[Summer Contest Entry 2015] Adolescence

Perfection—if there had been a word to describe the scene, that one would have been what the boy chose. A solar light purified the area, enshrouding the coast in its warmth. Blue waves repetitiously bathed the shore, cleansing the beach. The sounds of water rushing against rocks came and went. Light mist from a wave sprayed Kenji’s face, calling him back to reality from his nostalgic euphoria. He stood on a rock at the edge of the beach, just as he had in years past.

“Hey, Kenji. Why do you always come to this spot?” A girl called to Kenji from behind, eventually growing bored from his passive stupor. He turned his head to see her, leaning against the cliffside and arms crossed. The white handle of the lollipop in her mouth rose and dipped as she manipulated the candy with her tongue. The boy barely gave it much thought before responding.

“Simple, Airi. Because this is the best spot on the beach, that’s why,” he said so matter-of-factly it almost sounded pompous. Airi rolled her eyes before something else caught her attention. A wave disturbed something in the sand and caused it to stir, collapsing the sand as it unearthed itself. A large crab skittered out and sidestepped its way in front of Airi, passing her surprisingly quickly. She crunched the lollipop on reflex and the tip flicked up as her attention was piqued. The rest of the lollipop dropped out of her mouth as she saw the crab travel into a cliffside cave.

“Kenji! A huge crab just went into the cave. Wanna see?” Airi took off after it almost immediately.

“Absolutely!” Kenji exclaimed as he hopped off the rock and followed his equally excited friend. Airi followed it as it crawled into a dark corner of the cave behind some big stones. The light from the entrance wasn’t enough to reveal just where it had hidden, though she tried to squint her eyes and find it. “Where did it go?”

“I think it squeezed into a hole in the wall. It’s gone.” Airi sounded disappointed and Kenji did too but he began to hear mysterious sounds getting close. She kept looking but to no avail. “I don’t—,” her sentence abruptly ended as a hand covered her mouth forcefully, initially scaring her. She tilted her head to see Kenji holding a finger up to his lips, looking from her to something behind the large stone they were behind. She slowly pulled his hand down and moved to see what he could.

Two people had entered the cave, a boy and a girl. Kenji and Airi’s eyes dilated after looking at the entrance; the light only provided the boy and girl’s silhouettes. “Are you sure no one’s gonna come?” The girl spoke in a mousy tone.

“Trust me, no one but you and me,” the boy cleverly responded confidently as he raised one of her legs and pinned her against the rocky wall near the entrance. He fidgeted at his waistband and moved the girl’s swimsuit bottoms aside, then pressed himself into her. She gasped as her arms wrapped around his neck and shoulders. The boy thrust his hips and grunted as she moaned; the lewd sounds of their act filled the cave.

Kenji could feel the sweat drip down his forehead and temple as Airi’s face blushed an intense shade. Neither had ever witnessed or experienced something like this, aside from the small things mentioned in health class. Fortunately the corner they were trapped in was dark enough to hide them but unfortunately at the same time the shameless pair was blocking the only exit. Kenji and Airi felt as if they had little choice but to remain silent.

The boy continued his sexual attack on the girl, yanking the bikini top stings loose and revealing her moderately developed breasts. He cupped one and orally assaulted the other, causing the girl to let out all sorts of meek and squeaky sounds. Airi grasped her own breasts on reflex, unable to keep looking and leaned back against the cavern wall. Kenji swallowed the spit that had gathered in his throat and felt tension against his swimming trunks. The situation made him hot and awkwardly uneasy, yet he could feel the stimulus of witnessing such a sight. He turned his head to see what had become of Airi. She looked like she was suffering from a fever, her legs locked together and a hand pressed at the center of her throbbing chest.

Kenji moved closer to Airi genuinely out of concern for her, his lips mouthing a request if she was alright. She grabbed the hand he outstretched and gripped it tightly, pulling him closer so that his face was inches from hers and kissed him. She felt years of the schoolgirl love she hid and bottled up overflow and pour forth. It happened so fast, Kenji couldn’t properly process what was happening but inevitably fell into the intoxication of the moment. His body sunk into hers as the kiss deepened, wet from gathered saliva and their lips burning as if on fire. He tasted artificial cherry—the flavor of the lollipop she had earlier.

