantry...surprise surprise) did behave somewhat like that I still feel some lines (mainly one really) are too much. The line in question is Vasquez calling Zeke a punk ass wuss for lamenting over shared comrades.
On the topic of that line the follow up, "someone has to tell their families", this should have been taken care of long ago by whoever was in command on the field at that time. The LT or Gunny would have to draft an After-Action Report and the one infantry LT I know (Army) said he never hasn't written a letter to the families of any fallen soldiers under his command. It may actually be protocol, but I don't know for sure. The family should have found out months ago if Lily was killed months ago.
I am also confused as to the particulars of the leave and mentioned operation themselves. You mention taking a village in Somalia. I might be wrong but I'm mostly sure that Force Recon operates based on deployments, not travel to and from the theater of operations on a per-mission basis. Did they take the village on the ass end of a deployment? It doesn't matter much in the grand scheme, but I'm just curious as to why he only brings up one example of why they had earned their leave.
The "squad taking a town" concept also confuses me. What possible practical reason would there be to A: Perform combat operations in a village when the pace/nature of most modern wars (not against uniformed armies) makes small villages relatively small targets and B: Put so few resources into doing so if the village is for some reason worth "taking"? Perhaps there is some larger scale war going on with Somalia as a front?
The number of deaths in Zeke's unit is appalling too. I think actually having less dead comrades would have worked better. This is fucking Force Recon. Hardest bastards in the Corps. I think they'd be too good to lose that many people with the kinds of skills they have and operations they are assigned. In particular I'm surprised they got ambushed at all. For example, I believe that less than 6 characters died over the course of Generation Kill (which is a true story to my knowledge. Have the book but haven't read it yet. Don't know differences, if any, between the book and the show) and that's just First Recon, not even Force Recon. Again, this could be from a larger scale war, but when I imagine Somalia I imagine the same caliber of enemy aptitude that is shown in Black Hawk Down wherein 18 servicemen died including the crewmen of the 160th SOAR despite how much of a debacle the operation was.
Pulling back from that shit-storm of nit-pickery, I did like the story as a whole. Camaraderie, dealing with death, and the look that silently says you know what it all feels like are great themes for the backdrop of a love story that indeed ends haphazardly, but that's what post-contest editing is for.
0
Jericho Antares wrote...
Disclaimer: These remarks have ended up being very stream-of-conscious in nature. ApologiesWhile the writing itself isn't bad I can't shake the feeling when I read of how typically Esprit de Corps it is. The almost drunk-on-itself pride that there seems to be almost detached from reality to me. I've known my share of Marines and though a couple guys (Infantry...surprise surprise) did behave somewhat like that I still feel some lines (mainly one really) are too much. The line in question is Vasquez calling Zeke a punk ass wuss for lamenting over shared comrades.
On the topic of that line the follow up, "someone has to tell their families", this should have been taken care of long ago by whoever was in command on the field at that time. The LT or Gunny would have to draft an After-Action Report and the one infantry LT I know (Army) said he never hasn't written a letter to the families of any fallen soldiers under his command. It may actually be protocol, but I don't know for sure. The family should have found out months ago if Lily was killed months ago.
I am also confused as to the particulars of the leave and mentioned operation themselves. You mention taking a village in Somalia. I might be wrong but I'm mostly sure that Force Recon operates based on deployments, not travel to and from the theater of operations on a per-mission basis. Did they take the village on the ass end of a deployment? It doesn't matter much in the grand scheme, but I'm just curious as to why he only brings up one example of why they had earned their leave.
The "squad taking a town" concept also confuses me. What possible practical reason would there be to A: Perform combat operations in a village when the pace/nature of most modern wars (not against uniformed armies) makes small villages relatively small targets and B: Put so few resources into doing so if the village is for some reason worth "taking"? Perhaps there is some larger scale war going on with Somalia as a front?
The number of deaths in Zeke's unit is appalling too. I think actually having less dead comrades would have worked better. This is fucking Force Recon. Hardest bastards in the Corps. I think they'd be too good to lose that many people with the kinds of skills they have and operations they are assigned. In particular I'm surprised they got ambushed at all. For example, I believe that less than 6 characters died over the course of Generation Kill (which is a true story to my knowledge. Have the book but haven't read it yet. Don't know differences, if any, between the book and the show) and that's just First Recon, not even Force Recon. Again, this could be from a larger scale war, but when I imagine Somalia I imagine the same caliber of enemy aptitude that is shown in Black Hawk Down wherein 18 servicemen died including the crewmen of the 160th SOAR despite how much of a debacle the operation was.
Pulling back from that shit-storm of nit-pickery, I did like the story as a whole. Camaraderie, dealing with death, and the look that silently says you know what it all feels like are great themes for the backdrop of a love story that indeed ends haphazardly, but that's what post-contest editing is for.
Well...I've been sufficiently humbled as to my knowledge of the Corps o_O Mate I'm not a Marine...not yet anyway. There's a lot of particulars in this story, and I did a lot of logic-bending for this particular writing. I'm not even gonna try to explain myself, man...even the troll in me is speechless. I mean, you tore apart everything I figured people WOULDN'T question O_o and so was lax with. There's a much, much bigger picture that will explain all of this...if given the chance, which due to the word limit I wasn't.
Well, thanks for the crit anyway...I'm gonna go sit in a corner and wonder about what else I don't know about a Corps I'm hoping to join.
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Jericho Antares
FAKKU Writer
AlWayZFrE3 wrote...
Well...I've been sufficiently humbled as to my knowledge of the Corps o_O Mate I'm not a Marine...not yet anyway. There's a lot of particulars in this story, and I did a lot of logic-bending for this particular writing. I'm not even gonna try to explain myself, man...even the troll in me is speechless. I mean, you tore apart everything I figured people WOULDN'T question O_o and so was lax with. There's a much, much bigger picture that will explain all of this...if given the chance, which due to the word limit I wasn't.Well, thanks for the crit anyway...I'm gonna go sit in a corner and wonder about what else I don't know about a Corps I'm hoping to join.
Don't mind me, my wording is a lot more venomous than I intend most of the time. And the only reason I do know these things is because I loved the Corps myself for a time. Now I'm a NAVSOC kind of guy.
I'm looking forward to see how everything around the conflict pans out and where Zeke finds himself within it--should you decide to expand once the contest is over and done.
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Jericho Antares wrote...
AlWayZFrE3 wrote...
Well...I've been sufficiently humbled as to my knowledge of the Corps o_O Mate I'm not a Marine...not yet anyway. There's a lot of particulars in this story, and I did a lot of logic-bending for this particular writing. I'm not even gonna try to explain myself, man...even the troll in me is speechless. I mean, you tore apart everything I figured people WOULDN'T question O_o and so was lax with. There's a much, much bigger picture that will explain all of this...if given the chance, which due to the word limit I wasn't.Well, thanks for the crit anyway...I'm gonna go sit in a corner and wonder about what else I don't know about a Corps I'm hoping to join.
Don't mind me, my wording is a lot more venomous than I intend most of the time. And the only reason I do know these things is because I loved the Corps myself for a time. Now I'm a NAVSOC kind of guy.
I'm looking forward to see how everything around the conflict pans out and where Zeke finds himself within it--should you decide to expand once the contest is over and done.
Well fuck, dude, I was writing the story when I read your comment :/ I don't mean offense by this but that was quite the beatdown. I've been working out for the past hour and change :P which is probably a good thing considering my carreer choice. I figure I'll wait for the contest to end and see how I do before I expand, so-as my mental situation doesn't alter the story at all.