[Summer Contest Entry 2012] Unexpected Reactions

Unexpected Reactions...

“H-Hey! How'd you get on there?!” he went scrambling to take the mouse from her.

“Oh relax! It was easy to get through your password,” she grinned maniacally, brushing him aside with a shove, “Now to check that Recent History...”

What?! I haven't erased that yet! His mind raced back to his previous actions on the internet before his girlfriend, Clare, had arrived to hang out that hot summer evening. He remembered typing up the conclusion to an essay he'd been working on. That had taken a lot out of him and his mind was strained, he thought maybe he should relieve some stress so he went on to...Oh no.

He rushed once more for the mouse, his heart racing. If she found out what he had been looking at before, their relationship might terminate completely! But just before his hand touched down on the mouse pad, she reflexively grasped his pinky finger and pulled back on it. His face contorted in pain and a yelp escaped him before he was on the ground, cringing as she applied more pressure on his digit and he began to plead desperately for her to let it go.

Clare smirked, victory written all over her face, “You need to relax. I'm sure there's nothing here that you're trying to keep from me. Is there, Henry?”

“N-n-no! Ofcourse not, but you're seriously crushing my finger!” he stammered pathetically.

“Really? Hold on! What's this?” her sardonic expression stopped almost instantly as she ran the mouse over a link that brought up a full webpage into view. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes widened shock.

At this point, Henry had finally freed his now swollen pinky as he scurried to get up on his feet, “Listen, this...isn't what it looks like!”

She turned her head very slowly toward him, her brilliant blue eyes shimmering with teardrops as she whispered quietly under her breath, “...Fak...ku...?”

“Yes, Fakku, let me explain,” he took in a large gulp of air before continuing exhaustively, “It's this really great website, it has a great community and has great images and doujinshi, er comics I guess, and it helps me just blow off some steam, ya know, and...and...w-will you please stop staring at me like that?”

A moment of silence hung in the air as her puppy-dog eyes pierced through him like a stake to the heart. He eyed her nervously, not knowing anything to say to clear up the situation any better. But in a sudden flurry of excitement, she grinned happily and jumped upon him, throwing him off balance and knocking him to the floor, again. Even with her being almost a foot shorter then him, her momentum had almost crushed the last remaining air out of him. She kissed him intensely, her lips smothering his in powerful affection, and he took in the seconds of warmth from her lips.

She broke the embrace by sitting up slightly, her entire body sprawled a top him as her curly red hair hung loosely over her beautiful face. Tears that Henry could only guess were of happiness were running down her cheeks as she giggled at his confused and worried face, “You big dummy. Fakku is one of my favorite sites! I can't believe you go on it too!” She leaned down next to his ear and murmured softly, “I think this calls for a reward...”

Her hand had already begun to trace it's way down his chest and was toying around his upper thigh as he sputtered in nervousness, “W-we've never done this s-sort of thing before, hun!”

Clare winked at him, “Just imagine it's an amazing doujinshi.”

“I-I guess if you were in it, it would be, Clare,” he smiled and brushed her hair back, relaxing for only a moment before her hand dove into his shorts. Her cold but gentle hands glided across the shaft of his already stiffened member, grazing the tip with her fingernail and then running her fingers back down until they gripped around the ever-extending pole. Henry's head swam with desire and he pulled her into another passionate kiss, this time just lightly running his tongue across her lips. She opened her mouth slightly to invite it in and he dove his tongue deeper inside until it found hers, weaving themselves together in an alluring dance.

With a furious roll, Henry gained the higher ground as Clare continued to straddle him from below, her hand removed from his trousers and her other running through his dark shaggy brown hair. With both his hands free, Henry ran his hands down her sides which sent goosebumps scattering all over her body. She squirmed in excitement as he reached the bottom of her tank top and pulled up, revealing her voluptuous breasts bouncing happily to be free. Her puckered nipples stood on end, and Henry ran a hand softly over one boob while cupping the other and leaned down to run his tongue gently across it. She softly moaned with pleasure as the feeling electrified her, and she brought her hips up to grind lightly against his.

Henry almost lost it a few times, the pressing of her body along his was more than overcoming his libido and he stifled himself from nearly exploding. He tried to take his mind off it as he moved further down her stomach, licking across her smooth belly. Clare unexpectedly grabbed hold of his collar and pulled him up close to her face.

“I want you..inside...right now,” she purred between gasps of breath. He smirked and moved swiftly down to remove her belt buckle. She was already forcing them down her hips before he undid the last button on her short shorts, and they slipped away, revealing an underwear-less lower body. Her sexy shaved pussy dripped in excitement as Henry moved closer and breathed against it.

He cocked an eyebrow at her, “What, no panties? Were you already planning something?”

Clare blushed but grinned back, “Maybe!” and she winked adorably at him.

“Well I didn't wear a belt, so it makes this easy,” and he quickly yanked his pants down to his knees effortlessly.

He returned to his position in front of her, his inflamed penis brushing ever so slightly against her skin, making both teens a shower of goosebumps. Clare lay on her back, hastily awaiting his entry as Henry lined up to move in-.