If Kenji had been honest, he would have admitted to hiding a crush he had on Airi, but he was afraid she had only succumbed to the sexual tension of the situation they had found themselves in. Nonetheless, he didn’t say a word and instead buried himself in this point in time. She moved his hand to her chest, allowing him to grasp with her encouragement. They finally separated their lips in desperation for air, feeling what they imagined it must have been like to be drunk or on some mind-altering drug. However, as the affects began to waver, the two realized that the only sounds in the cave were them panting in addition to the waves outside. They took a moment to listen and then looked passed the boulder only to find the couple from before missing.

After gathering themselves as the awkwardness between them slowly dissipated, they agreed to return to the main beach where their class would be. They arrived just in time for a snack before everyone was to board buses back to town. As they were traveling back with the class, two friends of theirs caught up with them. “Hey, Airi! Did you have a good time? Souta taught me how to swim a bit.”

“Yeah, plus Yui and I found this neat cave separate from the main beach. It was a great spot for—” Souta was cut off as Yui covered his mouth with her hands.

“Exploring!” Yui said loudly over whatever Souta could mumble between her fingers. Airi and Kenji stared at the two in utter disbelief. They had made the official realization that this boy and girl’s voices seemed oddly fresh in their minds. Yui and Souta gave them innocent smiles, mistaking their looks of incredulity for simple suspiciousness. Airi and Kenji looked towards each other and had a subtle and quick agreement.

“That sounds great, hope you two had fun. We just sort of hung around the spots I remembered from years ago,” Kenji said scratching his head in as little a discomfited manner as he could manage.

“Yeah, though we got to see a big crab! Or at least I did before it got away from us.” The anxiety between the four of them became a bit more tolerable as they entered the bus together. Naturally, Souta and Yui sat together as they were open as a couple. Kenji and Airi sat together as well, but they had been simple friends for years, despite the questioning of their friends.

As the bus started up and filled with the chatter of a normal high school class, Kenji and Airi were unsurprisingly quiet. Kenji leaned his head against the window and sighed. “I really can’t wait to come back again next year. I really like this place.” Just then, he felt a hand press sheepishly onto his. His head naturally darted towards Airi next to him, though she couldn’t look him in the eyes. Her cheeks turned beet red as she spoke softly.

“You know, we don’t have to wait until next year to…you know. If it’s with you then…I would like it.” Kenji’s mouth parted in awe at first, but a warm look of adoration crept its way onto his face.

“Then it’s a promise,” Kenji responded equally as quiet as Airi, then held her hand back, intertwining their fingers. Airi’s eyes shifted embarrassingly towards Kenji as he rested his head against the window and exhaled calmly. The corners of her lips tilted upwards as she beamed. The rest of the trip between them was quiet, yet serene—that was the word the girl would have chosen.

---

A/N: 1,475 words including the title.

Decided to write a more erotic entry this time around. Took me about half a month to passively conceptualize, but the real progress came in just writing it all out over an evening, set it aside for a day or so to re-read a couple times and make some adjustments.

Best of luck to all other contestants.

I find it more poignant than erotic. As far as entries go, this one has the best summer-feeling yet. I don't know why, but I was actually hoping that the crab will have its comeback near the end of the story.

This is a refreshing read, Xenon.

It's a really cute and innocent story. I really like the manner in which you described the way Kenji and Airi were feeling especially in the transition from a friendly crab hunting atmosphere to a romantic one.

Like Chronus, I felt that this was a very refreshing read. Good job!

Goodness gracious, heaven help me... This was a very endearing read. Nothing feels more genuine than young love, and you did a spectacular job with portraying it, Xen. This was perhaps the most enjoyable submission I've read so far. Phenomenal work, Xen. Like everyone else, this was very refreshing.

On a different note, I think I caught some errors, but I shall say no more!

Even given the circumstances of it being dark and focusing on trying to hide and stuff, I find it difficult to believe that Kenji and Airi didn't recognize Shouta and Yui at all until they met up to go home.

