[Summer Contest Entry 2012] The Pulse of the Stars
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I didn't like it.
You set up this situation and these characters but I didn't really see why I should care.
The first part of the story tells the reader that two former lovers are about to fight, then the second part lets us look at a tiny slice of life they used to share together which reads like some generic high school drama. It wasn't really enough to convey the depth of the relationship. Given the word limit I don't think you have enough space to properly set up the relationship and get the reader invested in the characters.
Personally I would have just wrote a big fight scene and have all the background stuff be implied in some way. I think you broke the rule of "show don't tell." You basically just spent 1500 words telling me that these characters are in a Romeo/Juliet situation and it sucks that they are about to fight each other and that I should feel sad.
You set up this situation and these characters but I didn't really see why I should care.
The first part of the story tells the reader that two former lovers are about to fight, then the second part lets us look at a tiny slice of life they used to share together which reads like some generic high school drama. It wasn't really enough to convey the depth of the relationship. Given the word limit I don't think you have enough space to properly set up the relationship and get the reader invested in the characters.
Personally I would have just wrote a big fight scene and have all the background stuff be implied in some way. I think you broke the rule of "show don't tell." You basically just spent 1500 words telling me that these characters are in a Romeo/Juliet situation and it sucks that they are about to fight each other and that I should feel sad.
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Antw0n
Remember me?
Second_Prototype wrote...
I didn't like it. You set up this situation and these characters but I didn't really see why I should care.
The first part of the story tells the reader that two former lovers are about to fight, then the second part lets us look at a tiny slice of life they used to share together which reads like some generic high school drama. It wasn't really enough to convey the depth of the relationship. Given the word limit I don't think you have enough space to properly set up the relationship and get the reader invested in the characters.
Personally I would have just wrote a big fight scene and have all the background stuff be implied in some way. I think you broke the rule of "show don't tell." You basically just spent 1500 words telling me that these characters are in a Romeo/Juliet situation and it sucks that they are about to fight each other and that I should feel sad.
I've been waiting for the negative critique (´･ωï½¥`)
Thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind next time I try to write something.
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Antw0n wrote...
Second_Prototype wrote...
I didn't like it. You set up this situation and these characters but I didn't really see why I should care.
The first part of the story tells the reader that two former lovers are about to fight, then the second part lets us look at a tiny slice of life they used to share together which reads like some generic high school drama. It wasn't really enough to convey the depth of the relationship. Given the word limit I don't think you have enough space to properly set up the relationship and get the reader invested in the characters.
Personally I would have just wrote a big fight scene and have all the background stuff be implied in some way. I think you broke the rule of "show don't tell." You basically just spent 1500 words telling me that these characters are in a Romeo/Juliet situation and it sucks that they are about to fight each other and that I should feel sad.
I've been waiting for the negative critique (´･ωï½¥`)
The Idea of Star Crossed Lovers is given, yes, and it is the major conflict of the story. But Honestly, you could've done better in the end instead of writing a diary (though the idea is not that bad.)
Also, you had a good selection of elements (because most can relate to Gundams, mechas, and inserting fakku user names), though, I must doubt on the writing capablity.
The style, the spacing, the wording (sometimes it appeared to me as a script.)
Moreover, I didn't kinda feel the "summer" (though it's on the diary).
So, yeah.
Good Luck, Anyway.
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quite the good read indeed ! if I had to describe it I'd say it's the kind of story that makes a good Manga One-shot (Or a doujinshi in this case I guess)
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A+C for life.
Glad someone likes this shipping as much as I do,
I ended up hugging my pillow during the ending.
Amazing entry, glad somebody recommended this to me.
Glad someone likes this shipping as much as I do,
I ended up hugging my pillow during the ending.
Amazing entry, glad somebody recommended this to me.
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yurixhentai
desu
Sorry if my feedback isn't adequate, I never come to this section but I want to start to now.
Just wanted to say that I really liked your story. As has been said, while it has its comedic elements you used them well to make a warm story. And it was a combination of your favourite things, so you must have enjoyed writing it. I want to know what happens after, but that's obviously how cliffhangers work and I think it worked well. Well done.
This is going against what I said, but it would be cool to see a longer one with some more background story and plot in a thread separate from the competition and its limitations.
Just wanted to say that I really liked your story. As has been said, while it has its comedic elements you used them well to make a warm story. And it was a combination of your favourite things, so you must have enjoyed writing it. I want to know what happens after, but that's obviously how cliffhangers work and I think it worked well. Well done.
This is going against what I said, but it would be cool to see a longer one with some more background story and plot in a thread separate from the competition and its limitations.
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Hmmm...I hate to be a bit on the negative side, but while it contains by far my favorite anime franchise, I didn't like this story as much as I wanted to. Trust me, I REALLY wanted to put this story on my favorites list. Anyway, the very first thing that is bugging me is detail. Considering I am an absolute Gundam fanatic, it's a bit disappointing for you to create five Gundams, but give absolutely no description of them past their names. It's absolute torture for me, since I don't even have a mecha profile to go off of. In this case, you should have either stuck with established mecha or gone through the trouble of describing your original Gundams.
