[Summer Contest Entry 2012] The Choice is Yours
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Huh...sorry I haven't reviewed this entry yet. I have done so at the suggestion of Rise and I'm glad I did, though I apologize for not doing so sooner.
Good: I like the premise. In fact, it reminds me a lot of Persona and I was especially reminded of the Velvet Room with Igor and Elizabeth/Margaret. It was certainly interesting to read about the struggles of someone else despite this being from Fakku's perspective, though I would recommend not being a weeboo with the addition of -sama. Additionally, I enjoyed the personification of the angel and devil, not to mention that your descriptions were extremely helpful to your story.
Bad: Your main problem is grammar. Many times, some of your sentences run on and on top of that, you seem to have an issue with maintaining past/present tense in your story. It did not help that the girl's story was essentially a big wall o' text, which could have been broken up better. On another note, the ending left something to be desired, at least from my point of view.
It's a pity because this is actually a very intriguing story that is brought down by easily fixable errors.
Good: I like the premise. In fact, it reminds me a lot of Persona and I was especially reminded of the Velvet Room with Igor and Elizabeth/Margaret. It was certainly interesting to read about the struggles of someone else despite this being from Fakku's perspective, though I would recommend not being a weeboo with the addition of -sama. Additionally, I enjoyed the personification of the angel and devil, not to mention that your descriptions were extremely helpful to your story.
Bad: Your main problem is grammar. Many times, some of your sentences run on and on top of that, you seem to have an issue with maintaining past/present tense in your story. It did not help that the girl's story was essentially a big wall o' text, which could have been broken up better. On another note, the ending left something to be desired, at least from my point of view.
It's a pity because this is actually a very intriguing story that is brought down by easily fixable errors.
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Joke's_End wrote...
[size=12]From his jacket he pulled out a long needle and stuck it between his head and the memorium spilled out in a silvery red ooze into the water bowl in front of him. In the same spot I was sitting in sat a young girl she looked to be about my age, maybe older or younger I can’t really tell. She looked familiar. Her face was framed with her hair, a beautiful mixture of white and black. That’s all I could see since it was through the Storyteller’s eyes… Perverted old fucker gazed upon her chest which was hidden behind her long hair. Heh, serves him right. She finally began speaking.[/h]This part made me believe as such. Because of the part regarding the memorium, water bowel, etc