This reminded me of my favourite kind of romance manga! SHOUJO MANGA~ so much love romance and youth exploring. I dunno but I think the Japanese works really well too, maybe because they tend to be more shy, than your usual American teenager when it comes to sexually things. I could really imagine the summer and the beach and the two in the cave.
Though I feel it a bit weird that the couple having sex in the cave ended up being kenji and airi's classmates or school mates. it kind of ruined the innocence and youth for me? Without knowing how old they were they went from somewhere middle school to end high school - start college.

but otherwise enjoyable read!

oh man the story ruined my expectations and especially my innocence. the opening passages kinda gave the vibe of Makoto Shinkai's picturesque landscape thing and i thought it'd be some bits of platonic love, until some stuff happened :)))

on a side note though, i found the descriptions easy enough to follow. its a bit reminiscent of light novel things. and coming from someone who had a hard time with descriptive writing, i think it's really well done in terms of explaining what's going to happen. that, without having to remove all the details in which would ignite vivid imagery.

anyway, about the story. im familiar with this kind of stuff, so i can appreciate it well. a bit of h-doujin kind of story, little bit has been told, but enough to make an impact on me. this has the potential to be a nice doujin story.

well anyways, i say well done :D /

So, Xenon, is it strange that I imagined Kenji from Katawa Shoujo when I was reading this?

Not weird, you can imagine him physically if you want, though this Kenji isn't a paranoid schizophrenic hell bent on collapsing Feminism.

Although, Kenji from School Rumble might be a little sad you chose that other Kenji over him.

I did, because he is the Kenji who should absolutely never win over a girl. I chose Katawa's Kenji simply because I remembered that you played it while reading this lol.

These sentences are a little too purple for my personal tastes, although they do set the mood. From the first paragraph in general, I get the feeling that this is going to be an innocent story, or as innocent as possible for a story that involves getting turned on by watching two friends fuck.



Several things about this. First, what does she mean by him always coming to that spot when in the previous paragraph, you mention that he hasn't been there in years? It makes it sound like he goes there all the time.

Second, I have an idea of your personal preferences by now, but I still can't help but point out that here you don't use Airi's name despite the fact that this story is written in omniscient.

Third, a in 'A girl . . .' should be lower case. You don't capitalize words you wouldn't otherwise capitalize following dialogue that ends with a question mark.

Fourth, good ol' show don't tell. You tell me that Airi eventually grows bored, but what does she do when she grows bored? However, you do mention after that that she has a lollipop and is manipulating it with her tongue, but if that's what she does when she's bored, why bother telling me that she's bored and then show that she's bored?



I don't know what it is, but there's something about the 'Simple, Airi' part that sounds fake. Almost as if the author was looking for a way to squeeze her name in.



You'll have ask Logo or someone else who really knows their grammar, but I think 'collapsing the sand . . .' actually modifies the wave in this structure, which obviously isn't what you were going for.



At this point, I'm wondering just how big the crab is and how Kenji missed it. Last we heard, he was looking at her, and I imagine the crab coming up right in front of her. I guess I'm confused on where everything is physically laid out on the beach. I'm not sure where the cave is either.



I believe that comma should be deleted.



If I did this, I'd split it up into two sentences because it can be bit awkward to have big strings attached to dialogue though it isn't too bad here. Also, I feel that the action that follows the dialogue is important enough that it deserves it's own sentence.

It's my personal opinion that a good sex scene is just like a good fight scene in that you want to give enough details to paint a picture in the reader's head, but you don't want to do too much because then it gets boring to read. I think you do a pretty good job here accept for one thing.



This sentence kinda makes it sound like her arms have a will of their own.

Also, Shouta forces himself on Yui, but if they entered the cave so they wouldn't get spotted, why did they stop at the entrance? Why not head further back? Aside from the fact that if they were to go too far, they'd bump into Kenji and Airi.



This is really awkward for me to read.



This makes it sound as if they're already on the bus heading back to the school whereas this sentence



reveals that they're just now boarding the bus.

Nice bookends for this story, with how it starts with a word Kenji would use and ends with a word Airi would use.

As I said before in my initial post, I feel as if Kenji and Airi should have recognized Yui and Shouta. They all seem to be pretty close friends.

In retrospect, it's really obvious that trolly crab is an excuse to get them in the cave so they can peep on their friends.

It's never written that he hasn't been there in years. It's written that "He stood on a rock at the edge of the beach, just as he had in years past." That could very well mean every year, and is actually enforced by one of the last sentences where he says "I really can’t wait to come back again next year." Clearly the school finds going to a beach within their low budget for summer trips.



