[Summer Contest Entry 2015] Jenga
1
I want it to be my fault.
The alternative, the idea that there is no reason, it's too much.
Too scary.
I need something, anything, to keep me grounded, to keep my from the mental breakdown I know is coming.
"We have to talk, call me you can. I'd rather do this over the phone than through broken messages, I owe you that much"
We need to talk.
When has good news ever started that way?
Thoughtlessly, I click "accept" as a notification pops up on my screen. He probably wouldn't appreciate me doing this, but I need it. With a deep breath, I open up Skype's window on my computer. Prolonging the agony won't change the results.I pop back into the other screen as the ringing starts. Absentmindedly, I go through the same motions as yesterday, as last week, as last year.
"Hello?"
Flat. Dead. Monotonous.
Those are the words that would describe his tone. It sounded like this was something as mundane a ordering a pizza, instead of, oh, I dunno, having a life-altering conversation.
Well, it probably is to him.
"Hi, it's me. Well, duh you probably know that already but… so yeah anyways, you wanted to talk?"
Smooth, Soph. Smooth.
Well, here goes nothing.
I hear her words, but they don't really register.
Click. Click-click-tap. ClikClikClick-Shit-Click.
That’s what registers.
Was she...was she playing? No.
No way.
Seriously? Here we are, about to have an important and deeply personal talk, the only time I’m going to consider talking to her seriously, and she's playing?
I barely suppress an indignant groan.
Why am I even doing this?
You owe her this much.
Thanks conscience, you're a real treasure.
~
"Are you seriously playing League of Legends now? Now?! Are you even listening to me Sophie?"
Those words feel more like a slap to the face than an actual question, and so is his use of my name.
He never uses my name.
I want to tell him that I am, I am listening to him. In fact were it not for this game, for this mild distraction, I'd be listening to him too intently, dissecting and over-thinking. If it weren’t for this game, every little prick and jab against me would surely feel like a stab.
"Yeah. Well, I mean the start is pretty slow, so it's no biggie, I can listen."
I want to sound flippant and nonchalant, I want to sound like I don't care, but I regret those words as soon as they come out.
"I feel like I'm losing you to that game."
He said that once, two years ago, before our first (and somewhat temporary) break-up.
But it's too late to take them back.
"I mean, it helps keep my grounded, you know? To be honest I'm really nervous right now and this is keeping me from freaking out."
Well, there goes my 'nonchalant' attitude.
I think I can see my dignity flying away with it.
"Fine. As long as you're listening, I guess that's good enough."
I wanted to apologize, stop the game, then all these bitter thoughts creep into my mind. What has he ever sacrificed for me? When (in recent memory) has he ever put even a little effort into this crumbling relationship?
"I don't love you anymore."
Here it is, the point where I break. Here is where I fall into a hole that I have to slowly, painfully, drag myself out of. Here is where I get drunk on ice cream and broken dreams, on memories and a future that will never be, here is where I feel...
...nothing?
Huh.
Is this what heartbreak feels like? An emptiness, an all-encompassing void...
Huh.
Nope, not like that either. Just nothing.
A small tug at best. The grin on my face is a strange cross between confused and triumphant.
"And we shouldn’t speak to each other anymore.”
The breath is knocked out of my lungs. I let out this strangled gasp, and say that it was because I died in game.
It was like I was in a horror movie, the part when I’m hiding in the corner and the killer walks by, that part where I release the breath I’ve been holding, then I’m suddenly aware of the presence behind me, the knife in my gut, and that startled disbelief that comes before the agony.
“What?”
Is that all she can say? Did she even hear what I was saying? Does she know how hard I thought about this? How hard it was to come to this decision? How wrong I’ve been feeling these past four months since she came to visit?
That meeting, it was a reminder of everything we lost, of how hollow and meaningless our current conversations are. That meeting, it was like nothing between us changed, but that’s not true.
Three thousand miles, that’s the distance between us. That moment, that was something we had in another life. It’s not the everyday reality it used it be.
You can’t go from watching anime in 1080p to 360p, with the occasional 1080 once a year.
That’s just not how it works.
“We never really had an ending. We jumped the gun, Soph. We went from “back together again” to “just friends” in a flash. You can’t just do that. Maybe someday I’ll regret it, but now we need a break, and that break could result in me telling you to never speak to me again. Things don’t always go the way you want them to.”
Why?
We parted amicably, it was a mutual decision.
Right?
We had just gotten over a 6-month period of silence, we realized that these feelings we had never really went away, we wanted to try again, only to get the news that he was moving away. I didn’t want any commitment to a long distance relationship, so I asked to remain friends.
Is that were the problem was? An err in communication a year ago?
I didn’t want to commit but…I guess I had always assumed that we’d find each other along the path someday.
Maybe we’re not going to the same place anymore.
Maybe we never were.
That month my family took a trip to where he was, that day where we hung out again, just like we used to, I thought that meant good things. I thought that it meant nothing had changed, that if I couldn’t have my boyfriend, surely I could have my best friend.
