[Summer Contest Entry 2012] Connection

Before you start reading, the term "Snus" which is mentioned at the start is like smoke. It's a small bag with nicotine which is produced in sweden and only sold in Norway, Denmark and Sweden as i know, and therefor you won't understand what it is unless i explain it :P

now to the story.

Note: I'm horrible at naming my work



I finish with the translation of a doujinshi on fakku and lay back relaxed. "Ahh, finally i can relaxe" i say out. I don't excpect any reply as i live alone. I pick up my snus box and make it dry under my lips before i insert it in the dry spot. Tomorrow starts a new summer vacation, and this time, i'll go to spain. The reason for me going to spain is because a girl who read all my translations and original work seemd to be really interesting. We have talked for half a year, and i suggested that i'd travel to spain just to meet her. She mentioned earlier which town she lived in, so i just said i'd go there for the summer.




I get of the flight and walks toward the air port. I end up in a line and wait for another 30 minutes before it's my turn. I pick up my pass port and lay it on the desk for the man to check it. He gives it back and sayd "Move along". After that i walk out of the air port and take a taxi to my hotel which is in the town 2 hours away. In the car i pick up my laptop and start chatting a bit with her, and figure out where to meet.

"We're here" the taxi driver says. I pick up the money and hand it over to the taxi driver. "Thanks for the ride" i says and take up my hand. around in this town. I walk into the reception. "A room for one" I says. The receptionist is looking before she nods and hand over a key and get up a piece of paper. "Sign here please" she says. I signs the paper and gets the key. "It's on 3'rd floor" the receptionist says. I walk up to our room and places my suitcases down. "I better walk around, it would be good to know what sort of things i can do here.

I wander around the town just looking for something interesting, when i see a girl standing alone. Shes around 19 and looks very familliar. I walk over to her and ask her "You don't happen to be Ana?". She looks at me and starts to go red before she replies. "Y-yes, I'm Ana". I bow with my right hand on my stomach and the left arm out saying "Walker, thats me" and go back to standing normal. "So do you wanna go anywhere special?" i ask. "I'm going to eat dinner in ten minutes, if you'd like, you could have some too" she replies. "Thanks for the offer, but i just ate something" i reply. "Well, you can wait on my room then i guess" she says. We walk together back to her as we chat little on the way. When we arrive we walk into her room and sit down. In the room theres a desk with a computer on, a bookcase with mangas in, a bed, a pc chair and a regular chair. She sits on the pc chair and me on the regular one. "So when did you arrive?" she asks. "Around 2 pm, the flight took around four and a half hour, so i had to get up early" i reply. We sit talking a bit more before it gets dark. "So do you want to do anything tomorrow or? Would be great with a tour in the town" i say. "Sure, shall we meet at the same place we met earlier?" she asks. "Sure, should manage to find the way there" i laugh. I stand up and she follows me to the door. We say good bye and i walk back to the hotel.

The next day i walk to the spot we met yesterday. We meet up and start walking around the town. After a while we stop in a park and eat an ice cream each before we continue. We walk into the town again and finish the route she had set up. Her father calls all of sudden. "yes, i'll come home right away... yes, bye" she says. "I'm sorry, i've got to eat dinner" she says. "It's alright, take care" i say and just stand looking at her while shes walking away. The strange feeling from earlier appears again. "i guess im really in love" i tell myself. Two guys walk up to her and grabs her arm. One of them yells out "Come here!" and tries to drag her along. I run over and push him away before turning to the other who is about to attack me. I dodge the attack and use it to send him into the ground. "Walker!" she yells. "RUN!" i yell back. She stands there shocked, scared of whats happening. I look at her and try to get her to communicate again, but she stand still. One of the guys stands up again and pucnhes me so i walk bakwards. "Thought you would get away without a fight?" he yells. he tries to hit again, but i grab his arm and sends him back to the ground, when i turn around to the other guy a blade is sent into my stomach. "Walker" the girl yells. The guy on the ground yells to the other, "What are you doing?". The second guy looks at me shocked of what he did. The guy on the ground gets up and grab the second guy and runs off. I stand up till their out of sight before i fall to the ground. She runs over to me and lift me up. I breath heavily as i start talking. "I-I'm glad i could be usefull for someone" i manage to say. "Don't speak" she yells paniced. "I'm dead anyway..." i say before i continue. "I'm glad that i could meet you at least, i have wanted to do so for a long time." i say before i start coughing blood. i take my hand up to her chin. "Your so beautiful... Your voice is" i cough some more blood before contnuing. "Your voice is of an angel, i've loved you for a long time" i say. She looks at me and starts crying. "I-I thought you just were a guy who joked about a lot of things online, but when i m-met you, i figured out you were a really nice guy..." she hessitates to continue. "B-but this little time i've spent with you, i just started to feel the same way about you... So please, don't die!" she cries. "I-I'm" i cough some more blood before i manage to say the last word, "Sorry...". My arm falls to the ground and a drop from the sky falls to the ground. The rain starts to pour down and shes just holding me tightly while crying. "Walker... Walker... WALKER!!!"














