[Summer Contest Entry 2012] The Dying Wish of Summer

I'm probably not the only person in this world with so many ambitions, but it seems all these burning feel of desire keeps me even further from many people who cares about me : old friends, family, and even my classmates.

Being locked away from the outside world in this solitary shell, devoid of all common sense and laws of society.

With the coming of this hot summer, my sky-high dreams to create something magnificent rockets up. But yet I still wonder, am I doing the right thing? Aiming for so many things during this brief a period of summer vacation, realizing that I'm already too late to start off, regretting about not starting much earlier...not working much harder in these past years.

Well yeah, no vacations for me, only summer classes. A result from me always running away from my responsibilities, using excuses like 'doing something that I love'. My current studies doesn't seem that important anymore since I won't be working on that field anyway. Many classes that I couldn't understand, when there's time to study and I can't just pull it off. Instead of studying...I just laze around like everything's gonna be alright even while doing nothing.

There's still a huge doubt lies within me, because all these past years I kept hiding the truth from everyone. Eventually I must tell my friends and family the truth when the time comes.

"Hey, I'm high_time, your family member, your old friend and I enjoy creating weird and perverted stuff as a hobby. Don't you think my ideals are totally horrid just because it doesn't comply with your view about 'something right and proper'? Don't you think I'm a disgusting monster for creating such horrible things, even though I tried putting my whole feelings inside it? Or will you accept me as I am, even when you folks will be mocked by the others for associating yourself with me?"

I'm still too weak to stand on my own.

Lately when I've been hospitalized due to Typhoid Fever, my body and soul was tattered down to pieces...the food tastes horrible and I want to go back soon, there's lot of things that i want to do but I can't.

Just before I was sent to the hospital, I totally felt like I was going to die any soon. It was one Wednesday, during last May where I finally decided to accept everything that comes...sitting down at my computer listening to soundtracks from Clannad. As the instrumental pieces played, on that day I cried like never before until my eyes hurt and I've gotten tired of wiping my face with towels and tissues, washing it with some water in order to keep my face fresh.

So nobody would notice that I just cried before.

Then I pondered about something as I turned off the lights on my room and, lying there on my bed with all these sluggish feelings within my body.

"Will this be the last time....of all these sets of painful tortures? I can't bear it anymore...promise me, when I could get myself through this one, a path towards my Sanctuary will open. Please make this the epilogue of this torturous years...if in case I could continue on living,"

If it weren't for the people who cares about me, who took me to the hospital, giving me moral support, medicine, and delicious treats, also motivation to keep me going strong in this adversary, I probably won't be here writing this text right now. My days of hospitalization might went longer than one week, or the worst thing...I probably had died in my own room alone, without nobody to notice my corpse and when someone in suspicion broke open to my door they'll see my corpse being mutilated by maggots.

Phew, I guess I could never proceed while being all alone as I'm basically a weak person. But still, I totally wanted to be in a society where we could freely share our ideas and thoughts. After this incident, I realized once again that I probably could die at any moment..with random probabilities, it might start out unnoticed or it could commence immediately with an extremely painful entrance.

This kind of thought scares me a lot, so I racked my brain about what things to write...if it would be my last writing before my life finally gets taken away, so I could face the reality without any regrets. It's unlike the things in my ambitions, this is more like...what kind of message that I would like to express the most. Scrolling up to the first page, I felt that this writing might be the one I'm looking for..yeah..

What things would matter if by any case, this will be my last time sleeping and waking up thereafter? Whoa, it's a scary thought...but this is definitely what I wanted to do now.

"Anima, please come forth." I closed my eyes and imagined her form in my heart...I felt damn drowsy right now trying to write this in the early morning while staying up all night.

"Hey pervert, what's on your mind?" as for now, her form and voice was only imaginable within my mind. She's just an imaginary figure that I created as a partner that occasionally gives me moral support at crucial times, her appearance could be linked with a pure white color...overalls in white, silver hair and eyes.

For a moment I can discern her as similar to an angel, though I never really know her that much to begin with.

"I have you on my mind many times, including now. Would you please show yourself in reality so we could meet up sometime?"

To put it simply, she's my figure of a Guardian Angel. Who gives me something that seems like a boost of power whenever I'm engrossed with things I loved, it made me able to transcend the usual thing I've done normally.

"I'm always here, High. You just rarely realized it, because you always felt that you're all alone...in fact, don't you think it's only you who's been ignoring everything else around you?"

Her sweet, enchanting voice which has been scolding me to make things right. An ethereal visage of hers, dancing within the uncountable numbers of brilliant spheres. I made a promise, that in order to meet up with her...I should do my best...

"Don't really know about that sorry...but I guess you're right."

"I'm begging you, please don't die so soon...there's so many people wishing for your welfare. And if you die, you won't be able to meet up with my counterpart in real world....definitely not at this moment."

I should do my best on finishing my current works, in order to meet up with her...so does that mean I should persist on living until then?

"You know, my life's not in my own hands. Even if I desired to live a hundred years, there's always be a chance that my lifespan would be shorter than that...though I guess when your time's friggin limited...you began to see what's truly important."

"Ahaha, I probably known you all too well since I lived inside your mind, High. So what do you want to do, in case this is your last writing?"

"Well I just want to finish this one up with some short afterword. Hopefully if fate will turn tables on my favor, we'll be meeting up soon enough from now on...I promise to do my best for you until then."

"You too, please do your best...for your happiness."

Good night, Anima. There her imagery and voice fades away into nothingness as I bid her farewell.

So what else should I add to this nonsensical writing?

Oh yeah..I realized that, those ambitions doesn't really matter when you realized that your lifespan is totally uncertain. I think that, I always wanted something that I don't have, when I saw others having so much fun and glory with their own masterful abilities. Even when in fact, I had other things that I should be proud of.

The most important thing might be lost forever as I drowned myself in this sea of desires. And as I wrote this piece I remembered the things that were most important..

Taking it easy and have fun during my days, and...yawn...having a good night sleep because I'm feeling so damn sleepy.

Oh yeah, thanks for reading, Fakku. I dedicate this piece to you all awesome people who always supported me during these past two years since my first time joining this community, I had many special moments with you folks as I recalled...thanks for having me thus far. Lastly, keep on being weird perverts as usual, Fakkuza. I give my salutations for you!

I hope we'll still have a chance to meet again in the future.

Best regards,

high_time

Am i doing spoilers right?