“Trust me to still love you, even when I’m far. But if you can’t, then believe in this. I promise, even when I’m far away, we’ll still be close, we’ll still be friends. Nothing is going to change.”
He said that the day he left.
“I’m sorry for the things I said, I shouldn’t have.”
He took back his promise, rendered it null and void, did he think a simple sorry could fix things? Maybe if he cared a bit more, put actual effort…
Or maybe I was wrong?
Maybe as I tried to push us forward, we created a progressively taller, but shakier structure.
Maybe all those time he didn’t reply because he was “tired from work” he just didn’t want to talk to me.
Maybe I refused to listen.
“Fine.”
It took her long enough to say something.
Did her voice just crack?
“You’re right. Why should a friendship last forever? It’s not like it was anything special, right? If a break is what you want, then by all means have it.” I’m sorry too, that I’m not someone worth keeping.”
She was always good at that.
She had this talent for making you feel like a complete asshole. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she meant it. I could hear faint sobbing, a few sniffles, along with “ugh stupid cold.”
She was never good at lying when it counted. I wanted to say something, anything remotely kind, but at this point she’d probably take it as an insult.
I pretend not to hear the sounds of her heart breaking.
“Goodbye. I look forward to your reply.”
The next statement is cold, business-like. The ice in her voice stings, as does the feigned acceptance.
If she can pretend to be okay, then so can I.
Onto the next order of business then.
A message from my parents.
Well, anything they had to say couldn’t be worse than what just happened.
I feel a bitter smile cross my lips as I read their words. Life sure does have a sick sense of humor, huh?
“Hi sweetie! How are you over there? Your father and I had a long talk about this, and I’m sorry to say that after your first year there is up, we want you to come home. For good. I realize this may not be what had in mind, but spend a day back home and you’ll remember how much you miss it.”
The alternative, the idea that there is no reason, it's too much.
Too scary.
I need something, anything, to keep me grounded, to keep my from the mental breakdown I know is coming.
"We have to talk, call me you can. I'd rather do this over the phone than through broken messages, I owe you that much"
We need to talk.
When has good news ever started that way?
Thoughtlessly, I click "accept" as a notification pops up on my screen. He probably wouldn't appreciate me doing this, but I need it. With a deep breath, I open up Skype's window on my computer. Prolonging the agony won't change the results.I pop back into the other screen as the ringing starts. Absentmindedly, I go through the same motions as yesterday, as last week, as last year.
"Hello?"
Flat. Dead. Monotonous.
Those are the words that would describe his tone. It sounded like this was something as mundane a ordering a pizza, instead of, oh, I dunno, having a life-altering conversation.
Well, it probably is to him.
"Hi, it's me. Well, duh you probably know that already but… so yeah anyways, you wanted to talk?"
Smooth, Soph. Smooth.
Well, here goes nothing.
~
I hear her words, but they don't really register.
Click. Click-click-tap. ClikClikClick-Shit-Click.
That’s what registers.
Was she...was she playing? No.
No way.
Seriously? Here we are, about to have an important and deeply personal talk, the only time I’m going to consider talking to her seriously, and she's playing?
I barely suppress an indignant groan.
Why am I even doing this?
You owe her this much.
Thanks conscience, you're a real treasure.
~
"Are you seriously playing League of Legends now? Now?! Are you even listening to me Sophie?"
Those words feel more like a slap to the face than an actual question, and so is his use of my name.
He never uses my name.
I want to tell him that I am, I am listening to him. In fact were it not for this game, for this mild distraction, I'd be listening to him too intently, dissecting and over-thinking. If it weren’t for this game, every little prick and jab against me would surely feel like a stab.
"Yeah. Well, I mean the start is pretty slow, so it's no biggie, I can listen."
I want to sound flippant and nonchalant, I want to sound like I don't care, but I regret those words as soon as they come out.
"I feel like I'm losing you to that game."
He said that once, two years ago, before our first (and somewhat temporary) break-up.
But it's too late to take them back.
"I mean, it helps keep my grounded, you know? To be honest I'm really nervous right now and this is keeping me from freaking out."
Well, there goes my 'nonchalant' attitude.
I think I can see my dignity flying away with it.
"Fine. As long as you're listening, I guess that's good enough."
I wanted to apologize, stop the game, then all these bitter thoughts creep into my mind. What has he ever sacrificed for me? When (in recent memory) has he ever put even a little effort into this crumbling relationship?
~
"I don't love you anymore."
Here it is, the point where I break. Here is where I fall into a hole that I have to slowly, painfully, drag myself out of. Here is where I get drunk on ice cream and broken dreams, on memories and a future that will never be, here is where I feel...
...nothing?
Huh.
Is this what heartbreak feels like? An emptiness, an all-encompassing void...
Huh.
Nope, not like that either. Just nothing.
A small tug at best. The grin on my face is a strange cross between confused and triumphant.
"And we shouldn’t speak to each other anymore.”
The breath is knocked out of my lungs. I let out this strangled gasp, and say that it was because I died in game.
It was like I was in a horror movie, the part when I’m hiding in the corner and the killer walks by, that part where I release the breath I’ve been holding, then I’m suddenly aware of the presence behind me, the knife in my gut, and that startled disbelief that comes before the agony.