I wake up. I see bright light coming trough the window. I look around the room and it's small and white. I lie in a white bed aswell, so i asume im at a hospital. I feel that something is on top of me, and i look to the right of my bed. The girl of my dreams are there, lying next to me sleeping. A doctor walks into the room. "Your finally awake" he says with a smile. "You was close to death, but we managed to save you" he says. "How long have i've been out?" i ask him. "six days" the doctor replies. "Also, the girl have been there most of the time, your lucky to have her" he says before he leaves the room. I lie back in the bed and rest for a while.

A nurse comes into the room with food for me and Ana. She puts her food on the table and put mine on the bed. She wakes up Ana before leaving the room. "Walker!" Ana says with a smile and hugs me. "Thank you for saving me, and im sorry i caused this mess for you" she says a bit sadned. "Don't be sad, you'd be mentaly broken if nobody helped you, and im glad i could be able to save someone". "Thanks" she says as she moves her head towards me and kisses me.

Spelling errors and grammatical mistakes aside, I found this an easy read. However, it could be more pleasant if you could add more variety to your sentence structure. I used to make this mistake at grade school when I begun an essay with an "I" and started every subsequent sentence with a "And then" and "And then".

Allow me to quote the first few sentences of your penultimate paragraph.
"I wake up. I see bright coming through the window. I look around the room and it's small and white. I was laid on a white bed as well, so I assumed that I am in a hospital."

I can rewrite it as.

"As my mind wandered, questioning itself if all of this were a dream for what seemed like forever, my eyes finally opened. Bright light streamed in through the window, my body was covered in white sheets and set upon a white bed, and I could faintly smell antiseptic in the air. In this hospital ward, I felt real, more real than I felt for what seemed to be a long time."

Of course I assumed that my character has come out from a coma instead of being warded for being injured. It is possible to begin sentences with other words. However, this requires me to read more and learn how sentences can be written.

Oh yes. And that aside, is it all right if you read my entry?
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91238

Good: I apologize in advance, but I can't think of too many things for this section. I guess the fighting was interesting, albeit short, and sadly...that's all I have to say.

Bad: Dear lord, just look at the grammatical errors and spelling errors. No offense, but did you actually review your own work before hand? Also, you have an issue of switching between past and present tense. This is literally from me reading the first paragraph. It was almost unreadable for me. Then, there's the issue of the story itself, which lacks logic in many areas. You failed to mention until later that they had known each other for a long time, so it seemed quite random for Walker to go on a 4 hour plane ride to meet a stranger he knows online. Also, the story's pace is just...painful. It starts out painfully slow, then all of a sudden ramps up when she's being kidnapped, to him taking a knife to the stomach, spilling his feelings and blood, then miraculously surviving and they live happily ever after. I'm sorry, but even with the word limit, it is possible to adjust the pace.

Again, I am really sorry that I can't give any positives, but simple things could have salvaged this work. Honestly, show it to your friends. Read it out loud. JUST READ YOUR OWN DAMN WORK. I can tell you're inexperienced right now, so hang in there and maybe if you keep working at it, you just might come up with a good story.

Blaze focused on the negatives which may be justifable, but let me say one thing that I feel that stood out from the rest of entries.

It is easier to read and keep track of what is going on.

Maybe it is because of the simple sentences and the lack of description or maybe because it is jumping straight into the action. Either way, it will be challenging to write a story that is both easy to read and powerful at the same time.

You have been disqualified for editing your work. I'm sorry.

While I have written a very negative review and this may be interpreted as kicking a man while he's down, but I would hate to see someone disqualified. Honestly, did Walker even edit his work? It looks exactly the same and I still see the same errors I did before. How was this edited? Even if it was edited, it wasn't enough to make it coherent and while I highly doubt this entry will win, I still think it deserves to remain, if only because I can't see any signs of editing and also because it really doesn't make a difference...

First: I don't feel the need to really explain myself to you.

Second: I like to stick to my rules.

But to be sure, I'll have a staff member check.

Oh, I understand and respect your authority. I was just confused when I saw the notice as I could not pick out any noticeable difference in editing.

wait, i haven't edited my work, i can't recall doing that ever, can i check it anywhere if so?

Cuz the only time i was on this page was when i got feed back about how i could have improved it, but besides that i've never been on this thread :S


Edit:
i don't really care too much if i win or not, knowing as i always have gotten things negative, i care more for partaking than winning. I just want to be a part of it though, i kind of already knew i'd never win, just wanted some attention to my work for once.

If i was disqualified, it's a shame as all i care for is partaking, which i was told young, doesn't matter if you win or lose, as long as you partake

Also, i don't mean to make you feel bad or try to turn you around, i just feel like getting out my words as i don't have people to listen to me, which means that i use internet that way so people can listen to me in some way eventually.

Apparently, it'd take like a month for Jacob to get it checked. Meh, I'll just add it back for the sake of terminating all the QQ'ing here.