On top of that, there's also the fact that THERE IS NO FIGHTING AT ALL. I know that's part of the resolution and all, and I understand that you have a word limit, but this is also killing me that you wrote a Gundam-themed work, yet no fighting is described whatsoever. I get that this is a Romeo and Juliet situation and it's painfully obvious, but this just doesn't feel like the way to go. To be fair, my own story was somewhat structured like this one at a time, but there is a reason that I absolutely cannot stray from that structure. You, on the other hand, CAN afford to stray from this structure. It probably would have been better if the slice of life stuff was dispersed among all the fighting that should be in this story. Additionally, I felt that the exposition at the end which is what was supposed to set up the entire conflict felt extremely weak. This isn't like Romeo and Juliet where Juliet has to stand by her own family. Cecilia has the choice to join her lover and the exposition doesn't feel as if that is a substantial reason for her to stay with an obviously unjust government if not only does she not have any real stake in staying, but actually creates an unnecessary conflict. Oh, and while you did put that diary page that's not supposed to count, honestly, it's superfluous to your story anyway. Mentioning the necklace is enough to imply that they had a good time at the beach.
I think the one thing that I have not discussed in this critique is if this story has all the proper elements to it. It does have a lot of rising action here, but due to the nature of the story, it seems that you left the audience at the climax and did not have the falling action. Again, I REALLY WANT TO LIKE THIS STORY A LOT. It shows that I have a personal bias in this review, but at the same time, that is why I am being especially critical of this story compared to all the other ones I've read. In fact, I might decide to write my own little Gundam fic just for shits and giggles.
On top of that, there's also the fact that THERE IS NO FIGHTING AT ALL. I know that's part of the resolution and all, and I understand that you have a word limit, but this is also killing me that you wrote a Gundam-themed work, yet no fighting is described whatsoever. I get that this is a Romeo and Juliet situation and it's painfully obvious, but this just doesn't feel like the way to go. To be fair, my own story was somewhat structured like this one at a time, but there is a reason that I absolutely cannot stray from that structure. You, on the other hand, CAN afford to stray from this structure. It probably would have been better if the slice of life stuff was dispersed among all the fighting that should be in this story. Additionally, I felt that the exposition at the end which is what was supposed to set up the entire conflict felt extremely weak. This isn't like Romeo and Juliet where Juliet has to stand by her own family. Cecilia has the choice to join her lover and the exposition doesn't feel as if that is a substantial reason for her to stay with an obviously unjust government if not only does she not have any real stake in staying, but actually creates an unnecessary conflict. Oh, and while you did put that diary page that's not supposed to count, honestly, it's superfluous to your story anyway. Mentioning the necklace is enough to imply that they had a good time at the beach.
I think the one thing that I have not discussed in this critique is if this story has all the proper elements to it. It does have a lot of rising action here, but due to the nature of the story, it seems that you left the audience at the climax and did not have the falling action. Again, I REALLY WANT TO LIKE THIS STORY A LOT. It shows that I have a personal bias in this review, but at the same time, that is why I am being especially critical of this story compared to all the other ones I've read. In fact, I might decide to write my own little Gundam fic just for shits and giggles.
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Antw0n
Remember me?
Didn't want to before, but now I'm definitely considering writing an extended version.
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Now that I've calmed down, I will give you a little credit for the little homages to Gundam that you put in. I recognize the title as one of the Zeta Gundam movies and I can tell you like Gundam to have the balls to have your story based off a currently existing anime franchise. However, the solution to your problem is not to add an extension, but to fix what you have. Sure, an extension would be nice for the future, but for the sake of the contest, I suggest you fix this up. The idea is sound and I'm definitely rooting for this story like no other, but as it is now, it's a shadow of the greatness that it could be. This is especially why I'm so critical about this story. I KNOW it can be great. All you have to do is edit it accordingly, though you could be in for a large editing job if you REALLY want to win this contest.
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Antw0n
Remember me?
Blaze wrote...
Now that I've calmed down, I will give you a little credit for the little homages to Gundam that you put in. I recognize the title as one of the Zeta Gundam movies and I can tell you like Gundam to have the balls to have your story based off a currently existing anime franchise. However, the solution to your problem is not to add an extension, but to fix what you have. Sure, an extension would be nice for the future, but for the sake of the contest, I suggest you fix this up. The idea is sound and I'm definitely rooting for this story like no other, but as it is now, it's a shadow of the greatness that it could be. This is especially why I'm so critical about this story. I KNOW it can be great. All you have to do is edit it accordingly, though you could be in for a large editing job if you REALLY want to win this contest.I'm not changing any more for the contest entry. I've had enough of that shit.
If I win, I win. If I lose, I lose.