[Summer Contest Entry 2012] My Life is a Lie
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My Life is a Lie
“One day you will surely find the right person for you…”
Those were words spoken to me many years ago. At the time I believed in it but now I feel as if that “one day” will never come. My name is Akira Hikari and I am currently a second-year in high school. My days are filled with occasional longing for a romance but mainly it’s…
“HNGGGGGGGGGGH!!! This vanilla doujin is amazing! The author is a genius! Oh, my heart..!” I screamed to my ceiling.
You’ve probably figured it out by now. Yes, I am a full-blown otaku. Thankfully I still have the ability to interact with people and not be a total failure in school. But otherwise, I am consumed by my hobbies. My room is lined wall-to-wall with goods and limited edition merchandise. Manga fill my bookshelves while video games take up the corners of my walls and DVDs and boxsets lie near my TV waiting to be watched once more. Right now I am on summer break and it’s filled with late nights of browsing the Internet and excursions out to my mecca: Akihabara. I think that even Konata Izumi would be proud of me. Currently, I was browsing a popular English hentai site headed by a very professionally dressed chicken. It was unusual but it allowed me to rave over my beloved vanilla doujins. I’m positive I will end up with diabetes from all the sweetness. But I would have no regrets.
My name is Akira Hikari and this is my life.
Half-asleep, I stumbled downstairs for breakfast and was met with a very warm greeting from my parents.
“Akira, you’re going on vacation so get out.” Dad said from behind his newspaper.
I sat there for a few seconds processing everything and blinked a few times before immediately blurting out: “Wait….WHAT?!”
“You need to get out more and enjoy the summer break so we decided that you should go visit your Aunt. I promise it’ll be fun! She lives near a hot spring and you can always go to the shopping district. ” Mom said, immediately after my Dad finished.
I considered the options and it would be a free vacation for the most part.
“Ok, fine. I’ll go for a week or two but how will I get there?” I finally replied back.
“Hehe, we already took care of that. Here’s your train ticket and it leaves in about 5 hours. Also, remember to pack everything you need and take these gifts to your aunt. Have fun, dear!” Mom said as she set down my breakfast.
After scarfing down my breakfast, I returned to my room and began the daunting task of packing my things in time. One bag contained my clothes and necessities while my backpack was filled with entertainment. Satisfied with my packing, I went back on the computer and continued wandering the Internet once more. I wonder when the next new wave of works will be released. Waiting gets SO boring!
Looking at the clock a good while later, I decided it was a good time to head toward the station so I wouldn’t be late for my train. Grabbing my bags, I quickly checked to ensure nothing was forgotten and headed toward the door.
“I’m off! Be back in a week or two!” I shouted into the house behind me.
“Have a safe trip! Don’t do anything too stupid!” My parents replied back.
I sighed to myself as I walked toward the station. Since when do I do anything stupid to begin with? I’m online way too much to get myself into any real trouble anyway. Wow, that sounds depressing. Anyway, arriving at the station, I handed over my ticket and boarded the train and waited until departure. Once the train took off, I took out my PSP and immediately began playing a game to pass the time. It was a standard dating sim game with choices. Except that I could clearly see the path to the end for this game. Just like how “The Capturing God” sees all!
Arriving at my destination, all it took was a quick bus ride and a short walk before I arrived at the door of my Aunt’s house. I rang the doorbell and waited.
“Hey Akira! Your mom said you would be here soon. Come in!” She greeted after opening the door.
“Hey Aunt Nami! Long time no see. Where are my idiot cousins? Are they out causing trouble again? I asked with a smirk plastered across my face.
She laughed and replied, “Not today…or at least I hope not. They went to go find someone and still aren’t back. So could you go to the store and grab some groceries for dinner?”
“Well I don’t want to starve, so I guess I have to. What’s the list?”
Walking down the street toward the nearest market, I looked around and saw the park that I played at often. Heh, those were the simple days for sure. I wonder if she still visits this place occasionally… Looking closer, I saw a girl by herself on the swings. She’s cute. Very cute. With her long black hair that flows down to her mid-back, perfect breasts and curves that were accentuated by her white summer dress, and adorable face that made my heart melt, I couldn’t help but stare. I should probably stop so I turned away but still stood there thinking. I feel like the perverted main character in a manga that somehow gets the girl. But that would never happen. I turn back to look one last time before moving on just to find her face inches from mine.
