[Summer Contest Entry 2012] Undead - Ikebukuro incident

Undead - Ikebukuro Incident

Now that I think about it I guess that the whole thing no matter how ridiculous it became still was from start till the end only my own fault.

Yet, I guess I should say how it began.

To start with it, my name is Mifune Hideyoshi. To be honest my name written as it is, is surely something to laugh about. It can be translated as Excellently Good Luck. Considering my luck in reality I doubt in concept of name meanings unless I consider them to be some kind of irony.

That day I once again stumbled against that irony. It was 28th July. Having no better things to do I took a little stroll through the streets of Ikebukuro. When I say I had nothing better to do I mean it. It’s not like I’m unsocial, but simply other people around me irritate me a lot. It’s not like there is anything wrong with them. By a subjective eye of an observer I’m pretty sure it’s rather something wrong with me. For example: having a stroll walk through Ikebukuro nearly at the midnight is not something a normal second year should be doing.

It was 11:52PM by then. Streets around no more seem as lively during that time. Of course it doesn’t mean that it’s safer. You can often see some sort of pick pocketing or regular fight. Once You get to the †˜darker corners’ You can even see some corpse lying down if Your luck is as shitty as mine. Looking at it from that point: what did happen was not that bad or should I say †˜ at least it was more interesting’. Just once I was about to cross the next street something suddenly bumped into my rear. Even though this yet unknown object was rather soft and squishy, it hit me hard enough to make me instantly fall onto the ground.

I did hit my head a bit so once I’ve opened my eyes seconds after I thought I might be having some sort of hallucinations. Over me was lying a girl. Not just some sort of normal †˜regular’ girl. Looking at her even from ridiculous position I was in I was quite sure already that if she was a student at my school she would surely top up the †˜sexy girls ranking†˜. At the time I was shocked. Yet something quickly awoke me from that shock.

Loud and vile barking tore the air within the street. It came from the same direction from which the girl was running. I quickly tried to get up along with the girl but I realised she was unconscious. Taking a better look at her I saw that there were a bite marks over her right leg and left arm. Even if she was awake it was unlikely for her to get up. With my strength I managed to pick her up. She was not even heavy. It was my first time to have girl in my arms but… she surely seem light.

Even so I had no time to think about this sensation. Deeply from the shadows of street from which she came a pair of bloody-red eyes was glaring at me.

I thought it might be some stray dog. There were a lot of those lately.

But reality was harsh.

It was unreal.

It was unexpected.

Once what I assumed to be †˜average stray dog’ came to the light I saw a true monstrosity. Bulk of vivid flesh larger than any dog I saw till now, dripping with a dark, heavy, blood-like liquid.

The first thing which came to my mind was to run away. But with the girl on my arms. Even if she was that light. Was it possible?

My options were getting cut by every second.

The beast was closing in. Until now it had slow pace but once it was less than 20 meters away it suddenly dashed.

Instinctively I put the girl onto the ground and with some sort of genuine stupidity rushed forward. I picked up some sort of broken pipe.

I never was too much into sports. Always the idea of team-play annoyed me a lot. Yet for good while I decided to stay within kendo club. This very moment I surely was happy I decided such thing.

The beast’s speed was rather inhuman but it’s reaction time was not good. At last second I avoided it’s claws and stabbed the rusty pipe through it’s shoulder. It went deep. I was sure I killed it.

I was idiot.

Beast suddenly rammed me.

With a strength I can’t compare I was thrown away onto the street. Portion of a metal pipe remained stuck in. Thanks to that the monster didn’t rush right away to finish me off.

Still… a few centimetres long rusted pipe surely was not much help anymore.

I tried to look around for anything.

It took only a while and my eyes met something what could be useful.

In instance I ran towards a half drank bottle of vodka. Thankfully the beast with it’s wound could not catch me half-way. The moment I grabbed the bottle I turned around and threw it onto it’s head.

Somehow confused, this unbelievably ugly dog from hell got slightly stunned.

This moment of confusion was all I needed.

I reached to my pocket and took out my Zippo*. Once I threw already ignited lighter onto the monster’s head he almost instantly burst with the flames.

For a moment I kept an eye on it’s burning corpse. For a while only.

The girl still seem unconscious. Considering what happened I decided to not go to the hospital with her.