Yes, I write them in descriptively before I write in their names in this instance. I did the same with Kenji, ". . .that one would have been what the boy chose." This is because names are all well and good but if a reader doesn't know that Airi is a girl's name, and beyond that, that it is assigned to a girl as well, I would like that to be made clear what a subject is before a name is assigned, but as you said, that is my personal preference.



Not even if I intend it to be the beginning of a new sentence? I don't intend that sentence to carry on after the quotation, that was truthfully my intent.



Personal preference, I feel words convey in that instant rather than the action of the inaction of boredom. I felt it was enough to justify not only her current archetype as the tag-along to Kenji's reminiscence, but also perhaps to reinforce an image of her that a lollipop helps craft, which is childish innocence, and playfulness to an extent.



Although it does serve as an opportunity to introduce her name, I think it's quite a normal thing to do to use a friends name on occasion when addressing them. Nice try, though, but your agenda of beginning narration with names already set won't sway me, at least it's too late for this story.



You may be correct here, I had some frustrations with this sentence in this regard, including the repetitious use of "sand" that I couldn't avoid at the time.



I guess I only can suggest to utilize your imagination for those small details, as they tend to be too small to address with a low word limit, but if she saw it and he didn't, you're right in assuming that she was seeing something that he wasn't, and the most likely explanation for this is that she is behind him. If you want to know the crab's size, I think it's pretty important that you understand that it's a Kenyan Mangrove crab, also known as a cave demon. It has massive claws that can rip a tank apart. Kenji and Airi were lucky to have left that cave alive without a fatal Crab Battle.



You might be right here, I'm not used to thinking of the em dash as a punctuation mark that could replace a comma and end a quotation.



I agree with what you say here comparing a sex and fight scene. I think if I had to explain why they were attached, I'd say that I didn't separate the first sentence because I wanted to have them relevant to each other to attach the fact that his remark was intended to be a double entendre, though this is subtle. It might very well still show this effect and be more clear with them separated.

As for her arms having a will of their own, our bodies acting on reflex due to stimulation can be argued to have a very similar effect. It may just sound better with "and" instead of "as" in that instance, though. That's a consideration.

Also, an easy explanation for why they didn't go further in is because it's quite dark, that area of the beach was deserted until they got there regardless since I never addressed the presence of anyone else in the area aside from Kenji and Airi since the beginning, and Kenji and Airi were already there, obviously. They're considerate friends.



It sounds fairly normal to me as I read it aloud. Can you elaborate?



This is because you assume that the words "traveling back with the class" means traveling by vehicle home alongside the rest of the class, but if you read the words as if they mean "traveling by walking back to the main beach in order to be alongside ("with") the rest of the class," then that assumption doesn't hinder your comprehension. I think the previous sentence "They arrived just in time for a snack before everyone was to board buses back to town." helps solidify that they had yet to board the buses. Apologies if this could have been made more clear.



Thanks, I was particularly happy the bookends served the story well. It starts off with Kenji as the focal character, but I didn't want to write in first person and also to reinforce their equality of importance in the story. I was very pleased that they helped in this regard, in my eyes anyway.

I will admit that you're right, it's quite a stretch for them not to recognize them, especially when speech is used. This unfortunately was a result when I made a drastic change in the plot. Originally, Kenji and Airi were going to be playing around a small town the school had sent them to on a trip. They were to play around in the back alleys and find their way behind a bar, then a grown man and woman were to bust out of the back door, trapping Kenji and Airi like how it was here, and then just go at it with each other. It may have served the concept better of forcing images of growing up and leaving adolescence behind on their innocent minds, but I couldn't justify why a school would allow a class to run around a town, in dirty areas and red-light districts, without supervision. A normal beach was just nicer to write about description-wise anyway, but I guess you can see how the plot might suffer from that shift.

I still wanted the erotic parts in as a symbol of one of the greatest drives that progress one away from adolescence, but I guess a substitution of classmates was less than ideal. I remember a conversation I had with a friend in middle school who was telling me they were doing sexual stuff with their significant other at the time and remember being really weirded out about it, especially after learning in health class about all those icky diseases you get from doing it. I suppose I was writing a bit from personal experience there.

Something about a scary topic that's a symbol of growing up forced onto individuals going through puberty, I guess that was the main inspiration behind this piece. Even though the images were forced, they still wanted to progress at their own pace, and I guess that's one of the things I liked most about my piece this time around.