I can’t move. What is going on here?! She’s been looking at me for a while but what do I do?!
“Aki-chan, is that really you?” was the first thing she said.
“Uh…who are you? Do I know you..?” I somehow stumbled out.
I blinked a bit and waited for her answer until I see that HER FIST IS COMING RIGHT FOR MY FACE!
“OW! What was that for?!” I angrily said after recovering from my inevitable fall.
“Hmph! Some childhood friend you are if you can’t even remember!” She pouted with a slight blush covering her face.
“Huh…? Childhood friend? Wait…Sora?!” I shouted, shocked that I would find her still living here.
“Looks like you finally remembered, you idiot.” She said with a smile on her face. “Your cousins told me that I might see you if I waited here.”
This is Sora Kobayashi. She was my childhood friend when we lived in this town. She was also my crush. Always cute and energetic, she caught the attention of all the boys but still chose to stick with me, never leaving my side. Eventually both of us moved away and drifted apart. I never got the chance to tell her how I felt. Soon after, the vivid memories of her began to move to the back of my mind too. I can’t believe it though. She’s actually here.
“Hey Aki-chan..? Stop staring into space and say something~” She playfully waved her hand in front of my face with a confused expression.
I have to do this. If I don’t, then I will regret it forever. Like all my favorite shounen main characters, I must be a man!!!
I suddenly grabbed her tightly and wouldn’t let go.
“W-What are you doing idiot?! This is embarrassing!” She angrily said while her blush reached her ears.
“Sora, listen. I have to say something. I….
…opened my eyes and saw the ceiling of my room. Huh..? What...? NO! It was all a dream!? Why?! Why would my consciousness do this to me?! I have to go back! But how?!..How can I ever tell her how I feel? I don’t even know where she is.
Somehow I managed to remove myself from my bed, my mood already ruined for the day. I logged onto my computer and turned it on. Going back to that English hentai site, Fakku it was called, I saw a post advertising a “Summer Writing Contest.”
I began typing.
“One day you will surely find the right person for you…”
Those were words spoken to me many years ago. At the time I believed in it but now I feel as if that “one day” will never come. My name is Akira Hikari and I am currently a second-year in high school. My days are filled with occasional longing for a romance but mainly it’s…
“HNGGGGGGGGGGH!!! This vanilla doujin is amazing! The author is a genius! Oh, my heart..!” I screamed to my ceiling.
You’ve probably figured it out by now. Yes, I am a full-blown otaku. Thankfully I still have the ability to interact with people and not be a total failure in school. But otherwise, I am consumed by my hobbies. My room is lined wall-to-wall with goods and limited edition merchandise. Manga fill my bookshelves while video games take up the corners of my walls and DVDs and boxsets lie near my TV waiting to be watched once more. Right now I am on summer break and it’s filled with late nights of browsing the Internet and excursions out to my mecca: Akihabara. I think that even Konata Izumi would be proud of me. Currently, I was browsing a popular English hentai site headed by a very professionally dressed chicken. It was unusual but it allowed me to rave over my beloved vanilla doujins. I’m positive I will end up with diabetes from all the sweetness. But I would have no regrets.
My name is Akira Hikari and this is my life.
Half-asleep, I stumbled downstairs for breakfast and was met with a very warm greeting from my parents.
“Akira, you’re going on vacation so get out.” Dad said from behind his newspaper.
I sat there for a few seconds processing everything and blinked a few times before immediately blurting out: “Wait….WHAT?!”
“You need to get out more and enjoy the summer break so we decided that you should go visit your Aunt. I promise it’ll be fun! She lives near a hot spring and you can always go to the shopping district. ” Mom said, immediately after my Dad finished.
I considered the options and it would be a free vacation for the most part.
“Ok, fine. I’ll go for a week or two but how will I get there?” I finally replied back.
“Hehe, we already took care of that. Here’s your train ticket and it leaves in about 5 hours. Also, remember to pack everything you need and take these gifts to your aunt. Have fun, dear!” Mom said as she set down my breakfast.
After scarfing down my breakfast, I returned to my room and began the daunting task of packing my things in time. One bag contained my clothes and necessities while my backpack was filled with entertainment. Satisfied with my packing, I went back on the computer and continued wandering the Internet once more. I wonder when the next new wave of works will be released. Waiting gets SO boring!