I found a good reason for that. She had horns.

At first I thought they were a cosplay . But after short examination I realised they were a real thing.

Taking Her onto my back I’ve gone to Galileo's place.

It’s not like it was his real name. Galileo was a weirdo. Blondie guy wearing a pink-heart glasses. Foreigner living illegally in the outskirts of town spending whole days browsing through his beloved Fakku.

Yet there were more things about this guy than met an eye.

For example: I was not surprised once I found him awake reading a porn doujin at 2:12AM nor I was surprised once he told me he expected me.

-You know. I never expected You to be into second circlers. - he smiled slightly once I put girl on the couch,

-What do You mean by that.

-”Of rain and hail-stones, lovers need not tell
Their sorrows. Pale the sweet lips I saw”

-I’m not in the mood! Tell me do You know what might be going on?

Galileo. I called him like that since he often said it was his name. Strange one even for a foreigner if You ask me. Yet I never confirmed that fact. Neither I did learn his surname. One thing was for sure: this man knew a lot of weird stuff. But his knowledge always seem solid. If anyone could help me maintain my sanity at that moment it was probably him… a weirdest guy I knew.

-It was from divine comedy. Second ring of hell fragment. It is design meant for those who fell for lust and demonology associates it with seemingly well know demon kind as well - saying that he made a †˜heart sign’ with his hands and smiled in his usual annoying way - Succubus.

He looked towards the girl. At that time she was in some state of agony. Even before I brought her here she was in high fever and her wounds did not seem to close.

-Though I think that Malleus Malficarum or Directorium Inquisitorum** won’t be of use today. Since she looks about to pass away.

For some reason those words struck me. The girl I’ve just met. The one I did not even speak to. Was about to die?

-Say..- I turned to Galileo -.. Is there a way to help her?

For a moment he seem surprised or even shocked soon he did burst with laughter. But after he answered.

After Galileo explained me the †˜ways of her kind’ I knew what to do. Her cute sleeping face was somehow inviting, but it put me into certain embarrassment. I knew I risked life. I put my lips on hers. They were so soft. Right after I felt something alike to being pulled into deep dark place and everything went black.

Once I awoke my head was lying on something unbelievably comfortable. I opened my eyes and saw smiling face of the girl. Now clearly healthy she was giving me a lap pillow. With a cheerful and cute voice she spoke.

-Oh! You’re awake! I’m really glad!

In my thoughts I tried to find a proper response but the girl continued.

-I’m extremely happy that someone like You decided to become my servant.

At that time… I was at loss of words.

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* Ok. Apparently not all people know this term (like my part-time assistant) I'll answer You as her: Zippo is a type of lighter which apparently was often associated with some pretty bad-ass people.
** Both of mentioned books are existing old texts treating about 'Magic and Demonology'. They were Christian made and had bulk of information about exorcisms and demonic beings extermination. Although 1st one is associated with 'Witches' and 'Witch hunting' it also treated a bit about Succubus. Mostly because back then it was common belief in church that a women are source of sin. (naaah... impossible theory ^_^ )

Well I guess I can put a little introduction since it is my very 1st post and I already put a 1500 words torture on anyone who willed to read it >_< (counting only story)


My account on fakku is new but: believe me I was here for a while. Mostly since a lot of doujins here bear some really crazy skill of artists within them and... somehow I'm associated manga creator as well (nothing really amazing.. I'm rather lazy bum if anything). In short I can learn a lot in here.

I wanted to join on Momoko contest but the concurrence was damn hard and between exams at Uni and 'ongoing projects' I found no time.

Well I am a much more speedy when it comes to writing... though I guess it's quality is not that high (despite all that editor keeps saying >_>... I can't trust her).

Still I did had my share of fun. A draft of this story had 1768 words and making it... light weight was harder than writing it...

Well nice to meet You all , and I hope we can get along ^^

PS: Anyone willing to see this story as manga? I think making panels for it might not be that hard aaand... well during the summer I might get a little bit less of sleep. Not like I'm entirely sure how much it will take and if Chiyo (my dear and only part time assistant which inking I love so much () will have spare time to help)

Hello!
The truth to be told, this story has quite a bit of clichés there, but why not, I can see it as a manga, pretty easily actually. Succubi (all the otherworldly literature and scheme), "a damsel in distress", could-be supernatural morality questions and, as well, a self-ironic and a bit foolish protagonist are not overused yet in my opinion, so if you as an artist like it and are bursting with ideas for it... Why not?
I'd be glad to read the continuation if there will be, either as a written or illustrated story. There's never too much of fantasy..