~
“What?”
Is that all she can say? Did she even hear what I was saying? Does she know how hard I thought about this? How hard it was to come to this decision? How wrong I’ve been feeling these past four months since she came to visit?
That meeting, it was a reminder of everything we lost, of how hollow and meaningless our current conversations are. That meeting, it was like nothing between us changed, but that’s not true.
Three thousand miles, that’s the distance between us. That moment, that was something we had in another life. It’s not the everyday reality it used it be.
You can’t go from watching anime in 1080p to 360p, with the occasional 1080 once a year.
That’s just not how it works.
~
“We never really had an ending. We jumped the gun, Soph. We went from “back together again” to “just friends” in a flash. You can’t just do that. Maybe someday I’ll regret it, but now we need a break, and that break could result in me telling you to never speak to me again. Things don’t always go the way you want them to.”
Why?
We parted amicably, it was a mutual decision.
Right?
We had just gotten over a 6-month period of silence, we realized that these feelings we had never really went away, we wanted to try again, only to get the news that he was moving away. I didn’t want any commitment to a long distance relationship, so I asked to remain friends.
Is that were the problem was? An err in communication a year ago?
I didn’t want to commit but…I guess I had always assumed that we’d find each other along the path someday.
Maybe we’re not going to the same place anymore.
Maybe we never were.
That month my family took a trip to where he was, that day where we hung out again, just like we used to, I thought that meant good things. I thought that it meant nothing had changed, that if I couldn’t have my boyfriend, surely I could have my best friend.
“Trust me to still love you, even when I’m far. But if you can’t, then believe in this. I promise, even when I’m far away, we’ll still be close, we’ll still be friends. Nothing is going to change.”
He said that the day he left.
“I’m sorry for the things I said, I shouldn’t have.”
He took back his promise, rendered it null and void, did he think a simple sorry could fix things? Maybe if he cared a bit more, put actual effort…
Or maybe I was wrong?
Maybe as I tried to push us forward, we created a progressively taller, but shakier structure.
Maybe all those time he didn’t reply because he was “tired from work” he just didn’t want to talk to me.
Maybe I refused to listen.
~
“Fine.”
It took her long enough to say something.
Did her voice just crack?
“You’re right. Why should a friendship last forever? It’s not like it was anything special, right? If a break is what you want, then by all means have it.” I’m sorry too, that I’m not someone worth keeping.”
She was always good at that.
She had this talent for making you feel like a complete asshole. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she meant it. I could hear faint sobbing, a few sniffles, along with “ugh stupid cold.”
She was never good at lying when it counted. I wanted to say something, anything remotely kind, but at this point she’d probably take it as an insult.
I pretend not to hear the sounds of her heart breaking.
“Goodbye. I look forward to your reply.”
The next statement is cold, business-like. The ice in her voice stings, as does the feigned acceptance.
If she can pretend to be okay, then so can I.
Onto the next order of business then.
A message from my parents.
Well, anything they had to say couldn’t be worse than what just happened.
~
I feel a bitter smile cross my lips as I read their words. Life sure does have a sick sense of humor, huh?
~
“Hi sweetie! How are you over there? Your father and I had a long talk about this, and I’m sorry to say that after your first year there is up, we want you to come home. For good. I realize this may not be what had in mind, but spend a day back home and you’ll remember how much you miss it.”
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
Hm, a cold tale of a relationship that just isn't working out as they would have liked it to. It made me feel a bit melancholy and sad.
1
Q-Q
This made me feel quite somber throughout the entire read. It's a great portrayal of a shaky relationship. I just love the psychology that went into both characters. They were done realistically and believably. Though not quite the same, I have a gf that lives about an hour away, so I can say that some of the emotions are accurate. You feel a strange disconnect sometimes and wonder about the strength of your relationship. I could really sympathize. Nicely done.
This made me feel quite somber throughout the entire read. It's a great portrayal of a shaky relationship. I just love the psychology that went into both characters. They were done realistically and believably. Though not quite the same, I have a gf that lives about an hour away, so I can say that some of the emotions are accurate. You feel a strange disconnect sometimes and wonder about the strength of your relationship. I could really sympathize. Nicely done.
1
Your introduction really grabbed my attention. Opening with modern call and text was something you don't see much. Throughout the read I did feel a bit sad, but I understand through the emotions with the characters you may have intended it that way. Great job. All around enjoyable.
1
Thanks for the feedback!
Romance has always been something I've been afraid to try my hand at writing, so it was nice to finally give it a shot.
It's based off of a similar situation I had to deal with roughly a month ago.
Romance has always been something I've been afraid to try my hand at writing, so it was nice to finally give it a shot.
It's based off of a similar situation I had to deal with roughly a month ago.
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
TriggerWarning wrote...
Thanks for the feedback!Romance has always been something I've been afraid to try my hand at writing, so it was nice to finally give it a shot.
It's based off of a similar situation I had to deal with roughly a month ago.
It certainly came off as very realistic. Hopefully what you had to deal with wasn't quite so hopeless.