Looking at the clock a good while later, I decided it was a good time to head toward the station so I wouldn’t be late for my train. Grabbing my bags, I quickly checked to ensure nothing was forgotten and headed toward the door.
“I’m off! Be back in a week or two!” I shouted into the house behind me.
“Have a safe trip! Don’t do anything too stupid!” My parents replied back.
I sighed to myself as I walked toward the station. Since when do I do anything stupid to begin with? I’m online way too much to get myself into any real trouble anyway. Wow, that sounds depressing. Anyway, arriving at the station, I handed over my ticket and boarded the train and waited until departure. Once the train took off, I took out my PSP and immediately began playing a game to pass the time. It was a standard dating sim game with choices. Except that I could clearly see the path to the end for this game. Just like how “The Capturing God” sees all!
Arriving at my destination, all it took was a quick bus ride and a short walk before I arrived at the door of my Aunt’s house. I rang the doorbell and waited.
“Hey Akira! Your mom said you would be here soon. Come in!” She greeted after opening the door.
“Hey Aunt Nami! Long time no see. Where are my idiot cousins? Are they out causing trouble again? I asked with a smirk plastered across my face.
She laughed and replied, “Not today…or at least I hope not. They went to go find someone and still aren’t back. So could you go to the store and grab some groceries for dinner?”
“Well I don’t want to starve, so I guess I have to. What’s the list?”
Walking down the street toward the nearest market, I looked around and saw the park that I played at often. Heh, those were the simple days for sure. I wonder if she still visits this place occasionally… Looking closer, I saw a girl by herself on the swings. She’s cute. Very cute. With her long black hair that flows down to her mid-back, perfect breasts and curves that were accentuated by her white summer dress, and adorable face that made my heart melt, I couldn’t help but stare. I should probably stop so I turned away but still stood there thinking. I feel like the perverted main character in a manga that somehow gets the girl. But that would never happen. I turn back to look one last time before moving on just to find her face inches from mine.
I can’t move. What is going on here?! She’s been looking at me for a while but what do I do?!
“Aki-chan, is that really you?” was the first thing she said.
“Uh…who are you? Do I know you..?” I somehow stumbled out.
I blinked a bit and waited for her answer until I see that HER FIST IS COMING RIGHT FOR MY FACE!
“OW! What was that for?!” I angrily said after recovering from my inevitable fall.
“Hmph! Some childhood friend you are if you can’t even remember!” She pouted with a slight blush covering her face.
“Huh…? Childhood friend? Wait…Sora?!” I shouted, shocked that I would find her still living here.
“Looks like you finally remembered, you idiot.” She said with a smile on her face. “Your cousins told me that I might see you if I waited here.”
This is Sora Kobayashi. She was my childhood friend when we lived in this town. She was also my crush. Always cute and energetic, she caught the attention of all the boys but still chose to stick with me, never leaving my side. Eventually both of us moved away and drifted apart. I never got the chance to tell her how I felt. Soon after, the vivid memories of her began to move to the back of my mind too. I can’t believe it though. She’s actually here.
“Hey Aki-chan..? Stop staring into space and say something~” She playfully waved her hand in front of my face with a confused expression.
I have to do this. If I don’t, then I will regret it forever. Like all my favorite shounen main characters, I must be a man!!!
I suddenly grabbed her tightly and wouldn’t let go.
“W-What are you doing idiot?! This is embarrassing!” She angrily said while her blush reached her ears.
“Sora, listen. I have to say something. I….
…opened my eyes and saw the ceiling of my room. Huh..? What...? NO! It was all a dream!? Why?! Why would my consciousness do this to me?! I have to go back! But how?!..How can I ever tell her how I feel? I don’t even know where she is.
Somehow I managed to remove myself from my bed, my mood already ruined for the day. I logged onto my computer and turned it on. Going back to that English hentai site, Fakku it was called, I saw a post advertising a “Summer Writing Contest.”
I began typing.
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Notes: I feel like the pacing did not turn out well at all. This was my first complete story. Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated since I want to be able to write more and do it well!
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My Review: Yey! Capitalization and punctuation? I heart you.