Well: most of all thanks for greetings :)


I agree that the storyline is as much canonical as cliché in quite several parts here. Yet whenever I think of 'Romance' I cannot really find a title which I wouldn't consider cliché at some points ^^; (I admit being horrible person.) but even so I like romance as a genre... well a good ones that is.

I'm really glad to hear that You want to read a continuation. In fact this story is a 'prelude' to one of chapters in my main series I'm working on. This way making it's continuation to point of crossing with main storyline would not be a problem. I think that 2 more chapters will make the deal in fact.

Still...

It means around 3000 words of my ugly writing... be prepared to face consequences ^^;

Making a manga out of it seem for me like for You: something easy to imagine (unexpectedly to be frank). So maybe I should go for that idea? Yet in my position as it is right now I should be rather asking if 100 people would buy such thing for 5€ (since a printing cost should be around 3,97€ per one If I'm correct on pages and actual prices).

Well... we shall see.

Once again thanks for reading^^. I'll check Your entry now if You agree ^^

An interesting read this was. If you're gonna make a manga out of it, I look forward to it!

Thank You oh dear Elder on Your positive comment ^^

I start to think seriously about making it into a manga. Still it's my last year of studies and ... how to describe it... it seems like Sparta.

Including three projects I already accepted to go for during the summer (by names: 'Undead', 'Bestiary of Undead' (love this one. Basically I just draw all the different heroines of my series in different poses and write about them and actual legends mentioning 'their kind'.. still it's more work than it might sound) and 'MWS: Magical Witch Saalin'(no comment... this 4 koma thingy is solely Chiyo's idea ;P)) I have no idea if I manage... Even with Chiyo's from time to time help I'm still rather newbie. ... I start to think about asking guys from studio to help buuut... let's say I can't imagine some things hot-blooded style.. also everyone in the end seem busy nowadays...

Well once again thanks to You Cinia Pacifica. I'm really happy to see a Fakku's 'high figure' comment over my work ^^

Hope to be of some aid in future ^^

You're welcome I suppose. And I may have taken too long to bring this up but... why haven't you fixed the typo on the title on your thread, yet?

Oh my... I thought I did it already and then forgot about it >_<. Thank You once more for reminding me. I tend to be rather chaotic lately...

Impressive art, though I can tell you have a bit of ways to go on that. However, this review is for your story, not your art.

Good: The subject material is interesting and while a normal protagonist saving a damsel in distress is not new, you did a great job making me interested in it. The fight scene, in particular, was impressively well done and was logical to me, although there is a slight suspension of disbelief, but only slight.

Bad: While I understand that you may want to make a manga out of this, the fact is that this is supposed to be a proper story, so there are major issues with your grammar and story structure as a result. For example, I notice that your sentences are a bit too fragmented and in some cases, you could combine certain fragments to make them proper sentences. Additionally, you need to work on how to write dialogue. I had an issue at times with who was saying what. On another note, you did not explain why certain words, such as you, were capitalized unnecessarily. Also, I felt that the story was not quite resolved and on the whole, this felt like the first chapter to a manga than a story that can stand on its own.

I would suggest that, next time you write, you make sure you are writing according to the medium you are writing to. The dialogue is not an issue if this was a manga, but again, this is a short story and should be written as such.

Review #20

The Good: You know, as a light novel, it has it's own charm. It has a feel that flows a really well, but I can't explain it that well. It has a decent story that, at first feels like a zombie apocalypse (not sure why), but then turns into its own world somehow.

On the good side, you did integrate a Japanese-related world with English speakers quite well. It felt like a traditional English story based in a foriegn country.

Grammer: Decent, a few mistakes here and there.

The OK: The ending was very unresolved. For a short story, this doesn't really work. I assume you did this as the beginning to a much larger story simply because there's a large amount of information being tossed at us, but very little time to process it.

The Bad: The ending... Also the story was a little muddled up since you seem to jump into tangents at the flip of a hat. There's bite sized passages that turn into seemingly unrelated passages also. That's the gist of my issues with this.