There was a loud bang and the door flew open as Henry's roommate Alan stood yawning in the doorway. He sluggishly moved into the room, dropping his bookbag to the floor as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, “Man, you can't imagine the amount of sleep I shouldn't be getting during college classes, but honestly they just seem to be getting more and more boring! I mean-.”

There was a pause. Alan had finally opened his eyes and looked down at the couple on the floor, bare naked and blushing scarlet red.

“...Oh....OH! Well, um...,” Alan rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment and took a few seconds to think of what to do. After a bit, he finally just shrugged and chuckled, “W-well I guess since we've gotten this far, I might as well just..jump on in! Let me ju-.” A shoe hurtled into his face, shutting him up from finishing his sentence.

Henry had the second shoe already in his hand as he spat angrily, “GET THE HELL OUT, ALAN!”


The End

Author's note:
Sorry the format is kinda bad. Tried my best. Thanks for reading, everyone! Hope everyone enjoys! Just want to see how far I can make it! Thanks again.

Ha, that was a very amusing story with a hilarious end. You did a very good job with your description. I can almost see the scenes painted out in my mind. Just here to say well done and that your format is just fine, it at least makes grammatical sense.

Thanks so much!! I'll definitely try to find the time to read your entry, it looks very interesting!

This was just hilarious. And I had my own set of goosebumps all over my body!

Wow! Thanks! Seriously I appreciate it! It was just for fun and partially for my girlfriend (lol) so knowing it made people laugh and feel good makes story all the more worth writing!!

I really appreciate your reactions to the story, especially from a judge and a 2nd Place Winner :) It was my first time writing anything for a contest so Im glad I got positive feedback, even if I didnt make a mention. But just wanted to say thanks! Xenon, your work was spectacular! And I'll make a story someday, you'll see, mark my words ha ha ha! lol
Anyways anyways, may everyone keep on writing!

You might wanna ask the judges for their words. ;)

Tsuyoshiro really liked your piece. Hell, this was one of the "honorable mention" material but we found VGuy's entry to be a bit more worthy of mentioning.


Review #4:

Comments:

- It's another one of those stories that are typical, predictable and has aspects to them that are cliched, frankly. Though it did really well with the themes. Major props for doing it really properly.

- There isn't much to say. It's flows smooth and simple and is an enjoyable read. Not description heavy, but doesn't actually seem to lack descriptions in some parts, either.

- The attempts made to make most of it comical and hilarious are in my opinion; successful, especially the ending. I think endings are important, it's good to make endings that are really hilarious when the story as a whole has an overall comical element to it.

- Unfortunately, this story hasn't managed to leave a long lasting impression on me. However, it has left an impression, which at least allows me to remember the gist of this tale for quite a long time, at least. And that is the proof of how good it is even though it has it's issues. Try to write something more unique with... clever use of deception, perhaps.

- One thing that I don't like here is that it's too typical, predictable and cliched at one point... like when I read that Clare is a pervert too, who goes to Fakku as well. While it's funny how the guy is dumbfounded by this fact, it's what gives me the goosebumps and I'm like "Not this again... " but it builds up for that moment quite well.

- Barely any points for originality, unfortunately. Nor can I vouch much for the plot. Sorry.



If you want the grades, I can send that to you via PM.

First off, thank you!
Yeah it's true, I went with quite an original idea. And the goal of originality is to make it stand out so that the reader remembers it, even if it is something that's been used over and over and over. And I agree, I didn't make it too flashy. It's unfortunate that in this dane age we must continue to strive for new and better things when practically everything we do is based off of something already done. *sigh* it's just a lot of work, which is exactly why I should not have won this, because those that did win you can tell worked very hard on it (or completely new ideas come very easy to them).
Haha yeah sorry for giving you those goosebumps then. I suppose I figured it a turn on for people to find out someone is just as kinky as yourself, it sort of removes a lot of nervous tension between couples. But yes, it should be obvious that it's not uncommon for women and men to think perverted things.
Spot on review!! Appreciate it very much and all the critiques and suggestions go with me towards experience and will help me on my story im writing. I hope if I ever run into an editor, that they will be just like you. To the point, stating the facts, yet still have a care towards the emotional feel and ideas behind it.
*Removes top hat and bows graciously* May all good things come your way. And let's see who'll be the next to make a book! XD! Thanks so much again!

May I know how it's an original idea when my final comment implied that it isn't? I think it's very unoriginal because of how it's a story in which you can guess how it goes. While being able to relate to something is a good thing. However, when you already know the whole thing; that's where you find the true flaw. It isn't interesting anymore; it may just be a waste of time. The message it may be trying to relay could just be something overheard and hence people might just drop-out halfway. Try to keep your audience entertained. But what I'm talking about now is not your entry, but even more of a typical tale that is badly done; yours is nicely and so it's incomparable to the typical works done in an unwell writing. Regarding your statement about description heavy... well, this may just be me - but I find comical works that are description heavy in writing might make for poor comical parts or moments.

Was it really that spot on, though? In my opinion, I think I just stated some basic facts. I'm not very good at the reviewing business yet, sorry! But I'm hoping that those who receives them at least values them. You seem to do that, which is a good thing.

If you ever need my help in the future regarding your writing projects. Don't hesitate to call me out for a helping hand or something! I'd be more than happy to help out... I have no life after all, I'm always in the internet... >_>