The Good: Honestly, it is an honest-to-God visual novel style story. You've managed to realize exactly what it was from the beginning to end. You even added some other anime references that seemed to further the self-realization. Simple, clean, and effective. You seem very adept with knowing how to write properly. You know where to add descriptions, where to keep the action flowing, and how to use the first-person POV properly.
The Okay: Eh... It's generic though. For the million and one animes with a childhood friend, this would be #728,311 (random number). I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but this lacks the pizzazz that stranger concepts have.
The Bad: The ending. It just seems like a "Fuck, I'm reaching the word limit. I'll throw in a random ending here." If anything, the beginning could be shorter for a better ending. Structually, this entire thing is sound, but ending wise, it could use a lot of help. If anything, keep working on writing and try to make a full story.
The Good: Honestly, it is an honest-to-God visual novel style story. You've managed to realize exactly what it was from the beginning to end. You even added some other anime references that seemed to further the self-realization. Simple, clean, and effective. You seem very adept with knowing how to write properly. You know where to add descriptions, where to keep the action flowing, and how to use the first-person POV properly.
The Okay: Eh... It's generic though. For the million and one animes with a childhood friend, this would be #728,311 (random number). I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but this lacks the pizzazz that stranger concepts have.
The Bad: The ending. It just seems like a "Fuck, I'm reaching the word limit. I'll throw in a random ending here." If anything, the beginning could be shorter for a better ending. Structually, this entire thing is sound, but ending wise, it could use a lot of help. If anything, keep working on writing and try to make a full story.
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
The good part about stories that uses anime-materials/visual novel style of writing (for me) is that it's easier to imagine since I'm used to imagining an animated world.
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Thank you for both of your reviews! I will be revising this to make it a full story soon when I have some time. However, as CoffeePrince said, the childhood friend concept has been overdone but I was unable to think of something appealing with a stranger heroine at the time so I am considering changing the heroine. Any thoughts on this? Or should I continue with this but change it up and add something to catch the attention of any potential readers?
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Don't edit it until the winners are announced... and lol, I don't think I reviewed your work.
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Ok, I'll wait then...I need to think up some ideas first anyway. Hm, do you want to review it lol?
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
zerochances wrote...
Ok, I'll wait then...I need to think up some ideas first anyway. Hm, do you want to review it lol?I'll review any works upon request after the winners are announced.
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Cinia Pacifica wrote...
zerochances wrote...
Ok, I'll wait then...I need to think up some ideas first anyway. Hm, do you want to review it lol?I'll review any works upon request after the winners are announced.
Ok, thank you!
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MAN WAI ARE YOU TROLLING ME WITH DAT ENDING?
In all seriousness this story's really nice with the introduction of a solid background of the Protagonist, and it more-or-less made the readers can imagine himself as this peculiar dude since well how should I put it? When I read the story it feels like you're talking about myself and you're writing about my(exciting make-believe) summer experience which unfortunately ends with an unexpected poof~
Somehow with the ending you made earlier it gets the things a bit confusing, it made me think...what part of it were dreams or those who were truly real tho? It probably nullifies the actuality of all the descriptions above but I guess you might wanna make readers find the truth themselves by common sense~
I got some interpretation that the Protagonist itself is a hardcore gamer / otaku who lives somewhere in US or whatever place outside Japan, and he dreams about his Otaku life being in da holy land. A bit reminiscent of Visual Novels tho~
Nonetheless bravo with this entry, and I think it would be nice if you change the ending and extend it with an actual continuation from the cut-off part after the story ends =)
In all seriousness this story's really nice with the introduction of a solid background of the Protagonist, and it more-or-less made the readers can imagine himself as this peculiar dude since well how should I put it? When I read the story it feels like you're talking about myself and you're writing about my(exciting make-believe) summer experience which unfortunately ends with an unexpected poof~
Somehow with the ending you made earlier it gets the things a bit confusing, it made me think...what part of it were dreams or those who were truly real tho? It probably nullifies the actuality of all the descriptions above but I guess you might wanna make readers find the truth themselves by common sense~
I got some interpretation that the Protagonist itself is a hardcore gamer / otaku who lives somewhere in US or whatever place outside Japan, and he dreams about his Otaku life being in da holy land. A bit reminiscent of Visual Novels tho~
Nonetheless bravo with this entry, and I think it would be nice if you change the ending and extend it with an actual continuation from the cut-off part after the story ends =)