Thank you for the commentary, I really do appreciate it. Although I can defend some points, the very fact that I have to defend some of them reminds me that I still need to improve certain areas to keep it in high quality in order for it to be as appealing as possible, eliminating areas of confusion wherever I can. So thank you very much for that. I'll comment on yours shortly.

I see that now.



Read it as part of the same sentence as the dialogue, but I guess it is a complete sentence on its own.



In my experience, names are really only used for two reasons: in greetings and getting someone's attention. They've already been in each others company for some time now so they've already greeted each other, and Kenji already has her attention. For me, it really does sound off.



I can readjust my mental image to better match the scene as it plays out. The problem is that I have to. It trips people up and makes their reading experience slightly less enjoyable.

Low word limit sucks, but I don't think it's a good enough excuse. Of course, proper or not, I've done it too.



You have Phantom Pain?



Afraid not. It just is.



I took "They arrived . . ." to mean they had made it back to the buses. If you read the next sentence with that in mind, then traveling back with the class has to mean they're going back home on the buses.



I agree on that. The only way I could see you spinning it is if the town has some kind of historical significance and Kenji and Airi ditch the class and go to a section of town they aren't supposed to?



One way you could have solved it is just not make them friends with Kenji and Airi.



That sounds so much better than the reasoning behind my entry . . .

At least the crab is there for a reason. It's not like you threw it in just because you like crabs or something. I think.

Been keeping my eye on it, stealth action is my favorite genre, but between that, the new Hitman, the new Deus Ex, the new Assassin's Creed, there's a lot of choices to be made. Since it's so open world, I'm afraid I won't have enough time for it. After a good deal, pretty likely.

As far as stealth goes, I'm most excited for Dishonored 2, but we don't even know when that's coming out yet. I'm interested in Hitman, but I don't know if I'll get it at launch.

Probably the greatest stealth assassination game to have been produced in the last decade. Thief 4 was pretty great too, but most fans are in agreement that it's the top dog of modern stealth-action. Sequel won't be here for a while, but shall we gather for whiskey and cigars on release?

I don't drink. Or smoke . . .

It's been a while since you've played, I imagine.

Let’s get some minor things out first:



Stings -> strings



Affects -> effects

Simple typos and I had to reread to even notice. The errors aren’t numerous enough or significant enough to make an impact on my judgement of your story, but you gotta be careful Xenon! Reread it several times over and run it through Google docs or something. Their word logic check is pretty good considering the business that they are in.

It’s pretty hard to actually pin down any glaring flaws. My biggest, general critique of your work is that it doesn’t have that much of a climax. The story overall is very mild, even with the spicy couple feeling up each other. I think the †˜mildness’ has to do with how the climax where Airi and Kenji kiss tapers off. The scene (note, not the actual kissing), ends abruptly with the two of them awkwardly staring standing around, and then the story cuts to the two of them at the bus.

I think that you had a really good chance to flesh that scene out right after the kiss. Are their faces burning red? Are they trying to hold hands, but can’t figure out how? Do they stammer together as they try to break the silence? Does Airi go tsun and yell at Kenji to better not tell anyone? I feel like that time from after they kiss up until they reach the bus is critical and provides a great opportunity that is not available elsewhere in the story to really bring the emotions of the characters out.

I also want to point out that Kenji never really says why he likes that spot on the beach. The narrative does a great job describing the majestic spot, but I felt like it was important that Kenji felt †˜nostalgia’ while standing there. Readers are left wondering what is why this place is so important that he drags Airi along, seemingly without explanation. If he told her passionately how this place gave a view like none other, then I’d have been okay. However he tells her it's the best place on the beach very offhandedly. I mean, he brought her here right? Did she just tag along and not ask where they were going and why?

Continuing on my previous point about that overlook on the beach, I also felt like not closing with it was a missed opportunity. Like d was saying, I also really like the fact that you open and close the story with singular words that Airi and Kenji choose to describe the moment. I’m a little sad that you didn’t go full circle and have the story close, or at least mention, that the place was reborn anew for the both of them. A special place for Airi, and a new memory for Kenji.

Really though, I didn’t mean for any of that to come out harsh. The story was incredibly sweet and with what little dialogue you have and the interactions between the two, you manage to really bring out budding, curious innocence between the two of them. Kenji and Airi are pretty damn adorable together, and I’m about 99% sure that you had intended for it to be that way. Your descriptions are impeccable, and that bit of lemon was pretty steamy for a mere couple paragraphs. I enjoyed it Xenon, and you definitely deserved 1st place. Congratulations once again!

Beautiful catches, xnine. I think Rise already pointed out strings privately to me, but it's good to see and make them known here as well. I love when others find faults within my writing that I believe to be flawless. Not only does it remind me that my writing is mortal, but that even though I may have checked it over more times than I have fingers, there are still things that slip through that need fixing. Thank you.



All legitimate concerns, clearly you wanted to see more immediate addressing as to what on Earth happened between the two after such a passionately heated exchange. I don't blame you, I think I could make use of commenting on it in more depth in a longer version, but it's generally less important with the oncoming scenes and I deemed it less crucial and not really worth going much further into depth than the fact of the matter that the two found it awkward and had to slowly move on, not even sure how to properly analyze it by themselves, let alone between each other.

I think reading your commentary is quite interesting to me anyway, as it helps me understand how you as a reader are comprehending the story progression as it goes along. I think the most interesting matter is that you call attention to what you call the climax of the story, that being the sexual display and exchange. That scene certainly is very climaxing, in more ways than one, but I wonder if your dissatisfaction is because you see that scene as the only climax within the story. If it is, and if it only has one, I can see why you would be dissatisfied. To me, however, the more important climax is not that scene, but when Airi bites the bullet and admits to Kenji her feelings and allowance of him, and him reciprocating and accepting her, their prior awkward exchange becoming justified and mutual.

Sometimes real life is like that, isn't it? We may just live in the moment and it's only until later, much later after the fact, do we get a chance to analyze and reflect on something that we didn't have time to properly address when it happened. Even worse, sometimes we never get that chance to go back and give that person who insulted us the proper retort they deserved that we thought up a week later, or that person who told us we were cute when we were 6 and we awkwardly didn't know how to respond so we told them to get lost. Ah, I'm letting things out only my therapist should have to deal with. Anyway, I think you know what I mean. I'm just glad that Kenji and Airi got their chance to work it out and find mutual love in the end.



I was going to be obnoxious and tell you that the reason he likes it is because it's the best spot on the beach, but you beat me to it. Anyway, I think you have your answer, but you wanted an explicit response from Kenji even though the response he gave showed him to have a kind of childish favoritism for the spot. Kids tend to do that a lot, claim certain colors or superheroes to be the "best" with little explanation to satisfactorily say why it is so. Asides from that, Airi didn't have to have a reason to follow him there. She liked him anyway, so she wanted to spend time with him, and even if she was just a friend, kids follow each other around when they walk aimlessly all the time. He just wanted to satisfy his nostalgia for the picturesque properties of the spot that I attempted to describe, but it's not important to me that he tell her those reasons, it's important that you, the reader, understand those reasons, and it seems like you got the gist of it.



I think I didn't feel it was necessary to close with the scene because the characters who are more important to the story had to leave it. The place is important to the story and critical to advancing the plot between Kenji and Airi's love blossoming, but the story isn't about the beach, it's about their love, so that's why I closed with them being the focus. You make a fine point at the end though that it does create a new memory for Kenji and provide Airi with a reason to think the place on the beach is the best spot as well after that, even if her innocence melted away there. You know what I would have added if I had more room and didn't take the story as seriously? The crab would have returned and boarded the bus, to continue watching the two, being a silent perverted voyeur to their scandalous relations.



No worries at all. I enjoy talking about it and providing the reasons for my choices in literary development and preference for others to understand and possibly learn something from about the way I write and plan plot. I normally would have just thanked you for your words and called it a day, but I felt that there were some things I could bring up that might provide insight about the characters or how I chose to write them, or perhaps even introduce perspectives that you may have been unaware of. Normally I do find it pretty lame if a writer has to defend their work, that would have been the reason I would have chosen not to address your points but hope it didn't come out as petty here.

Once again, thank you for your kind words and I'm glad that you enjoyed most of it. I recognize the story can be pretty mild as a simple school romance slice-of-life, but I did enjoy writing it and am glad that even if it was mild that it still was interesting and got you invested. Thank you and the other judges for critiquing it.